Carlisle’s Diary ~ What If? (Bella’s POV)

October 8, 2013

***Congratulations Autumn Vess again on winning the plot contest. This entry is based on your winning idea. It was tweaked so it wouldn’t look like Edward’s Diary. I hope you and everyone else likes it. ~xoxo Olga***

Dear Diary:

            It’s been a few weeks since the funeral and I can’t bear to even look at the things of my mother’s that are now in the Cullen attic. I just avoided that area altogether and just got lost in my school work. My second year at Dartmouth had started recently and there was a ton to do. Edward, Rosalie, and Emmett were in school with me so I wasn’t alone but it was still kind of strange to have the looks and whispers, even after the first year.  Most now paid us no mind as the campus was massive and it was very easy to get lost on it without running into too many people more than once unless you had multiple classes together.

            One morning, it was particularly gloomy and Nessie was late for school so Edward and I decided to drop her off on our way to do errands before our own classes that evening. The new Hanover High School was very close to the Hanover Elementary school so when it was morning or afternoon rush hour, it seemed like a mass exodus from two schools which finished relatively close in time. Because Nessie was running late, there was barely a soul in sight. Jacob, Leah, Seth, and Michelle were already in class and though had asked to wait for Nessie, were told to go on ahead as it would look suspicious if 5 people were late for the same class.

            So after dropping Nessie off and seeing her jog into the new building which I might add looks a lot nicer and more modern then the old one. That one was totally razed and a beautiful memorial is in the works of being constructed in its place to commemorate that horrific day. I shuddered at the thought and Edward, who was behind the wheel raised an eyebrow at me. I let him into my mind to show him what I was thinking and he nodded once. So we ran our errands and then toward the end of the day, got a phone call from Jake.

“Hey Jake what’s up?”
“Nessie didn’t want to come home with us.”
“What do you mean she didn’t want to come home with you?”
“She wouldn’t explain but she wanted all of us to leave and that she would wait for you to pick her up. The others left but I kind of hid so she wouldn’t see me.”
“What is she doing?” I asked as Edward continued to look on with a puzzled expression as he listened to both sides of the conversation.
“She’s standing very close to the playground of the elementary school watching the kids play, just smiling.”
“I see. Ok well, go home Jake, we’re only 3 minutes away, we’ll pick her up. Thanks for letting me know.”
“No problem, Bells.”

            With that, we hung up and I knew he was going to phase and run himself home. Meanwhile, we pulled up to the school and saw Nessie just as Jake had described her; standing by the playground smiling at the playing children. Edward stayed in the car, while I got out and walked slowly up to my daughter. As I approached she must have heard me but didn’t turn around.

“Hi mommy.”
“How did you know it was me?” I asked curiously.
“You’re wearing that perfume daddy and I got you for Valentine’s Day.” She said with a smile.  
“Jake said you weren’t going home with the others. Why not?”
“I just wanted to watch them play and think.”
“Think about what honey?”
“Why can’t I have a little brother or sister?” She looked at me then with curious eyes.

            I was stunned into silence. Out of all of the things she could have asked me, this was not one I ever imagined would leave her mouth. I knew by looking back at Edward in the car, who had read her mind; his eyes were pretty wide as well. I knew that was something that we both had to answer as well as enlist Carlisle’s help, who knew more about this than anyone else. So I put an arm around her shoulder and we walked together back to the car. Once we got in, we all agreed to talk about it when we got home.

            Alice having foreseen everything already had asked Carlisle to prepare himself for this. The 4 of us met in his study. Carlisle motioned Nessie over to him and she sat on his knee as the Edward and I sat on the chairs facing him. Carlisle, took a deep breath and smiled before he started speaking.

“Nessie, I know you would like a little brother or sister but it is impossible for vampires to have children.”
“But mommy had me, didn’t she?” Nessie asked innocently.
“True, but your mom gave birth to you while she was still human and we had to turn her into a vampire just to save her life.” Carlisle said gently.
“I know the story, but why can’t vampires have children?”
“I’m going to try to explain this in a way you can understand. It’s because when we become vampires; during that process our venom which is like liquid fire, burns through every nook and cranny of a human beings body which includes the reproductive organs. So even though your father has the necessary……shall we say……equipment…….for his half of the process, your mother’s reproductive organs are no longer functioning to produce the eggs necessary to form life. Do you understand?” Nessie nodded thoughtfully.
“I’m sorry honey; I know how much you wish to be a big sister. But look at the bright side, at least you have Sparkles.” I reminded my daughter of her white as snow puppy who was currently being taken for a walk by Leah and Keith.

