October 2, 2010
So Renee, Esme, and Bella all went out to explore our local garage sales this morning. The visions I’d had when I was invited … well, let’s just say there was nothing anyone could say to convince me to go with them. I did, however, see one thing that I wanted – a 1920s Lalique crystal perfume bottle worth about $20,000 – so I concentrated to see how much they wanted for it, and then gave Bella the $40 she’d need to buy it, going into great detail to describe it so she would be able to find it amidst the rubble.
It’s not for me though, it’s part of Rosalie’s Christmas gift from me. See, when she was human, she always loved the ritual of putting on perfume – back then, every perfume bottle had one of those glamorous bulb atomisers that you had to squeeze for the perfume to come out – and she really missed that when she was changed. At first, she tried to keep up her routine, but Edward couldn’t stand to be anywhere near here for the smell, so it must have been even stronger and harder to deal with to Rosalie, because she eventually stopped wearing it.
So my gift to her is a hand-picked collection of beautiful crystal perfume bottles, all the loveliest ones I can find, and all of them – empty. That way, she can squeeze the little bulb all she wants and not drown in the reek of human perfume.
Anyway, so Bella, Esme, and Renee left around 7AM, all dressed as though they were going hiking rather than driving around Forks. Even Bella had on her Lanvin leopard-print sneakers, along with a fur-trimmed, hooded designer version of the tacky “puffer” coat humans seem to adore so much. They had taken Emmett’s Jeep to add to the urban warrior illusion. Okay, it was actually in case they found anything large – Esme had asked me to look ahead for her and see which car they should bring, and it looked like there was a large Joseph Stella painting she would like, and I couldn’t tell exactly how big it was, so I told her to just take the Jeep to be on the safe side. Amazing how these insanely valuable things can just be hidden in piles of people’s junk!
I saw that they would be gone all day, and with Nessie sleeping, and Carlisle back at the hospital, it was the usual suspects hanging around the house today. Emmett, Rose, Jasper, Edward and I were all bored, and since Edward didn’t want to venture too far from Renesmee, we were more or less stuck at home. Without Bella there, we couldn’t play any games – Edward would be hearing everyone’s thoughts – and unless we invited Seth or Leah to spend their free time playing with us instead of sleeping, I could see everyone’s plans and strategies. So no games …
“Bored,” Emmett grunted, his head hanging upside-down as his torso was bent backwards over the back of the sofa.
“Very bored,” Rosalie concurred at his side, idly examining her golden hair, which she was methodically wrapping and unwrapping around her finger.
I sighed, gazing up at Jasper’s chin from my pillow, a.k.a. his lap. I was bored too, and every idea I had was being shot down before I could even say it aloud – I could see them refusing to participate in a fashion show, a play, a reenactment of the “Thriller” music video …
Edward waited patiently, Emmett and Rose less patiently, as I ran through all the options I could think of. The only one that seemed like it’d work was for Jazz and Emmett, the rest of us would just be spectators. Still, it was better than nothing!
So Jasper and Emmett faced one another in the backyard, each holding their razor-sharp antique iron swords – they each had two, because let’s face it, just one apiece would be pretty boring for us. I could hear Seth’s padding footsteps slow in the forest as he caught a glimpse of the boys poised to attack one another.
Edward waited until everyone’s thoughts were in a frenzy of suspense and all bets had been placed before shouting, “Begin!” They had only 40 seconds to battle – the equivalent of about half an hour to a human – and the goal was to disarm the opponent, or break his swords, or both.
Rose and I immediately started shouted trash talk at each other’s husbands, as Jazz and Emmett circled around, Emmett waving his swords menacingly and Jasper waiting for the right moment to strike. His moment arrived when Emmett, imitating some silly action movie, feinted toward Jazz with both swords in a twisting motion, leaving his right side unprotected. Jasper sidestepped, caught the handle of Emmett’s sword with the blade of his own, and tossed it away into the forest.
“Hahahahaha haaa, nanananana naaa,” I sang, sticking out my tongue at Rose in excitement as she scowled and booed.
Enraged, Emmett began to move faster – but he was no match for Jazz, who watched his every move with a calculating gaze. The two danced around each other, twisting and turning and stabbing and -
“HA!!!” I crowed, hopping up and down in delight as Emmett’s other sword flew into the air and embedded itself 40 feet up in a tree trunk with a dull thunk.
“Rematch!” Rose and Emmett shouted at the same time, as Emmett leaped into the tree’s branches and climbed up to his sword. He removed it from the tree bark swiftly, then growled as he realized that the blade was now considerably dulled.
They ended up doing “best of three,” which turned into “best of five.” The final score was 3 victories for Jasper, and 2 for Emmett (in my opinion, they were pity wins – Jasper is so generous).
Then Emmett wanted to compete in a more physical challenge, so the three boys had a … um … throwing contest, I guess you could call it. Kind of like the shot put, but with half-grown pine trees. Emmett, of course, won all five times.
By then Rose and I had gotten worked up into a competitive frenzy, so we devised a contest for the two of us.
It was a dance-off.
I got to choose the first song, Rosalie the second, and Edward (the impartial party) chose the third. I chose “Calabria 2007 (Club Mix),” which was a bit less sexy than the other fast songs on my iPod – I knew Rosalie’s moves, and let’s just say there’s not a lot of line-dancing or disco in there. I pulled out all my best techno moves and even a bit of breakdancing, and won the first round.
Then Rose’s song came on; she had, of course, chosen “Low,” and immediately began swaying and shaking her hips and, um, other parts. I knew she was going to win, but I still had fun getting in her face with my vastly superior hip-hop moves.
Edward had been careful not to decide which song he’d play until the very last minute, so Rose and I were both surprised to hear “The Hustle” start to play. So he’d heard my thoughts about disco earlier! I almost collapsed in giggles when Emmett jumped in with his silly moves, like The Sprinkler, Rolling the Dice, and that all-time classic The Lawn Mower. By the end of the song all of us were laughing nonstop as we did The Hustle together.
Obviously, Rose and I tied, and it was exactly the right way to get rid of the competitive urges we’d all been possessed with that day. We were able to shake hands (figuratively speaking) and part as friends – Rose, to go hunt with Emmett, and Edward to go check on Renesmee. Jazz and I took advantage of the temporarily empty house.
It sounds like the girls are home, so I’d better go see if Bella found that perfume bottle. Tomorrow is the last day of Renee’s visit, so I’ll write more then!