Thursday, September 22nd
I’ve never been so grateful for immortal insomnia to this extent in my entire existence. A decision has been made, and turning back at this point is impossible. This decision may, in a way, destroy my attempts to not interfere with Bella’s life, but if it saves her life, it is by far worth it.
I am not acting out of my own needs, but rather ensuing Bella’s safety. This decision is necessary, vital. It hasn’t been made on an erratic whim, but made with full knowledge of what protecting Bella will entail. But I know that Bella is worth it, because if Bella were to die, I would die, too. The grief would be too much.
It breaks my heart to know that even when I take this challenge and leave Alaska to protect her, I still won’t be able to visit her regardless. I knew such a thing was impossible, but even after that dreaded day one week ago, I still hadn’t banished fantasies of being reunited with her from my mind. Maybe, one day in the future, I will have the restraint necessary to watch her sleep without being the selfish man I am and wake her up, but such restraint will be much harder to obtain than the restraint necessary that kept me from drinking her sweet blood. If I come within visible distance of my angel and hear her heart beat, I know I won’t be able to leave again. And so I wait for the day that I can see her again.
My time in Alaska has only helped me infinitesimally. Yes, I have been distracted by being around my closest family, and yes, Jasper’s empathetic abilities have shielded some of the gut-wrenching agony, but I know the small improvement is due to Jasper. The second I leave, my pain will come back in full force…probably twice as strong as the first time. I shuddered at the thought. But it was a sacrifice that I was willing to make. I knew the possible consequences of leaving Bella; this wasn’t a surprise.
However, this time, I will have a greater distraction, one that will occupy my mind more than listening to Emmett’s enthusiastic guffaws at his own perverted jokes or debating the motives behind the actions of characters in English literature with Carlisle. I’ll be tracking.
In the vampire world my family lives in, it’s not rare to find a sadistic tracker who will track a human out of bloodlust. Our coven handled a situation with a tracker first hand last spring. I, on the other hand, will be doing quite the opposite; I’ll be tracking the mate of James, the red-head, Victoria.
One simple vision changed what was left of my future plans, and it may have protected Bella’s. Last night, after I had my epiphany on the snow-laden roof, one of Alice’s visions shifted my surrounds drastically.
The long, dark hair of Laurent ran through the green, dense forest of Washington. Before not too long, he greeted a vampire with flowing hair the color of fire and dark crimson irises flashed before my eyes. I immediately recognized the face of Victoria. He whispered into her ear, and her eyes darkened in anticipation.
The scene shifted to a different section of the wet forest – the meadow Bella and I had spent many spring and summer days in. There, Victoria crouched down to hover over a body idle with sleep. Digging her teeth into her next victim’s carotid artery, Victoria sucked the life out of the human girl. Then she moved back, revealing the human’s face. My ears started ringing once I caught a glimpse of the girl. Bella. My Bella. My Bella I hadn’t seen in what felt like years.
I took in the appearance of her pallid, lifeless body and buried my head in my hands. My life, no, my reason for existence, was gone. I didn’t even have the chance to tell her the truth, the truth that I loved her more than any man had loved anything in his entire existence. The truth that my all-consuming love for her ultimately brought me to leave her. The truth that her safety was more important than my life, that she meant more to me than my own life. She would never get to know, and I’d never get to see her again.
After the vision played out, I threw my body off of the roof and was standing in the family room less than a second later.
I was expecting the sight I walked into; Jasper rested his hand reassuringly on Alice’s shoulder as she frantically searched the future. The other members of my family and the Denali coven were talking in hushed voices in the southwest corner of the room. Their expressions ranged from fear to fury, and no one even noticed I had entered until I was standing right in front of Carlisle.
Carlisle was leading the discussion as he spoke in a persuasive tone. He seemed calm and collected, but the fear in his eyes wasn’t concealed. This was Carlisle’s role in our family, to offer the reasonable and compassionate decisions we needed. I felt bad for what I was about to do, but I was in dire need of counsel.
I didn’t take the time to meet the concerned faces staring in my direction. Taking Carlisle’s hand in mine, I led us out the wide French doors and ran west. We didn’t stop for miles, but Carlisle didn’t once complain or voice his opinion. Eventually, we came to a stop at the base of Mount McKinley, nearly eighty miles from the Denali house.
Carlisle motioned for me to sit with him on a boulder.
“Tell me what you’re feeling, Edward,” he murmured.
It took several minutes to evaluate my vacillating emotions. I quickly identified grief and loss at the surface, but I needed to dig deeper. It was then that I realized I felt like I had failed, like I had let everyone down. In the last week, I had forced my family to leave the life they had known in Forks, left my soul mate, and nearly destroyed myself in the process. I owed my family better than that; I owed Bella better than that.
Finally, after I had pinpointed those emotions, I answered. “Grief, despair, failure, guilt…the list goes on and on, Carlisle.”
“As much as you’d like to blame this all on yourself, this isn’t your fault, son,” Carlisle consoled.
“But it is, Carlisle! It is! Bella is going to die because of us, because of what we are. I can’t forgive myself for this.”
