Celebrate Stephenie Meyer Day 2010 in Forks, Washington!

Hey Twilighters. As some of you know,  every year Forks celebrates Stephenie Meyer Day on September 13th, Bella Swan’s birthday. This year the special celebration will take place over the weekend because the 13th is during the week. Here are some highlights of the events to take place:

Dazzled by Twilight and the City of Forks Celebrate Bella’s Birthday by Hosting 4th Annual Stephenie Meyer Day September 10th-12th 2010

Who , What, When, Where

The citizens of Forks are gearing up for another fun and festive event weekend by hosting the fourth annual Stephenie Meyer Day!  During this weekend in Forks, citizens and guests will experience a plethora of activities dedicated to the Twilight series and the author who penned them, all in the very place where the wildly successful series is set.  Dazzled by Twilight, the town’s most exclusive Twilight-inspired store, will hold a number of fun events that you’ll be sure not to miss.

In addition to Dazzled by Twilight’s Stephenie Meyer Day events, they will be launching two new programs including their free news text program (text DAZZLED to 313131 to sign up now!)* as well as fun letters from Edward, Bella or any Twilight character called Letters From Forks.  Join us for a weekend you’ll never forget!

*Standard messaging rates apply.*

Friday, September 10th 2010

6pm-7:45pm- Private Media/Fan site Tour of Forks!  Join Dazzled by Twilight on a private, exclusive tour of Forks and the highlighted Twilight stops along the way.  Visit Charlie and Bella’s house, the treaty line and the beautiful Rialto Beach among others.  Ask questions about Forks, Dazzled by Twilight and any of the weekend’s upcoming events during the tour for any articles or coverage!  It’s the perfect way to get oriented.  Space is limited, so please RSVP to  Fan sites and accredited media only.

6pm-8pm- Author signing. Join us at the Dazzled by Twilight store for a free Twilight-inspired author signing.  Meet the author and get your book(s) autographed personally!  Author TBD.

8pm-10pm- Dazzled by Twilight Preview Night!  Come to the Dazzled by Twilight store and enjoy 10% off your entire purchase. Check out new merchandise, exclusive sales and tons more during these two special hours!  It’s a shopping party!  Spend $100 or more in the store and receive a free commemorative Bella’s Birthday tee shirt!

9pm-1am- Bella’s Ball at the Twilight Lounge!  Join Dazzled by Twilight and the Forks Chamber of Commerce for a fun night of music and dancing.  Enjoy fabulous food and drink specials, including the Twilight Lounge’s very own mixed drink sensation, the Vampire Bite! This event is free and open to the public.  All ages until 10pm.

Saturday, September 11th 2010

8am-8pm- Be sure to take one of Dazzled by Twilight’s exclusive tours of Forks, including all of the great Twilight hot spots in addition to a visit to Rialto Beach, where you can see a dazzling view of La Push’s James Island.

8am-8pm- Exclusive Dazzled by Twilight Scavenger Hunt Extravaganza!  This scavenger hunt will lead you all over Forks, stopping at Twilight hot spots and Forks businesses.  The fun hunt will coincide with the Forks tours led by Dazzled by Twilight, but anyone in Forks can participate!  Simply text DAZZLED to 313131 and you will receive text clues that take you to each destination.  A trivia question will be revealed at that location, where you’ll have to text the right answer in order to receive the next clue.  Those who get all answers correct and present a code at the Dazzled by Twilight store will receive a fantastic prize! *Standard messaging rates apply.*

10am-6pm- Letters From Forks!  Dazzled by Twilight is pleased to now offer letters written to friends and family from Twilight characters, mailed right from Forks!  Be sure to visit the kiosk set up outside the Dazzled by Twilight store (weather permitting) and send a customized letter from any Twilight character, in his/her own style, to a friend or family member.  Any occasion will do; birthdays, anniversaries, or just because!  This service is only available through Dazzled by Twilight!

7pm-9pm- Forks’ Twilight Fashion Show.  Have a wardrobe of Twilight gear in your closet and nowhere to show it off?  Now’s your chance!  Come to the Twilight Lounge for a free, fun fashion show that celebrates the crazy fashion of Twilighters!  Any Twilight-inspired apparel will do (family friendly).  Don’t forget to accessorize with shoes, jewelry, wild and crazy makeup and funky hairdos!  The winner will receive a $100 gift certificate to Dazzled by Twilight’s huge merchandise store.

9pm-11pm- Mitch Hansen Concert!  Join Dazzled by Twilight in welcoming back to the Twilight Lounge the Mitch Hansen Band!  These fandom favorites will serenade Forks citizens and visitors with Twilight-inspired music in a free concert.

Sunday, September 12th 2010

8am-12pm- Bella’s Birthday Breakfast.  As the weekend festivities come to a close, recap your weekend with friends new and old at The Lodge in Forks, the Dazzled by Twilight’s very own restaurant!  Enjoy specials on their breakfast menu in celebration of Bella’s birthday.

For a complete listing of all Forks Chamber of Commerce Stephenie Meyer Day events, please visit their informative web site at:

Media is invited to participate in any and all events!

About Dazzled by Twilight

Dazzled by Twilight is the premier company dedicated to all things Twilight.  Based in Forks, Dazzled by Twilight offers a huge selection of Twilight-related merchandise in their beautifully designed store.  Their bus tour company hosts exclusive tours that highlight the locations in Forks mentioned in the series, and features in-character tour guides, trivia and prizes.  Dazzled by Twilight also owns and operates other Twilight-themed businesses in Forks, including a venue and night club called the Twilight Lounge, The Lodge in Forks Restaurant and The Dungeon, a Volturi-themed bar based on the vampire hierarchy in the books.  You can learn more about Dazzled by Twilight at   To sign up for Dazzled by Twilight’s free news texts, simply text DAZZLED to 313131.  *Standard messaging rates apply.*

NOTE: If you’re thinking of going – book your hotel ASAP as they sell out FAST!!!!

[Thanks to TwilightLexicon]



Dear Diary (A Granted Wish)

Stay calm. Zůstaňte v klidu. Dr. Joseph Cole. He knows about us. What we are. He knows we’re dangerous, different.

We planned to confront him. Carlisle wanted to be as moral as possible about this. The Cullens have all been around for a long time. They have experience with keeping what they are a secret. They have had no choice. I, on the other hand, was worried… no, I was scared to death. What would it mean for my family if humans discovered what we are? What would it mean for the humans? It’s a battle I didn’t want to think about. I forced the thought from my mind, which left me with nothing but the painful awareness of my almost debilitating thirst.

At first, all I could think of was protecting my family. Edward. Renesmee. Charlie. Jake… all of them. Even Rosalie. My entire body felt like dry, scorching hot coals. My throat was a blazing, out of control fire, becoming wilder with each passing moment. A wildfire.

My thoughts drifted, painfully, to the memory of the burning version of myself that laid ablaze, scorching… silently. The memory of the day I was turned. Immortalized. I was bewildered by pain. The venom, Edward’s venom, and the morphine left me paralyzed while I was charred alive.

I had not hunted since meeting Dr. Joseph Cole and knew that in order to protect my family, I needed to hunt, and fast. I needed to be strong, but careful at the same time. In that very moment there wasn’t much holding me back from finding Dr. Joseph Cole and completely removing his knowledge of our kind, along with his life. The scorching in my dry throat had become impossibly painful. I lost a little more compassion with each passing, bloodless second.

“I’m going to spend some time with Dr. Joseph Cole during my night shift. Ask him a few questions.” Carlisle’s eyebrows knitted together, his face concerned.

He planned to play with Dr. Coles mind a little bit. Vampire as old as the Cullens can read people, very well. Even though Carlisle isn’t able to read minds, he is smart enough to get the information he needs through good old fashioned manipulation.

Before leaving for his night shift at the hospital, Carlisle promised he would call if he needed our help, or if anything went wrong. I could tell Esme was worried about Carlisle. At first she hesitated when he went in for a goodbye kiss, then her walls came down. Esme grabbed his head strongly, with her perfectly elegant porcelain hands, held him firmly in place and kissed him with more passion than I have ever witnessed in my life. She was inhaling him, breathing him in, and pressing her body into his as if wanted to disappear inside of him, become one with him.

“Ex… excuse us. There is a young one present you know.” Alice put her arm around Renesmee to remind Carlisle and Esme to cool off. Edward grinned, that impossibly perfect crooked grin, and I noticed his eyes were almost black. We needed to hunt.

