Dear Diary (Feather)

November 27, 2010

I ran one finger from Edward’s shoulder all the way down to his hand then opened my fingers and laced them together with his. His liquid-gold eyes trickled from my gaze, down to my lips, then he grinned and delicately brought his mouth to mine and whispered, “No. I love you, Bella. But I don’t think that it’s a good idea for Jacob and Renesmee to visit Isle Esme alone.”

His lips moved so fast it looked like they were trembling. His sweet, addictive breath brushed softly against my face and I had to blink hard to come back to reality. Edward would always have a way of dazzling me; turning my granite-like, immortal body to liquid. Somehow.

I wanted to offer Jacob and Renesmee the chance to visit Isle Esme, to have some alone time. It felt like anytime they tried to be alone, someone was always watching them, listening in on them or reading their minds. Jake spent so much time patrolling and traveling back to La Push to see his family that I wondered if he ever got the chance to just relax. Have fun.

I bit my lip, noticing again how different that gesture felt as a vampire. It felt like biting down on porcelain. As a human it felt spongy and warm. Delicate. “I love you too, Edward . . . ” I hesitated, looked down, trying to find the right words. “But, I don’t have to agree with you. I think they deserve some alone time. And we both know Jacob would never let anything happen to Renesmee. Plus, let’s not forget that Charlie allowed me go to Isle Esme alone with you.”

“Yes, but you were my wife,” he reminded me with a brilliant smile before bringing his lips to the top of my head to steal a kiss. “And let’s also not forget that after I took you to Isle Esme alone, not only did you get pregnant with my half-vampire, half-human child, but you became what you are now. You died, essentially, Bella.”

He had a point. “Fair enough. But it will happen sometime . . .  if they get married I mean. We can’t stop them from honeymooning.”

“If Renesmee decides to take Jacob’s hand in marriage then she will be all his. They will belong to each other and can do as they please, of course.”

I left it at that. I knew I had to stop worrying about everyone else again; it only got me worked up. I did feel bad about Renesmee and Jacob’s lack of privacy, but they got to be alone whenever Jake took Renesmee hunting far enough out of range to keep their thoughts from Edward. That would have to suffice, for now.

“We’ll talk about this again another time,” I started. “Right now I want to go for our Thanksgiving hunt.”

Edward’s eyes were still liquid gold, but I didn’t have to look at mine to know they were pure black. My throat blazed violently, endlessly. The bears are hibernating now, so Emmett is adjusting to a primarily elk diet again – which makes him more thirsty at first. Edward went hunting with him just two days ago but I was out buying turkeys with Alice and Rosalie.

On Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter we buy as many turkeys as we can then we deliver them to homeless shelters and soup kitchens, along with fresh vegetables and anything else you’d need to create a filling holiday dinner. Esme bakes desserts, too, and even though Jacob picks at them continually, there’s still tons to deliver.

I know it’s not in our nature, not what we are, to help humans the way we do, but we go against our nature in many ways. We all do; humans included. Although I don’t have a fraction of the compassion I did as a human, I still feel. I feel something. It’s different, but it’s there, like a voice reminding me that I used to be one of them. I used to be fragile and weak.

Edward leaned his torso back, away from me, then his eyes widened and he smiled, a half smile that met his eyes, illuminating them. “I have something to give you before we go for our Thanksgiving hunt, my love.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You do know people don’t exchange gifts for Thanksgiving, right?”

“Ah, you’re right, people don’t. Last time I checked, though, I didn’t need oxygen to survive – nor did I have a beating heart,” he joked, pulling me into his chest with one arm.

“I didn’t get you anything,” I mumbled feebly into the fabric of his sweater, still nestled into his chest.

“Bella, I didn’t want you to. To be honest,” he continued, a low laugh escaping his smooth lips, “it’s just a coincidence that I got this for you on Thanksgiving. It has nothing to do with the holiday. Can’t a husband buy his beautiful wife gifts from time-to-time?”

I shrugged. “Of course,” I answered thoughtfully. “You just caught me off guard is all.”

Edward nodded then ran to his piano room and back in a flash. When he returned, he had a white box with iridescent, almost glittery writing on top. I could see every groove in the box, every tiny detail. I knew it was jewelry; the box, of course, gave it away. “It’s really nothing big,” Edward began. “Just something that reminded me of you.”

I had to make an effort to think straight; Edward’s face was the most beautiful when he was happy, which seemed to be when he was making me happy. His impossibly perfect, godlike exterior radiated an illuminating, captivating beauty that nothing could compete with. Immortals, we’re inhumanly beautiful, but Edward was still more. Still beyond words. And now that I had super-human vision, I could see him even more clearly. I still wasn’t used to it. I would never get used to it.

“Thank you,” I said, and my voice cracked just a little. Edward placed the box in the palm of my hand. I wrapped my pale fingers around it. Then with my other hand I lifted up the sparkly lid. Inside was one of the most unattractive necklaces I’d ever seen. I made an effort to keep my face expressionless. It was a long double chained gold necklace donning an ivory, gold-edged feather. A feather. That part of my human life wasn’t so vague. In fact, I suddenly remembered it perfectly:

“Why am I covered in feathers?” I asked, confused.
He exhaled impatiently. “I bit a pillow. Or two. . . . ”

I let out a big breath that I had unknowingly been holding in and a soft laugh escaped out with it. “Isle Esme. Our honeymoon . . . you, I mean we, were covered in feathers. So much happened right after that; I had almost forgotten.”