I buried my face in my hands for the second time that day, only to feel Carlisle’s hand lift up my face. He looked straight into my eyes. “Who says she has to die,” he countered.
“I- I can’t interfere, I can’t get that close to Bella,” I said, my voice filled with doubt.
“I have faith in you. While Esme and I are not your biological parents, we have raised you to handle tough situations. It is in these situations that one’s character is tested, and this is a test that you will have to take. Remember, son, remember last January. Did any one of us believe you could have controlled your thirst enough to be with Bella? Certainly not, but you did. You may just surprise yourself, Edward.”
I thought back to the day Bella arrived and the path that led me to where I am today. It was then that I remembered the first vampire who had attempted to take Bella’s life – James. He was a tracker, the mate of Victoria, who risked everything to satiate his thirst for Bella’s blood.
I had been oblivious to Victoria’s motives until then; she wanted revenge. Her reason for existence had been taken from her, and she was reacting to her situation by trying to take my reason for existence from me.
This knowledge brought the whole situation into a different light; my pain was overshadowed by rage, fury, and retaliation. Any doubt that I had about leaving Alaska had left. The feline killer will not be allowed to kill my Bella while I sit back and watch. I’ll rip her apart limb from limb, if I have enough control to take the time to kill her slow enough. She won’t see another day; I won’t let her. I started sprinting back to Denali as fast as my legs would take me, knowing that Carlisle was a few yards behind.
Once I reach Denali, I’ll gather my things, say goodbye to my family, and start on my mission to find Victoria. I won’t stop until I know my Bella is safe. This vision of Alice’s is one I will gladly risk my life trying to change.
We continued our endless drive in silence. It was a rare sight to catch Alice speechless, and as much as I needed a distraction, I decided not to interrupt her thoughts. Maybe that was because all of my attention was focused on my own thoughts. I simply would not allow Alice’s perspective affect my own, even if I didn’t exactly know what my thoughts were.
Although I wasn’t reading Alice’s thoughts, I knew her well enough to know that she was obviously missing Bella…and a lot. Bella was Alice’s best friend. Actually, Bella was Alice’s only friend. Assuming that Alice’s visions always distanced her from others in her human life, she had never experienced what it was like to have a best friend outside of her family.
Closing my eyes in attempt to pinpoint my emotions, I blocked out everything from the outside world, but my thoughts weren’t arranging themselves into coherent sentences regardless. Incoherence is a frequent symptom of my withdrawal from Bella. When there is no more Bella, the drug I need to continue my life normally, I find myself constantly on-edge. The things I knew and the things that were customary in my life have disappeared. I am no longer Edward Cullen, the perfect vampire I had spent eighty plus years struggling to portray myself as; I am a monster with no control over my feelings whatsoever.
Is Bella reacting in the same fashion I am? I’ve been praying that she is not just reacting, simply enduring what life has given her, but that she is responding and making the most of her situation.
Although a very small part of me wanted Bella to be as affected by our separation as I was, I would be much happier in the long run if she could maintain a normal life.
Both Alice and I had witnessed Bella’s episode, but I can’t be sure of what she is truly going through. She constantly surprises me. Bella had always responded to me with an intense love stronger than most humans would, but she wouldn’t be left in such a pain from my absence, would she?
I shook my head back and forth, trying to keep what I knew as the truth and what my emotions were telling me separate. The action cleared my head for the fraction of a second it took to arrange my thoughts.
During that brief time, I reminded myself of a few truths I had forgotten. First, Bella was a human. Human memories, human pain, fade with time. Their weak minds don’t have the capacity to remain in despair for such an extended amount of time; it would ruin them. Second, Bella is a stubborn, independent person. I knew that she would not let this ruin her; she would fight on. Third, I was the first person Bella had fallen in love with. If there was one thing I knew about humans, it was that their emotions change. At least one other man was out there, waiting to capture the heart that has captured mine.
And if I knew she could find happiness while being free from danger- a situation that was down right impossible while I was in the picture- then how could I burden her with my presence? It wasn’t fair, and it certainly wasn’t right. After all, leaving Bella was for her soul and her safety. My well-being had nothing to do with it.
I occupied the large remainder of the car ride by contemplating who will eventually steal Bella’s heart. Surely Bella wouldn’t settle for someone like Mike Newton or Eric Yorkie, right? She deserved far more than that, but the choice is not mine to make.
Thinking of someone else being blessed by Bella’s continuous presence, of someone else breathing in her luxurious scent and holding her in their arms…it infuriates me. However, I know my overwhelming anger is originating from the reality that I’m not good enough for Bella, and not from the fact that she will love someone else. She will follow the natural path her life should have taken all along. Bella deserves to find happiness amidst my mistakes.
I opened my eyes for the first time in what seemed like hours. The scene around me was all very familiar; I’ve seen it countless times before. Judging from the dirt roadways sheeted with ice and the excessive snow drifts bordering the road, we were approximately half an hour southeast of the Denali coven’s house. Spruces and Douglas Firs towered above the roadways, and the sun was still shining regardless of the late hour.
