Jacob’s Diary: Frustration

July 27, 2010

Dear Diary,

Christmas is tomorrow, so Esme is blurring around the Cullens’ place like a mad woman. Just like any other holiday, the Cullen-s  well, Alice and Esme, freak out, and spend small fortunes to decorate and celebrate. I, on the other hand, might get a small tree, and a wreath to put on the door. But that’s because I’m too lazy to do anything else.

I’ve spent today patrolling so I can have tomorrow off, and finally got in from hours of trudging trough soggy snow. The snow is great, but my body heat melts it quickly, and makes it as though I’m constantly walking through a slushy snow cone.

When I got back home from patrols, it wasn’t late, so I took off my boots at the door, and walked to the bathroom, melted snow dripping from my hair and clothes. This snow is starting to get annoying. I hate doing laundry, and I constantly have to wash my clothes because the snow soaks them and makes them mildew. Of course, Emmett decided to give me advice, and told me to suck it up, be a man, because it’ll be snowing a lot here. But then again, Emmett doesn’t have to do his own laundry. If he actually wears something more than once, Esme washes them for him. What a momma’s boy.

I turned the water in the shower on, and peeled my wet clothes that were clinging to my body off. I threw them to the corner of the bathroom, and they landed against the tile with a smack. When the shower’s hot steam fogged up the mirror, and I climbed in the hot water. My body barely registered the heat, because though I can feel temperatures, they don’t really effect me.

My mind was elsewhere, at the time though, the nervousness of presents and whatnot nagging at me.

For Christmas, Ness and I would always give each other gifts that we made, not store bought things. I actually buy gifts for some, but most I make, because I’m a cheap guy. I don’t make Ness’s gifts because I’m cheap though, I make them because I want them to mean something. I can’t give her a pair of shoes, or a purse, to show her how much I love her. You can only do that with Alice.

So, this year I had made Ness a wooden sculpture. It’s a wolf, howling at the sun, not the moon. The wolf has a look of awe in it’s face, and the sun is done with intricate rays formed from the center. It wouldn’t be useful or anything, but I feel that it has a lot of meaning.

She’s my sun. She’s what I revolve around.

It was probably the best gift I’ve made her. Since my dad taught me how to shape wood with a knife, I can make her nice things that are special, and cool looking.

I’ve spent about three months on this one, and it’s taken a lot of patience, and concentration. I’m proud of myself though, because it’s more extravagant than other homemade gifts, like macaroni necklaces. She would probably sit it on her bedside table next to the framed picture of us, taken before the confrontation with the Volturi.

I know she’ll like it, but there’s always that gnawing feeling that there will be a reason for her not to like it. I let myself lean against the shower wall, letting the steam engulf me in a warm blanket.

When the hot water turned to warm, and I decided to get out before I fell asleep.

Stumbling out of the shower, I hurriedly dried off, and pulled on some thick jeans and a long sleeved thermal, ready to see my Nessie again.

Once I had pulled on my boots and a hat to keep my hair dry, I swung open the door of my house, and started walking briskly down the road to the Cullens’ place. Their house was covered in those sissy twinkling lights, and giant candy canes lined the sidewalk, while there was a Santa’s sleigh, and reindeer in their front yard. When I opened the front door, the smell of cinnamon and peppermint filled my nose. Yep, Esme’s cooking cookies and treats. Another reason I love the holidays.

The whole family was sitting in the living room, the fire crackling, and the huge television was playing the movie ‘Elf’ with Will Ferrell.

Once I put up my coat and shoes, I plopped down next to Ness.

She kissed my cheek causing Edward to roll his eyes. Ignoring him, I glanced around the warm, decorated room. The Cullens’ house had high ceilings, so of course they would get a ten foot tall Christmas tree. It was decorated with expensive looking ornaments, and it was topped with a huge crystal star. I scoffed at the tree, and how overly fancy it was. Nobody noticed, so I didn’t have to worry about it insulting Esme. That would risk her to stop baking cookies for me. I can’t live without her Christmas cookies. Edward put in another eye roll, and I once again, ignored him. This mortal enemy crap went down the drain after I imprinted on Ness, and though we still annoy each other to no end, he’s kinda like a brother. An annoying, know-it-all brother. At that thought, the corner of Edward’s mouth lifted, and he glanced at me. I shrugged at him, and that got Ness’s attention.

