The things I abhorred the most when I was a human, are the things I seem to miss the most now that I’m an immortal, a vampire. Oddly, I miss the feeling of snowflakes melting against my warm cheeks. I miss feeling my face go entirely numb from the sharp, frosty wind. When I first moved to Forks I wanted to move right back out because of the constant cold, and the lack of sunlight . I undoubtedly miss the contrast in temperature between mine and Edward’s skin, too.
Edward used to feel so cold to me, so icy. His body felt hard, like granite. It’s different when we touch now. Not bad, but different. I know there are things that Edward misses about me being human, too. I am selfish to think that the changes have only impacted me. I’m also feel selfish for wanting this life so badly, for forcing Edward to turn me, then having the nerve to miss parts of being how I used to be. Being human. I pretty much begged Edward to turn me, so I can learn to deal with the fact that for as long as I exist, I will never be human again.
Thankfully a lot of things are extremely vague. I have forgotten a lot about the people and events that were not that important to me, but I do still remember the things that really mattered. It’s almost like I have snap shots in my head, permanently, but they are partially unclear. Blurry. Almost as though whoever took the photos moved the camera too fast, making the photo cloudy. But I can still see them. I do still remember what Edward’s ice cold hand felt like in my warm, often clammy hand. I remember making up my mind that I was going to be with Edward, for forever, no matter what it took. My transformation did not blur any of the feelings I felt for Edward – if anything, they just got more intense, more clear.
It’s almost Christmas time, and the Cullen’s are going all out to make sure Charlie, Renesmee, Jacob and I have the time of our lives. Alice decorated the entire house, with a little bit of help from the rest of us. Alice is picky, though. Everything has to be done perfectly, so we only help when she asks for it. Emmett, Charlie and Jasper strung the lights all around the house. Alice almost forgot that it might look odd if she was on the icy, cold roof herself, stringing the lights despite the fact that we have a house full of men, or… I guess you could call them manpires. No need to draw attention to ourselves.
Carlisle and Esme have invited the Denali’s over to celebrate Christmas. They accepted the invite and are anxious to meet Charlie. It should be interesting trying to explain Charlie’s perpetually, almost eerie crimson eye color – unless, of course, he chooses to wear his contacts. Come to think of it, he probably will. He seems to get somewhat embarrassed by the color of his eyes. After all, they are similar to the color of a non-vegetarian’s eyes, only more disturbing.
Jacob and Renesmee have gotten closer than ever in the past few weeks. Their relationship is changing, maturing. Edward is pleased to see that Jacob’s thoughts about his future with Nessie are still completely pure. Although Renesmee is only three years old, she has the mind and body of a ten year old, so it is inevitable that her relationship with Jacob is maturing. They spend more time laughing and joking with each other and enjoy a lot of the same things. Jacob no longer reads to Nessie before she falls asleep. Instead, they stay awake and joke until she drifts off, then Jacob heads out back to his home to sleep.
One of Renesmee’s favorite things in the entire world is snow. We have had heaps of snow fall so far here and her and Jake spend hours outside every day playing in it. It’s funny to watch Renesmee so effortlessly beat Jake when they have snowball fights. He can be a sore loser sometimes. It’s especially funny when Jacob claims he ‘let her win’ because she’s a girl. Sure, Jake.
If you have ever wondered what a vampire snowball fight is like, I can tell you one thing – you’re missing out. I had my first vampire snowball fight a week ago. Due to the lack of snow in our usual clearing, the one we use for baseball, we had to scout out a new field. We ended up finding a perfect spot just outside of Hanover. Similar to the clearing where we play baseball, this field was sheltered by trees. There was a small, gravel road in the distance, so we did have to be a little more careful.
The most fun part about a vampire snowball fight is that the snowballs get thrown with such intense speed that they usually disintegrate before they reach their target – if you’re fast enough that is. The biggest competition usually ends up being between Edward and Emmett because Edward is fast, really fast – but Emmett is strong and can throw hard. I would say that Edward ended up getting hit about half time time. There is no winning and losing in a vampire style snowball fight, though. No one is keeping score.
The game ended a lot sooner than I thought it would have. We ended up using all the snow quite fast, leaving the field completely bare. I hope no one decided to visit the mysterious, snowless field after we were done. That would be just great. Our family moves into town and suddenly all the snow in random large fields goes missing. I wonder what everyone’s theory about us would be.
As excited as I am about our snowball fights, I am more excited about what Edward has planned for Christmas Eve. He told me that we are doing something special, alone, the day before Christmas. I don’t get as worried about surprises as I used to – not when they’re from Edward. I still don’t like when people make a fuss over me, but Edward has a way of making me feel as though he is somehow benefiting from the surprise too. He tells me all the time that his happiness comes entirely from seeing me smile. Seeing me happy. I let Edward in my head often to show him what, exactly, his smile does to me. Lets just say he knows the feeling is mutual. My happiness heavily relies on seeing Edward smile and knowing, that somehow, I’ve made his life better.