As soon as Carlisle left, Edward and I went hunting. I wanted to bring Renesmee, she wanted to come, but until I knew what Dr. Cole’s intentions were, I really didn’t want her to leave the house.

I caught the scent of humans and my thoughts became malicious, untamed. My imagination went places I never wanted it to go. Just one drop of the sweet, aromatic human blood. My throat burned like a roaring fire, as the fragrant scent of  human blood danced through my nostrils, teasing me. Challenging me. I knew that in just a few inhumanly quick seconds I could find the weak, mouthwatering humans and put out the dry, scorching flames in my throat. The innocent humans…

I lost all trust in myself for the first time. I didn’t know what I was capable of. My instincts were telling me to get it over with, to satisfy my thirst. My instincts were drowning out my compassion, my logic. There were many deers that I could have had already. I wasn’t craving their blood, though. In that moment, I felt weak, like I needed the strength that vampires get from human blood, not animal blood.

I could hear the humans laughing. It was a couple, a young couple. They probably went into the woods to get away, to have some alone time, like normal teenagers. They sounded so happy, so alive. For a half second I wondered what they looked like. I just wanted to see what they looked…

“Bella! No!” Edward’s roar sounded like thunder, especially to my heightened sense of sound. I was fast, but something stopped me from going as fast as I knew I could. I wanted Edward to stop me. I needed him to.

I felt a hand jerk me back and I smashed half into the ground and half into Edward’s granite body, which caused another thunderous sound. I felt raindrops now. They started off slowly, and I could hear them crashing into the leaves on the tress surrounding us. The rain sounds even more beautiful now that I have the ability to hear things so much more clearly, and from much farther away. Within seconds the rain was barreling down on us.

Edward did not release his hold on me. We didn’t talk for a good five minutes. We just laid there, in the dark forest, with the rain washing over us, soaking our clothing. Somehow, the rain began to tame my violent thirst, washing away my bloodlust. I felt too ashamed to look at Edward, and apologized without looking at him, still laying on my back with him under me.

“Edward, I… I don’t know exactly what happened. I caught the scent of those humans and my mind, it… no matter how hard I tried to shake the thought, I couldn’t. I’m so sorry Edward.” My voice was a whisper, too low for human ears to catch.

Edward pulled himself up off the now muddy ground, pulling me up with him, then rested his cheek against mine. “This will make Jasper feel a little bit better…” He grinned and it just touched his eyes. I could tell that he wasn’t mad. Edward, if anyone, understands the strength it takes for a vampire to fight their instincts, to control their thirst.

In one swift movement, Edward pulled me around so I was facing him now, my legs straddled over his, my arms around his neck. The rain got heavier and pounded into our granite-like bodies as our lips met, first softly, so softly. Then, as the guilt I was feeling began to wash away, I kissed Edward harder, pulling his face up and pressing his torso into mine. Consuming him. Breathing him in. I let him into my mind so that he knew what I wanted from him. He met the thought with his perfect smile and laid back down into the mud, pulling me down with him…

The rain let up after about an hour. We both hunted more than enough to extinguish the blaze that almost led me to do something I would forever regret. After I hunted, and was satisfied, it became painfully clear what had almost happened. I almost killed innocent people. It is going to take a long time for me to forgive myself, if I ever do.

Shortly after the sun had risen, Carlisle pulled up into the driveway. Edward read his mind as soon as he could hear his thoughts then his golden eyes widened while his face somehow remained expressionless, a look that confused me.

Before I had a chance to ask Edward what he heard, Carlisle was in the door, meeting all of our curious faces with a smile. “He knows we’re different.” Carlisle didn’t waste any time getting to his point. “Dr. Joseph Cole is a very wise, kindhearted man. His only mission in this world is to help people. He is also very ill.” Carlsile’s mouth pulled down into a frown and he looked at the ground before continuing. “He hasn’t told anyone of his illness yet because he doesn’t want to have to stop working at the hospital, helping people.”

Rosalie interrupted, her patience wearing thin.”What does all this have to do with him knowing what we are, and what about our safety?”

“After much consideration, and hearing Dr. Cole’s pleas, I have agreed to change him, so he can continue doing what he loves to do. He’s a smart man and has been studying our kind for years. He knows the consequences of immortality. He knows the discipline required to feed only off animals. He knows about the pain, the burning.” Carlisle’s eyes shot in my direction, then Charlie’s. The memory of charring alive is still very clear for Charlie & I, the newborns.

“What about his family? Carlisle, you can’t just give out immortality like it’s Christmas and you’re the immortality Santa.” Emmett had a point, although he could have worded it better.

“This isn’t something I take lightly and I hope you all understand and respect my decision. He doesn’t have a family. He has chosen to devote his life to his work, instead. I cannot deny someone who could do so much for the world. Who is so intelligent and wants to help find cures for human illnesses.”

Carlisle took in a deep, but unnecessary breath, as if to brace himself for what he was about to say next. “The change will start tomorrow night, in our basement. It’s the only sound proof location I can think of. It is likely that the pain, the burning, will cause him to scream.”

For the longest moment, no one said anything. We all stood there, frozen like statues, trying to understand. But Carlisle made up his mind, and without another word, he took off up the stairs in a blur, Esme following behind.

The truth is, I get Dr. Joseph Cole more than anyone. I understand their doubts, but I don’t doubt that Dr. Cole knows what he wants. He may not being doing it for love, like me, but he’s doing it for passion. For his passion to continue saving lives. Who are we to deny him of that.

I, however, feel bad bout the pain he is about to feel…


June 4th, 2010:

I love the rain. Will write more when I have time…


June 5th, 2010:

I loved Phoenix. I loved the sun and the blistering heat. I loved the vigorous, sprawling city.”

-Bella Swan, Twilight.

I love when it rains. I love overcast days, like today. I love the algid, biting winter, too. The cold. Not only for the reasons you’d think. Not because I have more freedom on overcast days, although that is an undeniable bonus. Not because I can’t actually feel the cold, which is admittedly a nice advantage to being what we are.

The best way for me to describe it is, you know that feeling that washes over you when you smell something that reminds you of a happy time from your childhood, or maybe it reminds you of someone you love? That’s what the cold and the rain does to me. If Forks wasn’t cold and rainy, then the Cullens would have never moved there – and I would have never found my perfect, beautiful Edward.

I owe the rain everything, my existence, for bringing my life to me. My Edward.

Dr. Joseph Cole is currently charring alive in our basement. Poor guy. I’ll write all about that in my next entry!





Dear Diary (Stay Calm. Zůstaňte v klidu)

After this summer, Edward and I plan to go back to school. And to be honest, I’m more excited than I ever imagined I could be about attending boring, repetitive classes.

When you’re human your time is limited. You are only on Earth for a very short time, and as a human you have to sleep for about eight hours a night–so the last thing you want to do with the few short hours you’re awake in a day is sit in class after class listening to the teacher ramble about stuff you know you’re going to forget anyway.

When you’re an immortal, though, it seems as though you can’t find enough to do, enough to keep yourself busy, entertained. After I was changed, I seemed to become more patient by the day. I’m a hunter now, after all. An immortal. Patience is an inevitable quality for the undead.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t get bored. I do. In fact, the boredom is worse now because I have all this strength, power and energy. We could be doing so much more with what we are, but instead, because we are dangerous, not normal, we have to take every precaution possible to be sure no one suspects anything. Instead of using my new strength, I have to hide it. Act human. Alive. We have to fit in. Something that’s much easier said than done.

I’m worried mostly about drowning in my own lies. I can’t lie. I do lie . . . a lot, but I’m bad at it. To the town, Renesmee is known as my little sister. Adopted, like the rest of us, by Mr. and Mrs. Cullen. Charlie is known as my Uncle, and although I’m getting more used to the script and learning my lines for this play we put on daily for the public, I still have an almost unbearable urge to scream the truth about everything to the world.

I want to be able to adore and love my Nudger in public. I don’t want to have to check to make sure it won’t be sunny before I make any plans to venture outside because my skin will sparkle like thousands of embedded diamonds. What am I supposed to say to that? I took a glitter bath?

The hospital Carlisle is working at here in New Hampshire had a spring gala for all the employees and their families. They do four per year; one for every season. It was held inside a ballroom, at night–so we were safe to go. We had to go, for Carlisle. It is thought to be extremely rude not to attend these galas unless, of course, you’re scheduled to work.