Glancing over at Alice, I noticed that she had added yet another layer to her flashy and unnecessary designer outfit. The woman owned far more coats than necessary for a vampire who isn’t affected in the most frigid weather.
Noticing my disapproving look, Alice simply shrugged. Leave it to Alice to find the utmost importance of dressing like a celebrity in an area where many work as loggers and fisherman.
But I knew Alice had more than one reason for shopping. Don’t get me wrong, she genuinely adores buying a new pair of Christian Louboutin heels – and I only know the name because she raves about this god of hers night and day – but shopping provides distractions from issues she’d rather not think about, issues that she may not even notice herself. Shopping fills voids her subconscious is trying to block, such as the absence of knowing her real life mother, or in this case, the absence of her best friend.
“Alice?” I asked hesitantly.
“Yes?” She replied, sensing my unease.
“Does Tanya…know…what’s going on?” I finally inquired.
“Yes,” Alice sighed. “Well, she knows that things didn’t work out between you and Bella. If you ask me, she seems pretty thrilled. Of course, she wouldn’t tell you so, but she believes this is her chance to finally win you over.”
A memory hit me from the last time I visited Denali. It was January 18th, the first day I had laid my eyes on Bella Swan. To escape her overpowering scent, I fled to Denali. Thinking back on that day, I remember that I was completely unaware that Bella was my soul mate. My thoughts were consumed by her. I didn’t know what I was feeling, but I knew it was completely new. I was oblivious to the undying love for Bella that was growing within me by the day; she was only a demon sent from hell to destroy the life I had made for myself.
Oh, how wrong I was! In reality, Bella was quite the opposite – an angel, sent by God to give my dreary existence meaning, even if it was only temporary.
On the night of the 18th, Tanya and I had shared a conversation that was long needed. Tanya had taken a liking to me many decades past, but I didn’t return those feelings. She attempted to keep her feelings hidden from me, but constantly monitoring one’s thoughts is just about impossible. Apparently, attempting to let Tanya down easy didn’t quite get my message across, and I needed to set some things straight.
The Volvo rolled onto the stone courtyard in front of the Denali house. Kate, Irina, and Tanya flitted onto the wrap-around porch before I could finish sighing.
“You can do this, Edward,” Alice assured me.
I nodded, not because I agreed, but because I couldn’t find the right words to say.
Alice put the car in park and hopped out. She walked to the front of the Volvo, waiting for me to join her. Anyone who hadn’t known her for countless decades would have been oblivious of her fabricated emotions.
‘You’re going through hell, Edward. I understand that. Just try and fake some excitement for Esme and Carlisle’s sake. They hate to see you like this,” she told me through her thoughts.
I looked up at the blazing sun and back down at the stones beneath my moving feet. Alice and I had perfected this way of communication, and our silent conversations had improved since last January.
We reached the porch then and were greeted by the three Denali sisters.
“Ah, Edward, I’m so sorry,” Kate expressed before pulling me into a hug.
“Thank you, Kate,” I replied, making sure to maintain the polite standard I held myself to.
“Welcome, Edward. I, too, am so sorry for what you’ve been going through,” Irina voiced as she looked me in the eye.
“Welcome back, Edward,” Tanya finally spoke as she stepped forward. Her greeting sounded far too close to ‘welcome home’ to find any comfort in her words.
“Well, let’s get you inside! There’s no sense in standing out here,” Kate blurted in attempt to clear the awkward atmosphere.
We walked through the large foyer and into the living room that boasted high ceilings and a marvelous fireplace.
Breaths hitched as I glided into the room. I looked down, avoiding the eight pairs of troubled, golden eyes staring up at me. Their thoughts returned to normal within seconds
“Welcome back, Son,” Esme sang in delight. She glided to my side and placed a hand on my cheek. “Oh, I’ve missed you terribly!”
“We’ve all missed you,” Rosalie responded, looking down at her nails. I was shocked that Rosalie had voiced her actual thoughts. She didn’t know how much it meant to me.
“Yes! My hunting partner has returned,” Emmett smirked with a wicked glint in his eyes.
“Welcome back, Son. It’s good to have you here,” Carlisle said.
Surprisingly, I enjoyed myself for the remainder of the night. I had missed my family more than I would have guessed, and being around so many people provided a distraction. My emotions couldn’t be trusted, though. Jasper was tainting the emotional atmosphere with excitement and happiness, but for that I was grateful. Although the emotions weren’t mine, I would take them gladly over my own.
One day, I will be strong enough to leave my family behind and deal with my emotions, but this is the place I need to be right now, surrounded by family and friends that love me. I knew I had some things I would have to take care of and some people I needed to talk to, and just maybe, if I was lucky, I would even have the chance to smile.
Will write again soon,
♥ Edward’s Diary on Twitter here
♥ Edward’s Diary Facebook page here
It only took me half a minute to remember my Volvo idling in Charlie’s driveway. Although, I didn’t care about my car anymore – I didn’t care about anything- such a blatant reminder of my absence wouldn’t be in Bella’s best interest.
As I scanned Charlie’s property for any sign of Bella before exiting the towering trees, I stopped dead in my tracks.
