mydarrling


Dear Diary (And Ice Would Suffice)

April 11, 2010


I promised to give you glimpses into the two diaries that Edward gave me as a way to see into his mind. The one with the red ribbon is a diary he wrote from before he knew me, from a darker time, when he didn’t really even know himself.

The one with the blue ribbon is full of entries that Edward wrote after we met. The contrast between the two diaries is distinct. There are, however, some entries in the book with the blue ribbon that carry more of a malicious tone. Particularly the ones about Jake, when Edward could hear his thoughts, and they were about me.

Enjoy,

Love, Bella.


Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Robert Frost’s Fire and Ice was published in 1920, just two years after I was turned by Carlisle. The poem likens the elemental force of fire with the emotion of desire, and ice with hate. Over my years of existence,  I have learned that humans are more prone to commit sins based on the emotion of desire, rather than hate. But vampires, we’re a different story. We don’t run based on emotion.

Jacob’s desire to be with Bella, to tear her away from me and exploit my one vulnerability—her safety—had me on the brink of sinning based on pure hate, ice. But he was keeping her warm. He was keeping her safe, and there was nothing more I could do, except keep my distance from her. I didn’t want to contribute to her discomfort from the cold in any way.

My body is like a brick of ice. Simply sitting too close to Bella caused her teeth to chatter more uncontrollably, louder. Jacob, on the other hand, has a body temperature of 108.9—enough to have Bella almost sweating on the oddly snowy June evening in the mountains.

Everything appeared almost in slow motion as the mongrel unzipped the sleeping bag, then slid in next to Bella, pressing his warm body to hers. It took everything I had to dampen the hate that surged through my body as he grinned, loving every minute of closeness he got with Bella, protecting her.

Then came his thoughts. The fantasies he began to have in his head while he was pressed against Bella; it sounded as though he were shouting them at me, as loud as he could. Jake knows I can hear his thoughts, after all. But I have years of practice when it comes to controlling my feelings, and so I did the best I could to keep my cool. No pun intended.

When Bella and Jake were both asleep, Bella began to whisper my name. She was dreaming of me, and I couldn’t help but smile. I started to feel incredibly humanized, with the ups and downs of each emotion. I went from wanting to strangle the dog—trying desperately to repress the urge to attack—to feeling elated by the sound of my name on her lips. The soft, gentle, whisper that proved she was dreaming of me.

Then, off those same soft, warm, lips came a displeasing, “Jacob, my Jacob.” There was pain in her voice now. Fear. She was worried about Jacob. She loved him. I had no right to try to change her feelings for him, either. He kept her safe while I was gone. When I stupidly left her, leaving her heart shattered, leaving her in a reckless state of mind that only Jake could pull her out of. He made her smile again. It was like I left her bleeding, and Jacob stitched her back up—and his stitches would leave their mark . . .  never dissolve, just like her feelings for him never will.

I had no other choice but to come to terms with the fact that she could be better with Jacob. But I would never leave, not until she asked me to. I don’t think of this as selfish, either. After realizing how much, how deeply, my absence had hurt her, I understand that she needs me as much as I need her. I won’t ever leave unless she asks.

Maybe, in theory, Jacob is better for her . . . but the only one who knows who is best for Bella, is Bella. Her happiness is truly all I care about. It is what I exist for. I felt a slight pang of guilt when I began to talk about mine and Bella’s future together, knowing Jacob was listening. Bella and I were discussing our favorite nights together, and she asked me what topped my list, what was my most favorite night ever. I was honest with her and told her it was the night she finally agreed to marry me. But I could have told her we would discuss it another time—when Jake wasn’t listening. I needed some kind of pay back, though, because Jacob spent the entire night pressed against her, dreaming up delusional fantasies that made me want to rip his—

She kissed Jacob, and as much as I detested the thought of him so close to her, his lips pressed to her lips where mine belong, I know she is only human. He tricked her, too. He sure knows how to fight dirty. But so do I. The difference is that I instantly regret hurting Jake, because I know I’m hurting Bella in the process.

For now, I will make nice with the pup. He was hurt by one of the newborns, trying to protect Leah. But the real reason he was there to begin with was to protect Bella, from Victoria and her army of newborns. And for that, I respect Jake.

“He’s like a drug for you, Bella. I see that you can’t live without him now. It’s too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun.” – Jacob Black

Bella and I cannot live without each other. The air and the sun do not matter when we are apart. Living doesn’t matter when we aren’t living together.

I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

-Edward

 

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Autumn

Hey there! My name is Autumn and I wrote Bella's Diary. I'm also the website's owner/creator.
Some of you may know me as 'Krystal,' but I recently legally changed my name to Autumn, so I hope that clears up any confusion.
I like to do a lot of things, but I'm a writer first and foremost. It's my true passion. Feel free to check out my debut novella, 'My Darrling' on Goodreads here!
I'm also currently writing my own vampire/supernatural book series, and I'll keep you updated on that here once I know more.
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