(Edward’s Diary) Testing Limits

Dear Diary,

It’s hard to believe things could possibly be worse, and I haven’t even been separated from Bella yet. That, however, will change in only a few short hours…I hope. Knowing that it would take at least several hours to convince Bella that I don’t love her, I had opted to end this romance immediately following school.

As I sit here in my Volvo, waiting for Bella to return home at her lethargic twenty-five miles per hour, my mind keeps wandering back to the happenings of today.

It had only taken one-eighth of a second for me to fly through the closing door as I chased after Rosalie. My legs pushed me faster than I had ever flown before, and within a moment, Rosalie was within my steel grasp. Was she even trying to run fast? Rosalie’s speed in comparison to mine in that moment was like that of a toddler running against an Olympian. Whether she wanted to be stopped or I was extremely motivated, I couldn’t decide.

Her thoughts were jumbled and irrelevant as I all but dragged her back inside the house. Six other bodies flitted to our sides, asking so many questions that even I couldn’t keep up. Rosalie wouldn’t even look up, and her thoughts were consumed with new car parts. She was blocking her mind again.

“Edward, what happened?” Carlisle inquired in a strained voice.

Despite my efforts to control my voice, I growled,”Rosalie completely went against my word and attempted to change Bella herself.”

“I didn’t though, okay?” Rosalie retorted. Her carefully-built mind block slipped, allowing me to search her mind. Right before my eyes, Rosalie’s whole plan was unveiled.

I gasped as images and words invaded my brain. No, Rosalie had not attempted to change Bella; she had tested my will power. It didn’t matter if I had chased after her or not; she wouldn’t have changed Bella in either instance.

In a way, you could say I was relieved. At least I wouldn’t have to watch her every move like a hawk. On the other hand, I was furious. Had it not been clear that I loved Bella more than everything in this world? Changing Bella now would diminish all my attempts to preserve her life, which is how I spent a large portion of the last six months. I would have assumed it was down right impossible to doubt my devotion to Bella. Of course I wouldn’t change her.

What did Rosalie think she was doing? An unnecessary threat- yet another thing to worry about- was just about the last thing I needed. Could my day even hold any more stress? It was hard to believe it could.

Emmett spoke, breaking my reverie. “Can someone explain what is going on? Out loud, maybe?”

Ignoring Emmett’s question, I demanded, “Rosalie, what… were… you… thinking?” My sanity was about to snap at any second; I could feel it coming.

“Settle down, Edward. I wasn’t going to hurt your precious Bella,” Rosalie answered.

“I can see that, but do you honestly think that was really necessary?” I roared, my sanity leaving as the words were delivered.

“I wasn’t going to change her,” Rosalie countered.

“This was all…a test?” Alice assessed. “Well that explains my vision.”

Damn,” Emmett awed. How he could love Rosalie was beyond me.

“Oh, Rosalie, how could you torment your brother this way?” Esme questioned.

No one needed Alice to predict her response. “For the last time, I didn’t even change her. Can you blame me for doubting Edward’s commitment to his decision?”

“If you ask me, I think Edward is pretty committed,” Alice responded as she observed the murderous glare fixed on my face.

Suddenly, a wave of calmness and guilt washed over me. Using my peripherals, I threw a grateful glance at Jasper, who was obviously tampering with my family’s emotions.

“This is very disappointing, Rosalie,” Carlisle murmured.

Sighing, Rosalie turned towards me. “Edward, I can see what I did was maybe a little over the top-”

“A little?” I interrupted.

“Just let me finish. I shouldn’t have doubted you like I did. We all know that you’re stronger than all of us put together. Would you please accept my apology?”

I carefully read over her thoughts, verifying that her apology was genuine. Knowing that I didn’t need another source of stress today, I accepted.

From behind the clouds, light shown through the wall of glass in the living room, notifying us of the fast-approaching day. My family returned to packing up the house while I prepared myself for the last day I would ever have with Bella.

This had to be the only time I was not looking forward to seeing Bella. One school day, that’s all I had. One day left to memorize the way my touch would make her cheeks blush scarlet and the way her heart would flutter. One day left for me to assume what she was thinking, only to find out I was dead wrong the second she spoke. And finally, I had only one day left in my entire existence that actually held purpose.

