Dear Diary (Hope & Fear)

I made sure Edward and I were not on the same team—competition can be healthy, after all. Alice, Charlie, Carlisle and I played  against Edward, Esme, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett. We gave their team an extra member to make up for the fact that our team had two strong new vampires.

My team lost—by a long shot. We had fun, though. Charlie was strong, but Edward’s speed  is hard to beat. We regretted giving them an extra member about half way through, once we realized we weren’t going to win. To be honest, I wasn’t keeping track of the score—I was too fixated on Edward, watching him so flawlessly dart through the trees, his sanguine expression . . . he melts me.

I don’t know how I can be so dead, yet feel so alive. I always feel so alive around Edward. When he’s having fun, his smile beams. He can almost make me crumble, regardless of my newly acquired strength.

Jacob and Renesmee played in the soaking-wet outfield—mostly just watching in amazement as the ball flew over their heads and out of their sight—while the blurred images of vampires shot in and out of the trees. Nessie has the strength to keep up with us, and she’s actually grown so much. She’s actually taking after Edward height-wise, but she insisted on staying in the field with Jacob.

While we were playing, Edward overheard Jacob’s thoughts and for the first time ever, Jacob was envious of us. Of vampires. Edward heard him wondering what it would be like to be able to have the strength and abilities we have. He was also thinking about how seamless his relationship with Nessie would be if he were a vampire. I never thought Jacob would think this way. He always seems so happy with himself—he’s always been my own personal sun, so bright and happy. Even when Jacob felt rejected after I chose Edward over him, he still never thought about life as one of us. It’s odd, actually, how things can change. Opinions change, people change, life changes.

When I checked my email today there were three messages from Renee. All sent within a seven hour time frame. The first one outlined how everything in her life was going “okay,” and how she wanted to come to Forks soon to see everyone. The tone, though written, gave away her dreary mood.

The second was sent almost immediately after the first, just because she accidentally sent the first too fast, before mentioning that she was available to come this weekend. She sent the third about seven hours later, and it pretty much consisted of her questioning why I haven’t gotten back yet, and a few blurbs about how she’s worried and will call if she doesn’t hear back soon.

I responded right away.

Renee is good at worrying, and the last thing I want is for her to become suspicious of anything.

After talking it over with everyone, I told Renee she should come for a visit at the end of the week. We are going to stay at Charlie’s house, and everyone will visit, of course. Renee insisted on staying in a hotel, but I told her she should save her money and just take my room. It’s not like I’ll need it, after all.

As for Charlie’s eyes—although he’s not happy about it—we’ve gotten him what seems like a human’s lifetime supply of brown contact lenses. Charlie’s suggestion wasn’t the most clever: he thought we could get away with telling Renee that red contacts were the “new thing.” I assured him she would catch on once she realized no one else was wearing them. He tried.

I already know I’ll be a nervous wreck when Renee is visiting. She can’t find out what we are. Last time a family member found out, he ended up becoming one of us in order to stay alive. This is not the life I would want for Renee. I mean, she’s a little ‘out there,’ but this is too much. They would try to destroy me, too. If Renee ever found out, another battle would ensue. I refuse to let that happen. I could never do anything to put my perfect angel in danger, either.

Time flies when you’re an immortal, and I know Renee’s visit will be fast. She will only be here for two short days. I can handle that, I think. It’s odd, actually, that a group of vicious, talented, exceedingly-strong vampires don’t scare me as much as Renee, a human. Of course, I’m more worried about her than anything, but worried nonetheless.

I hope I have nothing but good news to write in my next entry. I will update you all on Renee’s visit. Here’s to hoping for the best and fearing the worst.


EDIT: Looking for a new dark love story to read? I have written a novella called, ‘My Darrling.’ (This is not the Willow series I’ve been working on, rather it’s a small side project.). You can read a preview and purchase ‘My Darrling’ here!