            I knew I had cheered up my daughter a bit though she still looked slightly confused, but I couldn’t help but feel an ache in my heart and Edward did too. The thought of not providing siblings for my child was painful. Had I been human; had we been human, that wouldn’t have been a problem. The look on Edward’s face reminded me of when I was still human and he had qualms about turning me. He was searching my eyes for regret of being turned, of becoming this; a cold granite body unable to create another living being like Nessie. I shook my head ‘no’ at him and let him into my mind just as we heard a knock on the home office door.  That got everyone’s attention.

“Come in.” Carlisle said as the door opened and in walked Rogue. Why was I not surprised to see our Watcher leader here?  She looked at all of us thoughtfully before her eyes landed on Nessie. She smiled gently and said:

“Sorry to be nosy but I overheard this whole dilemma in my head as I was going about my day and had an interesting idea, if you allow me to show you that is.” She said cryptically. She was famous for the cryptic talk.
“Of course, Rogue. What did you have in mind?” Carlisle asked curiously.
“Well, Nessie wants a younger sibling and I wanted to show her and you what the world of ‘What if’ looked like.”

When we all raised our eyebrows in confusion, she giggled and explained:

“I am going to show you your ‘What if’ world. What if Bella never became a vampire and still was able to give birth to Nessie and live to tell the tale so to speak.”

            Before we could even utter a word, she moved her left arm in a circular motion and there before our eyes a white light appeared that soon turned into a portal or TV screen if you will. It looked just like the one Amy created when we had that problem with Carrie trespassing on our property and being caught by Rogue. In this screen we saw, me giving birth to Nessie just as it had happened except that I had lived! I didn’t need blood, Nessie was able to digest the milk that my body produced and she was fed properly.

            I could see Edward frowning out of the corner of my eyes. Then the screen showed us Nessie now, and me being in my late 20s. I was pregnant again and soon had another hybrid child and once again I survived. As time progressed in this ‘What if’ world, I saw something before any of the others did as they were primarily focused on the fact that Edward and I had already 4 children including Nessie; all of whom were healthy hybrids. What I saw was that I was aging.

            Finally, the last image showed my family all happy and grown with 2 girls and 2 boys and Edward looking young as ever but then it panned in on the lone figure sitting in a rocking chair on the porch. When the image got closer we all gasped as we realized that it was me! I looked like I was at least in my 60s or 70s! That’s when Rogue closed the portal and said:

“You see Nessie, the price that you would have to pay in the ‘What if’ world, is that your mother wouldn’t have the luxury to be with you forever. She would be human and would eventually die. Something I know your father would not be able to handle regardless how many beautiful children he may have.”

            Edward shuttered at the thought and as the realization hit him at what Rogue was getting at and it hit us all. She was right. We really did have a choice and we chose to all be together forever. Nessie was looking from Rogue to me with wide eyes.

“So if mommy remained human, I would have had brothers and a sister but I would have ultimately lost my mother. And in this life which we are currently living in, I can’t have siblings but I can keep my mommy…….and that’s more important to me than any sibling. I couldn’t live without my mommy being with me forever.” Nessie said and got off of Carlisle’s knee which is where she was perched this whole time and walked over and gave me a hug. I looked at Rogue and we exchanged a smile. Then Nessie’s face broke into a wide smile as she clapped her hands.

“And mommy was right, I do have Sparkles!” She said as we all laughed. That let all of the tension out of the room instantly.

            At that point we all thanked Rogue for her brilliant insight, with a smile and a wink she departed. We then left Carlisle to his journals as Nessie ran outside to find Jake and her dog just as Leah and Keith had returned from walking him. Edward and I meanwhile, just walked hand in hand back to our cottage thinking about the ‘What if’ world we were shown today and how lucky we were that our own world wasn’t a what if……but a definite.

Xoxo Bella

~Carlisle Cullen

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Hi my name is Olga, I live in the USA, and I'm the writer of Carlisle's Diary. I also published a poetry book called "Out of the Abyss" which you can buy in paperback and/or kindle by clicking 'HERE'. I have a ton of hobbies like scuba diving, singing, dancing, and writing poetry to name a precious few. I also speak Russian as I was born in the USSR/Belarus.

I'm very honored to be a writer for this amazing and exceptional character and be part of the Bella's Diary family. Furthermore, I am very thrilled to get to know all of my fans. I look forward to speaking to each one of you. xoxo
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