February 5, 2009
“As much as I struggled not to think of him, I did not struggle to forget. I worried—late in the night, when the exhaustion of sleep deprivation broke down my defenses—that it was all slipping away. That my mind was a sieve, and I would someday not be able to remember the precise color of his eyes, the feel of his cool skin, or the texture of his voice. I could not think of them, but I must remember them. Because there was just one thing that I had to believe to be able to live—I had to know that he existed. That was all. Everything else I could endure. So long as he existed.”
-Bella Swan: Chapter 4, Page 116 (New Moon)
There was a point in time when I thought I had lost Edward forever. Though my heart no longer beats, I somehow still feel it tighten and almost shatter every time I think of a life without him.
Jacob ended up coming along on our hunting trip, and while Edward, Emmett and Rosalie were hunting, he asked me a question that caught me off guard. His question? “Bella, how would you deal with it if Edward were ever. . . destroyed?”
Jacob has a way with asking questions to things that I could never think of on my own. He makes me think of everything as a possibility. But this question was like no other.
When Edward had left me in the forest – because he felt he and his family were a danger to me – he took my life with him. He took my heart, he took everything except my body. That’s all he left, actually. A lifeless body. That’s all I became without him.
If Edward were destroyed, that would mean I would have to go on forever without him. It’s not the same as before. I am an immortal now. Unless I were also destroyed, I would have to face the world for eternity without my life, my world, my love.
Suddenly Victoria’s face clouded my mind. She lost her love, James, and had to exist thinking she would have to go on for eternity without him. I don’t pity Victoria, or James. I do, however, understand the excruciating pain that she would have had to endure forever if she hadn’t been destroyed. I think Edward did Victoria a favor when he destroyed her. He took away her eternal pain, emptiness.
I would have to be destroyed. I know I could not go on without Edward, especially now that I am an immortal. In fact, I might have second guessed my decision to be turned if I had thought about that when I was still a human. If I had thought of the fact that there is a possibility my love could be destroyed one day, and I would have to carry on without him. Losing Edward when I was human was more bearable than this thought. If I were human and he was destroyed, at least I wouldn’t have to exist forever without him.
Jacob wasn’t overly shocked when I told him I would be destroyed. A little upset, I could tell, but not shocked. Then, he asked an even tougher question. Again, reminding me of possibilities that had not even occurred to me. “What about Nessie?”
That’s right. My little Nudger. If I were destroyed, she wouldn’t have a mother, and I would never get to see her again. I love her. I love her just as much as I love Edward, just differently. It would be too selfish of me, to have myself destroyed and leave her for eternity with no father or mother.
That, I wasn’t. Suddenly, although already strong, I felt stronger. I felt protective. It occurred to me that I would find a way. Edward would want me to be with Nessie. Edward would want me to be happy. That’s all he has ever wanted for me. Suddenly my thoughts felt like they were in the spin cycle.
Jacob was patiently waiting for my answer, and all I could mutter was, “No one will ever be destroyed. Ever.” And, I believed it.
I feel relieved when I think of how strong of a family we are. I know that as Cullens, we would never give anyone a reason to want to destroy us. Jacob liked how confident I was. It seemed to put him at ease, knowing I was so sure that no one was going anywhere. I felt happy, too. Also, I was surprisingly glad that Jacob asked me. Although it’s hard to think about, I need to be prepared for anything now. I have a family. A love, and a child.
They are my life.
I could never let anything happen to any of my family. Jacob included. He is technically family now. Mortal enemy turned family. I like that.
When our hunting trip came to an end, I grabbed Edward and held onto him tighter than ever before. I needed to feel him close to me, especially after such heart–shattering thoughts had been washing through my head.
Edward kissed me softly on the top of my head and frowned a little. I showed him my thoughts. I wanted him to know about the questions Jacob asked. I wanted him to see how much it perturbed me to think such thoughts. Edward has had a longer time to think of these things. The thought had already occurred to him; I could tell by his knowing–expression. I plan to ask him later on, after Nessie goes to sleep, what his reaction would be if I were destroyed. I will let you know what he tells me.
For now, though, I am going to go watch Edward sing to Nessie again. He’s writing her a lullaby. It’s a surprise for her.
Thank you for reading.
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