“What is it?” She asked, and I grinned, shaking my head.

“Nothing,” I told her, and she pursed her lips, but turned back to the screen after I kissed her forehead. I have to admit, the movie was pretty interesting, but I had to leave the room when Sam called me.

“I’m going to go tonight, and keep an eye on these nomads,” he told me through the phone. I furrowed my eyebrows.

“Why? They aren’t murdering the whole town are they?” I asked, and Sam sighed.

“Well, I’m not sure, but they seem suspicious,” he said, and I frowned.

“I still have tomorrow off right?” I asked, worried I wouldn’t be able to spend time with Ness.

“Yes, of course. Can you come in around ten, though?” Sam questioned, causing me to sigh.

“Sure, sure.” I said, and Sam laughed.

“Way to be a good sport,” he replied, his voice full of sarcasm. I chuckled, and said my goodbyes, eager to get back in Ness’s warm embrace. The movie credits were rolling when I came back, and everyone was scattering.

I saw that Nessie was still sitting on the couch, so I sat down next to her.

“Was that Sam?” She asked, and I nodded.

“Yeah, he was just discussing patrols,” I told her.

“You’re still off tomorrow, right?” She pried, a look of worry on her face. I nodded.

“Of course, but I’ll have to leave at about eight tomorrow night,” I said, and she smiled.

“Well, at least we have the day together,” She said, and I kissed her softly, now that we were away from Edward’s laser beam glare.

Her mouth tasted of her natural pomegranate taste, with a mixture of cinnamon. I pulled away, though my body screamed to keep going, I don’t want to get carried away with people so close around.

When our lips separated, her face pulled into an adorable pout, causing me to chuckle and envelope her in my arms, letting her lay down curled into my side.

“Jake?” She asked tentatively. I looked at her, letting her continue.

“I know you probably have a present for me already, but I want something, that I know you can give me,” She said, taking a deep breath. This woman confuses me.

I looked at her confused. She rolled her eyes, and pressed her hand firmly against my cheek, and images shot through my mind of me and Ness. We were kissing, and things started getting heated, and clothes were being taken off. I gasped.

“Ness, your dad is-” She cut me off.

“Relax, jeez!” She groaned, annoyed. “I asked my mom to shield my thoughts earlier,” She said, and I looked away.

“Ness, we can’t. We’re not ready, just wait. When we’re both ready, it’ll be perfect,” I rambled, avoiding her eyes, that were boring holes into my head.

“Jake, I’m tired of waiting! We are ready! It will be perfect!” She yelled, and I cringed, knowing that there were people in the house, all of which had superhuman hearing.

“Ness, you’re not ready. I’m not. It would be a messy, painful process, but if we wait, it will be perfect.” I said, staring into her eyes. I knew after Carlisle told me about her starting her period a year ago, her hormones would be raging, but I didn’t think it would be this bad.

“Whatever,” She said, and stomped upstairs. Groaning, I put my head in my hands. I had our whole life planned out, perfectly, but I don’t want one thing to get in the way. Trust me, I want it just as bad as she does, but I also want to get married, have half werewolf, a fourth human, and a fourth vampire babies. If that’s possible. Our first time shouldn’t be like this. It should be fun, and carefree. I will pull my hair out if she pressures me again.

“Jeez, mutt. You’re stressing me out. What has you all upset?” I heard, and I looked up to see Jasper, the dude that’s like a box of emotions on legs.

“You don’t want to know,” I said lowly, and Jasper laughed.

“Ah, you can go up there now. She’s calmed down a bit,” He said, gesturing upstairs, and I nodded thankfully to him, before climbing the winding staircase, and down the hall to Ness’s room. She opened the door right as I got there, and jumped in surprise.

“I was just coming to talk to you,” She said, discreetly wiping her nose. The rims of her eyes were red, and her face was flushed.

“Aw, Ness,” I said, pulling her into my arms.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to be all stupid and irritated. I know you’re right,” She said, muffled by my chest.

“It’s okay, we all can get angry at times,” I said, and she pulled away slightly to kiss my cheek.

“I love you, so much,” She said, and I grinned.

“I love you so much, too,” I told her, and she giggled.

The rest of the evening consisted of cookies, kisses, and Emmett yelling Christmas carols. I guess from the outside, we all look like a very big, weird, dysfunctional family.

I’m going to get some rest now, I have to get up bright and early for presents.

- Jacob

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