August 16, 2010
I have made my decision, and I will see it through. All these months, I had been convincing and denying myself of what I knew as the truth – I was far too dangerous for Bella. Never had I once thought that it would be easy to deny my scorching, irrefutable thirst, but somewhere in the process, I had been blinded by my own, selfish desires.
The selfishness ends tonight. I simply love Bella too much to let this dangerous love story continue; if I truly love her, leaving her is the only option left. As I sit in our meadow, relishing in the memories I have of the beautiful human that forever altered my world, I can see just how easy it would be to change my decision. Thinking of all the times Bella had expressed her love for me, her need for me, I had almost gone back on my decision. Almost. But how could I? How could I put her in danger again?
The pain I had injected into my life this past week far surpassed any pain I had known in my existence. Memories of Bella’s disastrous eighteenth birthday flashed before my eyes as I recalled just how close to death Bella had come. The evening had seemed blissful, almost perfect. Staring into Bella’s chocolate brown eyes, I had genuinely believed that this twisted romance could have succeeded, that she could remain as part of my family without losing her soul. Those previous thoughts all changed swiftly in the blink of an eye when my own brother nearly killed the only girl I have ever loved. Try as I may to blame the whole incident on Jasper, I knew it wasn’t his fault; it was the simple and plain fact that Jasper was, like myself, a vampire.
Bella had always been so comfortable with us, never accompanying the fear that often drove humans to stay away. She was special, and that’s why I did, and always will, love her more than my own life. She brought meaning and light to my dark existence; she made me feel alive again. My true love, my soul mate, my other half. Bella deserves much better than me, even if she herself doesn’t think so.
All these inner struggles have led me here, to this meadow. The sun set long ago, causing the stars to illuminate the clear sky. I laid my head down, not bothering to pay attention to the wind as it whistled around me. I know the pain of leaving her will never falter or decrease, but I know for a fact that Bella’s pain will…eventually. It kills me to cause her more pain, but that’s the beautiful thing about being human- they move on.
Sighing, I thought about how my choice was also affecting my family. Alice was losing her best friend, Emmett was losing a sister, and Carlisle and Esme were losing a daughter. Even Jasper and Rosalie would miss Bella in their own way. Today, their thoughts all revolved around Bella, and it broke my heart to see her beautiful face in their minds.
Of course, Alice had seen our futures shift as I struggled with my decision, and she has been fighting my choice for the past two days. Excluding myself, Alice and Emmett were the siblings who loved Bella the most, and Emmett made his opposition painfully clear a few hours ago. His thoughts gave him away long before his whispered footsteps crept into my room.
‘Poor kid,’ he thought, ‘why can’t he just move on? Jasper and Alice will come back, and everything will go back to normal. Why’s he so hung up about it? I sure miss having Bella around, can’t imagine what it’s like for him.’
“Emmett,” I started, turning around to face him in the doorway, “what would you have done if Rose had almost died right in front of your eyes?”
His eyes burned with pain for a moment before he rearranged his facial expression. “Easy. Nothing happened, so there would be nothing to do.” He flashed me his arrogant smile.
Sometimes I wished I had his simple and logical way of looking at life, but I knew that wouldn’t save Bella from the monster I am. “Yes, but what about the possibility of it happening again? The outcome doesn’t always resemble a fairytale,” I pleaded, begging him to grasp the complexity of the situation.
“Huh. I see your point,” he muttered. It took a lot for Emmett to verbally admit he was wrong.
Knowing that the rest of my family was listening, I set a date on our departure. “Get everyone ready to go. We’re leaving tomorrow, before it’s too late.” I jumped out of my window before I had even completed my last words, leaving Emmett dazed in the hallway. My family’s thoughts all called for me to come back and discuss the situation, but I didn’t trust myself. I knew that if I had to fight my binding need for Bella for even another day, I may go back on my decision.
I was brought back to the reality before me as the sun started to rise over the horizon, and I became painfully aware at just how different my life would be by this time tomorrow. But life goes on, and days will come and go. For as long as I live, I will be grateful for the six months I shared with my Bella. So long as she’s safe, I can be at peace with my decision.
Leaving my selfish thoughts behind me now, I think of Bella. I will go through with my decision, no matter how much unbearable suffering it causes me. In a few short hours, I will give Bella the only thing I have left to give her- life.
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