Carlisle tried to get out of it by offering to stay at the hospital to work his usual night shift, however because Carlisle is new to the hospital, they insisted he attend. They wanted to get to know him more outside of work. They wanted to meet his family.

Renesmee didn’t come. I explained to Carlisle that I wasn’t ready to be around so many people at once while trying to pretend she was my sister. Jacob stayed back at the house with her. He didn’t want to come anyway, but asked that we bring him back some food.

“Well, on top of me getting some good food, you guys’ll look more human. They’d never suspect you’re a bunch of leec–vampires if you’re all smuggling food out of there.” Jacob grinned and I opened my mouth to say something, but laughed instead.

Charlie stuck in a pair of brown contacts and threw on his best dress up attire and came along. He wanted to see if there would be any single ladies there who he could lure in. I think his new enhanced exterior is getting to his head a little bit. Anytime we’re out in public women tend to gawk at him, their mouths hanging open. Charlie isn’t as awkward and quiet as he used to be, before he was turned. It’s funny watching him interact with Emmett especially. Emmett brings out a whole different side of Charlie that I never knew existed. I like it. Charlie is happy. He’s having fun with what he is.

Once we entered the large ballroom I began to feel more relaxed. The lighting was very dim with spotlights of red, blue and purple dancing over the ice sculptures on either end of the oversize buffet table.

There were literally mountains of food, and I was already dreading having to pretend to eat and enjoy it. Human food tastes like dirt to vampires, but we can pretend to eat it when we have to.

We all hunted before going to the gala, of course, but my throat still burned. There were hundreds of mouth watering humans all gathered in the hall, each one so fragrant, so sweet-smelling. I could almost taste them. My eyes swept from human to human, watching the veins pulse in their throats, the carotid arteries. I counted every pulse:

One…two…three…four. It was somehow lulling.

Each beat seemed louder than the last, scorching my throat deeper and deeper. I felt like someone was holding the barrel of a curling iron down my throat to torture me. I needed fresh air immediately, or something bad was about to happen.

I moved faster than any human could, and I was aware of my unnatural pace, but I didn’t care. I needed to get out, that’s all I knew. I pulled myself away from Edward’s grip and was out the door, deeply inhaling the fresh, crisp air, trying to shake the vision of the pulsing, fragrant necks in the banquet hall.

I felt overridden with guilt for seeing them as nothing more than a meal. They were human beings. People with families, loved ones . . . yet there I was, blinded by the pulsing, the scent, the desire that almost overtook me. I was a monster.

It only took a few short minutes for Edward to calm me down, to melt away the guilt. He placed one long, smooth hand on each one of my cheeks and stared intently into my eyes, that crooked grin creeping up on one side.

“Bella, love, it’s okay. I wouldn’t have let anything happen. You didn’t do anything wrong. You fought your instincts and there’s nothing harder than that, but you did it.” His eyes were liquid gold, his breath icy and sweet.

“Edward . . . I . . . ” I closed my eyes tightly, trying to find the words, the right words to emphasize how sorry I was for ever coming that close to potentially exposing what we are. “I… hunted before and I didn’t feel thirsty– until my eyes locked on their necks, and they were pulsing. There are so many people in there, I just–”

Edward interrupted, his grin now pulled down, his face grave. “Please Bella, don’t apologize for what you are. This is what you are now, what we are. We are hunters. Even though you weren’t thirsty initially, once your eyes locked on their necks, that was it. The hunt was on. You became fixated on it, and that’s why it was hard to look away, to prevent yourself from attacking.”

The door half opened and Alice poked her head out of the small opening, trying not to be too intrusive. “Is everything okay out here?” Her voice was musical, comforting.

“Yeah, except for the fact that the gala was almost turned into a slaughter house.” I wanted to suck the words back in as soon as they left my mouth. I was overreacting.

Alice slipped catlike through the small opening in the door and crouched down next to me on the ground. “Bella, before big events like this I try to always look and see if anything will go wrong. I didn’t see anything to worry about this evening. Of course my visions are subjective. Your birthday is a perfect example of that. You’ll be fine, though. I promise. Are you two coming back inside? The dinner is about to begin.” Alice’s eyes shifted furtively between Edward and I as she stood back up.

“We’ll come back in. Just give me a few more seconds in this fresh air.” I realized my eyes were closed tightly again and I opened them, now squinting, to glance in Alice’s direction, but she was already gone.

I knew I didn’t have a choice. I had to go back inside. This was Carlisle’s night and he doesn’t ask for much, if anything at all, from us. I opened my eyes fully to take in one last look at Edward, those warm golden eyes, then sprung to my feet and was back inside before I had a chance to think about it. Edward was right behind me, his hand wrapped lightly around my waist.

I scanned the room quickly, not actually looking at anyone, and found the table we belonged to. Edward and I sat down, his long fingers now laced through mine. Everyone was already sitting, pretending to eat.

At the exact same time, everyone at our table shot me a knowing glance, almost as though they’d rehearsed it. I bet they did, too. “Way to not make things awkward,” I mumbled under my breath as I loaded my plate up, pretending to look excited about the food.

Dinner went as smoothly as it could have. It felt like a real human family sitting down to eat dinner. It’s not often you see all of the Cullens gathered around a table eating. I actually liked it. We talked and caught up with each other how a regular family would at dinner time. I wished Jake and Renesmee could have been there, but pushed the thought out of my head.

We didn’t forget about Jacob’s request, either. I grabbed three of the takeaway containers they had, and loaded them up. I thought we were going to make a smooth exit, and we almost did, until Carlisle got stopped by one of his colleagues just as we were almost out the door.

The man was taller than Carlisle, with shaggy light brown hair and a very thin frame. He wore small, stylish reading glasses and looked extremely young. His smile was captivating, friendly, and he had a hint of an accent, though barely detectable. He introduced himself to everyone as Joseph, and threw in a quick, “but my patients call me Dr. Cole.”

Dr. Joseph Cole was about to throw Carlisle a curve ball. “I just wanted to stop you before you left and ask if you and your family would all like to participate in the blood drive we’re hosting tomorrow. It’s taking place right in the parking lot. You seem to have a large, healthy family here. Think you could come out? Donate some blood?” Jospeh’s face lit up in anticipation as  he scanned all of our expressions. I felt my jaw drop and snapped it back shut, biting my lower lip to keep it from dropping again.

Vampires giving blood? Vampires don’t give blood . . . we take it. But how do you say no to donating blood to people who need it, without coming off as . . .  well . . . a bunch of jerks.

They would know we are different, instantly, if they even got close enough to touch us. I could hardly even think of the fact that we would be surrounded by blood . . . do I even need to elaborate on what’s wrong with that? Plus, the drive was being held in the afternoon, outside in the parking lot, and it was supposed to be sunny.


Carlisle was still composed, his face graceful and calm. “I’m sorry but we have a very important previous engagement that we are unable to miss. We would love to participate in the blood drive, really, but won’t be able to attend this one. Please accept my apologies.”

“Well that’s okay. Maybe next time. We try to organize them as often as we can so I’ll let you know when we have our next one.” Joseph nodded his head and smiled, though it didn’t touch his eyes.

“That would be wonderful.” Carlisle’s smile was forced. “Have a great night, Joseph.”

“Thanks, you too. It was nice meeting all of you.” His eyes darted to each of us, then he walked away quickly and joined a large group of people who were lingering, finishing up their drinks and catching up on gossip.

Edward’s face was vacant, and I knew that something was bothering him. He waited until we were back in Carlisle’s car before he said anything, though. Esme was in the front seat, and Charlie was in the back with Edward and I. The others were in their own car.

As we pulled out of the parking lot, Edward’s eyes swept around in every direction. I had never seen him this nervous. He looked out the back window one more time before telling us what was bothering him.

Dr. Joseph Cole knows I can read minds. He wouldn’t exactly let me into his head. He kept repeating the same thought over and over so that he wouldn’t think of anything else. It was in a different language, too. He kept repeating ‘Zůstaňte v klidu.’” Edward’s eyes were hard now, his skin glowing under the street lights and headlights of passing cars.

“Stay calm. He was saying ‘stay calm’ in Czech.” Carlisle was talking to himself, in deep thought. His lips began to move, but no other words came out.

“Carlisle, he knows what we are.” Edward hissed and I thought I felt my still, lifeless heart jump out of my chest.

