“Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars—points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.”
New Moon Chapter 23, Page 514
Edward and I had a long talk last night. We do that a lot now. As I told you yesterday, Jacob had asked me some scary questions that made me think of things that I wasn’t quite ready to think about.
Last night after Nessie was asleep, I had asked Edward those same questions. “What would you do if I was ever destroyed?” and “What about Nessie?”
Edward has had to endure watching those he cared about destroyed in the past, but this is far more different.
As much as he also didn’t like the questions, he gave me my answers. Edward told me he loves Nessie and me more than anything he has ever loved, or will ever love. He also explained that he feels extremely grateful for Jacob. Jacob is always around, helping out with Nessie, spending time with her, watching her grow. Because Jacob has imprinted on Renesmee, he will protect her with everything he has in him, forever.
Edward summed up his response quite thoughtfully with a few sentences.
“Bella, I wouldn’t be alive if you were no longer with me. My pain would be unbearable. Renesmee would see that and it would cause her a great deal of pain as well. I never want to have to choose between my love and my child, and I am going to do everything in my power to make sure I never have to. Everything. I would, however, have to leave with you and trust that Nessie is in good hands with Jacob. I couldn’t be without you. I can’t exist without my Bella.”
Edward kissed me after, and I could feel how powerful each and every one of his words were. I understood, too. We sat in silence for a few moments thinking. Though this was a hard topic to speak of, it was pretty much the human–version of preparing a will. Not pleasant, but it has to be done.
I will never cause Edward’s life to become a moonless night. I will never lead my family in the path of destruction. I love them too much. At times, being a newborn vampire can be difficult. I’m so incredibly thankful that I have a gift with controlling my thirst. It still scares me though, to not know what I am fully capable of. I do believe, however, that as long as I keep my family in mind that it’s all I’ll ever need to fully control my thirst.
Love is the most powerful drug. As long as I have my shield, I will stretch it over my family, and keep them out of harms way. I’m no longer the klutzy, weak human I once complained of being. And, I’m no longer the weak human that had caused the Cullens to have to fight. First with James, then Victoria and her newborns, and lastly, the Volturi.
I still worry about our life in Forks. I am perpetually afraid of people becoming suspicious of my new appearance, or discovering Nessie. Until Nessie reaches full growth, we can’t let her be seen around much. She grows too fast. People would know that something was… different.
I’m happy though. Edward and I get to spend as much time together as we like. He doesn’t have to be gentle with me anymore, which is great for a lot of things. Lets just say, Nessie sleeps at Carlisle and Esme’s house some nights, so she doesn’t get woken up. She happens to be sleeping there now. She got sleepy tonight while we were visiting the family. She was watching the baseball game with Emmett, and fell asleep. I don’t blame her. Edward and I figured we could let her sleep there tonight and have our own “special” little night together.
Edward is waiting for me, and I’m craving that beautiful stare from his golden eyes, the taste of his smooth lips and the feel of my fingers through his bronze hair. So, until tomorrow… goodnight!
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“As much as I struggled not to think of him, I did not struggle to forget. I worried—late in the night, when the exhaustion of sleep deprivation broke down my defenses—that it was all slipping away. That my mind was a sieve, and I would someday not be able to remember the precise color of his eyes, the feel of his cool skin, or the texture of his voice. I could not think of them, but I must remember them. Because there was just one thing that I had to believe to be able to live—I had to know that he existed. That was all. Everything else I could endure. So long as he existed.”
-Bella Swan: Chapter 4, Page 116 (New Moon)
There was a point in time when I thought I had lost Edward forever. Though my heart no longer beats, I somehow still feel it tighten and almost shatter every time I think of a life without him.
Jacob ended up coming along on our hunting trip, and while Edward, Emmett and Rosalie were hunting, he asked me a question that caught me off guard. His question? “Bella, how would you deal with it if Edward were ever. . . destroyed?”
Jacob has a way with asking questions to things that I could never think of on my own. He makes me think of everything as a possibility. But this question was like no other.
When Edward had left me in the forest – because he felt he and his family were a danger to me – he took my life with him. He took my heart, he took everything except my body. That’s all he left, actually. A lifeless body. That’s all I became without him.
If Edward were destroyed, that would mean I would have to go on forever without him. It’s not the same as before. I am an immortal now. Unless I were also destroyed, I would have to face the world for eternity without my life, my world, my love.
Suddenly Victoria’s face clouded my mind. She lost her love, James, and had to exist thinking she would have to go on for eternity without him. I don’t pity Victoria, or James. I do, however, understand the excruciating pain that she would have had to endure forever if she hadn’t been destroyed. I think Edward did Victoria a favor when he destroyed her. He took away her eternal pain, emptiness.
