Edward’s Diary (Aftershock)

September 2, 2010

Dear Diary,

It only took me half a minute to remember my Volvo idling in Charlie’s driveway. Although, I didn’t care about my car anymore – I didn’t care about anything- such a blatant reminder of my absence wouldn’t be in Bella’s best interest.

As I scanned Charlie’s property for any sign of Bella before exiting the towering trees, I stopped dead in my tracks.

“Edward?” Bella called, her voice in hysterics. Had she seen me? No, she hadn’t seen me; she was looking for me.

“Edward!” she called again, this time from further away.

I heard what sounded to be Bella’s foot catching a log followed by a hard thud, and it took all of my will power to not approach her.

“He-he’s gone,” Bella whimpered. “Edward’s gone.”

The underlying pain in her voice ripped through my chest like wildfire. Bella so was close, but so far away. I knew I had lost the right to be with her by putting her in this much pain; she was off limits.

It wasn’t until I heard the distinct engine of Charlie’s cruiser pulling off the main road that I moved an inch. How long had I been standing there at the edge of the forest?

Dashing out from the trees and climbing into the Volvo, I turned up the heat out of habit, but it wasn’t needed. Bella wasn’t there. Sighing, I threw the car in reverse, and was driving mindlessly on the highway within a matter of minutes.

This didn’t end as I had suspected. Right now, I should still be with Bella in the forest, breathing in her enticing scent as I struggle to control my thirst. I would give anything, do anything, to be in the presence of my Bella in this moment. But she isn’t my Bella anymore, and our separation wasn’t for my benefit.

It’s only been four hours and twenty-two minutes since I left her, but this level of pain hasn’t been experienced by anyone in their entire existence. My heart had been dormant for nearly nine decades, but the place where my heart rested is now hollow. Bella’s scent still lingers on my tongue, as I have denied my instincts and held my breath in attempt to keep her scent with me.

Each tick of the nearly inaudible clock blares in my ears, distancing Bella and me further apart. I don’t know where I am, and I don’t care in the least. Driving can’t hold my attention, leaving a colossal amount of space for my thoughts to wonder.  An empty and hollow existence faces me now, and I have already accepted what goes along with it. Time isn’t relevant, and everything I used to find purpose in has vanished. I’m left with nothing.

But that’s what happens when you give love the opportunity to heal your heart, right? You’re often left with a broken one. But a broken heart is far less important than a damned soul. Bella will never know the truth behind why I left her, I’m sure of that, but she will benefit. Her safety will benefit, and more importantly, her soul will benefit.

People often say God does everything for a reason, and although that reason is being kept from me, I’ll make it my mission to find out what it is. At least it will distract me from being separated from Bella…temporarily. Temporary distractions, that’s all I ask of life. A temporary distraction from an intolerable agony and haunting memories. These vivid memories are etched in my mind, never to leave or lose their potency.

Try as I may to return to the mindset I had before I met Bella, I just can’t. After I met her, my world changed forever. My life is unchangeable, unalterable. Was there any way to remember her, but also encounter relief? I added the challenge to my list of distractions.

“Don’t…don’t do this” Bella’s agonized voice played in my head. Her voice was so close that I could almost imagine her here with me.

Her voice nearly made me steer off the wet road while an ancient feeling made my chest tighten. Vampires weren’t supposed to feel pain…at least, not physically.

“You…don’t….want me?” the hurt voice asked.

As each word replayed itself in my mind, new wounds were cut open. The pain was excruciating. It was torture. I had to pull over, now, before I mauled down oncoming cars.

Another memory hit me at full force. “Besides, if you turn us into a Volvo pretzel around a tree trunk, you can probably just walk away.

In my planning to leave Bella, never had I once expected the pain to be this down right unavoidable or this real. But now I know why this level of pain isn’t known to a human – their vulnerable bodies simply couldn’t take it.

Oh, to be human again! To have a beating heart and blood running through my veins, to be freed from this monster’s body I am stuck in for the rest of eternity… I would give almost anything for it. Had I been born in this day and not been changed, a relationship with Bella would have been easy, as simple as breathing.

Would she even want me if I was human? Would she still love me if I didn’t have the accompanying strength, beauty, and speed that comes with what I am? She would still love me if I was normal…wouldn’t she? I guess it doesn’t really matter now anyway.

Banging my head against the leather steering wheel, I forced myself to clear my mind. If I didn’t, I would become the next nutcase in a long line of insane vampires. Closing my eyes, I concentrated on little things; the sound of the birds and the passing cars, the warm air as it caressed my cheeks and before long, my thoughts had ceased all together.

-Edward Cullen


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