Esme’s Diary (Chapter 26: My Story)

February 6, 2012

Dear Diary,

“Edward, this could take a while, maybe we should go for a walk?” I asked, silently hoping that he would agree so that Carlisle didn’t walk in and hear what I would be telling Edward.

“Of course Esme,” Edward smiled sympathetically, probably understanding through my thoughts how hard this was going to be for me. He’s obviously heard my thoughts from when I was at the hospital, and since I’ve been here.

Edward and I walked side-by-side silently out of the house, towards the mouth of the mammoth forest that surrounded the house. I knew that I was going to have to explain the whole story, and that this was going to be immensely embarrassing. What would Edward think of me once I told me my story? Would he tell Carlisle? What would Carlisle think? Would they still want me around? I couldn’t fathom the thought of being alone, again.

Recently my thoughts had been mostly about a life with Carlisle and Edward, and less about the life I had left behind. My memories of that life, the life before my transformation, was… distant.

Sensing my hesitation at the beginning of my story, and hearing the panic in my thoughts, Edward gently took hold of my hand. Not in a romantic way, nothing like that. It was in a reassuring way; to me it seemed like the way a son would hold his mother’s hand during a time of need.

Taking a deep breath I began my story, starting at the very beginning. Although it was probably unnecessary, I wanted to explain everything – in a desperate hope that it didn’t look as bad as it sounded.

“Some time ago I met Carlisle at a hospital, he treated me for a broken leg. I instantly felt an attraction to him but obviously knew that nothing would ever come of it. I never forgot Carlisle, I longed to marry a man like him, someone that had made me feel the way I had felt when I met him.” I felt so silly reliving my life like this but Edward needed to know. “I was the last of my friends to marry. I guess I waited too long. I couldn’t find anyone that had made me feel like that. I didn’t want to marry, I wanted to move to another town and become a teacher. My parents, however, felt that living like a spinster wasn’t the life they wanted for their daughter. They all but arranged my marriage.” I shuddered at the thought of Charles.

Edward reassuringly gave my hand a little squeeze so I continued. “I wasn’t really left with much of a choice. They had chosen a man named Charles Evenson; he seemed like a gentlemen, he had a good job and came from a good family. In order to please my parents I married Charles.” I took another deep breath. “He wasn’t the same person to the outside world that he was behind closed doors. Abuse was a common event in our household. Love never had any place in our relationship. I suffered in silence for months until, by pure luck, he was drafted to the war. It felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I didn’t have to worry about the next bout of abuse. I was free, albeit for a short period, but still. It felt good to have no one to answer to.” I stopped at a tree trunk, sitting down and leaning back against it. Edward followed my lead and sat down next to me.

“I met a man during this time. Jonathon.” I could hear my voice soften as I recalled the time I spent with Jonathon. “He was a very nice person. We used to meet at a tree, much like this one. He was kind, affectionate, loving – a true gentlemen. We quickly fell in love and spent as much time together as possible. We planned to run away together, to live as husband and wife. Whilst Charles was away, we secretly lived together. After eighteen months Charles returned, much to my horror. By this time Jonathon and I had revealed our romance to my mother and my best friend, Evie. They stood by us whole heartedly. My mother came up with a plan for us to get Charles to leave us alone. It worked, although we made him look like a fool.”

I silently remembered what we had done to Charles, the dinner, his cousin, his…. sexual desire. Edward stifled a laugh but didn’t interrupt. “He lost everything, his wife, his job, the respect from his peers, his parents disowned him. Jonathon’s parents weren’t thrilled about our relationship. Well, his mother wasn’t. His father was a very pleasent man and was thrilled to see how happy we were. By this point I was pregnant. We knew that Charles would never let me go, so we were going to go through with our plan to runaway. We had everything planned out. We were going to stay with a relative of mine until we could get a house of our own. The night before we left there was a fire.” I choked, all this time the memories had been so vague, but now they were flooding back to me as though someone had opened a flood gate. “I… I…. I got out.”

I couldn’t continue so I played everything that happened that night in my mind for Edward to see: The fire, the ring, the explosion, seeing Charles hide. I was so upset by everything that happened that I continued to show it all to Edward via my thoughts, unsure if my voice would hold if I continued to speak it. I showed him the parts he needed to know, my dispair at losing Jonathon, at leaving my friends and family in the middle of the night to protect our unborn child, my worry at my son’s illness, my utter heartbreak at his death.

My voice managed to break through again. “After my sons funeral I couldn’t cope, I couldn’t imagine a life without them, I left the church and walked through the woods. I ended up at the cliffs, and well, you know the rest.”

I sighed a deep sigh of relief. It felt good to finally tell someone how I had been feeling and what I had gone through.

I’d almost forgotten Edward was next to me, but the tightening of his grip on my hand reminded me. I was worried to look at him, what did he think of me now? I was sure he was angry at me.

“No!!” he barked at me, turning to face me as quick as lightening, “you have done nothing wrong Esme. Nothing! Don’t you ever let anybody else tell you otherwise. It was that…. that vermin that calls himself a man who was in the wrong.”

I couldn’t believe it; all this time I thought I had been in the wrong, that the reason all this happened was because of my affair with Jonathon, and yet here was Edward telling me that I wasn’t wrong at all. I smiled weakly at Edward, who was looking thoughtful, as if he were planning something.

“Yes, I am planning something Esme,” he smiled, quite evilly, that for just one second I was scared. “I will need your co-operation.”

“For what?” I asked nervously.

“Our payback. That rodent will receive his comeuppance once and for all. He will not hurt you again, or anyone else for that matter.”

I didn’t know what Edward had planned but there was one thing I knew for sure, we wouldn’t hurt him. I would not betray who I was and lower myself to his way of thinking. No, I would have my revenge, my way.

There are advantages in being a vampire after all…

Love Esme x

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