January 1, 2012
Gosh, it feels good to write that again.
I must admit, I am as surprised as you are that I am writing in you again. I can honestly say, without a shadow of a doubt, that I never thought I would write in you again after my last entry.
And yet, here I am.
Things have changed dramatically since I finished my last entry on the top of the cliff; during my intentions to join Jonathon and Robert. Let me tell you about it. I will do my best to explain everything although my memory of that time is, shall we say, vague.
I did indeed jump from the cliff. I don’t remember what I was thinking as I fell. Just that it felt as if I was flying. I remember closing my eyes, waiting for the impact, the blow. I still don’t remember feeling the fall, or any pain at all. All I can remember is waiting for Jonathon and Robert to come and collect me.
And the lights.
I can remember the lights clearly. Although I knew my eyes were closed, the darkness was disrupted by an extremely bright white light flickering.
I remember smelling this awful smell after a while. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but thinking about it now it smelled like……Death.
Hadn’t I passed over yet? Was I still stuck in this body? The body I had been so eager and ready to say goodbye to. The body I needed to say goodbye to.
Had I failed at another thing? Had I failed at joining my boys? They hadn’t come for me yet.
In the distance I could hear voices. Forcing myself to listen, they seemed to creep closer. I was only able to make out the odd word here and there.
I knew they were talking about me; I had jumped from the cliff. But they were wrong – I wasn’t gone. I wanted to go, oh Lord how much I want to go. I wanted to be with Robert and Jonathon. Please take me, I thought.
My thoughts were interrupted by a different voice; a smooth voice that I vaguely recognised.
“I’ll take it from here boys, I’m heading down there anyway,” said the familiar voice. His tone was filled with such love and compassion. Unlike any other man, his voice sounded somewhat like a purr. It wasn’t gruff or coarse. It was like velvet.
Running through as many memories as I could, I desperately tried to remember where I knew this voice from. Had I not felt like there was a great weight lying on top of me I would have jumped at what happened next.
“Esme? I know your still in there, if you can hear me then listen to my voice. I am going to help you. But your life will be different, different from anything you know. What I am about to do will hurt. It will hurt a lot, but I can’t let you die.”
There were so many different thought’s swishing through my head. How did this person know my name? Had I met them before? Had I had anything on me with my name on it?
I was certain I didn’t.
Where was Jonathon? And Robert? He had promised me that they would come for me.
“Please come for me,” I wished silently to Jonathon.
Can’t let me die? What was the familiar voice talking about? I wanted to die, I wanted to go and be with my boys. That was the whole reason for doing what I had done.
“Johnathon?” I screamed in my head, willing him to come and get me.
“Esme, we are here. It is time now Esme.” I couldn’t believe it. He was here; my Jonathon was here, just like he had promised.
A stinging bright light blinded me then; I held my hand up to my face to protect my eyes from it. Was this it? Was I about to join my boys? I could feel myself floating. Looking down I could see my body. I could see that I was – well, my body was – laying on a gurney.
I hadn’t completely left yet. There was still a force pulling me towards it. I was trying desperately to let go of it and join my boys. I could see a man – the voice – standing over my body. I couldn’t see his face, though. He was leaning over my body too much.
“Esme? We are here now,” I heard Jonathon say. I looked towards the light, away from my body. I could just make out the silhouette of someone walking towards me. Could it be?
Squinting hard, I looked closer, still shielding my eyes from the brightness of the light. I could see his dark hair, short on the back and sides, longer on top – just the way I remembered. The slight stubble that Jonathon possessed was still on his face. That perfect smile – the one I had missed so much – was smiling down at me, his eyes twinkling.
“Jonathon?” I whispered, all the emotions of the last year overpowering my body. “Jonathon, I’m so so so sorry, we should have stayed together that night. But I’m here now.” I smiled weakly at him and that’s when I noticed the bundle in his arms.
Jonathon held his hand out for me to take and my eyes widened as I looked in his arms. Was that really our baby? I couldn’t quite believe it. I tried desperately to get away from the pull my body still had over my spirit. I reached out to Jonathon, desperately trying to grab his hand.
But I couldn’t quite reach.
I could feel the warmth of Robert in my arms and Jonathon’s soft caress down my neck, my spine. It tingled with warmth and anticipation. I sighed, happier than I’d ever been before, their loving smiles welcoming me home.
“Jonathon? Please help me,” I begged, reaching up further.
“You have to let go, Esme. Let go of your body and embrace your future” – He paused, looking down at our baby in his arms – “Your future with us.”
I made one final reach to grab Jonathon’s hand, willing my body to let go of me. I managed to grip his fingertips. Oh the feeling of his hand in mine again. I could feel the pull letting go of its grip – even if it was ever-so-slightly.
I felt another tug; my body was pulling me back, and my hold on Jonathon’s fingers was slipping. I tried desperately to hold onto him but I was being pulled back with a force. I looked into Jonathon’s eyes, silently begging him. His eyes were full of sadness, then he turned and started walking back into the light.
“Jonathon! No! No!” I screamed, as I felt something cold on my neck. Jonathon and Robert were gone. They disappeared. And I was back in my body – the last place I wanted to be.
