Dear Diary (His Thoughts)

Edward wrapped the blood filled vial around his porcelain neck, and grinned, looking up at me with those beautiful golden eyes. Only he could make me feel this weak. It never fails – his breathtaking beauty always makes my stone cold, rock hard body feel like warm jello.

Before I was turned, I wanted to do something special. Something that would remind me of who I am, or was. Something for Edward. I also wanted to know exactly how I smelled as a human. I wanted to know what the big deal was. I nearly fainted when I poked myself. I began to shake as I let each drop of blood fill the tiny vial. I only managed to fill it half way, then I pressed the tiny cap on it to seal it tightly. My hands, warm and damp, threaded a thin piece of string through the small loop on top of the lid then placed the vial in a sock and shoved it to the very back of the drawer.

Though I know Edward’s memory is great, I was still worried he would forget the very scent that initially brought us together. The smell that almost drove Edward to destroy me… that eventually made him fall in love with me. After all, I was his own personal brand of heroin. My scent was like a drug to Edward, and I never wanted to take that away from him.

I gave Edward the vial of my blood in the meadow. It was my surprise to him. It wasn’t much of a surprise, though. He knew I had the blood on me the whole time. His throat was burning because of it. Before we went to the meadow, I drove to Charlie’s house, went into my old room and grabbed the vial from the sock. I kept it clenched in my fist, knowing he would be able to smell it – but hoping he wouldn’t know exactly what it was. It was the thought that counted, though. He didn’t know it was for him to wear on his neck, either – so it was still partially a surprise.

I think if vampires were able to produce tears, to cry, Edward would have been choking up, at least a little. He didn’t take his gaze away from me as he thanked me. “Bella, although I would have never forgotten your sweet, mouthwatering scent, for you to have done this, for me, means more than the world to me. I know how much you hated blood before your transformation. I can’t imagine how hard it was for you to prick yourself and not pass out in the process. Even though this is making my throat burn – it’s worth it, and I can get used to it. I love you Bella. Thank you.” He kissed the top of my head more softly than usual and let his lips linger a few seconds longer.

I knew he was eager to give me the surprise he had stuffed in the black backpack he had dangling from his perfectly pale fingers. I hate to admit it, but I was curious as to what Edward’s surprise was. Earlier on he promised it wasn’t anything extravagant. I’m not a fan of pricey, showy things. Edward knows that.

The grin on his face was larger than usual, meeting his eyes. As he reached into his black bag, he paused for half a second to look up at me, then continued to carefully pull two black square things through the opening of the bag. They looked like notebooks with ribbon tied around them. One had a thin piece of red ribbon wrapped around it and tied into a bow on the top, while the other had a deep blue ribbon wrapped around it with the same bow on top.

Edward stood perfectly still for a moment, gazing down at the black notebooks, almost as though he was reconsidering giving them to me. I took one step closer, hoping he would say something. The look of contemplation was washed off his face by that perfect, God-like smile of his, and he reached his hands out to give me the books. I hesitantly grabbed them from his hands, realizing what they were as soon as I saw the cover of the one on top.

His diaries. I think my shocked expression worried him at first. He was quick to explain. “I don’t think you could ever fully understand how much I really love you, Bella, unless you were to read my exact thoughts. The diary with the red ribbon is a diary from before I met you. When I was depressed… lonely. The diary with the blue ribbon is full of my writings from after I met you. I know you can’t read my thoughts, but this is my way of letting you in to my head, Bella. Please, read them so you can see how much you mean to me. How you saved me…” He stopped, analyzing my expression.

I didn’t know what to say. Edward wanted me to read his deepest, darkest most personal writings. On one hand, I felt as though it would be violating his privacy. On the other hand, I wanted to know him better… to understand him as thoroughly as possible. I’ve never been able to read his mind, either, and that’s always frustrated me. This was my chance. I was finally going to see myself through Edward’s eyes.

“Wow, Edward. I… I don’t know what to say. You don’t have to do this. I know you love me, you know. I know you love me a lot. I feel…” He cut me off. “Bella, I know I don’t have to do this. I want to do this. You let me into your mind. That was one of the best gifts I have ever received. Now, I’m letting you into mine. Don’t be difficult, please.” He grinned as he saw me surrendering, then continued. “I think your favorite entry will be the one from after our first time in this meadow together.” His face was more captivating than ever.

