Alice’s Diary — Torture

October 24, 2010

Dear Diary,

I could kill Emmett! I was on edge all day yesterday. The little (or rather, huge) brat decided to have Seth invite Embry and Quil over, and somehow Emmett convinced everyone that it would be super fun to have a wolf at their side all day … so that I would not be able to see anything. All day.

Well, except for Jazz, of course – he declined the invitation and thank goodness, because that would have been awful. Still, his future and mine were all I could see for the day, and it just made me so anxious. What if something bad actually was going to happen?

For Emmett, it was payback; for me, it was a catalyst. I have got to continue working with Carlisle and Edward to break past my mental block with the wolves. It seems like they’re a permanent fixture in our lives anyway, and how could I ever allow Nessie to marry Jacob if I couldn’t see her future when he was with her?

Well, luckily, I don’t have to worry about that just yet. But unless I can get past this handicap, that’s how it will be. And let’s face it, it will be hard enough to let that girl go when the time comes, without the added anxiety of not being able to keep an eye on her future.

So today, that’s what I worked on. Instead of enjoying a nice Sunday at home with my family, I asked Edward and Carlisle to help me train. They, of course, were overjoyed at the prospect of scientific breakthroughs, but I felt bad keeping Carlisle busy when he could have been spending time with Esme.

“Let’s try something different today,” Carlisle began in his formal tone, making a note in his record book. “Alice, I want you to try to clear your mind completely. Just let your thoughts drift, until they’ve dissipated completely. Edward, please signal me when she’s ready.”

Edward and I nodded obediently, and I closed my eyes. Okay, clear mind. No thoughts. Just emptiness. Scientific breakthroughs must be priority one for now. Scientific progress goes boink … I smirked to myself as I pictured Calvin and Hobbes, and Edward sighed quietly. Oops, right, clearing my mind of all thoughts. Okay, here goes …

The more quiet I tried to force my mind to be, the more random things popped into my mind. A pair of Louboutins I already had that had just been re-released in a different color … some mineral makeup I had ordered a few days ago … bridesmaid dresses for Rosalie’s next wedding … trampolines …

A smile played over my face as I watched the trampoline game play out. It looked like only a few more days … it was going to be such fun …

But the scene began to blur, and I automatically struggled to bring it into focus, breaking my trance. Crap!

“It didn’t work,” Edward sighed in disappointment as my eyes blinked open.

“What were you doing?” I inquired, watching Carlisle’s pen scratch across the pages of his book at light speed.

“Once you were deep in your trance, Edward waited for you to have a vision of some event that he would be involved in. Then, he made a decision to include Jacob in that future activity,” Carlisle explained, setting down his pen.

I nodded, impressed. It was really not a bad plan. Too bad it hadn’t worked …

“Yes, too bad,” Edward murmured with regret. Tilting his head toward the office door, he called out, “Jasper? It’s time.”

I stiffened at the sound of Jazz’s footsteps racing away from the house alongside one of the wolves. Just like that, he popped right out of my head.

“What are you doing?!” I cried in horror, torn between the overwhelming need to go after him and the urge to kill my brother first.

“Calm down, Alice,” Carlisle soothed, coming around his huge desk with his palms up in front of him. “Jasper is in no danger. We believe this is the only way to break past the obstacle -”

“Forget the stupid obstacle,” I spat, digging my fingers into the carpet to keep them from clawing out my father and brothers’ eyes. I was pretty sure I would regret that later. Although maybe not … “What are you doing with Jasper?

Edward grabbed my shoulders and stared into my eyes, willing me to look at him. I growled in response, and he shook me gently.

“Alice, you know nobody would allow Jasper to be harmed,” he reminded me in a no-nonsense tone, trying to get through to me. I groaned in agitation as my mind helplessly continued to scan for Jasper. I couldn’t find him. It was driving me completely insane!!!

“Carlisle,” Edward said urgently as I tried to shove him out of my way. I had to go find Jasper! But Carlisle stepped forward and gently put his arms around me, then assisted Edward in holding me down.

“Remember, Alice, you asked us to help you,” Carlisle said grimly, exerting all of his strength to keep me in place. I howled in protest. Who cared about silly science games when Jasper could be in danger? Right this very moment, he could be getting into a fight with the wolves – could be -

“It’s working,” Edward hissed as I thrashed and shoved, reaching blindly with my mind. Had to find Jasper. Had to see Jasper -

As I struggled, a very fuzzy picture began to form in my mind. Trees, darkness, murky green light reaching something that sparkled like a million tiny diamonds -

“You did it!” Edward shouted victoriously, shaking me again to snap me out of it. I blinked and realized I had shredded his shirt to tiny ribbons. Damn, and that was a brand-new Marc Jacobs …

“Wait, what?” I asked in confusion, shaking my head in an attempt to make the strange swirling agony go away. What was going on?

Distantly, I heard thudding footsteps. OH!

“Jasper!” I cried. Edward grinned beatifically at me.

“You found him,” he exulted. Once more behind his desk, Carlisle nodded as he scribbled furiously.

“We sent him with Seth, a little distance away,” he explained absently as he wrote. “It was Emmett’s little game yesterday that gave us the idea. We hoped the resulting anxiety and fear would force your mind past the block.”

I gaped at him, then turned my disbelieving gaze on Edward. How could they do such a thing to me?

“We had to, Alice,” Edward murmured gently as Jasper raced through the back door and up the stairs. When he burst into the room, I was on my feet to throw myself into his loving arms.

“Don’t you ever do that to me again,” I growled, my voice muffled by the thick fabric of Jazz’s cashmere sweater. He tightened his grip on me in response.

“We have to,” Carlisle responded calmly. “It seems to be the only way -”

No! No more,” I cried, whipping around to fix him with a beseeching stare.

Edward put up his hands in a gesture meant to calm me. “We’ll take a break,” he assured me.

“Of course,” Carlisle assented. “We need only try – oh, once a month or so, do you think?”

“That sounds right,” Edward agreed.

Jazz tilted my face up to his and assessed the emotional trauma that still had me in its grasp. Concern and indecision twisted his perfect features.

“You know it’s for the best,” he whispered, sending out peaceful energy. “You know I won’t let anything happen to me while I’m away.”

I sighed deeply. After what I had just been through, I could not imagine willingly submitting to such torture again.

“We’ll discuss it another time, perhaps,” Carlisle offered, studying my face. He stood and came around the desk again, reaching his arms out to me. I allowed him to embrace me, but was not ready to hug him back.

“My apologies, Alice,” he whispered with sincere concern in his voice. “Truly, I didn’t mean to make you suffer. I just wanted to help.”

“I know,” I replied stiffly, unable to respond more gracefully. Edward and Carlisle looked at each other for a brief moment, then simultaneously left the office.

When Jazz and I were alone, I just gazed at his face, re-memorizing each millimeter of beauty. The relief I felt at having him back in front of me, whole and sound, was more than I could bear.

XOXO Aiice



This entry was written by Erin MacMahon. She was the former writer of Alice's Diary before Rachel took over. Although Erin is no longer a writer at we wish her nothing but the best and are so very happy to have met such a true talent!
©Erin MacMahon

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