Carlisle’s Diary ~ Soul Searching and Finding (Esme’s POV)

July 16, 2013

Dear Diary:

          I am sitting on a log in Alaska right now, breathing the fresh air and enjoying the absolutely gorgeous view. My trip here took me through breathtaking places, emotional rides, and some serious soul searching. I know that Carlisle and the family have already figured out that I left and Rogue had her instructions on what to tell them. I have so much to tell you about my trip and I do have photos below that explain in more visual detail everything I saw; well everything we saw since Rogue shadowed me for about 98% of the time. Amy took the other 2%.

          When Carlisle left for work that day at 6 a.m., everything was already ready for my departure. My thoughts were masked; not like anyone in the family would really even notice me gone at that hour, or at any hour for that matter. The Watchers would also vanish to make sure that they couldn’t be found until the needed time. So as soon as I kissed Carlisle goodbye and saw him leave in his car for the hospital, I slowly closed the door. I walked back upstairs to our master bedroom and its closet. I put on my favorite soft sweater, skinny jeans, most comfortable boots to run in, and a suede jacket. I brushed my hair, applied a bit of lip gloss. I looked presentable and ready for my cross country journey.

          I made sure to leave all of my stuff including cellphone, keys, purse, and everything in it on the table by the door where they can easily find them when the search began. To tell you the truth, I didn’t think anyone would notice my absence until it was time to head to bed, so to speak. I gave them 24 hours to figure out something was wrong or off. When I was entering Alaska and stopped to look at a polar bear and Rogue told me that Amy had come to replace her, as she had to go back to our house because, as she said it: “The shit was about to hit the fan,” I was surprised that only 13 hours passed since I left for them to notice something.

          But that part of the story you already know. This is my story; the story of my soul searching & finding experience. The expedition into who am I really?

As I left New Hampshire and headed west, I ran through what seemed like hundreds of miles of forest. All kinds of forests too: some were still dark from the night, others were starting to see dawn and then there were the waterfalls. I even jumped over one with a rainbow. I actually jumped through the rainbow; the joy was indescribable! I can’t explain to you what that felt like. For a brief moment I felt like a Watcher; I felt like I were flying.

          Then there was the incident with the hay bales; I still giggle at the thought. That actually happened before the rainbow-jumping. I was running through open fields in Kansas and those large things were just lying there. So I thought, Wouldn’t it be fun to kick one across the field? So I did. Then another one came along and I whirled around and did a cool karate kick and chucked that one . . . except I failed to notice that Rogue—who was always flying above and a little behind me, though totally invisible—had become slightly visible and I, by total accident, chucked the second one at her. It totally missed her head by about five inches. She dodged out of the way and shook her head at me.

“You know, I’d like to keep my head attached to my shoulders. That would be highly preferable,” she said, shaking her head. I looked horrified and then I just couldn’t stop laughing and I actually fell down and kept laughing. She laughed with me.

          When my fit of giggles had passed—and it took a while!—I got back up and, after getting my bearings, continued on my way. My next obstacle was the Mississippi River. I was trying to figure out whether I wanted to swim it or jump over it. So I decided to swim it, because cold or hot didn’t do anything to me, and by the time I started running again, with how fast I could run, my clothes would dry in no time. So I dove right in. As I swam, at a speed slightly faster than that of a human, I started to figure out what was missing in my life.


The stopping to smell the roses type of thing. To kick a hay bale. To swim a river. To laugh at doing something stupid. I was always expected to do the mature thing. I was always taking care of someone or something, making something for someone—always on the go.


As I neared the other side, I looked up at where Rogue was. She was once again invisible but I could feel her and I felt her acknowledge my epiphany. After the exhilarating swim, I decided I wanted to run through Colorado and check out their rock formations; I had seen Jasper reading about them one day in a book and thought that would be so neat to see. It was on my way there that I ran into the nomad from south of the border. And I literally mean ran into. . . . If I hadn’t feigned to the left at the last possible moment, we would have collided head-on. We both stopped and looked at each other in surprise; I had hopped onto a rock at that point and he was on a log.

He was the first to speak. “Um, hola señora. I terrible sorry; I nearly ran into you. I should watch where I going. I not from America.”

He had a heavy hispanic accent and was very tanned. I couldn’t tell if he was Mexican or from even more south. His English wasn’t all that great, either, but I understood him. His eyes were red and his clothes were those of a typical nomadic vampire: worn out but durable. He was looking at me just as I was studying him.

“It is all right. It is my fault as much as yours; I too have to watch where I’m going. I just didn’t think there would be anyone else of our kind in these parts,” I said with a light smile.

“Ah, si. I understand. You know America good?” he asked curiously.

“I think I do. I’ve lived here all my life,” I told him.

“Oh. Good, good. Maybe you help me? I want go to Canada and I lost map and don’t know how go now.” He looked confused as he pointed in every direction.

“Oh, you’re lost! I’m sorry to hear that. Well, all you really have to do is go that way straight and not turn anywhere. We are in the state of Colorado, so if you keep going north, you will cross the border soon enough. Do you have someone in Canada who can help you?” I pointed him to where north was as he nodded and listened to what I was saying.

“I have an amigo but don’t know where he at. He said when I come to Canada he find me.”

“Just keep going north, and you’ll be in Canada in no time.” I smiled again getting ready to depart now that I’d given him everything he needed to know.

“Maybe señora come with me to Canada? You look alone. . . . I is good friend to you,” he managed to say with an inviting smile. I could literally feel Rogue’s growing anxiety even though she was totally invisible.

“Oh, that’s a very kind offer but I’m married.” I showed him my ring right then, to his very obvious disappointment. “And I’m on my way to Alaska to see my cousins. I think you will have no more trouble with getting to Canada. Good luck with your travels.” With a smile and a wave I sprinted away west toward my next destination.