I felt like a little girl who just picked up a copy of her favorite teen magazine and couldn’t wait to get home to read it. I felt a little insecure, too. So may questions flew in and out of my head. What if there was something in there I didn’t particularly want to read? Would it be hard to read about how he nearly killed me?

I pressed the black, leather diaries into my chest, and thanked him. He kissed my ear and whispered “I love you”… almost causing me to crumble. I told him I love him, too, and buried my face in his granite neck, keeping his diaries clenched in my arms.

I promised Edward I would read them alone, with no distractions. I also plan to possibly post a few of his entries in the near future for you all to read. I think it would be nice for everyone to see things from Edward’s perspective, too.

Our time in the meadow went by too fast. We kissed, and talked a lot about the first time we came to the meadow alone together. We looked back on how far we’ve come, and how our unconditional, irrevocable love has gotten us through some of the most dangerous, unforeseeable situations. We laughed, too. Mostly about Jacob. Nothing would have been the same without Jacob, and Edward will forever be grateful for the fact that he helped me live again, when Edward was gone.

It was getting late. We went back to our cabin to get Nessie ready for bed and send Jacob home. After Edward hummed her favorite lullaby and she dozed off, I retreated to our bedroom to begin reading what would soon become my favorite book, Edward’s Diary.

-Bella

Tags: Edward’s Diary, Bella Cullen, Renesmee Cullen, Jacob Black, Edward & Bella, Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, Stephenie Meyer, Bella Swan, Edward Cullen, Vampire, The Cullens

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Dear Diary ( Reminisce)

Edward and I have been spending more time alone lately. It was beginning to feel like we never spent time alone, just the two of us. I began to miss the nights Edward would come through my window and sit on my bed with me until I fell asleep. In the morning he’d do a good job of making me turn bright red when he would tell me what I was saying in my sleep, too. It was always his name I called, though, and I wasn’t ashamed.

The best thing about not having to sleep, is that there’s more time to be awake with Edward. I would feel like a weak, diminutive human when I would inevitably lose the battle and my lids would droop shut for eight hours, taking me away from the God-like beautiful statue sitting perfectly still on the bed next to me. I didn’t like being away from him, even to sleep.

Though I’m forever grateful for Edward turning me, making me immortal so we could be together indefinitely – I still do miss being delicate to him. Oddly enough, I miss watching Edward struggle to keep me alive. In an almost sick way, his struggle made me feel cherished. Everyday I watched him restrain himself from turning me into nothing but a drained, lifeless body. Everyday that Edward fought to control himself, made me feel closer to him.

The memories are vague, but the feelings seem vibrant. It seems like only yesterday when Edward first tried kissing me without mangling me and enjoying my blood as a late night snack. I don’t remember specific details, but I remember how I felt. The rush, the adrenaline… the intoxicating, overwhelming love that I felt. I still feel just as strongly, too.

Jacob has been growing even more attached to Nessie lately. I really didn’t think it was actually possible for him to become more devoted to our angel, but somehow he has. Sometimes, Edward and I have to almost pry her away from him. I worry that they will become so dependent on each other that they might miss out on other things in life. They are happiest when they’re together, though. Rosalie keeps insisting that it’s unhealthy. She thinks Jacob is making Nessie dependent on him. Nessie’s smart, though. She has not only grown extremely fast physically, but mentally, too. She’s smart. Almost shockingly smart, actually.

Before we leave Forks, Edward and I want to look back on everything that brought us to where we are now. Late at night, we’ve been going to Forks High, just to hang out. Usually, I drive us there in my now remodeled ’53 Chevrolet Pickup Truck. We sit in the truck and reminisce on times when things were different. Before I knew about Edward’s life… what he was. Before I was turned.

My favorite thing so far, though, was when Edward and I went back to my old room in Forks and he kissed me on my bed, slowly… cautiously. Though he didn’t need to be cautious, he wanted to be, to remind me of how it used to be. The memories of that night came rushing back, flooding my head, intoxicating me. Then, we laid down in my old bed, and I drowned myself in Edward’s arms. Of course this time I wasn’t able to actually fall asleep in Edward’s arms – because we don’t sleep, but just laying in my old bed, with him, felt amazing.