Not having enough time to prepare myself for the difficult day ahead, I let Bella drive herself to school. The only expression I could manage to keep on my face without faltering was dead and emotionless, and I could tell it worried Bella. The whole morning, I wrestled with what I wanted and what I knew was right. The only thing that kept me from changing my decision was the knowledge that Bella would soon be safe.

Bella faithfully walked by my side despite my bad attitude. By English class, I knew Bella was just as distracted as me. Could she sense what was going on? Did she know that a separation was coming?

Our goodbye was fast approaching, but I couldn’t bring myself to speak to her. I simply had way too much on my mind. Silence reigned for the rest of the day. If I had a heart beat, it would have been pounding through my chest. My whole body seemed to be slowly shutting down by the time of our last class.

I retreated to the parking lot as I waited for Bella’s last class to end. Mike Newton walked by, his hateful thoughts and all.

Why doesn’t Cullen just leave and never come back? Do something good for a change and share Bella with someone else.’

Well, at least someone would be happy through my misery, even if it was Mike Newton. He really was a good kid, but it had been so long since I hadn’t hated him that it took a lot of effort to see him clearly.

Bella emerged from the locker room flanked by Jessica and Angela. They said their goodbyes, and Bella made her way over to my Volvo. Examining her facial expression, I could see relief, but behind that relief was something else. Fear, maybe? How inconvenient it was that I couldn’t read her mind.

Nodding towards Bella’s truck, I motioned for her to follow. Bella squared her shoulders but did walk beside me.

“Do you mind if I come over today?” I asked before she could get the chance to talk.

Bella had been expecting a question like this, that I could tell. “Of course not,” she responded, looking shocked that I’d even have to ask to come over.

“Now?” I urged. Did she notice the underlying pain in my voice as I looked past her into the sheeting rain?

We reached her truck then, and she climbed into the cab after I opened the door.

Watching her face, I saw confusion come and go, turning into concern. “Sure. I was just going to drop a letter in the mail for Renee on the way back. I’ll meet you there.”

The passenger’s seat on Bella’s right displayed a large, thick envelope. Knowing that the pictures Bella had taken on her new camera were enclosed with her letter, I offered to drop off the envelope myself.

If I was leaving her, having reminders of my presence would not be helpful. She would have to forget about me completely- an idea that just about broke my heart- for her to move on and have a normal human life. I couldn’t completely take all of my gifts and pictures away from Bella, but that didn’t mean they had to be visible.

The second I had thought of my plan, I was already in Bella’s bedroom, scanning the room for anything that would remind Bella of my family, or me. I  quickly cleared her room of anything that would remind her of my presence. Pulling up a floorboard, I stashed the items underneath. Now, I could still always be with Bella in spirit, just like she would always be in my heart.

Once in the kitchen, I scribbled a note for Charlie in Bella’s messy script. Worst case scenario, Bella would get lost in the woods, and if that happened, I wanted to make sure Charlie knew where to locate her.

It felt so undeniably wrong to know that I wouldn’t be able to protect Bella much longer, but I know that the only thing she’s really in danger of is me. For so long I had been trying to convince myself that I was her protector, that I could keep her safe, but at some point rationality takes over.

I was brought back to the present as Bella’s ancient Chevy roared into her driveway, making my non-beating heart sink further than it ever had before. It’s time to end this, to say goodbye. Now, I will leave my life behind for the sake of hers, because as long as her heart beats, life will go on.

-Edward Cullen



Edward’s Diary (Divided Lines)

Dear Diary,

I ran through the dense forest trees at maximum speed, but for once, I didn’t enjoy it. As if I could find pleasure in an activity like running when my life would soon be meaningless. Aching with pain, every inch of my body was aware of how deep the separation from Bella would hit. Any previous purpose my life held before meeting her has vanished, leaving extra space for the anguish to take over.

Was I really going back on my promise to never leave Bella? Did I have the strength needed to accept that she wouldn’t be mine much longer? As long as it was what was best for her, I had promised to stay, but I was no longer what was best for Bella; I was far from it. I am nothing but a monster, and Bella is nothing but an angel. She belongs in heaven, a place I will never see.

I had always known that this day would eventually come, a day when I would be separated from her, but how can I be prepared for something like this? Every extra second I spend in close proximity to Bella is a second that can bring her closer to death. If the only way left to protect her is to leave her, then so be it.