After that I don’t remember anything other than an indescribable, severe, burning pain coming from my neck, slowly moving its way through my body. It hurt more than anything I could imagine. I tried crying out in pain but I still couldn’t speak. I could feel my body thrashing around in pain, but I didn’t feel in control of myself. It was like I was locked in the backseat of a car, with someone else having complete control of everything that happened to me.
Then, I was in the air, being carried by The Voice.
“It’s all right Esme,” he whispered gently. “You’re going to be just fine.” There was wind hitting my face – we were traveling so very fast. Where was this voice taking my body? I tried to move but I still wasn’t in control of myself. Then the wind stopped and I was laying on something soft.
“Who is this?” a different male voice pressed. I didn’t know this voice at all. Who was it? What were they going to do to me?
“Carlisle, what have you done?” the second voice said hastily, yet it somehow still sounded melodic.
Wait. What did he say?
Surely he didn’t mean Dr. Cullen? It can’t be? Then came the pain again and I screamed out in agony.
How long it lasted I cannot remember. The scorching pain was like having hundreds of scalding hot branding irons pressed down onto my body, over and over again. I cannot describe just how it felt; just that it burnt so much I thought and hoped I would die.
Then something changed. The burning started to fizzle out from everywhere except my throat. The blistering heat continued to grow there. My heart started to beat quickly; too quickly. My breathing became fast and shallow. The faster my heart would beat the harder it was to breathe.
I thought this was the end I had prayed for. Was I to join my boys now? This thought made me smile inwardly to myself as I waited for total darkness to engulf me.
But instead, something strange happened. My heart stopped, yet I could still hear the unknown voice and Carlisle talking softly. “Esme?” Carlisle whispered. “Esme, it’s over now. You can open your eyes.”
Squeezing my eyes closed even further, I tried to push his voice out of my head. How could this be? How could I still hear his voice? My heart had stopped beating. His voice sounded different, like it was full of music, the notes flowing perfectly together, as if each note had been created solely for its neighbour.
“She’s awake now. I can hear her.” The unknown voice stated. This sent me into another bout of confusion. How could he hear me? I hadn’t spoken any words. Had I? My eyes sprang open at this revelation as I jumped up from the bed where I had been laying.
“What have you done to me?” I cried. “Where am I?” I asked, looking around at my surroundings. The plain white wall that covered the large room I was stood in housed nothing but a bed; the bed I had just been charring on. I could see each brush stroke, each grain of paint.
Then, from the shadows, a familiar face appeared. This face belonged to the man I had dreamt about for the last 10 years. This was the man that had fixed me when I fell from that tree, the same man that had rendered me speechless at first sight. I had been completely and utterly in lust with him. As I stared at the face that had been etched into my memory for the past decade, I gasped. He hadn’t changed at all in that time, and that quite frankly scared me a little. Slowly, gracefully, he took a graceful step toward me.
“Esme,” he whispered softly, “I have some explaining to do.”
I stared at him expectantly, searching for any sign that he had aged, but instead I found nothing. The burning in my throat intensified slightly, causing me to wince in pain and wrap my hands around my neck.
“Carlisle?” The unknown voice said, causing me to remember his presence in the room. “She’s in pain, maybe we should explain later.”
I hissed at the boy, who owned the unknown voice. He stood, statuesque, behind Carlisle. What did he know? Okay, so my throat did hurt. A lot.
He smirked at me. “I know a lot actually, Esme.”
He knew what I was thinking. He somehow invaded my thoughts. “Explain Now!” I growled at them both. I wanted to know the truth. I needed to know what had happened to me. Something was definitely wrong. I had never been so hostile before. I’d always prided myself on being calm and collected. I never had a bad word to say about anyone. And yet there I was, thinking awful thoughts about this other person.
“Please,” I added as an afterthought. I noticed the two men exchange an awkward glance. Then Carlisle turned to face me.
“Esme, the thing is,” Carlisle began, clearly searching for the appropriate words. I looked at him expectantly, staring into the eyes that had held me captive all those years ago. I could feel the anger melting away slightly. He looked nervous. I almost felt the need to embrace him. “When you, erm… jumped from the cliff they brought you straight to the morgue in the hospital where I work. They believed you to be deceased.” He paused to let me drink in the information. “You were not dead, though. I remembered you Esme, from that time in Columbus when you broke your leg. I just could not let you die.” He looked down while I stared at him.
“But I wanted to die. I wanted to be with my…” The word boys got caught in my throat. I closed my eyes, remembering them. But the memories were vague – my memory had failed me. One more thing I could add to my list of failures. I tried desperately to search my brain for those memories.
“Esme?” Carlisle whispered softly. I opened my eyes slowly, looking into his. “As you can see, we are… different. We survive off the blood of animals because we are” – he paused and flickered his unusual golden eyes around the room, then brought them back to me – “We are vampires.”
My eyes widened in shock. All that was running through my head now was that I had to get away from them. I searched the room, looking for an escape.
“Running would be the worst thing you could attempt, Esme,” the boy said, sending my mind reeling even further. “Carlisle,” he whispered, although I didn’t see his lips move. I just heard it. “Tell her.”
“Esme,” Carlisle spoke, firmly now. “In order to save you, I had to change you” – he took a deep breath – “into, one of us.”
Love Esme xx