Jacob is going back to La Push for Christmas day to be with Billy and the rest of his family, but will be returning as soon as the Denali’s leave New Hampshire. He plans to bring Seth back home with him for a visit, too. I look forward to seeing Seth. He’s a great kid and I will be forever grateful for all of his help. I do plan to take a trip to La Push to visit everyone soon, too.
La Push was pretty much my second home when Edward left. Again, the memories are vague, but even thinking of that time, when Edward left, it makes me want to grab onto him and hold him so tight and never let him go. I know that he would never leave again. I’m no longer breakable to him, fragile. But I can’t help feeling hollow when I think back to when he was gone.
I have to go for now. Rosalie, Alice, Esme and I are going Christmas shopping for Emmett, Jasper, Carlisle and Edward. What do you get for the people who have, or could have anything they want?
I also want to say Happy Holidays to all those who celebrate from all of the Cullens! We hope you all have a safe and happy holiday season.
Vanity Fair was lucky enough to get to chat with the Mother of the Cullen vampires, Elizabeth Reaser, who plays Esme Cullen. Here’s what she had to say about set-buddy Nikki Reed, going from Juilliard to Hollywood, and her obsession with Jay-Z:
What do you normally do with your downtime on set?
Most of the time Nikki and I sort of scamper around, find snacks, laugh, and make fun of each other—that’s the extent of it.
Has the craziness of Twilight affected how you interact as a cast at all?
I found that we’ve gotten to know each other better than you usually do on a movie set. It’s hard to stay in touch with people, and over the years you kind of move on. This week, we’ve come back [on set] and it feels more like a family than friends. In terms of how we interact, we’re shooting on this set that is an exact replica of the house that we shot in in Portland originally. It’s funny, I’ve been having all of these memories of little moments from two years ago—it feels very much the same.
Are there any books you’re reading or music you’re listening to right now while shooting Eclipse?
I am just obsessed with Jay-Z, the new album; I can’t stop listening to it. I’m always dancing around my apartment to Jay-Z, and Nikki and I are just going crazy. I’m only reading newspapers right now because I’m so distracted. I can’t get my head inside a book. It’s been a little frustrating.
What did you do to prepare for Esme? How do you still work to develop her character?
When you have the material [of the books] there’s so much already on the page from Stephenie’s imagination. Most of it came from that; she’s got so much back-story. There’s so much on the Internet actually, which I found really interesting because they [the Twilight bloggers] write about your character, they write about all of our characters. I found it really fascinating—their take on it. Even on You Tube, they’ll have some kind of report on Esme or Carlisle and their relationship and it’s just been really interesting.
Before you go, can you give me one word to describe each of your fellow Cullen actors starting with Nikki Reed [“Rosalie Hale”]?
Nikki Reed and co-star Elizabeth Reaser were spotted laughing as they walked in Vancouver on Saturday afternoon (August 15). Nikki and Elizabeth met at a hair salon and after went to the Tom Lee Music store to pick up Nikki’s guitar.
Charlie’s eyes are still a startling crimson color. They haven’t faded, at all. Unusual. In fact, they seem to be becoming more bright with time. He only drinks the blood of animals, and hasn’t ever fed off a human, ever. Normally, only vampires who drink human blood – and, of course, newborns – have such a frighteningly red eye color. Mine are now completely golden, and turn black when I’m extremely hungry.
Wearing contacts around all the time isn’t a realistic option for Charlie. He hates them. Sunglasses just look suspicious. It’s Forks after all. Always gloomy – no need for sunglasses. Although Charlie likes to joke that he’s “defected,” I’m actually worried. Unlike humans, our kind have not been studied so in depth. Even Carlise is uncertain as to why Charlie’s eyes are still the same burning shade of red they were the first day he became one of us, if not brighter.
We have to move, too. Carlisle doesn’t want to go to New Hampshire until we figure out what it is that’s keeping Charlie’s eyes from turning golden. He doesn’t see the point in causing suspicion about what we are in two different towns. If the good people of Hanover, New Hampshire were to somehow see Charlie’s eyes, we would have to leave immediately. We’re going to remain here, in Forks, until Carlisle can fully understand why Charlie is different from the rest of us.
As of right now, Carlise only has one theory. And so far, it’s nothing more than just a theory, either. When Charlie was shot in the line of duty, Carlisle had to operate. Charlie was left with an infection in his chest, extremely close to his heart. Carlisle thinks that maybe – because part of Charlie’s heart was calloused from the wound – the venom couldn’t spread throughout his entire heart. Therefore Charlie could still have some blood flowing through his body. Not a lot, or enough to consider him “alive” – but enough to keep his eyes a flaming, almost liquid ruby color.Enough for him to still have a extraordinarily feeble heart beat.
Until Carlisle does some sort of test, we wont know for certain, though. It’s extremely confusing not only to Carlisle, but to all of us. Charlie only craves blood, and like any other vampire, he can’t stand the taste of food and describes it as tasting like “dirt” or “mud.” He’s strong, fast, cold-skinned and even has a gift. Everything else is the same, except his eyes.
I don’t mind that our move has been delayed. It wont be put off for too long, anyway. Carlisle will work fast to figure this out – and when he does, I’ll be sure to let you all know if his theory was indeed right – or if there’s some other hidden reason. Right now, I only care about Charlie’s safety. Carlisle is almost one hundred percent sure that Charlie is okay, but I know I’ll be a nervous wreck until I know for sure. Until something has been confirmed, proven.
