July 4, 2009
I couldn’t have prepared myself enough for how deeply consumed I would become with reading Edward’s Diary. It’s been absolutely heartbreaking reading the black book with the red ribbon wrapped around it. The one from before Edward met me.
I’m not ready to post one of his diary entries yet, but one quote from what I’ve read has stood out more so than anything I’ve read so far in his diary -more than anything Edward has ever said.
“The days flow numbly into the nights. There is no separation between the two. I have nothing to live for – yet here I am, a blood-thirsty immortal. A vampire. I wish Carlisle would have let me slip away, let me die. I was only a few breaths away from resting in peace, forever. Instead, I’m stuck here, trying to figure out what the point of my existence is, exactly. Trying to fight my urges – wanting nothing more, yet nothing less than to be a masochistic monster. Although I know Carlisle had good intentions, I also know for certain that I have no intentions of living forever. My destruction wont be easy, but in the end, I know I cannot live in this dark, lonely world forever. Nothing will stop me from eventually abandoning this perplexing, abstruse existence of mine. Nothing.”
When I think of a world without Edward, all I see is a dark, black hole. Nothingness. It’s hard to digest the fact that Edward could have had himself destroyed, and that what we have could have so easily never existed. Renesmee… immortality… eternal love…none of this would have happened. If I never would have met Edward, I wouldn’t have ever known what unconditional love was. I would have never known what it’s like to love someone so much, that you’d give your life for them. To be with them, always.
Reading Edward’s diary, so far, has made me appreciate him more than ever – if that’s even possible. My understanding of the things he has had to ensure is becoming more and more clear with each page I read. Edward’s writings are so powerful, so profound. It was all written a long time ago, too – and it can be hard to understand at times, but Edward helps me with the parts that aren’t clear to me.
Earlier today, Jacob was visiting – spending time with Renesmee, of course. Edward and Alice went to go look at this years Porsche Turbo’s together, which meant I had some time alone to kill. In that time, I managed to read a rather large chunk of the black book that had the red ribbon on it – that I now use as a bookmark. I stumbled across one entry of his that I would like to share with you next time I write.
For now, I’m going to see what Charlie is up to. I think he was mentioning something about him and I hunting together. I have to admit, it’s odd when bonding with your Dad goes from sharing a pizza and running through the days events at the dinner table, to tackling wild animals and drinking their blood together.
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