My family’s thoughts entered my mind as I approached my house. The tenor of their thoughts was to be expected- bitterness, worry, and concern. I knew my family wouldn’t understand my pain. No one would understand my pain, not even Bella. However, they were trying their best to help me through my misery.

I flew over the Calawah River without hesitation and was inside our house soon after. Rosalie was in my face in less than two seconds. “Edward Cullen, I refuse to leave again! How could you do this to us?” she shrieked. Apparently, she had been too preoccupied with herself to even realize we were relocating. This was low, even for Rosalie.

“Calm down, babe,” Emmett soothed as he sauntered into the room. “Everything’s going to be fine.” It was just like Emmett to tell his egotistical wife anything she wanted to hear.

Rosalie’s eyes softened for a fraction of a second before returning her attention on me. “She didn’t even get hurt, Edward. Do something right for a change and stop being so melodramatic.”

“What if she had gotten hurt? I will not allow Bella Swan to be put in harm’s way by our existence ever again!” I shouted. The words reverberated off the walls, sending four other concerned minds down the staircase and into the kitchen.

“Edward, it doesn’t have to be this way,” Carlisle implied. If he thought for one second that I would change Bella, I must not have made myself clear. Changing Bella to relieve my pain would be the most selfish thing I would ever do. She deserves a long and happy life, and if I exiled her this life of darkness, I would never forgive myself.

“There is no other way, Carlisle,” I murmured.

“Yes, there is, Edward!” Rosalie yelled. “Change her!”

“I am not damning Bella to this life that none of us would have chosen!” I bellowed.

“Edward,” Alice said in a concerned voice, “the vision of Bella as a vampire- I had it again.”

I heard five intakes of breath as Alice replayed the vision. Standing there with her around Alice was Bella, her eyes liquid gold and her skin sparkling in the sunlight. I couldn’t fight the invading happiness once I saw the vision again. No, Bella will never be what I am. It had to be wrong. After all, Alice had made mistakes before.

“So what does this mean?” Esme questioned.

“Perhaps we need to rethink our decision?” Carlisle prompted.

“The only way the vision will change is if Edward actually makes up his mind,” Alice stated. ‘You haven’t given her up yet, Edward. That’s the only possible way I’m still seeing it!’ her thoughts defended.

I glanced around the room, meeting six pairs of curious eyes. Were they waiting for a decision? My decision had already been made, made before I had even seen my brother lunge toward Bella with bloodlust in his eyes; it had been made the second I heard Jasper’s thoughts consumed by her blood.

I massaged my temples in attempt to relieve the stress of the conversation. “The decision of my departure has been made, and I will not be going back on my word. The only question left is concerning the rest of you.”

“No!” Rosalie screeched.

Firmly, Carlisle responded,”We are not scattering our family over this matter, Rosalie.”

“We have had to leave because of you before, Rosalie,” Alice hinted. I had to remember to thank Alice later.

“A new city seems like fun. I vote for leaving,” Emmett announced, looking outside to avoid Rosalie’s glare.

“I support your decision, Edward. I will agree to leave so our family can remain intact,” Esme agreed.

“Everything will work out for the best eventually,” voiced Alice. “Leaving seems like the best thing at the moment.”

The family’s thoughts were a mixture of excitement and chagrin, but they all were in agreement of leaving. That is, except for one. Rosalie was shielding her thoughts by reciting the Declaration of Independence. Whatever she was planning, she was making sure I wouldn’t know.

Jasper stepped forward as he spoke for the first time. “I want to apologize for inflicting such a strain on this family, especially Edward. With that said, I will go along with the family’s decision to leave Forks.”

“I believe the plan has been finalized,” Carlisle confirmed. “Our bags have been packed, and the Denalis have been notified of our visit. Edward will say goodbye to Bella after school today while the rest of us clear out the house.”

“Changing her would be easier,” Emmett muttered as he began opening a packing box for Esme.

“This discussion is over, Emmett,” I replied, struggling to hold on to my sanity.

“Fine, Edward,” Rosalie started. “If you won’t change Bella, I will.”

And then she was gone.

Before it’s too late,

Edward Cullen

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Dear Diary (Part 2. Meadow. Through His Eyes)

Here I was before her, exposing myself in the midday sun. I felt utterly conflicted in that moment. Selfish. I was more afraid that Bella would run and never look back than I was of me… well, slipping up. I wanted her to run, to keep herself safe, but at the same time I felt so good whenever she was near.

