March 26, 2011
He wasn’t some beautiful statue. He was my husband.
And the people around — the ‘humming statues’ — were my family.
“Where’s Renesmee?” I demanded.
Edward’s face showed relief. “She’s gone with Jake for now. You got angry, love. We understand. I just want to take you down to our home, to calm you before you see Jake or Renesmee again.” He spoke to me like I were a child.
“My mom . . . s-she’s gone,” I whispered. It wasn’t a question, I was simply facing the reality that triggered my anger.
Charlie wrapped his arms around me, though I couldn’t feel him. “It was raining heavily, Bells. She . . . ” He paused, sucked in a deep breath and closed his eyes tightly before continuing. “She spun out and slammed into oncoming traffic. She didn’t have a pulse by the time they’d reached the hospital. I’m so sorry, Bella.”
My first loss.
I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t feel the pain in my heart. I felt frozen, angry, confused.
The worst part was that I had an eternity to be aware of her void. If there was someplace she would go, where her soul would be, I wouldn’t ever be able to join her.
For the very first time since I had been turned, I understood Edward’s reluctance to make me one of them, a vampire. But human or immortal, this would hurt . . . just differently. With time, the pain would subside. Just like it does for humans.
At least I’d hoped.
In many ways, I was still new to this world; the world I’d begged Edward to make me a part of. There was so much that I hadn’t yet experienced as a vampire. I still wasn’t even used to using that word: vampire.
In the meantime, I had to find my daughter. I scared Renesmee and could still picture the expression on her face when I almost attacked Jacob. Her big round eyes pleading with me, her lips curled down in obvious disappointment, her body pressed tightly into Jake’s out of fear.
I pulled myself from Charlie’s grip and looked at the apologetic faces surrounding me. I felt calm.
“Please, Jasper. I want to feel this. I’m okay now, I promise,” I assured him.
Jasper nodded and stopped altering my mood, but I remained composed. He admitted he had a hard time using his special power on me this time, though. “I’ve never had to focus so hard to use my gift to calm anyone before,” he admitted, pulling his eyebrows together in suspicion.
“Have you ever had to try to calm a vampire who just lost the most important human left in her life?” I asked.
Jasper lifted his chin slightly. “Point taken.”
It was true. I had lost all sense of who I was. Anger flourished throughout my entire body; anger that nothing could control. I didn’t know how to process the information because I was used to my body doing it for me, when I was human. When something hurts a human so deeply, they feel it in their heart, their stomach, their soul.
My mind briefly flickered to the vague memory of Edward walking away, leaving me in the forest behind Charlie’s house in Forks. I could still remember the pain I’d felt as a human when he left, though I could no longer feel it. I remember feeling as though a huge gaping hole had been punched through my chest, however, my body is now frozen, forbidden to remember the physical pain.
Vampires process mental pain differently.
The human instincts we retain tell us that we should be crying, we should be feeling pain in our chest, our hearts, but the reality is that we feel nothing physically.
Our mind, on the other hand, spirals out of control.
When I knew Renee was gone, my granite body filled with energy, strength. My throat began to burn wildly, even though I had just fed. My focus was not on hunting; the burning in my throat was simply telling me to drink more blood to make myself more powerful, to gain control over the situation, somehow.
Vampires are narcissistic in ways. We know we’re strong, and we’re used to deciding if someone lives, or dies. So when death happens to someone we love, and we have no control over their fate, we’ll go looking for control in other ways. Unfortunately, Jacob was almost my ‘other way.’
But regardless of any mental anguish, I have enough logic to know it’s not right. It’s not our place to play God. I had no other choice but to accept that I had zero control and that no amount of physical power, blood or anger would bring her back.
Renee was gone.
I had to be the best mother I could be in the meantime. I had to set the best example for Renesmee that I could.
I excused myself and laced my fingers with Edward’s. We walked at a faster-than-human pace down to our home. I felt embarrassed by my reaction to the news of Renee’s death, though I knew my family was not judging me.
“We’ll be here if you need us Bella,” Esme called after me, her tone so tender, comforting.
I glanced back and met Esme’s warm golden eyes. “Thank you,” I mouthed.
Just before we reached our home, I heard Charlie mumble, “I should call Phil back. We need to work out the funeral arrangements.”
This was so real. I couldn’t escape it, couldn’t deny it. I had to simply face it.
When we got to our home, I rested my head against Edward’s chest, right where his heart would be if he were human. I didn’t say a word, but I let him into my head. The first thought I showed him was that I loved him.
