December 29, 2011
I wandered aimlessly through the countryside and away from the graveyard. Away from my son, away from the last thing left in my life that I had loved more than life itself. The heavy weight on my heart stayed, the bricks that had formed on my chest would not budge. I was trying desperately to figure out what I’d done so wrong that meant I deserved this.
I’m so tired.
Tired of asking the same old questions over and over again. I knew that they weren’t going to be answered. So what was the point? What was the point of carrying on anymore? There was nothing left to live for. I lost everything.
My one true love, my beautiful baby boy, my best friend, my family… my life. What was the point of this all? I asked myself silently. “Nothing,” I muttered under my breath.
What was there for me to do now? Find another man? Another baby?
“Absolutely not!” I cried, unsure of who I was trying to convince. Myself? Johnathon? Robert?
“I gave you my heart, my darling,” I whispered, gazing to the heavens above. “I gave you both my heart,” I said, correcting myself. I didn’t want Robert to think I hadn’t loved him. I loved… still love him more than anything. When my boys… left me, they took my heart with them. I have nothing else to give anyone or anything.
Holding Robert’s blanket close to me, I whispered into it. “Please look after our baby Johnathon, Please.” I begged, the thought of not seeing either of them ever again lying heavy on my heart.
“My heart,” I scoffed out loud. My heart no longer belonged to my body. It had died along with my boys. I was empty, a shell wandering this earth, entirely lifeless.
“Is he with you now? Is he still in pain? Does he blame me?” I choked, asking in vein the questions I so desperately wanted answers to.
Please Lord, let Robert forgive me. I would never forgive myself for failing him
There is so much I want to say to them both. So many things I need to say. If only I could be with them again. I don’t want to be here anymore. I have nothing left to live for.
Looking up, I stopped dead in my tracks, staring in complete amazement at where I’d walked to. Not only where I had walked to, but at what moment I had decided to look up at where I was going.
“Why?” I asked out loud, slightly annoyed. “Why didn’t you let me just keep walking? I could be with you now.” I asked in vain.
Looking down I noticed the rocks beneath me, leading to the caramel-colored sand, the waves crashing against the bed of sand. I could just make out the shapes of people walking along the beach; I couldn’t take my eyes off of a family walking along the shore. It looked like there was a young boy with them and a large dog. The mother was walking along and, although I couldn’t be sure, she appeared to be smiling as she watched her husband and son run in and out of the gentle waves as the dog playfully chased them.
I meaningfully allowed myself to believe for a short while that it was my family playing on the beach. That it was Johnathon and Robert who were racing in and out of the waves. I would have called my dog Archie – though with a young child in the house I don’t think I would have chosen a breed quite as big as the one who was now clambering over some rocks.
I sat down, hanging my legs over the cliff’s edge as the family walked away from the beach. Cradling Robert’s blanket closer to me, I took in another deep breath, holding in his scent for as long as my lungs would allow, the tears spilling over and tumbling down my cheeks.
“Esme? Esme can you hear me?” Closing my eyes, I sat there listening to the voice inside my head that sounded so familiar.
“Esme, come with us. We need you,” said the voice again.
I knew that voice anywhere, my love was here. He was with me. I knew it must have all been a dream. I knew my Johnathon wouldn’t have left me. Opening my eyes I readjusted myself on the edge of the cliff and then I looked around, trying to find him. My vision blurred from the tears. I rubbed my eyes frantically, then searched again.
“Where are you?” I asked. Slightly annoyed at the game he was playing. “I want to hold you my love,” I whispered, silently cursing my eyes and their inability to see my love. “Damn it” I cursed loudly furiously rubbing my eyes. Where on earth was he?
“Esme, I’m right here,” he said again.
It sounded as if he was right next to me, so why couldn’t I see him. All I could see was the green grass covering the ground leading to the cliff’s edge. I could see the trees behind the cliffs, standing tall in the afternoon sun.
“I can’t see you,” I sobbed, my eyes flicking from side to side, still searching.
“I’m here my darling,” he said again.
“Johnathon, this isn’t funny,” I scolded. “Why can’t I see you?”
“I’m not in your world anymore my love. We are in a much better place Esme. We both are. But now it is time for you to join us,” he said softly, his voice almost purring. “It is beautiful here. It is a place filled with love and laughter.”
All I wanted was to see him again, to see them both again, and to make sure they were okay.
“Robert is fine now my love. We want you to be with us.”
I shook my head, this can’t be happening. I must be mad. I was talking to my dead lover’s spirit.
“Esme, we have come for you. It’s time for you to join us now.”
“How?” I whispered, oblivious to what he meant.
“You know how Esme. Come back to me. We need you. Robert needs you, he needs his mommy.”
“B-B-But,” I stammered. “I don’t know if I can.” Looking down at the rocks below me, it all suddenly fell into place. One simple step is all it would take.
“Jump!” The voice inside my head screamed at me.
“Jump?” I mumbled out loud, finally seeing a light at the end of this abyss that had engulfed me for the past ten months.
“Yes, Jump,” my darling said, the love in his voice exactly how I had remembered. Soon though, I would be with him again. Be with Robert again. It all seemed so simple. So right.
One. One tiny little step. Then I could spend eternity with my boys.
“Are you sure?” I asked the butterflies in my stomach awakening.
“Yes, please my love. Please come back to us.”
“I will,” I agreed. The cloud that had been hovering over my head started to lift as I spoke the words. “I just have one thing to do first.”
“Hurry” Johnathon plead with me.
I closed my eyes for only the briefest of moments, allowing my mind to absorb as much of Johnathon’s voice as it could before turning my attention back to you, my dear diary.
I am going to leave now. But I could not do so without saying goodbye. You may only be paper, but without you I do not know how I would have coped. I will carry you with me as I fall. In the hope someone will find it and understand my actions.
And thank you.