          He looked after me with a mixture of regret and something I’d rather not even think about, and then shook his head and headed north. I made sure to zigzag a bit just in case he decided to follow, but Rogue became corporeal again just to say, “Don’t worry. He is on his way north,” before doing her invisible thing again. I shook my head and laughed; never a dull moment. I then decided to travel to Arizona because I’ve never seen a cactus before. I saw one that had pretty pink flowers on it; did you know cacti grew flowers? I didn’t. I just thought they were prickly.

I heard a weird rattling sound. It was a rattle snake and it was near my foot. So I picked it up and looked at it as it tried to bite me. Yeah okay. I kind of swung it around by its tail, then by its head, pitching it quite far. Pretty sure it wasn’t going to die; just perhaps develop a really bad case of vertigo. After that I skipped by different cacti and other awesome plants. I saw three massive scorpions battling over some kind of bug. I watched that show for a while and then decided that I’d seen everything Arizona had to offer and continued on my merry way.

          Now it was time to run up the coast. I decided to head into California and go visit the famous Redwood forest park with those massive trees that look like they reach into outer space. I must have spent a good three hours just wondering around the park, I’m surprised my head didn’t fall off from straining my neck just to see the top. I took the time to also hunt and the mountain lions in the area tasted different than the ones in New Hampshire, but variety is always a plus. Suddenly I decided that I wanted to run up one of those redwoods and I did. Talk about being on top of the world! I felt like I was higher than a mountain. And I could actually see a mountain in the distance that was spewing smoke. I knew that was my next destination. I jumped from redwood to redwood, almost falling once but enjoyed the freeing ability of it all.

          Anyone want to take a guess what mountain I saw in the distance that was spewing smoke that I was running to next? Mt. St. Helens! For those that don’t know what that is, Mt. St. Helens is a volcano in Washington State and it blew its top in 1980 to such an extreme that it decimated everything within miles and the ash cloud flowed all around the world. It was spectacular to see then and it’ll be even cooler to go inside the volcano now. Yes you heard me right, inside the volcano. It’s no longer spewing magma or lava so it’s, for the most part, safe for us vampires to take a look in. Fire is our enemy, but who hasn’t delighted in a little danger now and again.

         I ran to the volcano and hopped around inside; sulfur isn’t a very pleasant smell so I didn’t stick around there very long, but as I hopped back over the edge and away from the mountain I realized something else about myself that made me cackle with glee: I’m Esme the daredevil! Why, Carlisle would have had a heart attack if he knew I went into an active volcano that was semi-dormant. Wow. I actually did that! How exhilarating, and just down right groovy. And I don’t care if that word is no longer used.

Time to head to Alaska.

          As I entered the state of Alaska, I ran closer to the water and saw a bunch of polar bears. I wanted to go swimming with them but there was a hurricane brewing so I decided against it. But I did see one polar bear jump from one iceberg to another, which was lovely. He had a lot of balance for so much girth. I knew I was nearing the Denali household and that’s when Rogue became corporeal and stopped me. She told me Amy was there to replace her as I finished my journey. My family was in full panic mode so she had to go. I told her what to give them and which song to play for them. She nodded, floated down long enough to hug me, then took off into the air, flying away. Amy, meanwhile, became corporeal long enough to give me a hug and smile. She disappeared as I continued on my final miles to my destination.

          Just as I was arriving at the Denali’s—their house, by the way, sits by a big lake that overlooks the mountains—a huge bald eagle flew from a tree over the lake and over my head as I stopped and watched it in wonder. What a magnificent creature. Amy had flown ahead and had already told the Denali’s what was happening. By the time I arrived at the front door, they welcomed me with open arms. We sat in their living room while Amy said her farewells and returned home, and I spoke about my journey, what had made me do it in the first place, and what I saw and did while on it. I told them the whole Ferguson story, which made quite a few people’s eyes bug out, to say the least. There were even a few gasps from the females regarding the whole volcano thing, but I could see Garrett, Eleazer, and Marcus appreciated how brave I was. They hadn’t expected me to do half of the stuff I did.

          So here I am. Writing to you while I sit on a log. It’s 24 hours later, and they told me their home is open to me for as long as I need it. They understood that my family had acted selfishly and that they all needed to figure out exactly how they needed me aside from the, ‘Give me/get me/do this for me/take me/bring me/make me stuff’ things.

I’m sad that I have upset Carlisle, but it really was the only way. And even he took me for granted many a time. So now it’s Esme time. And this trip has already taught me so much about myself. I feel exhilarated, happy, and my eyes have been opened to some amazing facets of myself.

          I am more than a mother, wife, partner, chef, and chauffeur. I am first and foremost a woman. I am a forest-running, hay-bale-kicking, giggling, rainbow/waterfall-jumping, river-swimming, nomad-dealing, rattlesnake-throwing, scorpion-watching, tall-tree-climbing, volcano-hopping daredevil and adventurer!

In other words, my name is Esme Cullen, and I’m a kick-ass vampire. And I deserve/demand respect.

Sincerely yours,


~Carlisle Cullen

Please let me know what you think! LIKE Carlisle’s Diary on Facebook by clicking HERE

Be my Friend


Hi my name is Olga, I live in the USA, and I'm the writer of Carlisle's Diary. I also published a poetry book called "Out of the Abyss" which you can buy in paperback and/or kindle by clicking 'HERE'. I have a ton of hobbies like scuba diving, singing, dancing, and writing poetry to name a precious few. I also speak Russian as I was born in the USSR/Belarus.

I'm very honored to be a writer for this amazing and exceptional character and be part of the Bella's Diary family. Furthermore, I am very thrilled to get to know all of my fans. I look forward to speaking to each one of you. xoxo
Be my Friend