It’s going to be hard leaving this town behind. Moving to this town, to Forks, changed my life forever. If I hadn’t have moved here, I would have still been living my same, boring life. I would have never found him, my perfect, breathtaking husband.

Edward promised we would come back for visits, though. Probably late at night when everyone’s in bed sleeping – but it doesn’t matter. Just being back in Forks once in a while will be enough to make me happy.

It’s funny how life can change so fast. My first night living in Forks, I cried myself to sleep. I hated it here. After I met Edward, though, nothing could have taken me away from this small, gloomy town. Nothing. Not even a vicious blood-thirsty, red haired vampire who wanted to kill me after James was destroyed.

Edward and I are going back to the meadow tomorrow. He has another surprise for me. Great. I’m getting used to his surprises, though, to be honest. I still get a little bit bitter, initially, but I get over it. I have a surprise for Edward, too, actually. I want to give him something from before I was turned. Something special.

For now, though, I’m going to go get Nessie ready for bedtime. Jacob, Edward and I usually tuck her in together. Jacob lingers until she actually falls asleep, which is actually quite sweet. Even Edward agrees that Jacob has a good heart. His only concern seems to be Nessie’s happiness. He truly loves her more than life itself.

I will let you know what Edward’s surprise was when I write again next week. And, of course, I’ll tell you all what my surprise for Edward is, too.

-Bella

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Tags: Bella Swan, Edward and Bella, Jacob Black, Nessie Cullen, Bella Cullen, Stephenie Meyer, Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, The Cullen’s

Dear Diary (Leaving)

I knew the topic would come up at some point. Although I didn’t want to, we had to talk about leaving Forks. This town is becoming saturated with questions about us. About what we are. It is becoming almost painfully obvious that we are… different.

Carlisle was working an early morning shift at the hospital recently when an elderly lady, a Forks local, was rushed in. She was having a heart attack. However, Under Carlile’s care, she managed to survive, of course. When Carlisle returned to her room to check on her one last time before returning home, she said something that made his decision to move final. “Thank you, so much Dr. Cullen. You saved my life… you’re truly an amazing doctor. I don’t care what or who you are, either. The people of Forks can talk all they want. You’re truly a life saver.” She closed her eyes and fell asleep, leaving Carlisle mortally aware of how close we’ve become to being discovered.

Of course, we’re going to fabricate a story, something the Cullen’s are used to. This is all new to me, though. I hate lying, too. But I know this is all part of what I am now. It’s worth it, too. It’s a small price to pay to be with the one I love, Edward, forever. Once everyone we know has passed away, we can return to Forks. Where it all began. Where I was born, died, then re-born… kinda.

Our biggest concern initially was Jacob. He’s going to follow us, though, to be with Nessie. Once our family leaves Forks, there wont be any vampires left here, which means the werewolves will stop phasing, and start aging. Jacob refuses to age – he doesn’t want to eventually die, leaving Nessie behind. As long as he’s with us, the Cullen’s… vampires, he will continue to phase and wont age. Of course, he outright refuses to be away from Nessie, too.

Hanover, New Hampshire. It’s where we will soon call home. Edward and I are going to Dartmouth College, in the fall. Both of us will be enrolled in Medical Engineering. I’ve already been accepted, too, thanks to Edward. He had sent an application without my knowing, a while ago. Before I was turned. Of course, a few things got in the way of that. This time, I’m really going, though.

Alice and Jasper are going to be attending a near by high school, starting as juniors. Rosalie and Emmett are going to be seniors. Esme agreed to home school Jacob, so he can at least finish high school. As for Nessie… we’re going to tell everyone that she is Esme and Carlise’s newest adopted child. So, to the public, Renesmee will be my little sister. She’s ok with that, though. She understands it’s for our protection. She knows that when we’re home, I am her Mother, and Edward is her Father.