To Be Continued . . . 





Dear Diary (And Ice Would Suffice)

I promised to give you glimpses into the two diaries that Edward gave me as a way to see into his mind. The one with the red ribbon is a diary he wrote from before he knew me, from a darker time, when he didn’t really even know himself.

The one with the blue ribbon is full of entries that Edward wrote after we met. The contrast between the two diaries is distinct. There are, however, some entries in the book with the blue ribbon that carry more of a malicious tone. Particularly the ones about Jake, when Edward could hear his thoughts, and they were about me.


Love, Bella.

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Robert Frost’s Fire and Ice was published in 1920, just two years after I was turned by Carlisle. The poem likens the elemental force of fire with the emotion of desire, and ice with hate. Over my years of existence,  I have learned that humans are more prone to commit sins based on the emotion of desire, rather than hate. But vampires, we’re a different story. We don’t run based on emotion.

Jacob’s desire to be with Bella, to tear her away from me and exploit my one vulnerability—her safety—had me on the brink of sinning based on pure hate, ice. But he was keeping her warm. He was keeping her safe, and there was nothing more I could do, except keep my distance from her. I didn’t want to contribute to her discomfort from the cold in any way.

My body is like a brick of ice. Simply sitting too close to Bella caused her teeth to chatter more uncontrollably, louder. Jacob, on the other hand, has a body temperature of 108.9—enough to have Bella almost sweating on the oddly snowy June evening in the mountains.

Everything appeared almost in slow motion as the mongrel unzipped the sleeping bag, then slid in next to Bella, pressing his warm body to hers. It took everything I had to dampen the hate that surged through my body as he grinned, loving every minute of closeness he got with Bella, protecting her.

Then came his thoughts. The fantasies he began to have in his head while he was pressed against Bella; it sounded as though he were shouting them at me, as loud as he could. Jake knows I can hear his thoughts, after all. But I have years of practice when it comes to controlling my feelings, and so I did the best I could to keep my cool. No pun intended.

When Bella and Jake were both asleep, Bella began to whisper my name. She was dreaming of me, and I couldn’t help but smile. I started to feel incredibly humanized, with the ups and downs of each emotion. I went from wanting to strangle the dog—trying desperately to repress the urge to attack—to feeling elated by the sound of my name on her lips. The soft, gentle, whisper that proved she was dreaming of me.

Then, off those same soft, warm, lips came a displeasing, “Jacob, my Jacob.” There was pain in her voice now. Fear. She was worried about Jacob. She loved him. I had no right to try to change her feelings for him, either. He kept her safe while I was gone. When I stupidly left her, leaving her heart shattered, leaving her in a reckless state of mind that only Jake could pull her out of. He made her smile again. It was like I left her bleeding, and Jacob stitched her back up—and his stitches would leave their mark . . .  never dissolve, just like her feelings for him never will.

I had no other choice but to come to terms with the fact that she could be better with Jacob. But I would never leave, not until she asked me to. I don’t think of this as selfish, either. After realizing how much, how deeply, my absence had hurt her, I understand that she needs me as much as I need her. I won’t ever leave unless she asks.

Maybe, in theory, Jacob is better for her . . . but the only one who knows who is best for Bella, is Bella. Her happiness is truly all I care about. It is what I exist for. I felt a slight pang of guilt when I began to talk about mine and Bella’s future together, knowing Jacob was listening. Bella and I were discussing our favorite nights together, and she asked me what topped my list, what was my most favorite night ever. I was honest with her and told her it was the night she finally agreed to marry me. But I could have told her we would discuss it another time—when Jake wasn’t listening. I needed some kind of pay back, though, because Jacob spent the entire night pressed against her, dreaming up delusional fantasies that made me want to rip his—

She kissed Jacob, and as much as I detested the thought of him so close to her, his lips pressed to her lips where mine belong, I know she is only human. He tricked her, too. He sure knows how to fight dirty. But so do I. The difference is that I instantly regret hurting Jake, because I know I’m hurting Bella in the process.

For now, I will make nice with the pup. He was hurt by one of the newborns, trying to protect Leah. But the real reason he was there to begin with was to protect Bella, from Victoria and her army of newborns. And for that, I respect Jake.

“He’s like a drug for you, Bella. I see that you can’t live without him now. It’s too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun.” – Jacob Black

Bella and I cannot live without each other. The air and the sun do not matter when we are apart. Living doesn’t matter when we aren’t living together.

I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.





Dear Diary (A Familiar Face)

Seth didn’t stay long. In fact, none of us did. We’re all in Forks right now—except for Carlisle, Esme, and Renesmee. They’re still in New Hampshire. We’ve been here for a while. I was more than excited about Seth’s visit. We all were, but we weren’t overly-enthused about the news he brought with him.

Seth can’t fake that huge, happy grin. I knew almost immediately that he was hiding something. He was worried. His eyes gave it away. They were obscure and overshadowed the innocent smile he was trying to fake. I saw the same dark concern clouding Jake’s eyes, too. His usual sunny face was becoming more of a dark, ebony sky. I was worried, but didn’t want to cross-examine them as soon as they arrived.

I waited for Edward to come home. I figured he would just listen in on Seth and Jacob’s thoughts and tell me what was bothering them if they didn’t speak up themselves. Edward and Jasper returned from hunting about twenty minutes after Seth and Jacob got to New Hampshire, to our over-sized house, fit for a family of thirty. Edward and Jasper were testing out a brand new hunting spot they found, about a twenty minute run north of our usual spot. Apparently it’s more discrete: no trails, and has an ample supply of deer.

Immediately after welcoming Jacob and Seth, Edward’s eyes grew cold, his eyebrows knitting together. I was anticipating this. For once, I was one step ahead of Edward. Now, I just had to wait. Being immortal doesn’t mean I don’t ever get impatient. Believe me, I do. The twenty minutes I had been waiting for Edward seemed . . . well, longer than twenty minutes. I get anxious when I’m worried, uncertain.

“I can’t stay long, unfortunately. I have to get back to La Push. There is something I need to tell all of you, though.” Seth’s eyes lingered on me longer than anyone else. He took in a full breath before continuing. “After you all left Forks, we stopped transforming pretty much right away. Recently, however, we’ve gotten ourselves a little visitor. We haven’t seen the vampire yet, but we’ve caught their scent and have been shape-shifting again. There have been three reported deaths due to ‘animal attacks’ in the past week.” His tone edged towards anger.

‘Animal attacks.’ Those two words brought back vague, yet haunting memories from my human life. When I was like all the others, believing that there really were vicious animals in Forks. That it was animals who killed Charlie’s friend, Waylon Forge. Whoever it is doesn’t seem concerned about the Volturi. If anyone else is killed, the town will become increasingly suspicious of these so-called animal attacks.

Jake kept his eyes fixated on Renesmee. He didn’t want to be apart from her, that much I knew. I didn’t know that he had something to tell me, though—until Edward gave it away. “Jake, are you going to tell her, or should I?” Edward spoke grimly.

“I’d prefer if you told her. I’m not good at this kind of thing. You have more experience than I do.” Jacob’s expression was submissive.

My eyes flickered nervously between Edward and Jacob, my patience tapering off with each passing second. “Will someone just tell me. I can handle it. Whatever it is couldn’t surprise me anymore than everything else I’ve witnessed in my short lifetime.” My lips involuntarily pulled down into a frown as I anticipated the worst.

“Mike Newton was one of the humans who was attacked in Forks, Bella. I’m sorry. I know he was a friend of yours since you moved to Forks. He was home for the Christmas holidays and picked up a few shifts at his family’s store.” Edward lowered his voice with each sentence. “He was closing the store alone, and—”

“He never made it back home.” I finished Edward’s sentence. It took me a few minutes to take everything in. My mind flickered to the memories I still had of Mike, tucked away in the back of my head. His smile. His innocent baby face. His many attempts to get me to date him. I thought about Jessica, too. This won’t be easy for her. Me, well . . . I’m going to have to get used to this type of thing now. This is the life I’ve chosen.

Now that I am different, cold, immortal, death will have to become something routine for me. Something I will deal with constantly. I knew that before I was turned. It’s not like I woke up one day and thought I think I’ll get Edward to turn me into a vampire for the fun of it. I knew the reality of it. The bad parts, and the good. I didn’t react to what Edward just told me, and I could see the confusion dominating everyone’s expressions. The truth is, I didn’t know exactly how to outlet my feelings. As a human, you just cry. It’s easy. Now, I just feel angry when I’m upset. Confused.