I kept my eyes closed. I was apprehensive to see her expression. I could hear her lightly gasping, though, and I wasn’t sure if she was completely frightened by my glistening skin, or if she was feeling slightly disoriented by everything. This was a lot for a weak, gentle, innocent human to have to take in.

Bella is the only person in my life who has been able to make me afraid… no, petrified. I was  thoroughly petrified of her disappearing, running and never looking back. It was too easy to me myself around her, and I never want to lose that. I never want to lose her.

I hummed lightly to myself while Bella analyzed my skin, the skin of a masochistic monster. I felt her warm finger gently glide over the back of my hand and knew she wasn’t afraid. I opened my eyes to look at the beautiful, somewhat crazy human in front of me. I couldn’t read her mind, and it was frustrating. I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t afraid. Did she want to die?

Her fingers were trembling slightly as she began to trace her hand over my forearm. It felt so good, too good, to let her touch me and get that close. I wanted to be closer, but I had to resist. Bella is the most important person in my life now, and I can’t make any mistakes with her. I wont.

When I asked what she was thinking, she admitted she was afraid. Again, I was conflicted. Do I convince her not to be afraid, because, deep down I almost know I could never hurt her – or do I tell her to be afraid, to run, knowing there’s a slight chance I could lose control. She wasn’t afraid of me losing control, though. She trusted me. I couldn’t understand what she was afraid of, or why she trusted me so much.

I needed a moment, just a few seconds away from her to sort out the frustration I felt from not having the ability to read her mind. Not being able to know when she was afraid, or wasn’t. I could see it upset her that I felt the need to distance myself, but I was still dangerous. Still a lethal vampire. I had to be careful.

I apologized for so impulsively leaving, and I could smell, almost taste her fear. Finally, she was afraid of me. I felt a surge of strength come over me. I felt angry, annoyed that I couldn’t simply lay in the beautiful meadow with Bella, like a human boy would be able to. More than ever, I hated being what I am. I don’t want Bella to have to be frightened, ever.

I showed Bella a side of me I didn’t want her to see. Right then she witnessed my speed, strength and bitterness all at once. When I ripped a two foot thick branch from the trunk of a spruce, her beautiful brown eyes widened in fear and the sight of Bella feeling anything but protected by me was hard to see. I stopped, regaining control of myself. I didn’t want her to think that I was going to hurt her, or that I ever could. I assured her I wasn’t thirsty and that she didn’t have to be afraid.

Who was I to tell her she didn’t have to be afraid, though? She was alone, in a meadow with a vampire who was ripping tree trucks from the ground and throwing them around, sparkling in the sun and telling her I am the worlds best predator.

I asked her if she was alright and when she smiled back at me I grew more confused, but was quickly distracted by the feeling of her fingers tracing lines over my hand. She was so warm. I have never been so close to a human for this long. Any human interaction I’ve had has been quick and, well, thirst quenching. This is the first time I have let a human come so close without it ending tragically. This was all so new to me. So foreign.

Bella was more afraid of me leaving, or us not being able to be together than becoming my next meal. I, too, was daunted by the same thought. I knew I should have left before it turned into this. Before we began to have real feeling for each other. How could I be so selfish, to keep Bella around for my own contentment. I admitted to her that I was too selfish to leave, and that I craved her company too much to do what I should. I never want her to think it’s only her company I crave, though. I need Bella to always know that I am more dangerous to her than anyone else. Her scent, it’s like a drug to me. She’s my own personal brand of heroin. My analogies aren’t the greatest, but it’s truly something I cannot describe.

I admitted that I had to go to Alaska to avoid killing her. It was embarrassing, to admit I had to run away from her, a frail human. I told her everything, though. She knows about how I almost killed her right there in the classroom. She knows how hard I had to resist the temptation to follow her after class – and about the great lengths I had to go to to avoid her, her scent. She also knows that if I ever hurt her, I could never live with myself, she is the most important thing to me now. And I know that Bella would rather die than to stay away from me. She risks her life every time we’re together, but refuses to stay away. I can’t stay away from her, either.

“And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.”

Bella is indeed a stupid lamb, and I am a sick masochistic lion. But we are in love. It’s the most forbidden love of all, but sometimes the forbidden fruit tastes the best. The consequences of loving a human aren’t enough to make me stay away.