“I’d rather forget the bruising part,” Edward mumbled under his breath as he looked down to the floor then peeked up at me through his eyelashes. “But the necklace, it will always remind me of how far we’ve come . . . and it will always remind me of the night we made our beautiful daughter. I would suggest, however, that we keep the meaning of the feather a secret from the family.”

I laughed and nodded in agreeance then unclasped the chain so that I could fasten it around my neck. Sure, it isn’t the most beautiful piece of jewelry I’ve seen, but it came from Edward. It’s important in life to love what’s meaningful and not just what’s beautiful, and to see the beauty that lies beneath the surface. Next to my wedding ring, the feather is my favorite piece of jewelry; my favorite possession even. It’s a little piece of history, a piece of my human life, tied around my neck. It will always remind me of how much I trust Edward, and how much Edward loves me. We took the greatest risk of all that night; I risked death – even though to me, it wasn’t a risk. I trusted Edward with everything I had in me. Every fiber of my being.

Walking toward the oversize, dark oak-framed hallway mirror, I caught Edward flicker his eyes at me in the reflection. His face gleamed. He looked awestruck. It reminded me of the look I imagine myself having when Edward dazzled me. I loved seeing him look at me the same way, though sometimes I still felt inadequate – or like I was dreaming the perfect dream.

I was afraid terrified, that one day I’d wake up in my bed at Charlie’s house in Forks and toss my pillow over my head to muffle the sound of rain sloshing against my window. I was afraid that somehow, this world – the world I was now eternally part of – was all going to vanish, disappear. I knew some of the Cullen’s viewed immortality as a curse, but I wouldn’t trade being eternally tied to Edward and Renesmee in for anything.

I let the feather necklace dangle over my off-white cashmere sweater and smiled – a forced smile – at my reflection. My transformation, my inhuman exterior, would be something I’d always struggle to get entirely used to. After I glanced at my eyes and noticed how dark they had gotten, my throat began to blaze wildly, reminding me to satiate my growing, rampant thirst. “I love it,” I said through the same forced smile that hadn’t left my face yet. “The meaning will be our little secret. Always. Now, we have to hunt, though.” I tucked the necklace into my sweater, to keep it safe while I hunted. I felt myself lower into an almost-crouch, my fingers spreading out like claws. My instincts were kicking in. I had to hunt. . . . 

Edward locked his jaw, realizing how severe my thirst had become. “Take my hand, love. Let’s go.” With that, we were off. We walked at a human pace into the backyard then as soon as we hit the edge of the forest, I ran faster than I knew I could. Faster than I had ever moved as a vampire.

After our Thanksgiving hunt – an exceptionally large elk for me and a mountain lion for Edward – I was able to extinguish the thought of ripping apart a healthy, plump human and draining their warm, sweet-scented blood into my throat.

Feeling more alive, I went upstairs to my little library and continued writing my story. The story of my life – my human life – from start to finish. I’m had fun putting my own conclusion to how my human life finished. I got to be in control through the pages of my book. I got to be the author of my own life. I’d never really know what my life would have been like as Bella Swan: a clumsy, plain girl who moved to Forks Washington and fell in love with the most lethal predator on Earth, married him, had his baby, but never became an immortal. But I had a few guesses.

The pages of my diary are getting eaten up as I continue to prattle on to you all. Soon, the pages will diminish, dwindle away, and my diary will be full. I plan to put it away; someplace where no one can find it. Not even a vampire will be able to sniff it out. I want to look back at it in a hundred years and devour the pages, relive every moment I had as a newborn, until now. This is the diary of the most challenging time in my life; adjusting to becoming a mother, a wife, and a vampire.

It snowed a lot here in New Hampshire, and Renesmee loves the snow; winter is her favorite season. Right now her and Jake are outside packing blocks together for an igloo, and Esme is making hot chocolate with marshmallows and cinnamon on top for when they come in. Alice is unraveling three boxes of Christmas lights that she plans to string around the house tonight.

Carlisle and Esme suggested that Edward and I go to the Christmas tree farm just outside of town and cut down a tree with Renesmee. We needed one more tree for the front foyer. Apparently one tree wasn’t enough in the Cullen household. We all went together – every single Cullen, plus Charlie and Jake – to rip up cut down the tree for the main TV room. Jake took Ness to help him cut down the tree for his house in the back and they decorated it together, of course.

As soon as Nessie comes in and finishes her hot chocolate, the three of us are going to cut down a tree. 

I hope you all have a happy, healthy, and safe holiday season. If you see any pale-faced, red or black-eyed, inhumanly beautiful people walking through your town at night, keep a distance. The nomadic vampires can get viciously thirsty around the holidays, when everyone is a little more plump, their blood a little more sweet.

-Bella Cullen

This entry is dedicated to one of the biggest supporters for her Birthday, Angie! I hope you had an amazing day, and thank you for continually making me laugh on Twitter & being the virtual Bella’s Diary bodyguard! XO

EDIT: I have written a novella called, ‘My Darrling.’ You can read a preview and purchase it HERE. Thank you all so much!

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Hey there! My name is Autumn and I wrote Bella's Diary. I'm also the website's owner/creator.
Some of you may know me as 'Krystal,' but I recently legally changed my name to Autumn, so I hope that clears up any confusion.
I like to do a lot of things, but I'm a writer first and foremost. It's my true passion. Feel free to check out my debut novella, 'My Darrling' on Goodreads here!
I'm also currently writing my own vampire/supernatural book series, and I'll keep you updated on that here once I know more.
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P.S. I'm team Edward. ;)
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