“Well, we aren’t going to let you go back alone. If there is a vampire in Forks, I think Charlie and I would be of use. We’re both still very strong. I want to help.” I bit my lower lip, catching Nessie’s worried expression out of the corner of my eye. She just heard Edward say that Mike was killed by this vampire, and here I was offering myself up on a silver platter. I don’t even know what we are facing. It could be an army of vampires. Newborns. Strong, vicious newborns. I reconsidered. Not out of fear for myself, but for Renesmee. If Jacob is gone to La Push, it’s just not fair for me to leave too.

Turns out, I didn’t have a choice. I had to go. Jacob had more to tell me, but he couldn’t say it in front of Nessie. He casually asked me to follow him up the winding staircase, keeping a fake smile plastered on his face so Renesmee wouldn’t sense anything. Edward followed, his porcelain hand brushing the small of my back as we quickly ran up the stairs. Edward already knew what Jacob was going to tell me, of course.

Without wasting even a second, Jake closed the door to Carlisle’s office and began. “This vampire is after you for some reason, Bella. We’re almost certain there’s only one. We found footsteps in the snow all around your cabin in Forks. The window was left open, too. They’ve been inside. At this point, we believe the only way to lure whoever it is out of hiding, is if you were in Forks.” Jake’s voice was filled with certainty.

I wasn’t afraid. I had no choice. If whoever was after me came at me blindsided I would stand less of a chance, so I might as well face this head on, and destroy them. I couldn’t figure out why someone would be out to get me, though. I hadn’t broken any rules—well, nothing I haven’t already suffered for. Edward was just as confused as me, and he refused to let me go back to Forks without him.

“Esme, Rosalie, Carlisle . . . I’m sure someone can stay back and watch Renesmee. She is safe here in New Hampshire. I can’t let you go alone, Bella. I won’t. I’ll be able to read their mind and we’ll be at a great advantage. Alice needs to come, too. She can help us figure out what path the attacker is on.” Edward was already half way back down the stairs before he finished his sentence. He was right, he needed to be there. We needed to be able to read the attackers mind and figure out what they were really after, and why.

Carlisle and Esme stayed back in New Hampshire with Renesmee. I hated leaving her, but I couldn’t let whoever was after me trace my scent to New Hampshire, putting Nessie in direct danger. I had to go to them.

As soon as we got back to Forks, Edward, Charlie and I went directly to our cabin, while Seth and Jacob headed back to La Push to check in with Leah to see if she had seen anything new. Rosalie, Emmett, Alice & Jasper went back to the big white Cullen house to see if anyone had been there.

Jake was right. The attacker was after me. The clothes that were left  in my closet were now flung all over the floor, while Edward’s remained perfectly untouched. I dragged in a deep breath—a habit from my time as a human. I knew this vampire wasn’t afraid. I couldn’t perfectly decipher my emotions, but I knew I wasn’t afraid, either. More anxious. Curious, maybe. But I’m a predator now. I no longer feel fear the same way I used to.

I heard the crackle of sticks outside of the cabin and figured Jake, Paul, and Leah were coming by to make sure everything was okay. Edward crouched low, as if he were ready to spring, and his upper lip pulled over his teeth as he let out a loud growl. Instinctively, I went into the same position. I could see that there was no time for Edward to elaborate on what he had heard, and I sprung through the door after him, Charlie following right after me.

She stood there, cat-like, with her brilliant red hair blowing in the cold winter wind. Her teeth were exposed and she was in a crouch. She was barefoot. My eyes darted down at her shirt. It was my shirt. She was wearing my clothing and this angered me even more. Her eyes were bright red and I couldn’t help but think of the life draining from Mike’s innocent face between her deadly grip. I let out a loud growl that echoed through the forest. I could hear the wolves running, their paws racing toward us.

It wasn’t her, though . . . that I knew.




Dear Diary (A Third Charm)

I couldn’t help but feel somewhat suspicious when Edward asked me to remove my bracelet, the one that Jacob gave me with the wooden wolf—that was later accompanied by Edward’s diamond heart. His face was unreadable, blank. I half smiled and shifted my eyes from left to right, insinuating that I wanted an explanation. But he wasn’t about to give me one.

Edward’s request turned into more of a demand when he held his long, pale hand out for me to drop the bracelet into. This time he smiled and the smile just met his eyes. I could see that Edward was not about to give me any answers, but before I handed my bracelet over to him, I asked if I would at least get it back. He looked slightly shocked by my question, and his velvety voice shot back with a quick, “Of course you get it back, Bella.”

Before he took off up stairs, Edward grabbed my hand and pressed his perfect, smooth, lips onto the top of it, then assured me that he would be back soon with my bracelet. He was not even gone for a second before I began to run through a mental list of reasons why Edward would take my bracelet.

When I couldn’t think of a single realistic idea, I asked Renesmee, who was sitting at the mini piano Edward bought for her. “Sweetheart, what you’re playing sounds great!” I was trying to butter her up, too, in case Edward asked her not to tell me. It was true, though, she was already such an amazing piano player. Renesmee smiled, that beautiful angelic smile, and I continued to pry. “Did Daddy mention anything about my bracelet to you? The one that Jacob gave me with the wolf on it?” I started to feel guilty at this point, realizing that if Edward didn’t tell me, there’s probably a good reason.

I was happy when Nessie’s answer didn’t give anything away. Her little fingers paused above the piano keys, and without looking up at me she softly spoke. “No Mommy, sorry.” She continued playing her piano, flooding the house with a beautiful melody.

Why would Edward have told Renesmee? I felt silly for even asking. If Edward didn’t want me to know, the last person he would tell is the first person I would go to. That didn’t stop me from asking Alice, though. When I went upstairs to where the rest of the Cullen’s live, Alice and Jasper were in one of the offices flipping through a sports car catalog, and I pretended to be interested. I didn’t get away with it for long before Alice asked what was up. She knew there was no way I was taking a sudden interest in anything automobile related.

I tried to seem casual. Again, Alice wasn’t having it. She knew exactly what information I was trying to get out of her, and made a comment about how, for an immortal, I was extremely impatient. She was right. I was letting my curiosity almost drive me insane. I told myself I would wait, pushed it out of my head and went back downstairs to listen to Renesmee play her piano.

About two hours went by before I heard Edward come down the stairs into our little home in the basement of the Cullens’ new house. Even though two hours is nothing to me now, because I am an immortal, any time away from Edward makes me miss him. The time doesn’t go by slow, but it has little to no substance without him. Needless to say, I was happy to see Edward, and it wasn’t only because I wanted my bracelet back.

Without even the slightest hesitation, or even a hello, Edward waved for me and Renesmee to follow him upstairs. When I got up there, everyone was standing in the front foyer and they all turned to face me. Rosalie shocked me with her welcoming smile, but even that didn’t stand out as much as Jacob, who was sitting on the floor with his arms wrapped around his knees. He seemed sad. Nessie walked over to him and sat down next to him, leaning on him as though she knew he wasn’t his usual sunny self.

Edward placed one arm around the small of my  back and with his other hand he gave me a plain, chocolate-brown, satin-covered box. For a second I couldn’t help but wonder why Edward was re-giving me my bracelet. I could tell it was the bracelet by the long, thin shape of the box. Everyone was watching, though, so I stopped wondering and gently flipped open the satiny brown box.

I felt everyone staring at me as I scanned my bracelet, that had a wooden wolf and diamond heart dangling from it. There was something else now, though. It was oval shaped, and made of metal. I took in a deep breath when I saw the Cullen Crest charm, with three shamrocks, a lion and a hand above the lion. Under the three shamrocks was the name ‘Cullen’ inscribed into the metal. My jaw dropped and somehow I felt warm, almost hot, inside.

I was hit, again, with the realization that I am really part of this family that once seemed so mysterious to me. To me, having this crest makes it even more official. . . as if being turned into a vampire wasn’t enough.

I ran my finger over the surface of the crest, and felt something slightly bumpy on the back of the charm. I glanced up at Edward before I flipped it over and he had the most beautiful, peaceful, smile slowly moving its way across his face. When I glanced back down at the other side of the charm I saw the words, You are my life now inscribed in Edward’s perfect, identifiable, handwriting. I thought I felt my heart thud, just once, then stop again.

