Dear Diary (Guilt)

April 17, 2009

We were out on a hunting trip when we discovered Charlie’s gift. At first, Edward and I had no idea why we couldn’t bring ourselves to attack the deers that seemed to be almost crowding the forest that day. A sudden, inexplicable rush of sympathy coursed through my entire body. Edward, too, was unable to bring himself to harm the deer, which we normally refer to as “food.”

Edward and I were confused beyond explanation. Our throats were flaming, we hadn’t hunted in days, yet we couldn’t bring ourselves to harm a fly let alone a deer. I suddenly felt horrible for even considering it. Guilty.

Edward and I stood still in one spot, looking in each other’s direction, frozen. Charlie watched us, confused by the fact that we weren’t tackling ourselves some dinner. He was just as confused as Edward and I were. Edward, however, could read Charlies thoughts. Charlie was thinking that he didn’t want to see me hunt. He didn’t want to see his little girl pounce on a deer and drain its blood.


This would been the first time Charlie went hunting with anyone other than Carlisle, who insisted on teaching Charlie the proper and discreet way to hunt, and make sure he didn’t catch the scent of humans and turn into a masochist.

After a few minutes of standing still with an  inability to hunt, the feeling finally started to slowly fade. Edward and I were able to see the deer as food, like we are supposed to.

It finally clicked.

Edward heard in Charlie’s thoughts that Charlie didn’t want to see me hunt. He was afraid to see me, his daughter, who has always been so weak and gentle, kill a deer with my bare hands. When he was standing there, waiting for me to attack my prey, he was able to control my emotions, making me feel completely sympathetic and guilty. He also made it so Edward couldn’t bring himself to wrestle the food that stood within a few feet of him.

When Charlie feels anxious, or worried, he can cause those around him to feel sympathy and nearly unbearable guilt. For instance, if we were in the middle of a vicious battle, and a vampire was about to attack me, Charlie would feel anxious and cause my rival to feel too loving and guilt-stricken to want to attack me. His power is similar, somewhat, to Jasper’s ability to calm. The main difference is that Jasper calms you, taking away your anxiousness, while Charlie makes you feel like you love everything and everyone around you, and causes guilt to wash through you. Even if you wanted to, you couldn’t hurt a fly.

Charlie is learning to control his power now. He has already learned to turn it off when we’re hunting. It still comes on, from time to time. Mostly when Edward gets too close to me. It makes Charlie anxious to see Edward press his lips against mine. He loves Edward, but he still has that fatherly instinct to protect me. In the middle of a kiss Edward and I will both start to feel overwhelmingly guilty and full of compassion. Fantastic. Every father’s dream–to be able to make his daughter feel overwhelmed with guilt anytime he wants.

Rosalie seems to be getting over her hostility towards me, slightly. I overheard her talking to Emmett, telling him how completely blown away she is by Charlie’s choice to be turned, to save us. She doesn’t mind having Charlie around, either. They get along well, and she is in awe of the control Charlie possesses. But I think that Rosalie will forever be deeply confused by mine and Charlie’s decisions to become what we are. She will never understand why we would leave behind our human lives, to become immortal. Rosalie will never understand my absolute need to be with Edward, forever.

To me, Edward is worth any sacrifice. I gave up my life to be with him, and I don’t regret a thing. Rosalie and I have two completely different points of view, which to me is perfectly fine. I understand her point of view. I just hope that one day, she will learn to at least accept mine.

Right now Jacob and Charlie are visiting. Jacob is trying to explain imprinting to Charlie. Edward is reading Charlie’s thoughts, and they aren’t good. He can’t wrap his head around it. I think it’s something you need to witness before you can understand it.

At first, Edward and I had the same detestation over the fact that Jacob imprinted on Nessie. As Nessie has been growing, we see that Jacob is genuinely connected to her. He wants to protect her, make her happy, and always be there for her. As her parents, Edward and I couldn’t be more enthralled by everything between them. She really lights up when Jacob is near. Soon, Charlie will see what we see. I think.

I’m going to go now. I need to help Jacob try to explain this to Charlie. Edward just shot me my favorite crooked grin and I’m assuming it has something to do with the jargon that’s going on in Charlie’s confused mind.



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Hey there! My name is Autumn and I wrote Bella's Diary. I'm also the website's owner/creator.
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