Dear Diary (I Understand)

October 19, 2009

Renesmee asked me, for the first time, if I have ever killed a human. She asked Edward, too. Her chocolate brown eyes were rich with curiosity, which caught me off guard. I wasn’t expecting this question so soon. I could tell by her casual tone of voice that she didn’t care either way, she wouldn’t think of us any differently, she just wanted to know. But how do I tell my perfect little angel, my Nudger, that I haven’t just killed one human, but I’ve killed two? How was Edward going to explain his past?

I remember being in Nessie’s situation. Curious. Thirsting for answers. I remember needing to know about the beautiful boy with the pale skin who took over my dreams at night. I also remember knowing that no matter what, I wouldn’t have judged Edward. When he told me he had killed humans, I loved him just as much. I was almost certain Renesmee wouldn’t look at us differently if she knew.

I let Edward into my head briefly to show him that I wanted to tell Renesmee the truth. His golden eyes pierced into mine, making me lose my train of thought for half a second, then he nodded in agreeance. I opened my mouth slightly, contemplating how to start, and before I got anything out, to my relief, Edward began speaking.”Renesmee, your Mother and I have had to face certain situations in life, because we are different. Things we can’t control. I can assure you, though, that we have never taken the life of anyone who was a good person.” He paused, looking down as if he wished he could take the words back, then continued, trying to justify what he just said. “I know it is not our role to play God, to decide if someone should live, or die. I will never claim that we did the right thing, but we are flawed. We have had to work hard to obtain the control we have now. Once you are a bit older, I plan on explaining my history to you. I want you to know everything about what we are, and understand everything that comes with being different.” Edward wrapped his hand around Nessie’s head and pulled her in close to him. I didn’t have anything left to say. Edward said everything perfectly.

Renesmee lightly pulled herself back from Edward so she could see his face and in her soft, innocent voice said “I Understand.” Her face was angelic and I could tell she was satisfied with Edward’s answer. When she looked over at me, I smiled and opened my arms for her to come give me a hug. Jacob knocked on the door just as Nessie gave me a small kiss on the cheek and I wondered how his timing was so perfect. I assumed he was listening outside of the door.

Jacob wanted to take Nessie on her first official tour of parts of New Hampshire. He also wanted to borrow Edward’s car. We know Renesmee will always be safe if she’s with Jacob, so it’s never an issue with us when he wants to take her somewhere. I know he would die before he let something happen to her. When Edward reads Jacob’s mind, he can hear how fiercely protective he is of Renesmee, and that, of course, puts Edward at ease.

Without even the slightest hesitation, Edward threw his car keys at Jacob and suggested some spots to take Nessie that he thought she would like. Edward’s face turned serious and his eyebrows knitted together for half a second as he reminded Jake to have Nessie back by her bedtime. Jake reassured us he would have her back more than early enough for bedtime, then grabbed her by her little, perfect hand and they left.

Edward talked to Carlisle about Rosalie and her attempts to take Nessie to visit Nahuel without mine or Edward’s consent. Edward simply explained that he doesn’t want to have to move away from the rest of the Cullen’s, but if this continues, Edward and I might have to move into our own house, away from Rosalie, in order to protect Nessie. It’s not that I don’t want Nessie to know Nahuel, because eventually I’m sure they will be friends. It’s just that I know Jacob loves Nessie with everything he has in him and I don’t want to cause any hostility between Nahuel and Jacob. I know that anyone who tries to take Nessie away from Jake could get hurt. He has imprinted on her and he will be there, always. Right now I just feel as though she is too young to have to worry about anything. She will be mature enough to make her own decisions soon – and that’s all I want, is for her to make her own choices based on what she feels in her heart. Not based on what Rosalie thinks would be better for her.

Carlisle is going to have a talk with Rosalie when the time is right, and let her know that Edward and I would rather leave than have to worry, constantly, about Nessie being forced into something. I decided on Edward based on nothing but my heart – and I want the same for Renesmee. I love Edward more than I could ever put into words and I hope that one day Nessie will get to feel the same way about someone.

I will write again soon, and let you all know what happened following Rosalie’s talk with Carlisle. Things definitely got… interesting.


EDIT: Looking for a new dark love story to read? I have written a novella called, ‘My Darrling.’ (This is not the Willow series I’ve been working on, rather it’s a small side project.). You can read a preview and purchase ‘My Darrling’ HERE.


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Hey there! My name is Autumn and I wrote Bella's Diary. I'm also the website's owner/creator.
Some of you may know me as 'Krystal,' but I recently legally changed my name to Autumn, so I hope that clears up any confusion.
I like to do a lot of things, but I'm a writer first and foremost. It's my true passion. Feel free to check out my debut novella, 'My Darrling' on Goodreads here!
I'm also currently writing my own vampire/supernatural book series, and I'll keep you updated on that here once I know more.
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P.S. I'm team Edward. ;)
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