I would have to be destroyed. I know I could not go on without Edward, especially now that I am an immortal. In fact, I might have second guessed my decision to be turned if I had thought about that when I was still a human. If I had thought of the fact that there is a possibility my love could be destroyed one day, and I would have to carry on without him. Losing Edward when I was human was more bearable than this thought. If I were human and he was destroyed, at least I wouldn’t have to exist forever without him.
Jacob wasn’t overly shocked when I told him I would be destroyed. A little upset, I could tell, but not shocked. Then, he asked an even tougher question. Again, reminding me of possibilities that had not even occurred to me. “What about Nessie?”
That’s right. My little Nudger. If I were destroyed, she wouldn’t have a mother, and I would never get to see her again. I love her. I love her just as much as I love Edward, just differently. It would be too selfish of me, to have myself destroyed and leave her for eternity with no father or mother.
That, I wasn’t. Suddenly, although already strong, I felt stronger. I felt protective. It occurred to me that I would find a way. Edward would want me to be with Nessie. Edward would want me to be happy. That’s all he has ever wanted for me. Suddenly my thoughts felt like they were in the spin cycle.
Jacob was patiently waiting for my answer, and all I could mutter was, “No one will ever be destroyed. Ever.” And, I believed it.
I feel relieved when I think of how strong of a family we are. I know that as Cullens, we would never give anyone a reason to want to destroy us. Jacob liked how confident I was. It seemed to put him at ease, knowing I was so sure that no one was going anywhere. I felt happy, too. Also, I was surprisingly glad that Jacob asked me. Although it’s hard to think about, I need to be prepared for anything now. I have a family. A love, and a child.
They are my life.
I could never let anything happen to any of my family. Jacob included. He is technically family now. Mortal enemy turned family. I like that.
When our hunting trip came to an end, I grabbed Edward and held onto him tighter than ever before. I needed to feel him close to me, especially after such heart–shattering thoughts had been washing through my head.
Edward kissed me softly on the top of my head and frowned a little. I showed him my thoughts. I wanted him to know about the questions Jacob asked. I wanted him to see how much it perturbed me to think such thoughts. Edward has had a longer time to think of these things. The thought had already occurred to him; I could tell by his knowing–expression. I plan to ask him later on, after Nessie goes to sleep, what his reaction would be if I were destroyed. I will let you know what he tells me.
For now, though, I am going to go watch Edward sing to Nessie again. He’s writing her a lullaby. It’s a surprise for her.
Thank you for reading.
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Remember my 1953 Chevrolet pickup truck? The one Charlie bought for me from Billy Black when I moved to Forks? Well, if you’ve been following my story, you would know that Edward purchased me an “after car,” for when I was turned.
It’s a beautiful car. It’s fast, too. Different from my old pickup truck, to say the least. It’s a Ferrari F430. Nice to look at, but Edward always knew I missed my old pickup truck. It’s been parked on Charlie’s lawn for the longest time. To my disappointment, it stopped running. I thought I’d never get to drive it again, until Edward surprised me with it today.
It’s not exactly the same as before, though. It’s faster, stronger and has a polished exterior. Reminds me of myself now, oddly. Edward compared the old version of my truck to the human version of myself. It was strong, yet so fragile at the same time. It was rusty, kinda how I was on my feet. And, it was constantly on the verge of dying, only to be made into something faster, stronger and more beautiful, also like me.
Edward redoing my truck is somewhat symbolic of the new me. Its paint is glossy and sparkles in the sunlight, it drives fast, it’s strong, runs quietly but most importantly, it’s still the same truck, just like I’m still the same Bella.
Besides Nessie, this has to be the best surprise I have ever received in my life. Edward knows how much I love my truck, and he wants me to preserve a lot of my human qualities. The qualities that – along with my scent – made him fall in love with me.
Charlie and Jacob were in on my surprise too. They helped Edward with ideas. It was Charlie’s idea to put tires on the truck that are strong enough to trek through quick sand… for my safety, of course. Charlie still worries about me. He has no idea about my strength, speed or, well… that I’m his vampire daughter.
I’m so very happy to have this part of me back. It brings back very vague memories of my first day at Forks High School. Thinking I was going to be miserable and depressed during my entire time here. Wishing the rain would just dry up and the sun would shine like in Phoenix. And most importantly, wondering who the beautiful golden–haired boy was who took my breathe away. Now, I no longer have to wonder. He is my life, and I am his.
Rosalie, Emmett, Edward and I are going hunting tomorrow. Nessie is going to stay with Esme and Carlisle while we’re gone. They love spending time with her and she adores them equally.
Well, I think I’ve completed a successful diary entry for tonight. I’m going to go have some “bonding” time with Edward while Renesmee is asleep. I’ll be sure to write again tomorrow.