If anything, I got closer to her. When I grazed my nose across Bella’s neck, the scorching was more intense than anything I have ever felt. The smell was sweet and intoxicating, yet caused an explosion of flames in my throat. But I knew I was in control. The best torture is the torture I feel around Bella. It’s painful, almost unbearable – but every time she is near, I feel more human than ever. I feel emotions that a mortiferous creature should not feel. I have human instincts, but they’re buried so far down that I don’t know what to do with them when they surface.With time, I will get better at controlling these complex human feelings.

I showed Bella how vampires travel. I don’t think she was overly amused. She had to lie down afterwards, and I felt horrible for making her sick. She was as pale as… well, me. She still wasn’t afraid, though. Fascinating. This frail girl is literally fascinating to me. She accepts everything about me.

I had to try something with her and I couldn’t show her how absolutely petrified I was. Slowly and hesitantly I pressed my lips onto her warm, delicate lips. I could feel and smell her body temperature rise and then, she lost control. She lost control. Her fingers braided themselves into my hair and she began to gasp as her blood boiled beneath her lips. She tried to tug be into her and I wanted to follow her lead so badly. I wanted so much to be able to let my human feelings take over, but I couldn’t lose control with her. I had to push her away from me.

She was embarrassed. That, I could tell. I reassured her that she is only human. She was never required to practice the control I have had to perfect over the years, so I almost expected her to lose control to some extent. I was proud, too. Bella looked completely drunk after our kiss. I knew I could make her happy. I was proud that I could control myself most of all. That I could be close to her and not hurt her.

Our drive back was different. I felt like I could tell her everything and anything now. Nothing was a secret anymore. She seemed unsurprised when I told her I was born in 1901, and turned in 1918. Being with Bella is easy. I love her more than anything, she is my life now. She is my everything.


EDIT: Looking for a new dark love story to read? I have written a novella called, ‘My Darrling.’ (This is not the Willow series I’ve been working on, rather it’s a small side project.). You can read a preview and purchase ‘My Darrling’ HERE.






Dear Diary (Edward’s Diary)

I couldn’t have prepared myself enough for how deeply consumed I would become with reading Edward’s Diary. It’s been absolutely heartbreaking reading the black book with the red ribbon wrapped around it. The one from before Edward met me.

I’m not ready to post one of his diary entries yet, but one quote from what I’ve read  has stood out more so than anything I’ve read so far in his diary -more than anything Edward has ever said.

“The days flow numbly into the nights. There is no separation between the two. I have nothing to live for – yet here I am, a blood-thirsty immortal. A vampire. I wish Carlisle would have let me slip away, let me die. I was only a few breaths away from resting in peace, forever. Instead, I’m stuck here, trying to figure out what the point of my existence is, exactly. Trying to fight my urges – wanting nothing more, yet nothing less than to be a masochistic monster. Although I know Carlisle had good intentions, I also know for certain that I have no intentions of living forever. My destruction wont be easy, but in the end, I know I cannot live in this dark, lonely world forever. Nothing will stop me from eventually abandoning this perplexing, abstruse existence of mine. Nothing.”

When I think of a world without Edward, all I see is a dark, black hole. Nothingness. It’s hard to digest the fact that Edward could have had himself destroyed, and that what we have could have so easily never existed. Renesmee… immortality… eternal love…none of this would have happened. If I never would have met Edward, I wouldn’t have ever known what unconditional love was. I would have never known what it’s like to love someone so much, that you’d give your life for them. To be with them, always.

Reading Edward’s diary, so far, has made me appreciate him more than ever – if that’s even possible. My understanding of the things he has had to ensure is becoming more and more clear with each page I read. Edward’s writings are so powerful, so profound. It was all written a long time ago, too – and it can be hard to understand at times, but Edward helps me with the parts that aren’t clear to me.

Earlier today, Jacob was visiting – spending time with Renesmee, of course. Edward and Alice went to go look at this years Porsche Turbo’s together, which meant I had some time alone to kill. In that time, I managed to read a rather large chunk of the black book that had the red ribbon on it – that I now use as a bookmark. I stumbled across one entry of his that I would like to share with you next time I write.

For now, I’m going to see what Charlie is up to. I think he was mentioning something about him and I hunting together. I have to admit, it’s odd when bonding with your Dad goes from sharing a pizza and running through the days events at the dinner table, to tackling wild animals and drinking their blood together.


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