(Esme’s Diary) Chapter 9: Panic Attack

May 31, 2011

Dear Diary,

It seems like it has been forever since I last wrote in here… But in truth, it has only been about 4 weeks. Johnathon and I see each other everyday. I spend the mornings at my parents farm and then the afternoons with my love. Occasionally I feel guilty, but then I remember what Evie said about deserving to find happiness.

There is one thing that I know for certain. Either Johnathon and I will have to go our seperate ways when Charles gets back, or we will have to run away together. I’m not sure which will happen but I do know that Charles will kill both of us if he ever found out that we were having a relationship behind his back. Anyway let me tell you about today.

I was working in the front garden of my parents house when my mother called me. “Esme dear,” she said,

“Yes mother?” I replied, wondering what she wanted this time as I walked into the kitchen. She’d be calling me every 5 minutes – obviously wanting to say something but knowing how to say it.

“Have you been told the sevice men are coming home on a weeks leave soon?” My mother asked, twisting her apron around in her fingers. She was obviously nervous about my reaction.

I really didn’t know what to do.

My heart started beating so fast and a nervous feeling overcame me, it was like I had hundreds of butterflies fluttering around my stomach. A lump rising to my throat. I honestly thought I would be sick. What was I going to do about Johnathon? I never, for one second, imagined Charles to come back so soon.

I had hoped he would never come back.

I had to talk to Johnathon, we were due to meet under our tree after I’d finished at my parents. Yes, you read that right – it is now our tree. Every time I think of it as my tree, he would always show up there, so now it’s our tree.

My mother continued talking, totally oblivious that I was having a panic attack at her kitchen table.

“There’s going to be a welcome-home dinner and I have offered to host it here, and I have also invited my new neighbors,” Mother told me.

I was wondering who these new neighbors were. Mother hadn’t mentioned before that people were going to be moving in. I planned to ask Mom who the new neighbors were and if they were local when I remembered that I must tell Johnathon that Charles will be coming home for a week and that I won’t be able to get away to our tree.

My mother was looking at me, probably wondering why I had all of a sudden turned as white as snow and hadn’t yet replied.

“No, mother – I hadn’t been told they were coming back for a week, do you happen to know when they will be arriving mother?” I questioned steadily.

“Why yes actually I do, they should be here any day now. Today or tomorrow I should think.”

I was panicking now. I had to get my jobs in the garden done quickly so I could get to our tree and warn Johnathon. I quickly excused myself from the kitchen, returning to my work in the garden.

The whole time I was thinking, my mind racing. I had so many emotions running through me. I was feeling sick that Charles was coming home which meant one thing….. more abuse.

I felt scared that he might find out about Johnathon and I seeing each other, although I knew Johnathon and I has been extra careful so that we were not seen together. And then this new feeling I had about Johnathon; I think it’s love that I feel. It doesn’t match to the encounter I had when I was 16, but it’s not far off.

After I finished my work in the garden I quickly said my goodbyes to my mother and father then started walking towards our tree. When I got there Johnathon was no where to be found.

I waited and waited but he never appeared. After about two hours of waiting I decided to walk home.

Johnathon had never stood me up before. Something must have happened.

But I knew I couldn’t go and ask anyone as it may cause suspicion. So I walked home and when I got to the front gate there was Charles, waiting for me in his uniform with no flowers or chocolates – just the look of pure hatred on his eveil face.

This was not a good sign. He obviously hadn’t changed, was the first thought that went through my mind. I slowly walked up the path and then up the lone step leading to my front door. I tried to smile, I knew it was fake but I was trying my hardest to be the best “wife” I could be. I didn’t want to give him reason to abuse me. I got no hug, no kiss, nothing from him. The first thing he said to me was, “Esme, where the hell have you been? Why are you so late? I called your parents and they said you left two hours ago. How do you explain yourself?” he demanded, his tone rough.

I started to panic. I had to think of something quickly. Oh God this was not good.

“I stopped by Evie’s, she needed a hand cooking and cleaning. She had all the kids at home today, they’ve all got flu so haven’t been at school and well. You know how I love to spend time with them,” I answered, avoiding eye-contact.

I knew it was a lie but did he? I just hoped if he talked to Evie she would realize and cover for me. I knew Evie would have my back now that she knew the truth about Charles.

“Okay,” was all he said. Later that night Charles did what he usually did.

After my humiliation, I just laid there staring at the walls and wishing and praying that he would soon go back to war. Silent tears fell softly down my cheek onto the feather pillow under my head. I prayed to the Lord that some way, some how, I would find a way out of this horror story I was living in.

That’s when I heard it: “Ting Ting Ting.” The soft noise came from my bedroom window, so carefully – without waking Charles – I crept out of bed to the window and looked out to find Johnathon staring up at me. I quickly walked to our back door and went outside. I whispered Johnathon’s name and then he was there in front of me.

I had an extremely weird sensation come over me. It was only a few hours, but it felt like we had been apart for so much longer. But now he was close, yet so far. I wanted to be near him, close to him, to feel his lips on mine, but I couldn’t… not tonight. I told myself Charles was asleep in the house. I had to be really careful now.

“Johnathon, you can’t be here right now. Charles is back and if he sees you–”

He cut me off by placing his finger on my lips. It lingured there and he spoke quietly. “Don’t worry. I will protect you and look after myself. I just wanted to see you. I was so upset at not being able to see you today at the tree, but my parents and I moved houses. Esme I’m so sorry.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I kissed him.

It was like my body took over and my brian didn’t want to function, but I knew I needed him. I felt so happy and blissful like I was flying. He kissed me back with so much passion. I have never known this passion before – it was new to me and I liked it.

I started to feel guilty again and scared, knowing Charles was inside and that he could wake up at any moment to find me and Johnathon here. I broke away from him gently – so as not to hurt his feelings.

He gently brushed away a tear that escaped my eye. He brushed my cheek and his hands tried, unsuccessfully, to pull my mouth up into a smile. Johnathon held my hand and with a quick peck on my lips, he was gone.

I stood there and watched him leave, that’s when I felt something strange in my hand, the one Johnathon had just been holding. I looked down to see what it was and found a piece of paper folded into 4 bits. It read:

“I will see you tomorrow night. Forever yours, Johnathon xx.”

I smiled to myself then quickly walked back inside. I had to get rid of this paper, in case Charles found it. I threw it in the fire and watched as it hit the smouldering rocks, quickly bursting into flames. I stood there looking as it disintergrated into a pile of ash, then I slowly crept upstairs and crawled back into bed. Charles rolled over but didn’t wake.

Love Esme xxx


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