Esme and Carlisle have agreed to build Jacob a small house behind our own home, which Rosalie is already jokingly referring to as “the dog house.” She really has a way with words. Carlisle has already picked out and paid for the house in New Hampshire we will all refer to as our home. It’s even more commodious than the house in Forks. The best part, though, is that it comes with a second private small home in the basement. Carlisle and Esme insisted that Edward, Nessie and I occupy it. For privacy. Esme also feels guilty that we have to leave behind our amazing little cottage. I refuse to sell it, though, so it will technically always be mine and Edward’s.

Carlisle isn’t selling the big white house in Forks, either. One day, we plan to return to Forks. When we do, we want it to be the same. The Cullen house is perfect, and so is mine and Edward’s cottage. I want to return, and for it to feel as though we never left. To us, immortals, it wont seem like a long time at all before we can come back. That’s the best part of all of this.

As for Charlie, to the public he will be Carlisle’s brother who is staying with us because he recently got a divorce and lost possession of his house. I can hear the gossip now. Poor Charlie, his story is the most fallacious. At least I can get away with calling him Charlie to his face now. Uncle Charlie.

I’m grateful for the fact that we don’t spend much time in public. I don’t know how good I’ll actually be able to keep up with these new roles. It’s going to feel as though we’re in a play, each portraying a character so different from who we really are. I’ve never deviated from who I really am. It’s going to be a challenge for me, that’s for sure.

One thing that wont change, though, is Edward. He’ll always be my rock. The one thing that never changes. Of course, no one will know he is in fact my husband – and the father of my half vampire daughter. But he will be my boyfriend, and everyone will know that. I’ll still wear my wedding ring, too. Only now, I’ll wear it on my right hand. If people ask about it, I’ll tell them it’s a promise ring.

I’ll never forget the first time I saw the Cullen’s. I knew that somehow they were different. They were too beautiful, too perfect to be human. They kept to themselves, leaving me wanting to know more about them. Now, I’m going to be entering a new school, again, but this time – I’m going to be one of them. I’m vastly curious about how the students at Dartmouth will see me. I’m one of them now, after all.

We aren’t leaving for another month. There’s a lot to do before we go. It would also look too suspicious if we took off so hastily, as though we were rushing to get away from Forks. Every move we make must be calculated. Every story we tell must match up, perfectly.

I’ll keep everyone posted on our progress. For now, I want to enjoy my last moments here, in Forks. I want to take in everything from the smell of the wet grass to the beauty of the fogged, misty meadow. I’m going to miss living here…

-Bella

Tags: Edward and Bella, Bella Cullen, Edward Cullen, Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, Stephenie Meyer, Renesmee Cullen, Jacob Black, Rosalie Hale, Jasper Hale, Emmett Cullen, Alice Cullen, Carlisle Cullen, Esme Cullen

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Dear Diary ( Resist)

I’m completely astounded by Jasper’s control. For the longest time, he struggled to adjust to the ‘vegetarian’ diet. To be completely honest, I wasn’t sure if he would ever entirely gain full control over his thirst. In reality, none of us can guarantee that we’ll always be able to control the overwhelming, burning, blistering thirst – but Jasper definitely had the most difficult time… until now.

I went hunting with Jasper today, alone. Edward and Alice had gone together the day before. I wasn’t thirsty at the time, though, so I stayed back with Jacob and Nessie. Today was a different story. The torches in my throat wouldn’t burn out. As the day went by, they grew bigger – spreading like a forest fire. I know why, though. I took Nessie to the beach so she could play, skip rocks, do normal kid things. What I didn’t realize, though, was that there was a big charity event taking place down at the water. Despite the fact that it was overcast and drizzling rain – the event continued. I couldn’t turn around and take Nessie back home after getting her excited to go, so of course, I followed through with my promise to her.

There were people everywhere. The piercing, dry burn in my throat would get more intense every time someone would run past me, the wind carrying their almost sweet scent through my nose and into my throat. People stared a lot, too. I can’t decide if they’re staring because I’m pale and almost obviously inhuman, or because I look too young to have a daughter. Maybe both.

After Renesmee and I left the park, I knew I had to hunt. Jasper was thirsty, too, so we went together. While we were looking for our victims, the deer, we saw a small line of about seven to ten humans running though the forest. They all had those high tech runners on, and water bottles strapped to their fanny packs. At first, Jasper froze. He was extremely thirsty, his eyes looked like endless black holes.

