Esme’s Diary (Chapter 16 – New Arrival)

November 3, 2011

Dear Diary,

I am now the very proud mother of a beautiful baby boy. Words cannot begin to explain how much this little man has made me feel. Although I shall always miss my Johnathon, I now have a piece of him that will belong to me forever. The emptiness I have been feeling up until now has all but vanished. I hope and pray that my little man will grow up to be the kind, caring, loving young man his father was.

Naming our baby was so difficult, it reminded me of the times Johnathon and I should have spent together coming up with names, arguing over the ones I liked that he didn’t, and vice versa. I wanted his name to be perfect, something that we would both like. Unfortunately Charles had stripped us of the opportunity of ever discussing these things. I finally decided on:

Robert Johnathon Walker.

Tears streamed down my face as the midwife handed me my baby in the hospital. He is the most precious and beautiful gift I have ever been blessed with. The labour was very difficult and beyond painful. It felt as though my insides were being pulled out. But now, holding Robert in my arms it was worth all the pain. He has Johnathon’s lips, nose and a good strong little chin. He also has a small mass of dark hair on his head. He is absolutely perfect!

I have never felt such a rush of love towards someone in my life. Words fail me! There are none to explain just how much I love him. He is everything I could have ever wished for and more and, although the wound in my heart from losing Johnathon will never be healed completely, it is now filled with the love for another human being.

Robert, my blessing from above.

Robert is now two days old and I have been allowed to bring him home. My days are filled with all things Robert. I have no desire to spend a single moment away from him. I sit next to his crib during the day watching him as he sleeps in front of the fire. I’m making him a blanket at the moment.

With every little milestone he reaches my heart bursts with pride. The day he opened his eyes for the first time I cried and cried, thanking the Lord and Johnathon for this precious gift. The love that one person can feel for something so little is amazing. Every ounce of my body yearns to be near him. The pain of the labour has completely disappeared, but I would go through it all again tomorrow. The end result is the most amazing thing in the world.

I was sat cradling Robert in my arms this afternoon whilst he fed off of my breast. I had one finger placed gently in his palm and all of a sudden he gripped my finger. My little man is so strong. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly he is growing and learning.

He seems to become more active when I am with him. The nurses say that he recognizes my scent and voice. The poor little mite has a slight cough at the moment, but the doctors said that it may just be his lungs adjusting to being outside the womb – or that maybe he is clearing some liquid that he swallowed during labour. Either way, they have assured me I have nothing to worry about. Which is reassuring. But still, with every cough that racks his body I just want to scream for him to get better. I would happily have the cough instead of my beautiful little baby.

The first night after he was born I sat cradling him while he slept. The nurses were telling me I should put him down to sleep – to get him into a routine, but I couldn’t. I was too amazed by him. His face, his eyes, his nose, his fingers. There was so much to take in, how is it possible that someone so perfect could come from such a tragic situation? I was sure I had been dreaming for a while. Until he woke up and started crying for his dinner of course.

Robert’s cry stood out to me in the hospital more than any other baby’s did. You could have placed me in a room with a thousand crying babies’ and I would have been able to pick out my sons. I wonder if all mothers feel the same.

This is all so new to me but I am learning fast. I seem to know already what it is he wants when he cries, whether it’s his dinner, a change of diaper, or just a cuddle. It is as if I am attuned to his every need, which I guess in a way I am. I have carried him for 9 months.

I brought him home today and introduced him to his new crib. It is quite frightening being away from the hospital without the doctors and nurses there for support but they have assured me that other than his cough he is in perfect health and that the best place for him to be is at home.

Being with Robert has made me do a lot of thinking, and I am really missing my mom and Evie. It is times like this that we need other mothers around to help and guide us with things. The hospital staff showed me how to change him, bathe him, feed him and that stuff. But it’s the other things that you need help with. Like getting the balance between Robert and having “me” time. The doctors say that when he is sleeping I should be sleeping too. And that was fine – when we were at the hospital and you have your meals prepared for you and don’t have any housework to do. But now that we are home and it’s just the two of us, how am I meant to get all the day to day things done?

Mom would know.

Evie would know.

Maybe tomorrow I will write to them. They don’t have to know where I am living, but I could at least let my mom know that she has a beautiful grandson and we are both doing Okay. She would want to know.

Wouldn’t she?

Of course she would. And if I don’t give her an address, even if Charles found out where we were then he wouldn’t know where to begin looking for me.

And even if he did, he wouldn’t have much luck. Since moving here I have taken on the name Esme Walker. It only seemed right for me to take on Johnathon’s name. And Charles would be looking for Esme Evenson or Esme Platt.

Those people don’t exist to me anymore.

Robert just made the cutest sound in his sleep. It was a cross between a gurgle and a rasp and his little arm stretched and flopped back down onto the mattress before his breathing stabilized again.

I cannot get enough of watching my son. I feel like I have to soak up every bit of him.

Love Esme

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