The charm is beautiful. I can’t even put into words how grateful I am to be part of this family, officially. It was technically official when I married Edward, of course, but to me, this was the Cullens’ way of welcoming me into their family for eternity. We are immortals, vampires, and when someone new comes into this family. . . well, you’re stuck with them forever. I’m honored that the Cullen’s want me to be around forever.

I could tell by Jacob’s forced enthusiasm that he was feeling left out, especially after Emmett assured Charlie and Nessie that they were having something special made for them. They will both be getting a Cullen crest, but because Jacob isn’t one of us, a vampire, I assume he won’t be included. I wanted to change that. Sure, he’s not married to a Cullen, and he is a werewolf. . . the furthest thing  from a vampire, but he is still part of this family.

I made up my mind. I was going to talk to the Cullen’s. I had to at least ask, for Jake’s sake. Did they agree to make Jacob, my best friend who happens to be a werewolf, a Cullen crest? Come check out my diary next week to find out!


EDIT: Looking for a new love story to read? I have written a novella called, ‘My Darrling.’ (This is not the Willow series I’ve been working on, rather it’s a small side project. The first book in the Willow series will be up in the early portion of this year). For now, I’m so excited for you to check out the novella I’ve written:

You can read a preview and purchase ‘My Darrling’ HERE. I can’t thank you all enough for your endless support, and I promise to run contests to give back as soon as my books get off the ground!

For those of you who’d like to follow the progress of my Willow series, please ‘LIKE’ it on Facebook here. You can also read a tiny preview if you click ‘info’.

Feel free to stop by my personal blog here, where I post songs, pictures and will soon be giving more previews from ‘Willow.’ Thank you all so much for reading and for the support and encouragement you’ve all given. You have no idea how important your encouragement and kind words has been.

Lots of love,




Dear Diary (Stupid Lamb)

They made me dress up for Halloween. Well, Alice did. Edward didn’t make any attempt at coming to my rescue, though. Instead he grinned, dazzling me, like I know he will for eternity. I was a little confused by everyone’s excitement over Halloween. The Cullen’s have been around for so many years that I assumed they would be bored of these types of occasions by now.

Was I ever wrong.

Alice decorated the entire inside and outside of our new home in New Hampshire. By the time she was finished, the house was unrecognizable. Emmett and Jasper helped, while Rosalie, Carlisle, Esme, Jacob and Nessie got their costumes and makeup ready. Alice didn’t have a costume yet, so she assured Edward and I that once she was done with decorating we would all go costume shopping together.

I had no idea what costume I would end up with, and to be honest, I didn’t care. My mind was being entertained by the thought of Edward dressed up. I pictured him dressed up in various different costumes and couldn’t help but smile at the thought of each one. But Edward could dress up as a garbage can and somehow still look beautiful, perfect.

We arrived at the giant costume warehouse where there were literally rows and rows of costumes. I didn’t know where to begin. Without even the slightest hesitation, Alice was already off rummaging through the extensive costume lineup. She had to pick one out for Jasper, too, which explained why we ran into her in the men’s section while we were looking for Edward’s costume.

The almost overly friendly sales lady – who was dressed up like a nurse that you’d find in an ‘adults only’ hospital – approached us, her eyes fixated on Edward. She made sure to swing her perfectly styled blonde ringlets fervently as she asked Edward if he needed any help. For someone so perfect and graceful, Edward seemed stiff and awkward. I knew he was reading the overly amiable girls mind, and I started to feel annoyed by her.


I hated feeling jealous. I tried to keep calm, but to be honest, the thought of tearing the girl apart crossed my mind more than once.

Without looking at her, Edward told the sales lady that we would not require her help, then wrapped his arm around my waist and continued browsing though costumes. I wrapped my arm around him, too, and kissed him softly on the shoulder. Without looking up, I knew the lady had disappeared. I appreciated Edward’s obvious lack of interest in her and was happy she finally took the hint. I wasn’t sure how much more of her hair flipping and giggles I could take.

Alice danced gracefully in front of me holding the most hideous bunch of material I had ever seen. It was green and blue with flimsy feathers all over it. I was about to ask her what on earth she had in her hand, but she answered before I got the words out.

“It’s a peacock. Look how pretty it is.” She gracefully unraveled the giant costume to show Edward and I exactly what it looked like, and we both nodded as I reached out to feel the feathers.

“Very… nice, Alice.” I tried to sound convincing.

Alice rolled her eyes at Edward and I, then dove back into the costume racks to find something for Jasper. My eyes followed Alice, then froze instantly when I saw the perfect costume for me hanging there, a few rows away from where Edward and I were standing. Right beside it I saw the perfect costume for Edward. My jaw dropped as I realized I had found the most amazing Halloween costumes for us. There they hung – side-by-side – as though they were meant to be together.

The white lamb costume was a full body piece that came with ears and foot coverings. The lion costume, which was hanging right next to the lamb, came with a full body piece, a tail and lion head covering. I didn’t even have to think about it. Edward was my masochistic lion, and I was his stupid lamb. Although I’m a strong, bloodthirsty vampire now, I will still always be Edward’s stupid lamb. Always.

Edward was just as excited about the costumes as I was. “They’re perfect, Bella.” His golden eyes lit up as he grabbed them off the rack. Alice didn’t understand why we chose the lion and lamb costumes, but she did agree that they were ‘cute.’ I half smiled at the giant heart costume Alice was holding, wondering why on earth she picked out a costume for Jasper that was more suitable for Valentine’s Day.

“Lovebird. I’m a bird, and he’s a heart. Get it?” Alice smirked and practically danced over to the cashier to pay. It was obvious that, after all these years they were running our of ideas. Poor Jasper.

When we got back home, Emmett, Rosalie, Carlisle and Esme already had their costumes on. Rosalie, who dressed up like Marilyn Monroe, couldn’t stop laughing at Emmett’s costume. I couldn’t figure out what his costume was supposed to be until Emmett whispered, “I’m an atomic wedgie” in my ear, then turned around to show me the very creative costume that was literally an atomic wedgie. I couldn’t help but laugh right along with Rosalie.

Carlisle and Esme were dressed as an old granny and old grandpa. They will never have the chance to look like elderly people, so they went all out with their costumes, comb overs and all. It was nice to see them having so much fun. Charlie was the least interested in this whole ‘dress up’ thing and simply put on his old cop uniform. His bright, eerie red eyes looked like they could be part of the costume, though.

Jacob asked if he could pick a costume out for Nessie, so we told him to go ahead, but I let him know that if we didn’t like it, we had a cute little princess costume waiting. When I asked Jacob what he was going to dress up as, he told me it was a surprise. When I saw him walking in the back door with a pale face, red lips, crimson contacts and fake blood all over his mouth and clothing I let out a quick laugh and sarcastically mentioned something about how creative he was. Unfortunately for Edward, nothing is a surprise and he already heard in Jacob’s thoughts earlier that he was dressing up as a vampire.

Edward also knew Nessie would be dressed up as a werewolf. Rosalie snorted when she saw Nessie’s costume and I shot a quick glare in her direction. I thought Renesmee looked perfectly cute. It was only a costume, after all. To my surprise, Rosalie got over it quickly and was all smiles again when the trick-or-treaters started to ring the doorbell.

Alice got loads of candy imported from all over the world to make sure we handed out the best candy in town. Everything was full size, and the kids’ eyes lit up when they saw all the unique candy we were giving out. The front yard was a haunted maze with scary Halloween music and mummies that had motion detectors and would jump out when the kids walked by. Alice did a great job designing that.

We kept Jasper as far away from the kids as possible, and Carlisle stayed hovered over the front door to make sure everything went smoothly. We all have great control over our thirst, of course, but we always play it as safe as possible. We are ruled by our thirst for blood and, no matter how hard we try to fight it, it’s in our nature to kill.

When everything was over we all took our costumes off, except Jacob. He kept his vampire costume on. He liked it, I could tell. Sometimes I worry that he wishes he could be like us. I know it’s hard being the only one who’s completely different. When I was human and spent most of my time at the large white house in Forks, I felt the same way. I wanted  so badly to be one of them. We do our best, with the exception of Rosalie, to make sure he doesn’t feel too different. Regardless of what Jacob is, he will always be a part of our family.