After that, I showed him that I would be okay and that I didn’t want him to worry. I remembered what Edward told me before he left me, when he thought he and his family were too dangerous for me after Jasper almost lost control. He said he wouldn’t forget me, but his kind — now my kind — are easily distracted. I hoped this was true.
I told myself that after
Ren Mom’s funeral I would add the finishing touches to the novel I was writing; the novel of my life as a human. I was having a difficult time writing the ending, but it would be the perfect distraction.
Edward didn’t have to say much to alleviate the mental pain. His sweet breath brushing gently across my face as he whispered, “I love you Bella Cullen” put me in a light, almost trace-like state. His rich, buttery golden eyes were deep pools of sympathy and he wanted to make it all better, make it go away.
When I hurt, Edward hurts. And when Edward hurts, I, too, hurt.
I didn’t want to hurt Edward.
“After the funeral, I’m going to finish my book. I’m excited to let you read it,” I whispered, lifting my face just slightly from his chest.
He ran his long pale fingers through my hair. “I’m excited to see how human Bella managed to spend her life married the worlds most dangerous predator.”
I laughed, a light laugh. “I know you never would have hurt me. I felt safest with you when I was human. I was never afraid, never.”
“I know,” Edward began, bemused by the thought. “I often questioned your sanity, love.” I didn’t have to lift my head off his chest to know he was grinning, that perfect crooked grin.
I heard two different heartbeats in the distance and shot up off our bed; one thudded healthily, forcefully. The other fluttered faster, like a bird flapping its wings, readying for takeoff.
“Renesmee!” I shouted as I ran up the stairs in what would have been a blur to the feeble human eye. Edward was right behind me.
I rounded the corner and there was my beautiful angel standing there, looking at me with her beautiful big brown eyes. Jacob was right beside her, his arm wrapped around her shoulder protectively.
“I’m so sorry I scared you, angel,” I told Renesmee, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her toward my chest.
She hugged me back and I sensed she was comfortable, not afraid. “I feel bad for you, Mommy,” she began, choosing her words carefully. “I would hurt so badly if you ever died. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I love you so much.”
I had no words.
Renesmee wasn’t upset about the fact that I’d scared her. She hurt, but it was for me. She felt my pain. I always knew I had a beautiful, loving daughter, but in that moment I realized just how deeply she felt for others. Her compassion made me so proud.
Jake looked down at the floor then sucked in a deep breath and I knew he was about to say something. “I’m really sorry about your loss, Bella,” he mumbled awkwardly. “If you need me for anything, you know where I reside.”
I smiled. “Thanks, Jake.”
Esme clasped her hands together and half smiled. “Well Jacob, I made you some shepherds pie. You must be getting hungry. It’s in the kitchen when you’re ready.”
Esme was always on top of things and Jake loved her to death for it. In a flash, Jake was off in the kitchen wolfing down the disgusting human food that I had once enjoyed.
Renesmee stayed by my side, her head resting against my torso. “I love you sweetheart,” I whispered softly to her before I gave her a quick kiss on the top of her head.
“I love you too mommy.”
March 24th 2011
Renee’s funeral was tough.
It’s difficult to artuculate the feelings that run rampant when you’re laying your mother to rest. She looked beautiful in her casket, though.
For now, I don’t want to elaborate too much on Renee’s absence. I want to think of the fun times we had together. Most are vague, but as I type this, I have the T-shirt memory quilt — that my Mom gave me as a graduation present — wrapped around me. Her scent still lingers on the quilt and it’s so very comforting.
After my mother’s funeral, I finally put an ending to the novel I had been writing. One of the advantages to being an immortal? We don’t sleep, so side–projects, like writing books, can be done while my Nudger is asleep.
It was the middle of the night, around 3am., when I called Edward into my library. “Would you like to read the book I just finished writing?” The words sounded bizarre leaving my mouth.
I wrote a book.
I had been so consumed with reading books that I had never thought of writing my own book. I jumped right into writing the book of my life as a human so fast that I didn’t ever actually think about what I was doing. I can’t deny it; being able to say you’ve completed a novel feels rewarding.
Edward came over to me and placed one tender kiss on the hollow of my throat. “I would love to,” he whispered in my ear.
Naturally I melted, or at least it felt like I did.
“Here.” I shifted my laptop towards Edward. “I’m sure there are some grammatical mishaps in there, just ignore those,” I said, biting my lower lip as I began to feel a little bit nervous about Edward reading my story.
