Carlisle’s Diary ~ Looking Back (First Entry)

April 22, 2013

Dear Diary: 

I think this whole diary writing thing is becoming contagious.  The whole family plus the wolves are keeping track of their daily lives. I never thought my life was that interesting really. Well if you disregard all the constant drama. I have kept medical diaries of possible cures and breakthroughs but something about myself? Hmmm….well I guess I’ll just have to try and see and hope that I don’t bore you to death. I am sitting in my study writing this and just thinking back to when I had first transformed my beautiful wife Esme into an immortal. So much was going on at that time. Not to mention that despite being a relatively smart man, it took forever to figure out what I was actually feeling for Esme. I guess love or the definition of it cannot be found in medical books.    

Just thinking about her, makes my heart sing and me smile. I’m glad Edward and Bella are at their cottage, because I doubt he would have wanted to hear all that’s going on in my brain. Sometimes all the love makes him feel a little woozy. I’m so happy he’s found Bella. So I’m going to start this new diary by telling you about what it felt like those first days, weeks, and months after Esme became one of us; a vampire.

November 5, 1921

As I waited for Esme and Edward to get back from their errand, I was glad they were getting along so well. Though I had no idea where they had gone, I somehow sensed that Edward needed a maternal influence and Esme was the perfect woman to give him just that. I stood in my study and looked out the window. Quickly enough I was lost in thought.  I thought back to when I first encountered Esme as a little girl when she had fallen from that tree and broken her leg. Something about her kind, soft eyes made some part of my soul flutter. Vampires aren’t supposed to have souls or so the myths and legends say. I disagree. I truly believe that even when our hearts stop beating upon total transformation, we keep our souls if we so choose.

She was but a young girl and yet I knew that I would never be the same after seeing her just that one time. I knew she would grow into a lovely and loving woman. I also knew that any man that would become her husband would be extremely lucky to have her. Never in my wildest nightmares did I envision her with the brute she ended up with and who ultimately cost her her true love and her precious child. Even her very life, I shuddered at the thought of the memory of it all. That’s the other thing sometimes I wish vampires didn’t have. Unlike humans, our memories post transformation never disappears. We go for decades, centuries, and even millennia remembering every little thing.

I decided to not dwell on the evil and thought more of what it felt like seeing Esme again in the morgue and deciding to turn her. I was selfish, I admit. When I saw her so close to giving up and dying…….I couldn’t bare it. Those young soft, kind eyes were in my head. I felt something inside me turn over. My soul, my dead heart, seemed to take off like a million galloping horses. No! I couldn’t let her die! I remember thinking the word “Mine”. But how? What did it mean? She wasn’t mine! She was someone else’s. But she was there all alone. She jumped off a cliff! A cliff!! Why would my Esme jump off a cliff?

There I went again with the word “mine”. I had a decision to make. I had to save her and there was only one way. She had to become one of us. I would turn her but not there…..not at the morgue. I wanted her as comfortable as possible for what she was about to endure. So I grabbed her body in my arms and whisked her away to our house. Edward was surprised that I had brought her but not much as he had already heard my thoughts. He looked at me knowingly…..a little too knowingly it seemed, then smiled a bit, nodded and walked away.

Turning Esme was hard. Just watching the change and knowing she was scorching inside was almost too much for me to bear. I hoped against hope that she didn’t feel much of it, considering the state she was in. But one never knew. 3 days later, she opened her eyes and I had to say…..that turning over feeling inside of me repeated. When she looked at me, all of my words left me….all thoughts. I couldn’t speak for a few seconds as I watched her take everything in. It was as if the world had changed for me. And I guess it had. I finally figured out what I was feeling…..some smart guy I am….even from the very beginning when I first met her as a young girl.

I loved her.
I loved Esme.
I was totally and completely in love with her.

          Now what? What if she didn’t feel the same? Of course not right away. First she had to get adjusted to this life of ours. But would she? What if she hated me? I couldn’t bear the thought. A sudden panic seized me inside. But I couldn’t let her see it. I didn’t want to scare her anymore then she already was.