“Edward?” Bella called, her voice in hysterics. Had she seen me? No, she hadn’t seen me; she was looking for me.
“Edward!” she called again, this time from further away.
I heard what sounded to be Bella’s foot catching a log followed by a hard thud, and it took all of my will power to not approach her.
“He-he’s gone,” Bella whimpered. “Edward’s gone.”
The underlying pain in her voice ripped through my chest like wildfire. Bella so was close, but so far away. I knew I had lost the right to be with her by putting her in this much pain; she was off limits.
It wasn’t until I heard the distinct engine of Charlie’s cruiser pulling off the main road that I moved an inch. How long had I been standing there at the edge of the forest?
Dashing out from the trees and climbing into the Volvo, I turned up the heat out of habit, but it wasn’t needed. Bella wasn’t there. Sighing, I threw the car in reverse, and was driving mindlessly on the highway within a matter of minutes.
This didn’t end as I had suspected. Right now, I should still be with Bella in the forest, breathing in her enticing scent as I struggle to control my thirst. I would give anything, do anything, to be in the presence of my Bella in this moment. But she isn’t my Bella anymore, and our separation wasn’t for my benefit.
It’s only been four hours and twenty-two minutes since I left her, but this level of pain hasn’t been experienced by anyone in their entire existence. My heart had been dormant for nearly nine decades, but the place where my heart rested is now hollow. Bella’s scent still lingers on my tongue, as I have denied my instincts and held my breath in attempt to keep her scent with me.
Each tick of the nearly inaudible clock blares in my ears, distancing Bella and me further apart. I don’t know where I am, and I don’t care in the least. Driving can’t hold my attention, leaving a colossal amount of space for my thoughts to wonder. An empty and hollow existence faces me now, and I have already accepted what goes along with it. Time isn’t relevant, and everything I used to find purpose in has vanished. I’m left with nothing.
But that’s what happens when you give love the opportunity to heal your heart, right? You’re often left with a broken one. But a broken heart is far less important than a damned soul. Bella will never know the truth behind why I left her, I’m sure of that, but she will benefit. Her safety will benefit, and more importantly, her soul will benefit.
People often say God does everything for a reason, and although that reason is being kept from me, I’ll make it my mission to find out what it is. At least it will distract me from being separated from Bella…temporarily. Temporary distractions, that’s all I ask of life. A temporary distraction from an intolerable agony and haunting memories. These vivid memories are etched in my mind, never to leave or lose their potency.
Try as I may to return to the mindset I had before I met Bella, I just can’t. After I met her, my world changed forever. My life is unchangeable, unalterable. Was there any way to remember her, but also encounter relief? I added the challenge to my list of distractions.
“Don’t…don’t do this” Bella’s agonized voice played in my head. Her voice was so close that I could almost imagine her here with me.
Her voice nearly made me steer off the wet road while an ancient feeling made my chest tighten. Vampires weren’t supposed to feel pain…at least, not physically.
“You…don’t….want me?” the hurt voice asked.
As each word replayed itself in my mind, new wounds were cut open. The pain was excruciating. It was torture. I had to pull over, now, before I mauled down oncoming cars.
Another memory hit me at full force. “Besides, if you turn us into a Volvo pretzel around a tree trunk, you can probably just walk away.
In my planning to leave Bella, never had I once expected the pain to be this down right unavoidable or this real. But now I know why this level of pain isn’t known to a human – their vulnerable bodies simply couldn’t take it.
Oh, to be human again! To have a beating heart and blood running through my veins, to be freed from this monster’s body I am stuck in for the rest of eternity… I would give almost anything for it. Had I been born in this day and not been changed, a relationship with Bella would have been easy, as simple as breathing.
Would she even want me if I was human? Would she still love me if I didn’t have the accompanying strength, beauty, and speed that comes with what I am? She would still love me if I was normal…wouldn’t she? I guess it doesn’t really matter now anyway.
Banging my head against the leather steering wheel, I forced myself to clear my mind. If I didn’t, I would become the next nutcase in a long line of insane vampires. Closing my eyes, I concentrated on little things; the sound of the birds and the passing cars, the warm air as it caressed my cheeks and before long, my thoughts had ceased all together.
♥ Edward’s Diary is on Twitter here
It’s hard to believe things could possibly be worse, and I haven’t even been separated from Bella yet. That, however, will change in only a few short hours…I hope. Knowing that it would take at least several hours to convince Bella that I don’t love her, I had opted to end this romance immediately following school.
As I sit here in my Volvo, waiting for Bella to return home at her lethargic twenty-five miles per hour, my mind keeps wandering back to the happenings of today.
It had only taken one-eighth of a second for me to fly through the closing door as I chased after Rosalie. My legs pushed me faster than I had ever flown before, and within a moment, Rosalie was within my steel grasp. Was she even trying to run fast? Rosalie’s speed in comparison to mine in that moment was like that of a toddler running against an Olympian. Whether she wanted to be stopped or I was extremely motivated, I couldn’t decide.
