Dear Diary (Beautiful Nightmare)

May 27, 2009

Hey everyone. As promised, I have typed out an older diary entry for you. The following entry is from before my life completely changed – before him.

Even on days when I’m feeling more down than usual, the smell of fresh cut grass and the hot pavement below my feet seems to brighten up my day, somehow. The rare breeze blowing from the leaves of the fully bloomed trees feels almost euphoric against the smoldering heat. The best thing about phoenix, though, is that it’s a vigorous, booming city – full of opportunity.

I’m going to miss it.

But I’ve made up my mind. After thinking it through–and changing my mind a few times–I’ve finally decided to move to. . . Forks. Even the name is boring. Plain. Simple. I know this is going to make my life miserable. I won’t have the blazing sun pouring over me anymore, or the smell and sight of fresh flowers in Renee’s garden to cheer me up. Instead, I’ll have overcast days filled with rain and snow. 


Last September my mother, Renee, got remarried. Her new husband’s name is Phil, and he’s slightly on the young side. . . but she’s happy. Phil travels a lot. He’s a baseball player – minor league. While I know Renee is trying to manage a balancing act between Phil and me, I can see that she’s not happy when she’s away from Phil – so I’m sending myself to live with Charlie, my father. I’m going to pretend to be happy about it, too.

Charlie has had an extremely hard time with his divorce from Renee. Though so many years have passed, he’s never moved on. Last time I visited Charlie in Forks, he still had their wedding photo up. I think he loses himself in his work, to try to keep his mind off the painful void. Charlie is the Chief of Police to the people of Forks. Chief Swan. I can already picture everyone referring to me as “The chief’s daughter” once I move to Forks.

I don’t move for another month. I’m giving myself enough time to say goodbye to my life here. I want to soak up every last ray of sunlight that I can. I want to lay on the grass in my backyard with a book, and look up to see the cloudless sky. I want to take in the city. The noise, the energy. I love it here – if I could bottle up a little piece of the city and bring it with me, I would.

Although I don’t have a lot of good friends, there are a couple of people I will miss. I’ll miss my lab partner, Alex. We’ve never hung out together after school or anything, but I would consider Alex one of my best in school buddies. He’s a great lab partner, too. Today we had to separate slides of Whitefish Blastula cells into the appropriate phases of mitosis they represented. Although this would have normally been an exceedingly boring task, Alex made it fun by making corny jokes about mitosis. I’ve never liked Alex ‘that way,’ though. He’s a little on the nerdy side for me. I’m not sure what my type is, actually, but I know he’s not it.

The hardest goodbye I’ll have to prepare for, of course, is Renee. She’s pretty much more of a friend to me than a mother. . . and I’m going to miss her. I want to spend some time with her before I move. I want to make sure she’ll be okay without me, too. I know she has Phil now, but he’ll be busy. I just want to make sure her erratic, sometimes anomalous, nature doesn’t get her in trouble. I promised her I would keep in touch as much as I can. And I plan to.

This is going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Starting a semester half way through isn’t exactly ideal. Becoming the 358th student at Forks High doesn’t excite me, at all. Leaving my favorite summer clothing behind and replacing it with thick coats, boots, and sweaters isn’t exactly ideal, either.

Right now, I have a lot of questions. I wonder if I’ll make friends in Forks. How welcoming everyone will — or won’t — be. I wonder if everyone is going to look at me as the big city girl trying to adjust to the small town lifestyle. I wonder about boys, too . . . although I highly doubt I would ever fall for someone from Forks. While visiting Charlie during the summers, I definitely noticed that the boys in Forks were not the same as the boys from Phoenix. The way they dress, the cars they drive, their lifestyles . . . almost nothing is the same.

I already had a nightmare about moving. The dream itself is somewhat vague, but I’ve been getting flashes of it all day, reminders. In the dream I was in Charlie’s backyard in Forks, reading a book on the picnic table. Out of my peripheral vision I saw a tiny black-haired girl run past me, so gracefully. I jolted and sat up, looking for traces of the tiny, perfect girl. The dream gets more and more vague at this point, but while scanning my backyard for the tiny, almost oddly pale-skinned girl, instead of finding her, I saw an equally pale boy standing directly in front of me, maybe ten feet away.

He was beautiful.

Pale, but somehow it made him even more perfect. Though the dream was vague and he was almost a fog-like image to me, I could see that his eyes were a burning crimson. I didn’t move, blink – didn’t even breathe. I just sat there, still, watching his beautiful face. Even though his eyes were eerie, his face was angelic. Right before my dream ended, the distinctively beautiful boy spoke. He knew my name, too.

“Bella, stay in Phoenix. You’re safer there. Stay where you’re safe. Please.” The foggy vision of the beautiful boy vanished with each word.

When I woke up this morning, I didn’t think much of it. But for some reason, as the day progressed, I found myself thinking about it more. Actually, I’ve thoroughly analyzed every aspect of the dream, but still can’t make sense out of it. My dreams never make sense, though.

The funny thing is, Forks has a population of 3,120. I’m sure it’s much safer than Phoenix. What could happen in Forks? I could slip and fall in a puddle, maybe. Or perhaps get belted in the head with a chunk of hail. Honestly, though, Forks is a safe place to be. My safety in the tiny town of Forks, with my Father as the Chief of Police, is the least of my worries.

I’m off to sleep again now. It’s actually somewhat embarrassing, but I’m hoping to see the beautiful pale boy in my dreams again tonight.


-Bella Swan


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Hey there! My name is Autumn and I wrote Bella's Diary. I'm also the website's owner/creator.
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