September 7, 2009
I made my way through both of Edward’s diaries. At times, it was hard to keep reading, while other times I wanted to literally devour every letter of every word on each page. I was more afraid than anything. Afraid to read Edward’s thoughts on me. Afraid to discover he didn’t love me as much as I love him.
I felt like I was being invasive.
Reading Edward’s diary has undoubtedly brought us closer together than ever. I love Edward, and although I’ve always known he loves me too, I’ve never been more certain that his love for me is just as strong as mine for him.
Below is Edward’s diary entry, one from after we met, from the diary with the blue ribbon on it. Enjoy.
I don’t like being apart from her, not even for a minute. Of course, I would probably frighten her if I told her that. At the same time, I do question that . . . because she knows I’m a vampire, and if that doesn’t frighten her, I don’t know what will. It’s frustrating, not being able to read her mind – yet oddly intriguing. I have to assume she’s telling the truth every time I ask her a question, to give credence to everything she tells me.
My family, for the most part, don’t understand why I can’t leave Bella alone. I don’t think even Bella understands, actually. I don’t know why she doesn’t see herself clearly. Why she can’t see what I see. Bella fascinates me on every level. I have a better than average grasp on human nature; people are painfully predictable, but she isn’t. She is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me, and I’ve been here a while, alive, if that’s what I am.
I regret putting my family in danger – being with Bella, publicly. I don’t regret Bella, though. In the end, all the risk, the potential danger to my family, it’s all worth it to be with her – as sinister as that sounds. My life has always been burdened with the risk of being found out anyway. Everyday. What isn’t worth it, is the danger I put Bella in. I can’t read her mind, and I don’t know if she realizes how easily I could hurt her – or something even worse. How every single time I am around her is one big struggle. Her scent is simply intoxicating, but I love her. I love her more than her scent. That, I know.
I had asked Bella to tell her father, Charlie, where she would be before I brought her to the meadow. She didn’t. One thing I am certain about, is that when Bella has made up her mind, she rarely ever goes back on her decisions. Frustrating, yet admirable it is.
I couldn’t help but laugh when Bella opened the door, after a tiny struggle with the dead bolt, and was wearing a long, light tan sweater with a white collar showing underneath, and blue jeans. “We match,” I pointed out and noticed her face turn a healthy shade of pink. The flames in my throat were ever present, burning more robustly as the pink made its way into her beautiful, soft cheeks. I walked over to her truck to distance myself from her, momentarily, to get my control back.
I wasn’t overly excited about crawling out of Forks in Bella’s truck. We could have gotten there faster with a wheelbarrow. We made a deal, though, and Bella was quick to remind me. I soon forgot about how slow we were going and my thoughts began to wander as I pictured Bella hiking. I wondered how I would break the news that, not only was she going to a secluded spot with a vampire who was thirsty for her blood, but we were also doing one of the most dreaded things a clumsy person like her could imagine – hiking. I was happy to see she wore tennis shoes, she would need the grip.
Once Bella turned right on the one-ten, I told her to drive until the pavement ended, which sparked her curiosity. “And what’s there, at the pavement’s end?” Her eyes didn’t leave the road. I knew she wasn’t going to be thrilled, but I told her we would be hiking, and I could tell she was pretending to be excited – her eyes shift more when she’s covering something up. Bella is a terrible liar. I am thankful for that, though.
After too many minutes of silence I had to know what she was thinking, so I asked. She insisted she was simply curious about where we were going, but I could tell she was more worried about the five mile hike ahead of us. I didn’t want to give it away, so I told her we were going to a place I like to visit when the weather is nice.
When I found out that Bella didn’t tell anyone where she would be, I snapped at her, more than I wanted to. It just upsets me, that she doesn’t understand how dangerous I am to her. How lethal. I fact, she worries about me more than herself. When I asked her if she’d become suicidal from moving to Forks, she explained that she did not want to cause trouble for me and my family by being together publicly and that’s why she neglected to tell anyone she would be with me. The things that make me love her the most, seem to be the same things that make me the most bitter towards her.
When we got to the forest, I could tell she started to rethink everything. Rethink her safety with me. Her bewildered expression couldn’t lie – even though she said it was because she was afraid of slowing me down while we were hiking. I told her I would bring her home, I wanted her to be safe . . . from myself. I grew more confused when she demanded we start hiking. “If you want me to hack five miles through the jungle before sundown, you’d better start leading the way.” Her tone threw me off, her expression discombobulated me.
I needed to know everything about this girl. There were so many questions floating through my head. Questions that would normally be answered so easily, simply by listening to someones thoughts. I asked her everything from what childhood pets she had to the names of her grade school teachers. She answered my questions for freely. I felt proud of the control I was able to have with her, alone . . . so far.
As we approached the meadow, I analyzed Bella’s expression. She seemed peaceful, her eyes flickering from all the different types of wildflowers, to the sunlight that was overhead – and eventually me. I had promised to show her what happens to me under the sunlight, only now, I had second thoughts. She looked so flawless before me, walking through the grass, taking in the beauty of the meadow. She didn’t realize how perfect she looked to me, in that moment, and always. So mouthwatering. I was afraid to be alone with her, in the meadow, where I could so easily put out the flame that was blazing in my throat. In just one quick second . . .
I promised her, though. My love for her took over my mind and I held my breath to tame the scorching then I stepped into the light.
To Be Continued . . .
EDIT: Looking for a new dark love story to read? I have written a novella called, ‘My Darrling.’ (This is not the Willow series I’ve been working on, rather it’s a small side project.). You can read a preview and purchase ‘My Darrling’ here!