Her thoughts were jumbled and irrelevant as I all but dragged her back inside the house. Six other bodies flitted to our sides, asking so many questions that even I couldn’t keep up. Rosalie wouldn’t even look up, and her thoughts were consumed with new car parts. She was blocking her mind again.
“Edward, what happened?” Carlisle inquired in a strained voice.
Despite my efforts to control my voice, I growled,”Rosalie completely went against my word and attempted to change Bella herself.”
“I didn’t though, okay?” Rosalie retorted. Her carefully-built mind block slipped, allowing me to search her mind. Right before my eyes, Rosalie’s whole plan was unveiled.
I gasped as images and words invaded my brain. No, Rosalie had not attempted to change Bella; she had tested my will power. It didn’t matter if I had chased after her or not; she wouldn’t have changed Bella in either instance.
In a way, you could say I was relieved. At least I wouldn’t have to watch her every move like a hawk. On the other hand, I was furious. Had it not been clear that I loved Bella more than everything in this world? Changing Bella now would diminish all my attempts to preserve her life, which is how I spent a large portion of the last six months. I would have assumed it was down right impossible to doubt my devotion to Bella. Of course I wouldn’t change her.
What did Rosalie think she was doing? An unnecessary threat- yet another thing to worry about- was just about the last thing I needed. Could my day even hold any more stress? It was hard to believe it could.
Emmett spoke, breaking my reverie. “Can someone explain what is going on? Out loud, maybe?”
Ignoring Emmett’s question, I demanded, “Rosalie, what… were… you… thinking?” My sanity was about to snap at any second; I could feel it coming.
“Settle down, Edward. I wasn’t going to hurt your precious Bella,” Rosalie answered.
“I can see that, but do you honestly think that was really necessary?” I roared, my sanity leaving as the words were delivered.
“I wasn’t going to change her,” Rosalie countered.
“This was all…a test?” Alice assessed. “Well that explains my vision.”
“Damn,” Emmett awed. How he could love Rosalie was beyond me.
“Oh, Rosalie, how could you torment your brother this way?” Esme questioned.
No one needed Alice to predict her response. “For the last time, I didn’t even change her. Can you blame me for doubting Edward’s commitment to his decision?”
“If you ask me, I think Edward is pretty committed,” Alice responded as she observed the murderous glare fixed on my face.
Suddenly, a wave of calmness and guilt washed over me. Using my peripherals, I threw a grateful glance at Jasper, who was obviously tampering with my family’s emotions.
“This is very disappointing, Rosalie,” Carlisle murmured.
Sighing, Rosalie turned towards me. “Edward, I can see what I did was maybe a little over the top-”
“A little?” I interrupted.
“Just let me finish. I shouldn’t have doubted you like I did. We all know that you’re stronger than all of us put together. Would you please accept my apology?”
I carefully read over her thoughts, verifying that her apology was genuine. Knowing that I didn’t need another source of stress today, I accepted.
From behind the clouds, light shown through the wall of glass in the living room, notifying us of the fast-approaching day. My family returned to packing up the house while I prepared myself for the last day I would ever have with Bella.
This had to be the only time I was not looking forward to seeing Bella. One school day, that’s all I had. One day left to memorize the way my touch would make her cheeks blush scarlet and the way her heart would flutter. One day left for me to assume what she was thinking, only to find out I was dead wrong the second she spoke. And finally, I had only one day left in my entire existence that actually held purpose.
Not having enough time to prepare myself for the difficult day ahead, I let Bella drive herself to school. The only expression I could manage to keep on my face without faltering was dead and emotionless, and I could tell it worried Bella. The whole morning, I wrestled with what I wanted and what I knew was right. The only thing that kept me from changing my decision was the knowledge that Bella would soon be safe.
Bella faithfully walked by my side despite my bad attitude. By English class, I knew Bella was just as distracted as me. Could she sense what was going on? Did she know that a separation was coming?
Our goodbye was fast approaching, but I couldn’t bring myself to speak to her. I simply had way too much on my mind. Silence reigned for the rest of the day. If I had a heart beat, it would have been pounding through my chest. My whole body seemed to be slowly shutting down by the time of our last class.
I retreated to the parking lot as I waited for Bella’s last class to end. Mike Newton walked by, his hateful thoughts and all.
‘Why doesn’t Cullen just leave and never come back? Do something good for a change and share Bella with someone else.’
Well, at least someone would be happy through my misery, even if it was Mike Newton. He really was a good kid, but it had been so long since I hadn’t hated him that it took a lot of effort to see him clearly.
Bella emerged from the locker room flanked by Jessica and Angela. They said their goodbyes, and Bella made her way over to my Volvo. Examining her facial expression, I could see relief, but behind that relief was something else. Fear, maybe? How inconvenient it was that I couldn’t read her mind.
Nodding towards Bella’s truck, I motioned for her to follow. Bella squared her shoulders but did walk beside me.
“Do you mind if I come over today?” I asked before she could get the chance to talk.
Bella had been expecting a question like this, that I could tell. “Of course not,” she responded, looking shocked that I’d even have to ask to come over.
“Now?” I urged. Did she notice the underlying pain in my voice as I looked past her into the sheeting rain?