After we put Nessie to sleep, Edward and I went hunting. My throat was burning more than usual after being around so many humans and I needed to soothe the pain, but I also wanted to spend some alone time with Edward. We had fun hunting, and looking up at the stars afterward. He confessed that he loved our costumes and I told him that no matter what, I would always be his stupid lamb. I did give up life for him, which was the stupidest, yet smartest thing I’d ever done.


EDIT: Looking for a new dark love story to read? I have written a novella called, ‘My Darrling.’ (This is not the Willow series I’ve been working on, rather it’s a small side project.). You can read a preview and purchase ‘My Darrling’ HERE.




Dear Diary (Unfinished)

Edward and I were in the middle of laughing about something when his face went blank, expressionless. After a couple of seconds his eyebrows knitted together and his lips pulled down on the sides. We were pulling into the driveway of our house, so I assumed he heard something in someones thoughts, but before I had the chance to ask, he was already inside. I followed quickly behind him and within a few seconds I understood exactly why Edward had such a rapid change in mood.

Nahuel was sitting shyly on the cream colored couch, his eyes darting expeditiously from Rosalie to Jacob and resting a few seconds longer on Renesmee. My jaw dropped and I let out a loud threatening hiss that I half startled myself with. My eyes were locked on the back of Rosalie’s head, and although I knew she was aware that Edward and I were standing there, she would not turn around.

As Edward approached Rosalie, I stood at the door, in my now half crouch, afraid to go near her. I was afraid of what I would do to her after she blatantly refused to respect our wishes. Jacob glanced over at me, then made his way over to let me know exactly what had happened. He kept his voice to a low whisper, which somehow made me relax my stone hard body. “I had no idea Rosalie was arranging this the whole time behind our backs. Nessie was with me out back in my place, then after about an hour Rosalie called her over to the house. I came over with Nessie and…”  Jacob paused, then glanced over at Nahuel and continued. “That hybrid child was standing in here. Rosalie keeps insisting she just wants a friend for Nessie. Someone who… who understands her.” He put his head down, almost as if he were ashamed of something.

I knew Jacob was going to start to actually believe that Nahuel was better for Renesmee. I remember a time when I felt like I wasn’t good enough for Edward, so I know exactly how he was feeling. I was disappointed in Jake, though. I thought after everything he witnessed between Edward and I that he would know, first hand, that it’s okay to be different. Edward taught me so much about myself, about life. I taught Edward a lot, too. We learned, and grew, from each others differences. We never gave up on each other, despite the seemingly impossible. I know there is no way Jacob could ever give up on Renesmee. I mean, he has imprinted. I just don’t want him to give up on himself. To actually believe that he’s not good enough for Renesmee. I can’t predict the future, that’s Alice’s job, but I know one day Nessie might fall in love with Jacob. I also know that I can’t think of a better person in this world that I would rather see her fall in love with.

I assured Jacob that there is no one better for Nessie. Jacob is her best friend. He protects her, makes her laugh and has helped her understand the meaning of unconditional love. We both agreed that it would be absolutely fine for Renesmee to be friends with Nahuel, but we weren’t going about it Rosalie’s way. It was almost as though she was trying to perform some sort of delusional arranged marriage. She wants things her way, regardless of if it makes Nessie happy, and I wont allow that to happen.

I could see Edward was trying to walk a line between furious and welcoming. He didn’t want to make Nahuel feel unwelcome. After all, this was not Nahuel’s fault, and we truly do not disapprove of Nessie being friends with him – we just don’t want Rosalie forcing them together, and shutting Jacob out while doing so. This isn’t her call to make.

Edward was mumbling, almost whispering something to Rosalie and she retorted in a loud, sarcastic sounding voice. “So Renesmee isn’t allowed to have friends other than Jacob? Because that’s really healthy for a child, to only have one friend.” She rolled her eyes and something in me snapped. I wasn’t afraid I would hurt her, I know I’m better than that. But, I was going to give her a piece of my mind.

I flew into the room where they were all standing awkwardly, yet still gracefully. I saw Carlisle’s eyes grow larger than normal out of my peripheral view as I stood there, face to face with Rosalie, my eyes locked on her seemingly confused eyes. For the first time since I have known Rosalie, I gave her an unabbreviated piece of my mind. “Listen, Rosalie. I like Nahuel. I love Renesmee. I love Jacob. This has nothing to do with Edward and I not wanting Nessie to have friends. That is completely ridiculous. I see what you are trying to do, and that is what makes me angry. You’re bothered by the fact that in this crazy world of vampires and werewolves, that Renesmee’s best friend happens to be a werewolf. Sure, imprinting might seem weird to you, and it seems weird to me, too. Craving human blood seems weird to Jacob, though, but it’s not something we can change. We can’t help the fact that we thirst for innocent humans, just like Jacob can’t help what he is.” I stopped for a moment, surprised by Rosalie’s expression. She was listening to everything I said. Her face looked softer, her features relaxed.

I lowered my voice once I knew that some of what I was saying was getting through to her, and continued. “Look, I understand that you were forced to do things in your life that… that you would not have chosen on your own. But that should have made you realize more than anyone that it’s not okay. It’s not okay to be forced to do something that you don’t feel in your heart. I don’t want Renesmee to feel obligated to like or dislike anyone. She can and will make her own decisions, and if you try to influence them anymore, I will have no choice but to leave – to take Nessie away from you so that you can’t do this to her anymore.” I felt Edward slip his hand around my waist, as though he was reinforcing everything I said.

Rosalie nodded her head, folded her hands together then walked out of the room. She didn’t say a word. She didn’t even say goodbye to Nahuel. I apologized to Nahuel for everything before he left and thankfully he understood. Alice walked him out and let him know that he was welcome to come back anytime. I half laughed to myself  as I thought of how dysfunctional Nahuel must think we all are, and that he probably would never take Alice up on her offer to come visit anytime soon.

A few minutes after Rosalie left the room, I followed after her. I didn’t want any hostility between us and I needed to know that she wouldn’t continue trying to control Nessie’s life. Everything felt so unfinished. So fragmented. Edward tried to follow behind, but I asked that he let me talk to her alone.

I have to go now, Alice and I are going shopping for Halloween decorations. She wants to make the new house the spookiest house on the street. This should be interesting. I will write again next week and let you know how our talk and the Halloween decorating went.


EDIT: Looking for a new dark love story to read? I have written a novella called, ‘My Darrling.’ (This is not the Willow series I’ve been working on, rather it’s a small side project.). You can read a preview and purchase ‘My Darrling’ HERE.




Dear Diary (I Understand)

Renesmee asked me, for the first time, if I have ever killed a human. She asked Edward, too. Her chocolate brown eyes were rich with curiosity, which caught me off guard. I wasn’t expecting this question so soon. I could tell by her casual tone of voice that she didn’t care either way, she wouldn’t think of us any differently, she just wanted to know. But how do I tell my perfect little angel, my Nudger, that I haven’t just killed one human, but I’ve killed two? How was Edward going to explain his past?

I remember being in Nessie’s situation. Curious. Thirsting for answers. I remember needing to know about the beautiful boy with the pale skin who took over my dreams at night. I also remember knowing that no matter what, I wouldn’t have judged Edward. When he told me he had killed humans, I loved him just as much. I was almost certain Renesmee wouldn’t look at us differently if she knew.

I let Edward into my head briefly to show him that I wanted to tell Renesmee the truth. His golden eyes pierced into mine, making me lose my train of thought for half a second, then he nodded in agreeance. I opened my mouth slightly, contemplating how to start, and before I got anything out, to my relief, Edward began speaking.”Renesmee, your Mother and I have had to face certain situations in life, because we are different. Things we can’t control. I can assure you, though, that we have never taken the life of anyone who was a good person.” He paused, looking down as if he wished he could take the words back, then continued, trying to justify what he just said. “I know it is not our role to play God, to decide if someone should live, or die. I will never claim that we did the right thing, but we are flawed. We have had to work hard to obtain the control we have now. Once you are a bit older, I plan on explaining my history to you. I want you to know everything about what we are, and understand everything that comes with being different.” Edward wrapped his hand around Nessie’s head and pulled her in close to him. I didn’t have anything left to say. Edward said everything perfectly.

Renesmee lightly pulled herself back from Edward so she could see his face and in her soft, innocent voice said “I Understand.” Her face was angelic and I could tell she was satisfied with Edward’s answer. When she looked over at me, I smiled and opened my arms for her to come give me a hug. Jacob knocked on the door just as Nessie gave me a small kiss on the cheek and I wondered how his timing was so perfect. I assumed he was listening outside of the door.