          Coming back to the present, I shook my head and smiled. I remember how I felt at that moment. I sort of felt like a scared, human teenager about to tell his school crush that he liked her. I never thought for one instant that any one, human or vampire would ever make me feel so unsteady and uncertain. I mean I was the intelligent one with centuries of experience and yet here was this newborn making me feel weak in the knees just by looking at her. Every sound she made, every twitch of her face, every word she spoke just made me want to stare at her and hold her. And when she laughed…….well that was the most beautiful sound in the world. Nothing could compare to that. Not the most divine music or sound of nature. Esme was an extraordinary and magnificent being. And I hoped that someday she would reciprocate my feelings.

          Ice skating with her was heavenly. Holding her body close to mine was the best feeling in the world. I loved how she would almost blush if she could when I would say something to her or stare at her just a little longingly. When she had to stop in the woods on the way back, I was petrified I had done or said something to scare her. Then when she said she had to say goodbye to someone, I knew what she meant and let her have her peace. However, being absolutely selfish and yet wishing her no harm, I watched her from a distance and listened to her words. They broke my heart all over again. I truly wish for her happiness. I will do everything in my power to make her happy……even if she chooses to leave me. I can’t even bear the thought at this point though.

          Their approaching footsteps broke me out of that last unpleasant thought as I watched them run through the last bit of forest and come toward the house. Something was off. Edward was the picture of composure though still looking fierce. And Esme was looking triumphant and had a very odd look of a mixture of danger, sadness, and finality on her face.

          I was downstairs a second later and waiting for them as they came through the front door. They looked at each for a second then back at me. Edward opened his mouth to say something but Esme put her hand on his arm to stop him and stepped forward to look into my eyes. She then spoke very softly as she recounted every detail of what happened. My eyes grew wide as she spoke and her voice got faster and faster as if she was spitting out the last of the sordid and dirty details quickly so they would leave her body and soul forever. After she was done, she looked down ready for whatever consequences were to come.

          I thought only for a fraction of a minute and then lifted her chin with my hand so our eyes could meet. I told her that she did what she had to do and it was very understandable. I also told her I was glad Edward went with her and that she didn’t face this alone. I told her that if I went with her I probably would have done that to him myself if not worse so it was a good thing she went with Edward. I laughed a sad and angry laugh when I saw the look of shock on both of their faces. I didn’t have to be a mind reader to know what Edward was thinking;

“how would someone like Carlisle ever lose control and kill anyone?”

          Well I never have but when it comes to Esme and exacting revenge on that scumbag who hurt her……believe me, I’d do it without thinking twice. Justice is too good for someone like that. I think Edward understood that too as he nodded slowly when our eyes met. He then muttered something about needing to hunt again and ran back out before we could say anything but not before smiling at me with his crooked grin and giving me a wink and tilting his head toward Esme. I smiled back.

          I then looked back Esme who was looking slightly dazed and a little bit confused, took a very deep and unnecessary breath before asking with as much confidence as I didn’t feel:

“Esme, will you do me the honor of going out with me?”

~Carlisle Cullen

Thank you everyone for supporting this new diary! Please let me know what you think of the entries via the link below! ~xoxo Olga

Please follow Carlisle’s Facebook page HERE!

Be my Friend


Hi my name is Olga, I live in the USA, and I'm the writer of Carlisle's Diary. I also published a poetry book called "Out of the Abyss" which you can buy in paperback and/or kindle by clicking 'HERE'. I have a ton of hobbies like scuba diving, singing, dancing, and writing poetry to name a precious few. I also speak Russian as I was born in the USSR/Belarus.

I'm very honored to be a writer for this amazing and exceptional character and be part of the Bella's Diary family. Furthermore, I am very thrilled to get to know all of my fans. I look forward to speaking to each one of you. xoxo
Be my Friend