We reached her truck then, and she climbed into the cab after I opened the door.
Watching her face, I saw confusion come and go, turning into concern. “Sure. I was just going to drop a letter in the mail for Renee on the way back. I’ll meet you there.”
The passenger’s seat on Bella’s right displayed a large, thick envelope. Knowing that the pictures Bella had taken on her new camera were enclosed with her letter, I offered to drop off the envelope myself.
If I was leaving her, having reminders of my presence would not be helpful. She would have to forget about me completely- an idea that just about broke my heart- for her to move on and have a normal human life. I couldn’t completely take all of my gifts and pictures away from Bella, but that didn’t mean they had to be visible.
The second I had thought of my plan, I was already in Bella’s bedroom, scanning the room for anything that would remind Bella of my family, or me. I quickly cleared her room of anything that would remind her of my presence. Pulling up a floorboard, I stashed the items underneath. Now, I could still always be with Bella in spirit, just like she would always be in my heart.
Once in the kitchen, I scribbled a note for Charlie in Bella’s messy script. Worst case scenario, Bella would get lost in the woods, and if that happened, I wanted to make sure Charlie knew where to locate her.
It felt so undeniably wrong to know that I wouldn’t be able to protect Bella much longer, but I know that the only thing she’s really in danger of is me. For so long I had been trying to convince myself that I was her protector, that I could keep her safe, but at some point rationality takes over.
I was brought back to the present as Bella’s ancient Chevy roared into her driveway, making my non-beating heart sink further than it ever had before. It’s time to end this, to say goodbye. Now, I will leave my life behind for the sake of hers, because as long as her heart beats, life will go on.
I ran through the dense forest trees at maximum speed, but for once, I didn’t enjoy it. As if I could find pleasure in an activity like running when my life would soon be meaningless. Aching with pain, every inch of my body was aware of how deep the separation from Bella would hit. Any previous purpose my life held before meeting her has vanished, leaving extra space for the anguish to take over.
Was I really going back on my promise to never leave Bella? Did I have the strength needed to accept that she wouldn’t be mine much longer? As long as it was what was best for her, I had promised to stay, but I was no longer what was best for Bella; I was far from it. I am nothing but a monster, and Bella is nothing but an angel. She belongs in heaven, a place I will never see.
I had always known that this day would eventually come, a day when I would be separated from her, but how can I be prepared for something like this? Every extra second I spend in close proximity to Bella is a second that can bring her closer to death. If the only way left to protect her is to leave her, then so be it.
My family’s thoughts entered my mind as I approached my house. The tenor of their thoughts was to be expected- bitterness, worry, and concern. I knew my family wouldn’t understand my pain. No one would understand my pain, not even Bella. However, they were trying their best to help me through my misery.
I flew over the Calawah River without hesitation and was inside our house soon after. Rosalie was in my face in less than two seconds. “Edward Cullen, I refuse to leave again! How could you do this to us?” she shrieked. Apparently, she had been too preoccupied with herself to even realize we were relocating. This was low, even for Rosalie.
“Calm down, babe,” Emmett soothed as he sauntered into the room. “Everything’s going to be fine.” It was just like Emmett to tell his egotistical wife anything she wanted to hear.
Rosalie’s eyes softened for a fraction of a second before returning her attention on me. “She didn’t even get hurt, Edward. Do something right for a change and stop being so melodramatic.”
“What if she had gotten hurt? I will not allow Bella Swan to be put in harm’s way by our existence ever again!” I shouted. The words reverberated off the walls, sending four other concerned minds down the staircase and into the kitchen.
“Edward, it doesn’t have to be this way,” Carlisle implied. If he thought for one second that I would change Bella, I must not have made myself clear. Changing Bella to relieve my pain would be the most selfish thing I would ever do. She deserves a long and happy life, and if I exiled her this life of darkness, I would never forgive myself.
“There is no other way, Carlisle,” I murmured.
“Yes, there is, Edward!” Rosalie yelled. “Change her!”
“I am not damning Bella to this life that none of us would have chosen!” I bellowed.
“Edward,” Alice said in a concerned voice, “the vision of Bella as a vampire- I had it again.”
I heard five intakes of breath as Alice replayed the vision. Standing there with her around Alice was Bella, her eyes liquid gold and her skin sparkling in the sunlight. I couldn’t fight the invading happiness once I saw the vision again. No, Bella will never be what I am. It had to be wrong. After all, Alice had made mistakes before.
“So what does this mean?” Esme questioned.
“Perhaps we need to rethink our decision?” Carlisle prompted.
“The only way the vision will change is if Edward actually makes up his mind,” Alice stated. ‘You haven’t given her up yet, Edward. That’s the only possible way I’m still seeing it!’ her thoughts defended.
I glanced around the room, meeting six pairs of curious eyes. Were they waiting for a decision? My decision had already been made, made before I had even seen my brother lunge toward Bella with bloodlust in his eyes; it had been made the second I heard Jasper’s thoughts consumed by her blood.
I massaged my temples in attempt to relieve the stress of the conversation. “The decision of my departure has been made, and I will not be going back on my word. The only question left is concerning the rest of you.”
