Dear Diary (Answers)

February 6, 2009

“Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars—points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.”
-Edward Cullen
New Moon Chapter 23, Page 514

Edward and I had a long talk last night. We do that a lot now. As I told you yesterday, Jacob had asked me some scary questions that made me think of things that I wasn’t quite ready to think about.

Last night after Nessie was asleep, I had asked Edward those same questions. “What would you do if I was ever destroyed?” and “What about Nessie?”

Edward has had to endure watching those he cared about destroyed in the past, but this is far more different.

As much as he also didn’t like the questions, he gave me my answers. Edward told me he loves Nessie and me more than anything he has ever loved, or will ever love. He also explained that he feels extremely grateful for Jacob. Jacob is always around, helping out with Nessie, spending time with her, watching her grow. Because Jacob has imprinted on Renesmee, he will protect her with everything he has in him, forever.

Edward summed up his response quite thoughtfully with a few sentences.
“Bella, I wouldn’t be alive if you were no longer with me. My pain would be unbearable. Renesmee would see that and it would cause her a great deal of pain as well. I never want to have to choose between my love and my child, and I am going to do everything in my power to make sure I never have to. Everything. I would, however, have to leave with you and trust that Nessie is in good hands with Jacob. I couldn’t be without you. I can’t exist without my Bella.”

Edward kissed me after, and I could feel how powerful each and every one of his words were. I understood, too. We sat in silence for a few moments thinking. Though this was a hard topic to speak of, it was pretty much the human–version of preparing a will. Not pleasant, but it has to be done.

I will never cause Edward’s life to become a moonless night. I will never lead my family in the path of destruction. I love them too much. At times, being a newborn vampire can be difficult. I’m so incredibly thankful that I have a gift with controlling my thirst. It still scares me though, to not know what I am fully capable of. I do believe, however, that as long as I keep my family in mind that it’s all I’ll ever need to fully control my thirst.

Love is the most powerful drug. As long as I have my shield, I will stretch it over my family, and keep them out of harms way. I’m no longer the klutzy, weak human I once complained of being. And, I’m no longer the weak human that had caused the Cullens to have to fight. First with James, then Victoria and her newborns, and lastly, the Volturi.

I still worry about our life in Forks. I am perpetually afraid of people becoming suspicious of my new appearance, or discovering Nessie. Until Nessie reaches full growth, we can’t let her be seen around much. She grows too fast. People would know that something was… different.

I’m happy though. Edward and I get to spend as much time together as we like. He doesn’t have to be gentle with me anymore, which is great for a lot of things. Lets just say, Nessie sleeps at Carlisle and Esme’s house some nights, so she doesn’t get woken up. She happens to be sleeping there now. She got sleepy tonight while we were visiting the family. She was watching the baseball game with Emmett, and fell asleep. I don’t blame her. Edward and I figured we could let her sleep there tonight and have our own “special” little night together.

Edward is waiting for me, and I’m craving that beautiful stare from his golden eyes, the taste of his smooth lips and the feel of my fingers through his bronze hair. So, until tomorrow… goodnight!

-Bella Cullen

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