In other news, Renee wants to come visit… without Phil. She called today and the tone of her voice was somewhat dreary. When I asked if everything was okay, she assured me that everything was “fine,” but I know Renee better than that. When I asked about Phil – and why he wasn’t coming – she danced around my questions and gave me quick, mindless responses.
I told her I would get back to her about a good time to visit. Told her I needed to talk to the family to make sure everyone agreed on a date. Really, I’m just buying some time to figure out how, exactly, we’re going to work her into a house full of vampires – and somehow keep it a secret, and keep her alive. We’ll probably have her visit at Charlie’s house in town, and just have Charlie, Edward, Renesmee and myself stay with her at the house, while Carlise, Esme, Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, Alice – and of course Jacob – stop in for a visit or two.
I know Renee will ask questions, and notice that we do things that normal humans don’t, but I’m prepared to handle anything she throws my way. I wont make the same mistake I did with Charlie, by telling him what we are. I wont risk our lives, or hers. She can suspect what she wants, but I’ll never admit to anything and will do whatever it takes to hide the truth. Anything. For her safety, and the safety of the rest of my family.
For now I’m going to go read the ending of my favorite book, Edward’s Diary. I’m almost completely through the second one. I have to say, if it were possible for me to cry – the pages of that diary would be nothing but wet, smeared ink. Sometimes I find myself re-reading certain lines that Edward wrote about me; trying to digest the emotion behind every word. Of course, I’ll eventually post more entries from Edward, too.
Will Write Again Soon,
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In fact, he is pretty much in disbelief. It was expected, though. I had a difficult time actually saying what I am. Oddly, when I tried to say the word vampire to Charlie, it got caught in my throat, wouldn’t come out. Edward had to finish my sentence for me. Then, after Edward blurted it out, I actually considered denying it… until I realized how crazy that would have made Edward seem. It didn’t help that Charlie asked Edward to repeat himself, four times.
The funny thing is, when I say that I’m a vampire out loud, I start to question my own sanity. All the myths and stereotypes I heard growing up left me with a distorted view of what a vampire really is. If I learn to let go of those preconceived notions, I think I will start to accept – and more readily believe – that I am, in fact, a vampire.
The whole time we were explaining ourselves to Charlie, Edward could, of course, read his thoughts. This was very frustrating for me because I wanted so badly to know what Charlie was really thinking. I didn’t want to make him scared or uncomfortable in anyway. Edward shot me the odd reassuring glance to let me know everything was okay, thankfully.
Charlie spent the majority of the conversation with his hand wrapped tightly around his Rainier beer, his knuckles turning whiter than mine. A few beads of sweat drizzled down his face, and his chest heaved up and down as his heart rate sped up.
Once we finished talking, we asked him if we could step outside in the back yard, while the sun was still shining, to show him how our skin glistens. He said he’d “rather not.”
We went outside anyway, though. His curiosity got the best of him, and he followed us. I was wearing a loose fitting, short–sleeved peach colored dress, cut just below my knee. As soon as I stepped out into the sun, Charlie’s eyes lit up and his face had so many inexplicable expressions.
I was petrified.
Again, Edwards mind–reading would have come in handy for me. I didn’t know if Charlie thought it was beautiful, or completely horrific. Then, he said it, he answered my question as though he could read my mind. “Bells, you’ve always been my beautiful little girl. This though, this is angelic. You… you’re gorgeous.”
Then Charlie collapsed.
Edward was on the phone to Carlisle, seemingly before Charlie even hit the ground. Later Edward explained he heard Charlie say he was feeling “extremely light–headed” in his thoughts.
I was extremely worried about Charlie, but I was more upset over the fact that I couldn’t do anything for him. I couldn’t risk getting that close to him. I still don’t know my own strength.
One wrong move, and I could kill Charlie.That thought scared me more than anything.
Edward and I hadn’t been hunting in a while, either. My throat felt like sandpaper that had been lit on fire. I knew I had control, for the most part, but I didn’t want to risk anything.
Luckily Carlisle arrived very shortly after Edward had called. Charlie was slipping in-and-out of consciousness the whole time, saying things that didn’t make sense. Carlisle worked his magic and had Charlie back in the house, in his bed, sipping some sort of fluid that had electrolytes in it.
For obvious reasons, I decided to hold off on telling Charlie about Nessie. One thing at a time. Before we left, though, we explained to Charlie that he couldn’t tell a soul. And, I gave him a brief description of the Volturi. He was half–listening to me and half glancing quickly from Edward to Nessie and back to me in disbelief. I told him to rest and figured I would tell him the rest once he recovered from the shock of everything.
I kissed him on the head, then left.
Carlisle stayed behind for a few hours to watch over Charlie, even though Charlie claimed to be “just fine.” Though all of this was very dramatic, the real drama didn’t start until Edward, Nessie and I returned to the Cullen house. I have a few things I need to take care of right now, but I will write again soon and let you know exactly what happened once we got back from out visit with Charlie.