“No!” Rosalie screeched.
Firmly, Carlisle responded,”We are not scattering our family over this matter, Rosalie.”
“We have had to leave because of you before, Rosalie,” Alice hinted. I had to remember to thank Alice later.
“A new city seems like fun. I vote for leaving,” Emmett announced, looking outside to avoid Rosalie’s glare.
“I support your decision, Edward. I will agree to leave so our family can remain intact,” Esme agreed.
“Everything will work out for the best eventually,” voiced Alice. “Leaving seems like the best thing at the moment.”
The family’s thoughts were a mixture of excitement and chagrin, but they all were in agreement of leaving. That is, except for one. Rosalie was shielding her thoughts by reciting the Declaration of Independence. Whatever she was planning, she was making sure I wouldn’t know.
Jasper stepped forward as he spoke for the first time. “I want to apologize for inflicting such a strain on this family, especially Edward. With that said, I will go along with the family’s decision to leave Forks.”
“I believe the plan has been finalized,” Carlisle confirmed. “Our bags have been packed, and the Denalis have been notified of our visit. Edward will say goodbye to Bella after school today while the rest of us clear out the house.”
“Changing her would be easier,” Emmett muttered as he began opening a packing box for Esme.
“This discussion is over, Emmett,” I replied, struggling to hold on to my sanity.
“Fine, Edward,” Rosalie started. “If you won’t change Bella, I will.”
And then she was gone.
Before it’s too late,
— Edward Cullen
Please follow Edward’s Diary on Twitter here to be instantly updated on new entries!
Please ‘Like’ Edward’s Diary on Facebook here & feel free to leave feedback!
I have made my decision, and I will see it through. All these months, I had been convincing and denying myself of what I knew as the truth – I was far too dangerous for Bella. Never had I once thought that it would be easy to deny my scorching, irrefutable thirst, but somewhere in the process, I had been blinded by my own, selfish desires.
The selfishness ends tonight. I simply love Bella too much to let this dangerous love story continue; if I truly love her, leaving her is the only option left. As I sit in our meadow, relishing in the memories I have of the beautiful human that forever altered my world, I can see just how easy it would be to change my decision. Thinking of all the times Bella had expressed her love for me, her need for me, I had almost gone back on my decision. Almost. But how could I? How could I put her in danger again?
The pain I had injected into my life this past week far surpassed any pain I had known in my existence. Memories of Bella’s disastrous eighteenth birthday flashed before my eyes as I recalled just how close to death Bella had come. The evening had seemed blissful, almost perfect. Staring into Bella’s chocolate brown eyes, I had genuinely believed that this twisted romance could have succeeded, that she could remain as part of my family without losing her soul. Those previous thoughts all changed swiftly in the blink of an eye when my own brother nearly killed the only girl I have ever loved. Try as I may to blame the whole incident on Jasper, I knew it wasn’t his fault; it was the simple and plain fact that Jasper was, like myself, a vampire.
Bella had always been so comfortable with us, never accompanying the fear that often drove humans to stay away. She was special, and that’s why I did, and always will, love her more than my own life. She brought meaning and light to my dark existence; she made me feel alive again. My true love, my soul mate, my other half. Bella deserves much better than me, even if she herself doesn’t think so.
All these inner struggles have led me here, to this meadow. The sun set long ago, causing the stars to illuminate the clear sky. I laid my head down, not bothering to pay attention to the wind as it whistled around me. I know the pain of leaving her will never falter or decrease, but I know for a fact that Bella’s pain will…eventually. It kills me to cause her more pain, but that’s the beautiful thing about being human- they move on.
Sighing, I thought about how my choice was also affecting my family. Alice was losing her best friend, Emmett was losing a sister, and Carlisle and Esme were losing a daughter. Even Jasper and Rosalie would miss Bella in their own way. Today, their thoughts all revolved around Bella, and it broke my heart to see her beautiful face in their minds.
Of course, Alice had seen our futures shift as I struggled with my decision, and she has been fighting my choice for the past two days. Excluding myself, Alice and Emmett were the siblings who loved Bella the most, and Emmett made his opposition painfully clear a few hours ago. His thoughts gave him away long before his whispered footsteps crept into my room.
‘Poor kid,’ he thought, ‘why can’t he just move on? Jasper and Alice will come back, and everything will go back to normal. Why’s he so hung up about it? I sure miss having Bella around, can’t imagine what it’s like for him.’
“Emmett,” I started, turning around to face him in the doorway, “what would you have done if Rose had almost died right in front of your eyes?”
His eyes burned with pain for a moment before he rearranged his facial expression. “Easy. Nothing happened, so there would be nothing to do.” He flashed me his arrogant smile.
Sometimes I wished I had his simple and logical way of looking at life, but I knew that wouldn’t save Bella from the monster I am. “Yes, but what about the possibility of it happening again? The outcome doesn’t always resemble a fairytale,” I pleaded, begging him to grasp the complexity of the situation.
“Huh. I see your point,” he muttered. It took a lot for Emmett to verbally admit he was wrong.