The athletic – looking lady at the very back of the line of joggers fell. I could have saved her fall, but I didn’t. Any human in their right mind would wonder how I got over to her so fast. I didn’t know if I could trust myself to be that close to her, either.

I could tell Jasper was holding his breath. I wanted to tell him to run, to avoid what could have been a disaster in the blink of an eye. I didn’t say anything, though. I didn’t want to startle him. I didn’t want to make this any harder for him than it already was.

The jogger was alright, just bleeding badly. Her blood dripped expeditiously down her pale skin. The smell was dangerously fragrant. Even I didn’t know how I was controlling myself. I was more focused on Jasper, I guess. I kept my eyes on him, only glancing at the injured woman for about half a second at a time – not looking at the blood helped, a bit.

No one saw us. We were crouching under a tree that had a large tree stump bent over the front of it, a fallen tree. We were far enough away that they couldn’t hear Jasper’s growls, or my hisses. Of course, we could see them just as clearly as we could if they were standing a foot in front of us. When I allowed myself a peek, I could see each drop of blood squeezing out of the torn skin on her calf. I could see bark from the tree stump she fell on in her wound. Each and every single drop of blood that made it’s way out of her body was excruciatingly tempting.

Jasper turned in the opposite direction and began to run, fast. It took me a second to catch up because I stood there for a good ten seconds, shocked. He resisted. Even though he was painfully thirsty, even though he was standing that close to a bleeding human, her scent intoxicating him.

We were on top of a cliff by the time Jasper stopped running. Before I had a chance to even say anything, he’d grabbed, attacked and eaten a deer. No mess. Perfectly executed. Almost instantly after his meal, he calmed down. His jaw loosened up, his face no longer looked enraged.

I couldn’t think of what to say first. I didn’t want to tell him I was proud of him, that would be too Motherly. I didn’t want to seem too shocked, either – that would make it seem like I didn’t think he had any control at all. Luckily he said something first. “Before, when I almost killed you, I felt more ashamed than ever. If I would have attacked you, I would not have only killed you – but I would have taken Edward’s life, too. I was selfish, out of control. Every time I think about the fact that I almost took your life, and Edward’s life, I feel weak. Ashamed.” He paused for a moment and I suddenly felt calm. “You complete Edward the same way I complete Alice. If someone killed Alice, I wouldn’t even want to exist anymore. I couldn’t exist without her. I hope you know that since that night of your Birthday, I’ve been forcing myself to control my thirst. Forcing myself to be stronger.” He looked up at me, his expression flooded with sincerity.

It took me a minute to muster up a response to everything Jasper had just said. I couldn’t believe how much he was bothered by the almost accident, still. I reassured him that he was one hundred percent forgiven. “Jasper, I promise you that no one sees you as weak, or out of control. Any one of us could do the same thing. You’re clearly in control now. You could have had that woman, had her for dinner. You controlled your thirst, though. Jasper, when you ran… that was amazing.” I half smiled, hoping to shift the mood.

After I caught myself a deer, we headed back to the Cullen house where Edward was playing something on the piano that sounded like it was straight from heaven. He’s been working on Nessi’s lullaby. Jacob pretends not to like it – but he’s just envious of Edward’s talent. He sees how Renesmee’s eyes light up every time Edward sits down at the piano, and he wishes he was the one playing the songs that make her happy. Jacob does make her happy, though. Everyday. Actually, she’s happiest anytime he’s around. I wont tell him that though, it might get to his head.

Jasper reiterated his story to everyone, keeping his focus on Edward, almost like he was indirectly apologizing to him. This really was Jasper’s way of making up for my Birthday, when he almost had me for dinner. He can’t change what he did, so he’s trying to show everyone he’s learned from it. He feels stronger, more in control now.

We can never guarantee that we’ll always be able to resist, but we’ll suffer trying. I’m just happy we have Jasper on board now. Alice is, too. Lets just say she rewarded him.

-Bella

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Tags: Bella Swan, Edward and Bella, Jasper Hale, Renesmee Cullen, Nessie, The Cullens, Bella Cullen, Edward Cullen, Vampires, Twilight Fan Site, New Moon, Twilight, Werewolves, Jacob Black, Forks Washington