He half laughed, but it didn’t touch his eyes. He was focused on the computer now; devouring the words, drinking them in. I left the library to let him read in private. Smiling, I realized this would be the first time Edward would get to see the thoughts I had about him when we first met. He could never read my mind—unless I let him—so this would be his chance to get inside, to know everything.
Here’s an excerpt of the ending of the book for you to read, too:
“I’d never given much thought to how I would die. But dying in place of someone I love, seems like a good way to go. I can’t bring myself to regret my decision to stay human; they were the most amazing human years any mortal could have possibly lived. And I’m so grateful I got to live them with Edward.”
Edward waits with me everyday beside my hospital bed in the Cullen house here in Alaska as I prepare to leave this world, to take my final breath and cease to exist.
It tears me up inside. I can’t deny that I worry about what he will do once I’m gone, though he promised me he would remain part of this world; to be a father to Renesmee—now known as Renesmee Black.
I am 87 years old. Though having Carlisle around has been a big help, I can’t fight what I am.
There’s not a lot you can do once cancer decides to unleash its fury and take over your feeble human body. I’ve chosen to go without treatment and succumb to the inevitable: death.
I have no way of letting Edward into my head to see just how much I love him and how thankful I am that he has loved me back all of these years. He still tells me I’m ‘the most beautiful woman who has, or ever will, exist.’
I just laugh.
My hair is grayed and my face is sallow. My skin has deep lines in the spots around my mouth and eyes that crease when I laugh. I love those lines, though. They’re memories; memories of every time Edward & I laughed together.
Emmett stepped quietly into my room and tip-toed to the side of my bed. “Bella,” he whispered. “Please don’t go. Please. I love you so much, more than you’ll ever know. You’re the most fearless, bad–ass sister in the world. We can turn you. I’ll do it myself.”
Edward’s lips pulled over his teeth and a low hiss escaped. “Emmett, let her go in peace. She deserves a soul. This isn’t the life for her.” His voice had no emotion, just emptiness.
Emmett grabbed my hand gently, careful not to move the intravenous tubes, and softly kissed it. “I have to say goodbye now then. I can’t watch as you slip away. I might be a monster, a predator, but this. . .this is too much. I love you, sister. I’ll miss you so much. Goodbye, Bella.”
“I love you too, Emmett,” I croaked with an attempted smile as he turned and slipped back out the door, looking as young and handsome as the day we’d met.
Rosalie, Jasper, Esme, Carlisle, Alice, Renesmee and Jake came into my room moments later. In all my years, I had never seen their beautiful, statuesque faces contorted in such a way. So sad. All of them.
“You’d think someone was dying or something,” I joked, to lighten the mood, or try to.
It might have been a little inappropriate.
“Bella, please,” Edward plead as his chest heaved up and down. The pain was swelling through his body and I felt guilty for making light of the situation.
“I’m sorry. I really am. I just don’t want to see you all so unhappy.”
“Oh, Bella!” Alice sighed as she danced toward my bed and cupped her hand over mine. “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I love you so much and a day won’t go by where I don’t think of you.”
“I love you too, Alice.”
Tears began to well up in my eyes, again. I had spent a lot of time crying lately; mostly with Edward, as we reminisced about all the fun times we had spent together. I lived a surreal life, and I had Edward and his family to thank for that.
Over the years, Rosalie and I had become close. We weren’t close in the same way Alice and I had been, it was a different kind of close. We didn’t go shopping together often, but we talked a lot. We recommended books to each other, and Rose even taught me a lot about cars. But the hostility had completely evaporated, thankfully.
Rosalie’s goodbye was quick. She pulled it off like a band-aid. I expected her to. “Goodbye, Bella. I love you.” She hesitated, then leaned forward and whispered in my ear, “And for the record, yes, I’ve always been jealous of you. You’re fearless and you went against all the odds. Rest in peace, sister. I will never forget you.”
I smiled through the weakness that I felt taking me down. “I love you, Rose.”
It had been decided that Jasper, Carlise and Esme would remain in the room for my passing. No one was certain, exactly, how Edward would react, but regardless, he would need them there. Renesmee and Jake wanted to be in the room, too.
Esme would be the voice of reason, the motherly support. Jasper would help keep Edward calm should he lose control of himself. Carlisle would be there to pronounce me dead.