Knowing that the rest of my family was listening, I set a date on our departure. “Get everyone ready to go. We’re leaving tomorrow, before it’s too late.” I jumped out of my window before I had even completed my last words, leaving Emmett dazed in the hallway. My family’s thoughts all called for me to come back and discuss the situation, but I didn’t trust myself. I knew that if I had to fight my binding need for Bella for even another day, I may go back on my decision.
I was brought back to the reality before me as the sun started to rise over the horizon, and I became painfully aware at just how different my life would be by this time tomorrow. But life goes on, and days will come and go. For as long as I live, I will be grateful for the six months I shared with my Bella. So long as she’s safe, I can be at peace with my decision.
Leaving my selfish thoughts behind me now, I think of Bella. I will go through with my decision, no matter how much unbearable suffering it causes me. In a few short hours, I will give Bella the only thing I have left to give her- life.
– Edward Cullen
Please follow Edward’s Diary on Twitter here to be instantly updated on new entries!
Please ‘Like’ Edward’s Diary on Facebook here & feel free to leave feedback!
Thanks so much for reading everyone!
As promised, here is a diary entry from Edward’s Diary. It is from two years after Edward’s change from human, to vampire.
August 18th, 1920.
“Even humans don’t make the choice to be born. Once you’re already here, alive, the choice has been made for you. When I think of it that way, it doesn’t seem as painful. Of course, a human is only here on earth for a very short amount of time, unlike me. And a human doesn’t require blood, preferably that of a human, to stay strong. To live.
I’ve been trying to justify my existence, and with the help of Carlisle, at times I can accept what I am… almost. During times when I cannot accept myself, I become quite dark, saddened. It’s terrifying to think I could spend eternity completely despondent. Unlike humans, I’m stuck here – always.
Carlisle was turned into whatever it is we are in 1663, and has had a lot of time to adjust to – and even completely control – his thirst. His needs. He has told me stories of humans in his life who have come and gone. He has actually dealt with a great deal of loss – yet still manages to make the best of what he is.
The memories of my Mother, Elizabeth, are vague – but my love for her will never perish. She asked Carlisle to do whatever it took to keep me alive, and he did… in a sense. Carlisle was lonely, and I was on the brink of death. He did what he felt was the right thing at the time. He listened to my Mother. Carlisle is – to this day – almost certain my Mother knew he wasn’t normal. That he wasn’t human. When she asked him to do whatever it took, he did just that – and here I am. No beating heart, yet more alive, more aware and stronger than ever.
Carlisle couldn’t have predicted that I would be able to hear his thoughts, and at first it made him uneasy. For me, it has made things easier. I was able to trust Carlisle immediately because I could hear the boundless purity in his mind. All he has ever wanted is to avoid the dark side of what we are. The murderous, heinous, bloodthirsty monsters we are meant to be.
Carlisle wants to be different. We drink the blood of animals, not humans. It’s hard, but when I see how much it means to Carlisle, it helps me resist. From the day I was created, Carlisle has tried to instill in me his own sense of morality and compassion. He has curbed my appetite for the sake of humans. Carlisle may not have a beating heart, but when he was turned, his heart was without a doubt left in the right place.
Something I haven’t quite gotten used to is hearing in the thoughts of people around me – particularly women – who think I’m “inhumanly beautiful.” My appearance has definitely changed since being turned, but once Carlisle explained why we become so appealing to humans, it no longer made me feel exalted, rather cautious.
Vampires are made to attract their prey. We are built to captivate humans. Everything from my face to my scent is there to invite humans to get closer to me, so I can kill them and drink their blood with ease. I’ve trained myself to become numb to the thoughts of others around me. To never let a human get too close, no matter what. The flattery is nice, embarrassing, almost. I know I have to ignore it, though. I am the worlds most dangerous predator. In one swift movement I could take someones life. An innocent, weak human.
When you can’t sleep, you inevitably have a lot of time on your hands. I’ve learned a lot. Read a lot. Explored. Observed. Though humans dream of having more time in a day – I simply wish my days and nights had some sort of separation. Time just keeps going for me. Fast, too. When you live forever, a year is nothing. It goes by so quickly. Twilight, dawn, sunrise… it’s all the same to me. For the most part, meaningless. I spend most of my time trying to fill the never ending chunks of time in my life. Trying to avoid counting the blades of grass below my feet, or imagining patters in the sky that aren’t really there.
Carlisle worries that I’ve become depressed beyond repair. His thoughts are typically guilt ridden and full of concern. He often wonders if he’s made a mistake by changing me. He’s bounced the thought of creating a female companion for me around in his head quite a bit. I don’t believe -at this point – that I can love myself enough to love someone else.
I need to cut this entry off before I completely drown in self pity. It is, however, the reason I’ve started writing a diary. To conceal some of these feelings, to keep them from Carlisle. I don’t want him to worry about my happiness. I don’t want him to live with regret, for being my creator. Writing is therapeutic… relieving.”
*If you like Bellasdiary.com, please support us and click the two banners in the clock tower to your right under the title “Vote For Us” to help us remain one of the Top Twilight Blogs!*