Edward’s Diary (New Beginnings)

February 14, 2011

Wednesday, March 22

Dear Diary,

It has been an extensive, complicated couple of days for me.

Nevertheless, I’m finally able to straightforwardly say that I’m alright again.

I’m whole.

Everything will be okay this time.

It was only this Saturday that I had last been broken, depressed, lifeless. I was at a hotel in Rio at the time, planning to go hunting after I checked in, when I received a phone call from Rosalie. She quite reluctantly told me that something terrible had happened; Alice saw Bella commit suicide by jumping off a cliff.

I remember when I’d first heard the words through the speakers of my phone, I’d been frozen in place, causing pedestrians to swerve around me and think of me oddly. But I had to be sure. Even though Rose wasn’t lying – I could read her thoughts – I had to be sure.

I dialed the memorized number on my cell, praying and hoping with all my might that it wasn’t true.

“Swan residence,” a deep voice answered on the other line.

Had I been in my right mind, I’d have wondered who it was. “This is Dr. Carlisle Cullen. I need to speak to Charlie Swan.” It had to be Charlie; if Alice and Rose were wrong, and Bella was still alive, I don’t think either of us could bear to talk.

There was a stifling silence on the other end. “He’s not here.” The speaker was almost growling. “He’s at the funeral.”

Dead tone.

That was all I needed to know. And then I knew what I had to do.

It would be impossible to live life without Bella, even if I couldn’t be with her. She was my life. I remembered what I had told her earlier this year, before I’d left her, about what I’d do if something had happened to her.

Well, I wasn’t going to live without you. But I wasn’t sure how to do it – I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help… so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi…

And that was exactly what I was going to do. Without thinking about it, I was on a plane to Italy. Too consumed with anxiety to use my brain – to have to wonder what I would do if I had to live the rest of my wretched life without her – I never stopped to think about how Alice would undoubtedly see my future, or to consider the fact that the Volturi might decide not to take my life away. Or what I was going to do to provoke them, anyway.

Even now, as I’m back from Volterra and safe and happy, I’m having trouble writing about this. It’s all I can do to tear my eyes away from my Bella, who’s asleep on the bed.

My angel.

My trip to Volterra is a time I’d like to forget for now, I’ll make the rest of this entry short.

The Volturi leaders hastily denied my request of death. Now that I look back in retrospect, it’s simple to see that of course Aro wouldn’t have wished to waste such talent. “I’m afraid your particular gifts are too valuable to destroy,” he’d said. “It would be wasteful.”

The Volturi had still suggested I join them, but I declined. I had my mind made up. And to follow up on my plan, I decided to attempt to break the most-enforced vampire rule there was; revealing my existence.

But thankfully, just before I was able to step out into the sun at the bell tower plaza, Bella managed to get me back inside. I remember thinking that I was dead, that I was in heaven, that I really did have a soul.

That Carlisle was right.

But she was real, and I was still alive. And the entirety of these past days still feels like a dream, if I could dream.

The Volturi let Bella, Alice and I go home in peace. Well, that is an understatement. We left with a haunting warning that Bella knew too much about our existence. My fault.

We had gotten home several hours ago. Bella’s father, of course, was livid at me and my family, continually throwing insulting thoughts at me along with a string of profanities. It wasn’t long before he kicked me out. I’m now not allowed to “take one step through the door.” So I came in through the window.

Bella’s been asleep for a long time, and she needed it. She stayed awake for four days straight. I’m completely fine with watching her as she sleeps, her brown eyes closed, her breath rising and falling in her chest, her wiped clean of the gnawing stress and worry she’d dealt with in my absence. My beautiful Bella. I’ve missed her so much.

When she wakes up, I need to be sure Bella knows I still love her, and that I only left for her benefit. I need to explain everything. But it was so amazing, how she’d believed me before; how could that silly girl actually think I didn’t want her anymore? It was the most ridiculous, absurd concept. I guess I was wrong to try and give her a chance at a normal human life, because Bella is not normal. That’s what I love about her.

As much as I’d love to sit around and be happy everything’s alright, I won’t, because I have the knowledge that it won’t be for long. The Volturi will still be after us. They still want Bella to become one of us, or die. Both thoughts make me shiver. How am I supposed to do that to her – to take away her rightful soul like that?

Victoria, of course, is still out there. But she won’t be much of a threat; there’s seven of us and one of her. She’ll never get her hands on Bella on my watch.

And then there’s the matter of Jacob Black.

But other than that, I’m beyond grateful that nothing worse is in our way. I can’t stress over it enough how exuberant I am to have Bella back, to have my family back, to have my life back. And let’s just hope it can stay that way.

I need to end this entry now. My Bella is waking up.

Will post again soon,

– Edward Cullen

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I am a quirky, geeky, nice-ish, perfectionst eighteen year old sociopath. (On second thought, that was not a good way to start.)
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