I felt myself slowly slipping, my aged body losing the battle. Edward sat there, taking in the pain from everyone’s thoughts on top of his own, his body shaking as anger and hurt coursed through him. He held my hand so lightly and placed a soft kiss on my forehead every-so-often and whispered, “I love you, beautiful” into my ear. His icy breath made me shiver, but in a good way.
I drank in Edward’s beauty one last time and squeezed his cold hand to tell him it was time for me to go. He shook and, for the first time since I had known him, he looked weak, his will to live disappearing more as I neared my last breath.
He looked drained.
“I love you so much,” I whispered and a single tear escaped my eye. “Every time you see a star shoot across the dark sky, think of me.” I looked around the room weakly, my eyesight slipping. “Renesmee,” I whispered, “my beautiful angel, I love you. I love you all so very much. I’ll be watching over you all. Promise. Jake, please take good care of my little girl. And never forget that I love you so much.”
Edward inhaled a deep breath and muttered a sound I’d never heard from him before. He was crying, without tears. “I love you my beautiful lamb. I love you, I love you, I—”
September 13th 2065
Bella’s final breath came in a wild gasp that shredded my lifeless heartstrings apart, turned my stone-hard body to complete and utter weakness. Her heart came to a halt and I had to fight with everything I had in me to let her go, to keep myself from turning her and making her mine forever.
But I could not be selfish. My Bella deserves so much more than this. I am, after all, Edward Cullen: a vile, masochistic monster. She was my perfect angel. My delicate, breakable lamb.
I spend every night at Bella’s grave. Not a single night has gone by where I haven’t sat with her, from twilight until dawn, and talked about Renesmee, Jake and our family. I can feel her with me still; not physically, but I know she hears me.
I have considered having myself destroyed on so many different occasions, when her absence becomes too unbearable, then I look at Renesmee’s big brown eyes and I remember the promise I made to Bella. Though it’s been tough, I plan to adhere to that promise.
My life has lost all purpose. It is back to being like a moonless night: very dark. So very dark. I will continue existing here on Earth, but all happiness has slipped through my fingers, and I know I will never, ever know a purpose for existing again. Bella was my life.
It’s twilight again. It’s time for me to head to Forks and visit Bella’s grave. This is the only light in my night now. Bella asked to be buried in Forks; she wanted to be laid to rest in the place that brought us to each other.
I have so much to tell her. Tonight would have been her birthday, and I wrote a book for her, as a present. A book of how our lives would have been if Bella had become one of us, immortal. I called it, From Twilight to Breaking Dawn. Those are the hours I spend with her each night, so I thought it would be a suitable title.
I plan to read the book to her, a little bit each night.
I’m off to go be with my love now.
I heard the door to my library open up and Edward was by my side within seconds. He didn’t say a word, just wrapped his arms around my body and held me. He held me so tight, his cheek pressed against mine, his chest pressed into me so hard, like he was trying to escape inside my body.
“Are you okay?” I asked, somewhat shocked by the impact my book had on him.
“I couldn’t have done it. You were right. You were right all along. I’m selfish for turning you, yes, but Bella . . . I need you. You thrust the reality of how we could have ended up in my face, and I realized I was crazy to have considered letting you leave this world eventually. I—”
“Edward!” I interrupted, “I didn’t write the book to prove a point. I just wanted to close that chapter, close off the ‘what-ifs’ of my human life.”
He pulled his body just slightly away from mine so he could look me in the eyes. “I know the book wasn’t about proving a point, but reading that was so difficult, painful. I couldn’t imagine actually going through that. I simply couldn’t. I love you more than I ever thought I was capable of loving. You are my life, Bella.”
My eyes circled the contours of his sculpted jaw, then made their way back up to his beautiful golden eyes. “You’re my life, Edward. You always will be.”
Edward lifted me off my feet and swirled me around in the air, his eyes wide and buttery, so full of life. “I can hear Jacob’s thoughts right now and he wants to propose to Renesmee, but I’m having a hard time being angry now that I have been reminded of how lucky I am to have you here with me, forever.”
My jaw dropped. “What? Propose?”
Writers note: Thank you all so very much for supporting Bella’s Diary all these years. This is the very last entry, but I might do a bonus entry or two at some point down the road! You’ll never understand how much it means that so many of you have taken the time from your busy lives to read my ideas of how ‘life’ could end up for Edward and Bella after Breaking Dawn. Again, thank you all so very much. With love,
Autumn (formerly known as Krystal prior to legally changing my name in October 2013).