Jacob wanted to take Nessie on her first official tour of parts of New Hampshire. He also wanted to borrow Edward’s car. We know Renesmee will always be safe if she’s with Jacob, so it’s never an issue with us when he wants to take her somewhere. I know he would die before he let something happen to her. When Edward reads Jacob’s mind, he can hear how fiercely protective he is of Renesmee, and that, of course, puts Edward at ease.

Without even the slightest hesitation, Edward threw his car keys at Jacob and suggested some spots to take Nessie that he thought she would like. Edward’s face turned serious and his eyebrows knitted together for half a second as he reminded Jake to have Nessie back by her bedtime. Jake reassured us he would have her back more than early enough for bedtime, then grabbed her by her little, perfect hand and they left.

Edward talked to Carlisle about Rosalie and her attempts to take Nessie to visit Nahuel without mine or Edward’s consent. Edward simply explained that he doesn’t want to have to move away from the rest of the Cullen’s, but if this continues, Edward and I might have to move into our own house, away from Rosalie, in order to protect Nessie. It’s not that I don’t want Nessie to know Nahuel, because eventually I’m sure they will be friends. It’s just that I know Jacob loves Nessie with everything he has in him and I don’t want to cause any hostility between Nahuel and Jacob. I know that anyone who tries to take Nessie away from Jake could get hurt. He has imprinted on her and he will be there, always. Right now I just feel as though she is too young to have to worry about anything. She will be mature enough to make her own decisions soon – and that’s all I want, is for her to make her own choices based on what she feels in her heart. Not based on what Rosalie thinks would be better for her.

Carlisle is going to have a talk with Rosalie when the time is right, and let her know that Edward and I would rather leave than have to worry, constantly, about Nessie being forced into something. I decided on Edward based on nothing but my heart – and I want the same for Renesmee. I love Edward more than I could ever put into words and I hope that one day Nessie will get to feel the same way about someone.

I will write again soon, and let you all know what happened following Rosalie’s talk with Carlisle. Things definitely got… interesting.


EDIT: Looking for a new dark love story to read? I have written a novella called, ‘My Darrling.’ (This is not the Willow series I’ve been working on, rather it’s a small side project.). You can read a preview and purchase ‘My Darrling’ HERE.




Dear Diary (Trying To Adapt)

I quit. I can’t do this school thing over and over for my entire lifetime. What is the point of living forever if you are living the same life repeatedly, only in a different part of the world? I don’t know how they all do it. Rosalie and Emmett, Jasper and Alice… they go to school everyday, enduring all the strange looks, the whispers, and on top of it all they are constantly fighting the urge to attack and kill people to soothe the almost overwhelming burning sensation in their throats. And Edward, he literally has to listen to all the voices, their sometimes not so pleasant thoughts.

It isn’t the burning, scorching pain in my throat that I can’t handle. That, is the least of my worries. What is hard, though, is lying. Every morsel of my existence is a lie. I’m not really in school to learn. I have a lifetime to do that. I’m not just ‘dating’ Edward, he is my husband. I am not really eating the slimy slice of pizza on my plate at lunch time. And, I’m not avoiding people because I’m shy, that is just what I want people to think. I’m avoiding them so that I don’t risk exposure. My biggest fear is that I will somehow cause our kind to be exposed. Last time I risked it my Father had to become a vampire to save me, and himself.

When Edward and I walked into our first class I noticed Edward’s eyes squint and he let out a low hiss, too low for human ears to catch, but it sent my mind into overdrive. What did he hear? I was curious about what everyone was thinking, but terrified to know at the same time. I didn’t ask.

Although I’ve become moderately used to the staring, I could never get used to walking into a classroom and having every head in the room turn to look at Edward and I. I could never get used to people whispering, nonstop, about how Edward and I seem ‘different.’ Edward has had to endure this for so long that he is desensitized to it all. He does get mad when he hears anything about me in people’s thoughts, though. Particularly boys thoughts. He refuses to tell me exactly what they’re thinking, and I don’t ask. I don’t really care to know.

I was pleasantly surprised to see that Edward, and the rest of the Cullens, were not mad at me for my decision to no longer attend school here. They understood. Rosalie, surprisingly, was the most understanding and she made a few good points that helped melt my guilt away. “We lie about everything else as it is, Bella, it’s not like another lie about you choosing to be home schooled is going to make any difference. I think it’s safer this way. If you are not comfortable with this new life yet, it will show. No one is rushing you. Take your time and maybe you will be ready to go back to school the next time we relocate.” Her lips were stiff, her face expressionless, almost as though she was struggling to be nice. She had some good points, though.

I’m not ready. Time goes by so fast for me now that it seems like I was just turned. There is so much to adapt to still. Just because I am doing well with controlling my thirst doesn’t mean I will be good at fabricating stories about our lives and actually passing them off as real. I have never been a good liar.

Alice, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett are still attending school. They have fun with it. Alice and Jasper are juniors, while Rosalie and Emmett are seniors. Edward  has decided to stay back and pretend to be home schooled with me. Carlisle thinks it’s for the best, too. Edward would become miserable attending school, alone, without even one member of his family there. Understandable.

I’m still getting used to the new house. It’s so… ostentatious. I’m not complaining. We do need quite a lot of house to accommodate our large family – it’s just dissimilar. In an attempt to help me get used to New Hampshire, Edward took me on a scenic drive. We ended up in a town called Wolfeboro, ironically. What’s more ironic, though, is that afterwards Edward took me to Crescent Lake. The mere thought of that word, crescent, made me wrap my hand around my wrist and gave me vague flash backs of James. I will always have the memory of almost being taken away from Edward. It is now extremely vague, but it’s there.

Regardless of the memories, I had fun with Edward. We walked along the lake, watched the sunset and talked a lot. Edward is excited to start our new life and make new memories here, in New Hampshire. I know that no matter where I am in this world, as long as I’m with Edward, I’ll be fine. It doesn’t mean I will ever fully adapt to  continuously moving and living ceaselessly while every human around me passes away, but I’ll be fine. Edward is worth everything. I would, and did, give my life for him.

Once the sun set, we hunted in the forest nearby. The deer taste slightly different here. They aren’t quite as sweet as they are in Forks. Still good though. I started to miss Renesmee, and Edward could tell by the wandering expression on my face. He took my hand in his, and we ran back to my truck together, slowing to a walk as we got closer to the road we were parked on. Edward doesn’t mind driving my truck now. Since it has been redone, I noticed he actually wants to drive it… sometimes.

When we got back to the house, Jacob and Rosalie were arguing about something to do with Renesmee. Edward heard the argument in their heads and snorted at Rosalie, his lips curled down in disgust. “You do not have permission to take Renesmee anywhere, Rosalie. Argument over.” Edward glanced at Jacob, then back at Rosalie. “Jake, perhaps you could take Nessie back to your house for a bit. Bella and I will come grab her when it’s her bedtime.” Edward’s face was expressionless, his eyes were locked on Rosalie’s face even though he was speaking to Jacob. I instinctively grabbed Renesmee and placed her in Jacob’s arms.

When we went downstairs to our own little house, Edward explained that Rosalie was arguing with Jacob because she wanted to take Nessie on a trip, but, of course, Jacob wouldn’t let Rosalie take Nessie anywhere. She wanted him to keep it from Edward and I, too. Her plan was to take Nessie to see Nahuel, the other half vampire, half human. She asked Jacob to tell Edward and I that they simply went on a little trip, but thankfully, Jacob refused to let Nessie go anywhere. I don’t think Rosalie understands the impact that imprinting has on the wolves. Jacob would never let Renesmee go, ever.

I am so thankful that Jacob was there when Rosalie decided to attempt to take Renesmee. Edward is going to have a talk with Carlisle about Renesmee’s safety around Rosalie. I’m having a hard time trusting her right now, for obvious reasons. I just hope this doesn’t cause a rift in the family. I feel guilty, always. I understand that I was just this fragile human who came into this family after they already knew each other for years and years. I’m not trying to come between anyone, but I have to protect my daughter. Bottom line.

I will keep you all updated on everything here, so keep checking back to snoop through my diary.


EDIT: Looking for a new dark love story to read? I have written a novella called, ‘My Darrling.’ (This is not the Willow series I’ve been working on, rather it’s a small side project.). You can read a preview and purchase ‘My Darrling’ HERE.



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