Dear Diary (Trying To Adapt)

October 5, 2009

I quit. I can’t do this school thing over and over for my entire lifetime. What is the point of living forever if you are living the same life repeatedly, only in a different part of the world? I don’t know how they all do it. Rosalie and Emmett, Jasper and Alice… they go to school everyday, enduring all the strange looks, the whispers, and on top of it all they are constantly fighting the urge to attack and kill people to soothe the almost overwhelming burning sensation in their throats. And Edward, he literally has to listen to all the voices, their sometimes not so pleasant thoughts.

It isn’t the burning, scorching pain in my throat that I can’t handle. That, is the least of my worries. What is hard, though, is lying. Every morsel of my existence is a lie. I’m not really in school to learn. I have a lifetime to do that. I’m not just ‘dating’ Edward, he is my husband. I am not really eating the slimy slice of pizza on my plate at lunch time. And, I’m not avoiding people because I’m shy, that is just what I want people to think. I’m avoiding them so that I don’t risk exposure. My biggest fear is that I will somehow cause our kind to be exposed. Last time I risked it my Father had to become a vampire to save me, and himself.

When Edward and I walked into our first class I noticed Edward’s eyes squint and he let out a low hiss, too low for human ears to catch, but it sent my mind into overdrive. What did he hear? I was curious about what everyone was thinking, but terrified to know at the same time. I didn’t ask.

Although I’ve become moderately used to the staring, I could never get used to walking into a classroom and having every head in the room turn to look at Edward and I. I could never get used to people whispering, nonstop, about how Edward and I seem ‘different.’ Edward has had to endure this for so long that he is desensitized to it all. He does get mad when he hears anything about me in people’s thoughts, though. Particularly boys thoughts. He refuses to tell me exactly what they’re thinking, and I don’t ask. I don’t really care to know.

I was pleasantly surprised to see that Edward, and the rest of the Cullens, were not mad at me for my decision to no longer attend school here. They understood. Rosalie, surprisingly, was the most understanding and she made a few good points that helped melt my guilt away. “We lie about everything else as it is, Bella, it’s not like another lie about you choosing to be home schooled is going to make any difference. I think it’s safer this way. If you are not comfortable with this new life yet, it will show. No one is rushing you. Take your time and maybe you will be ready to go back to school the next time we relocate.” Her lips were stiff, her face expressionless, almost as though she was struggling to be nice. She had some good points, though.

I’m not ready. Time goes by so fast for me now that it seems like I was just turned. There is so much to adapt to still. Just because I am doing well with controlling my thirst doesn’t mean I will be good at fabricating stories about our lives and actually passing them off as real. I have never been a good liar.

Alice, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett are still attending school. They have fun with it. Alice and Jasper are juniors, while Rosalie and Emmett are seniors. Edward  has decided to stay back and pretend to be home schooled with me. Carlisle thinks it’s for the best, too. Edward would become miserable attending school, alone, without even one member of his family there. Understandable.

I’m still getting used to the new house. It’s so… ostentatious. I’m not complaining. We do need quite a lot of house to accommodate our large family – it’s just dissimilar. In an attempt to help me get used to New Hampshire, Edward took me on a scenic drive. We ended up in a town called Wolfeboro, ironically. What’s more ironic, though, is that afterwards Edward took me to Crescent Lake. The mere thought of that word, crescent, made me wrap my hand around my wrist and gave me vague flash backs of James. I will always have the memory of almost being taken away from Edward. It is now extremely vague, but it’s there.

Regardless of the memories, I had fun with Edward. We walked along the lake, watched the sunset and talked a lot. Edward is excited to start our new life and make new memories here, in New Hampshire. I know that no matter where I am in this world, as long as I’m with Edward, I’ll be fine. It doesn’t mean I will ever fully adapt to  continuously moving and living ceaselessly while every human around me passes away, but I’ll be fine. Edward is worth everything. I would, and did, give my life for him.

Once the sun set, we hunted in the forest nearby. The deer taste slightly different here. They aren’t quite as sweet as they are in Forks. Still good though. I started to miss Renesmee, and Edward could tell by the wandering expression on my face. He took my hand in his, and we ran back to my truck together, slowing to a walk as we got closer to the road we were parked on. Edward doesn’t mind driving my truck now. Since it has been redone, I noticed he actually wants to drive it… sometimes.

When we got back to the house, Jacob and Rosalie were arguing about something to do with Renesmee. Edward heard the argument in their heads and snorted at Rosalie, his lips curled down in disgust. “You do not have permission to take Renesmee anywhere, Rosalie. Argument over.” Edward glanced at Jacob, then back at Rosalie. “Jake, perhaps you could take Nessie back to your house for a bit. Bella and I will come grab her when it’s her bedtime.” Edward’s face was expressionless, his eyes were locked on Rosalie’s face even though he was speaking to Jacob. I instinctively grabbed Renesmee and placed her in Jacob’s arms.

When we went downstairs to our own little house, Edward explained that Rosalie was arguing with Jacob because she wanted to take Nessie on a trip, but, of course, Jacob wouldn’t let Rosalie take Nessie anywhere. She wanted him to keep it from Edward and I, too. Her plan was to take Nessie to see Nahuel, the other half vampire, half human. She asked Jacob to tell Edward and I that they simply went on a little trip, but thankfully, Jacob refused to let Nessie go anywhere. I don’t think Rosalie understands the impact that imprinting has on the wolves. Jacob would never let Renesmee go, ever.

I am so thankful that Jacob was there when Rosalie decided to attempt to take Renesmee. Edward is going to have a talk with Carlisle about Renesmee’s safety around Rosalie. I’m having a hard time trusting her right now, for obvious reasons. I just hope this doesn’t cause a rift in the family. I feel guilty, always. I understand that I was just this fragile human who came into this family after they already knew each other for years and years. I’m not trying to come between anyone, but I have to protect my daughter. Bottom line.

I will keep you all updated on everything here, so keep checking back to snoop through my diary.


EDIT: Looking for a new dark love story to read? I have written a novella called, ‘My Darrling.’ (This is not the Willow series I’ve been working on, rather it’s a small side project.). You can read a preview and purchase ‘My Darrling’ HERE.



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Hey there! My name is Autumn and I wrote Bella's Diary. I'm also the website's owner/creator.
Some of you may know me as 'Krystal,' but I recently legally changed my name to Autumn, so I hope that clears up any confusion.
I like to do a lot of things, but I'm a writer first and foremost. It's my true passion. Feel free to check out my debut novella, 'My Darrling' on Goodreads here!
I'm also currently writing my own vampire/supernatural book series, and I'll keep you updated on that here once I know more.
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P.S. I'm team Edward. ;)
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