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From time to time, human emotions encapsulate me. If it weren’t for Zafrina – my friend from the Amazonian Coven – I don’t know if I’d be able to show Edward those emotions. She helped me realize my capabilities and taught me to use them to my full potential.
Edward loves it when I do let him in. Somehow, however, I think he’s quite happy not knowing everything. It’s foreign to him, exciting. I guess it keeps him wondering, which isn’t something Edward is used to. Mostly, I’ve used this capability to show Edward how deeply, truthfully and overwhelmingly exultant I am to be a part of his world. A world that I – at one point – never understood. A world that is mine now, forever.
I’ve brought Renesmee to see Zafrina as I had promised. Zafrina adores our little Nessie, almost as much as Jacob does. Zafrina gets a kick out of seeing Nessie’s thoughts, especially when she sees how prominent Jacob is in all of them. Although she will never completely understand Jacob’s imprinting on Nessie, she doe see that when those two are together, they bring smiles to each others’ faces. Edward sees it as well, and he is very grateful for the protection Jacob offers his little Nudger.
When Jacob isn’t visiting Nessie, he is in La Push, back in Billy’s house. Billy is happy to have Jake back there, back home. Everything in Jacob’s life has changed drastically, too. I mean, becoming a werewolf, fighting off vampires to defend other vampires, imprinting on a half–vampire half–human, and finally being able to be present in the same room as Edward without wanting to tear the paint off the walls is a fair amount to deal with, to say the least.
Jake’s happy now, though.
Most importantly, he still sees me as Bella. The same girl he used to make mud pies with when we were little. I still see myself the same way, too. I mean, apart from the speed, incredible strength, inhuman beauty, my shield and, of course, immortality. But you get the point.
I’m going to sign off for now. I will write again tomorrow. Edward told me today that he has a “BIG SURPRISE” for me. He’s full of surprises. I will write all about it tomorrow. Wish me luck…you know how weird I get when it comes to surprises.
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And when I shall die, take him and cut him up in little stars, and he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will fall in love with night and pay no worship to the garish sun.
Romeo And Juliet.
I had written this quote down in an old diary that I brought with me to Forks. I scribbled hearts around it while thinking of his pale porcelain face. I knew nothing of him then; nothing of his immortality, strength, speed, or how dangerous he was. All I knew then, was that he was the most beautiful being I’d even seen in my life. But ‘beautiful’ is too feeble a word to describe Edward. Beautiful is described in the dictionary as:
1. Having qualities that delight the senses, especially the sense of sight.
2. Excellent; wonderful.
Edward was far more than this.
To this day, I’ve never been able to think of a great enough word to artuculate how perfect he is. Edward has pulled at my – now lifeless – heart strings since the first time I laid eyes on him. I see some of those indescribable qualities in myself now, and in our daughter, Renesmee Carlie Cullen. The family calls her ‘Nessie’ for short.
To say my life has changed ‘drastically’ since moving to Forks, Washington would be the understatement of a lifetime. However, my life – in all its immortal glory – isn’t the only thing that has changed.
My appearance has also become incredibly distinct.
When I used to look in the mirror I’d see a soft, plain, pale, brown-eyed girl looking back at me. Now I see a porcelain skinned, red-eyed, strong, beautiful… vampire. I’m still not used to saying that word. I doubt I ever will be, and an eternity is a long time to not be used to something.
One thing I’m happy I won’t have to get ‘used’ to are my eerily crimson eyes. They are slowly changing, falling into a golden–brown color with the tinges of red that drown out more with each day. I’ve stopped wearing my contacts around Charlie and Charlie’s partner, Sue. Alice sees great things happening between those two. It makes me happy to know Charlie isn’t as lonely.
They still don’t ask questions, and I still don’t offer any information. After watching Jacob transform into a wolf, Charlie has become aware of the fact that there’s something very strange happening. That there’s more to this world than he could have ever imagined. However, he also knows that no one would ever hurt him. I promised him that much.
Sometimes I go back to Charlie’s house in the middle of the night to check on him. I crawl through my old window and silently glide into his room to usually find him dreaming of something either fishing or work related.
I miss him.
I miss a lot of things. I’ll never have to miss Edward, though. Never again.
Jacob comes to visit Renesmee often. A little too often, but I am understanding more and more. Renesmee is growing so very fast, and Jake wants to be there to see everything. She often shows Edward and I that she loves Jacob. She looks at him like a best friend, or a brother. For now.
I’ll always be incredibly grateful for Jacob and his bravery when the Volturi came. I was thankful to have him there, to run with Renesmee in case the Volturi decided to fight. I’ve always been so grateful for Jacob, for being there, for being my sun. Always.
I’m going to sign off now. Edward and I are going to go sing Renesmee to sleep. Well, Edward is going to. I can’t sing. But, I watch. I love watching my two angels. The two loves of my life.
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