May 11, 2011
I am so much happier now.
It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Charles was drafted in to go to war. He left last night. Instead of giving me a kiss and telling me he loved me before leaving, he dragged me upstairs for one last humiliating time. I wondered why I expected anything different from him. He hadn’t been affectionate in the 6 months we had been married, unless we were in public, but even then you could tell it was disgusting him to be nice to me.
Is it wrong of me to be pleased that my husband is going to war? Not knowing whether he will come back again. If he does come back I only have one wish… and that is that he isn’t like he used to be. I really hope the war changes him.
Today has been a pleasant day. I haven’t been fearful of Charles coming home. I spent the day at home today. I made myself a small lunch and then decided to go for a walk. It was a nice warm day today for a change. I walked for ages, taking off my shoes so that I could feel the grass beneath my feet, the soft blades wrapping themselves between my toes with every step I took.
After what seemed like forever, I went and sat down under a tree. I sat there hugging my knees thinking about my life. How it had turned out. Wondering where it would go. What would happen to me if Charles ever came back. Before I knew it tears where splashing my knees, relief that the pain I had been enduring the last few months was over for now, maybe even forever.
Without thinking about it my mind wandered back to that day I broke my leg falling out of the tree. Meeting Dr. Cullen and falling in complete lust with him.
I wonder, what would have happened if I’d been a little older and we could have courted. I wondered if all men treat their wives the way Charles did? My mind kept jumping back to Dr. Cullen: Was he married now? Was he happy? Where was he? I knew I had to get a grip of myself. Dr. Cullen was long gone.
I decided to etch a mark into my tree, so that I could find it again. It soon became my sanctuary. I would walk there every afternoon after being at my parents farm helping them out. I would stroll across the fields without any shoes on feeling the grass beneath me.
I was happy.
I wasn’t scared anymore. I lived by my rules, not his.
It has been 6 weeks since Charles left for the war. I wondered what he was doing now, where he was. I was laying under my tree and it was freezing cold, but I didn’t care. I loved this place, it was my secret. I laid there for hours on this particular day, daydreaming about things. I can’t quite remember what…
“Excuse me?” The voice asked
I jumped up, startled. We were miles from any houses. I’d never seen anyone here before. And yet there was a man standing there staring down at me.
“Oh, hello,” I said. I looked up at the man standing before me, taken back by how beautiful he was. His jet black hair pushed away from his clean shaven face, his long dark eye lashes covering his brown eyes. He had to be close to my age. Why wasn’t he serving in the war?
He smiled at me. “Are you okay Miss?” he asked, with a look of genuine concern.
“Yes, thank you. I’m fine,” I replied, wondering what he was doing so far from the villiage.
“It’s just that it’s really cold miss, and you look… well, kind of blue.”
“Do I?” I hadn’t thought about how cold it was outside but now that he mentioned it, I realized I was freezing.
“I think maybe I should go home now,” I said through chattering teeth.
“Let me help you,” he replied. I tried to persuade him to believe I’d be okay, but he insisted saying it wouldn’t be ‘gentlemanly’ of him to leave me out there on my own.
We walked for about 15 minutes in silence before anyone spoke.
“My name is Johnathon,” he said, smiling over at me.
“Hello, Jonathon. I’m Esme,” I replied.
“That’s a beautiful name, for a beautiful woman,” he said, charmingly.
I blushed. “Urm, thank you Johnathon.”
We were nearing my house and I didn’t want to be spotted with a strange man. Charles would be very angry if he ever found out.
I thanked Johnathon and said goodbye.
“Will I see you again?” He asked, looking slightly worried.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, do you? My husband is serving in the war.” And with that I turned and walked towards my house, using all my strength not to turn around and look at him.
I shall write again soon