Dear Diary (Part 1: The Ending)

I can’t help but compare my life to the intricately written chapters of a book; chapters written to display the fatal attraction humans will forever have to the forbidden fruit. The attraction we have to the unknown.

To danger.

Humans like to play with fire sometimes – just to see if they’ll get burned.

I feel my story has ventured through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, but one thing that’s stayed consistent – whether I was human, or a vampire – is my irrevocable love for Edward Cullen; my personal miracle. He was once the forbidden fruit, the danger, and now he’s the sweet apple that rests in the palm of my hands; no longer virulent, no longer fatal.

That’s how I see it.

Edward, on the other hand, still struggles with the thick, unrelenting, haunting thought that he’s robbed me of my soul. My purity. The truth is, if my soul was sacrificed for this immortal life, then I robbed myself of it. To live this way, to die in order to be conscience –frozen – forever with Edward, was my choice.

Everything I’ve done, everything I’ve been through, I’d so it all over again to stay with him for eternity, forever.  To have Renesmee. To be part of this family; to be a Cullen. I would do it all again.

The pain.

The burning.

The sacrifice; it was all worth it.

On Monday March 28th, Edward and I will be heading back to Dartmouth College, like we had planned. I’m worried, but I know I couldn’t hurt anyone. Though it’s my instinct – to hunt, to kill – I know that I couldn’t carry on, for eternity, with the reality that I’d killed someone; taken an innocent human’s life. I did hunt down and kill those criminals who almost robbed Charlie of his life, but I felt that was justified. They were the furthest thing from innocent.

I think about Jasper and how difficult it was for him to resist the sweet–smelling bouquet of human blood back when I had just moved to Forks; how he almost turned me into a snack at the Birthday party that Alice the Cullen’s threw for me. Yet, he attended Forks High School almost every day – except, of course, on those extremely rare days it was actually sunny. He fought his natural instincts to feed on the mass of humans who walked past him or sat near him every day. His face gave away his struggles, yes, but he didn’t kill. He knew he had something good with the Cullens.

A family.

I’ve naturally always had more control than Jasper, so I think I’ll be okay. Besides, I’ll have Edward close by. He’s my constant reminder to practice control, to never slip up. If I did, the Volturi wouldn’t waste a second on my destruction. Leaving this world, leaving Edward, Renesmee, Jake, Alice… everyone I love, could never be worth the satiation of my thirst. It’s what I’ve been telling myself since I was turned. Control is the most important thing if I want to be here, with everyone I love, for this forever of ours.

Charlie went to visit Sue just a few days ago. He wanted to go to Forks, to his old white house, to adjust the heating now that the temperatures have dropped even more. We winterized Charlie’s house already, but we hadn’t anticipated such cold weather and only barely left the heat on enough to prevent the plaster and pipes from freezing. He needed to turn it up slightly to accommodate the new plummeting temperatures.

That was his excuse, anyway.

He let us know he would be seeing Sue before he left Forks. Edward already knew. He told me that Sue had been dominating Charlie’s thoughts since he’d last seen her. He missed her. Charlie knew Sue was angry about what he’d become. She felt as though his decision to be turned stole away any chance they had to form a bond, even a friendship. Sue is, after all, the Mother of two wolves, while Charlie is the Father of one vampire Daughter and a Grandfather to a half–human, half–vampire Granddaughter.

Sue’s loyalty will forever be to Harry Clearwater, her late husband. But Sue’s children – Seth and Leah – are part of our family now, regardless of what they are. We’ve done the impossible: found a way to work together with our mortal enemies. There is no reason for Sue to see it differently. And she is warming up.

When Charlie arrived back in New Hampshire he seemed happier, more animated.

“How was your visit to Forks, Dad?” I asked, mirroring his light, contented expression.

His pale face lit up more. “It was great, Bells. I turned the heat up a bit more to keep the place from freezing over.”

“You see Sue?”

“I did. She’s doing well.” His lips pulled up slightly on both sides, traces of a smile breaking through. “She asked me to say ‘hi’ to you all.”

I smiled. “Dad, I think you should spend more time with Sue. It’s just that we’re all coupled up, you know? I have Edward, Jake has Renesmee, Alice has Jasper… you get the point. I–”

Charlie interrupted me. “I do plan on it Bells. Sue’s special to me and I don’t mind taking my time with her. She’s been through a lot, too, and I don’t want to come on too strong. She has every right to be afraid of me right now. She’s human, after all. You might know a little something about the dangers of human/vampire relationships, I’d assume?”

I rolled my eyes, but Charlie was right. Though he admitted that Sue’s blood wasn’t even remotely appealing to him, Charlie was still a threat. Vampires need blood to survive, and that will never change. Our kind have killed so many innocent humans that it’s hard to understand that, with enough control and willpower, we can be compassionate.

“I have a little experience, yes,” I muttered guiltily, glancing back down at the book I was working on. “And as long as you’re happy, Ch Dad. I’ll always feel guilty about you getting in the middle of this crazy world and becoming this” – I pointed my finger back and fourth between Charlie and I – “all for me. For my life.”

“Bells, you know I chose this. I wasn’t going to bury my Daughter. That’s not how life should be; your kids should be the ones to bury you, not the other way around. I chose this.”

I sucked in a breath and nodded. “Just Be happy, Dad. Always.”

He smiled. “I will, I will. You too. Eternity’s a long time to be anything but.”

Edward walked into the room, his sweet scent trickling through my nose. He just got in from outside where he was building a snow fort with Renesemee and Jacob. I looked out the window when they were about half way done and decided it looked more like a snow mansion. One of the perks of super–human speed and strength.

Charlie nodded. “Edward.”

“Nice to see you’re back Charlie. I hope your time in Forks went well.”

“I’m sure you can hear all about it thanks to your lovely prying abilities,” Charlie joked.

Edward grinned and my eyes froze on his face. I would never get immune to that grin. “I try to stay away from your thoughts, Charlie, but I do catch them unintentionally at times.”

Charlie laughed, a loud booming laugh I didn’t think he was capable of. “It’s you I’m worried about. I must bore you to death with my fishing and sports thoughts. Really though, I like having a son-in-law around who can read people’s intentions. It’s helpful.”

Edward inched a little closer to me then sat down on the arm of my chair and slid his hand around my waist. I arched my back slightly from the contact. Edward still dazzled me; his presence, his beauty, was something I’d never get used to.

“I’m glad you see it that was Mr. Swan,” Edward said in that smooth, velvet voice.

Charlie’s smile retracted as his throat began to burn. “Well, I’ll leave you two be. I have to get some deer into me.” He rubbed his hand over his throat and cringed. “This burning throat is one thing I could do without,” he mumbled to himself as he left the room.

The phone rang just as Charlie reached the kitchen. “I’ll grab it,” he groaned through the fire in his throat.

“Hello?”

I could hear a male on the other end. His voice was choked, but it sounded like Phil. “Is Charlie Swan or Isabella Cullen there please?” he asked.

“This is Charlie, how can I help you?”

The man – I was almost certain it was Phil – cleared his throat. “I’m so sorry Mr. Swan. I– she’s… ” then nothing. He broke down, his voice unable to push the words through his lips.

“Who is this?” Charlie asked, his lips a straight line, his body stiff.

“It…It’s… Phil,” he managed to get out, barely.

Edward and I ran into the kitchen. Alice and Jasper were coming down the stairs while Rosalie and Emmett slipped in through the kitchen door. Esme came down from her room where she had been ironing everyone’s clothes. Carlisle rushed down the stairs from his study. I heard the front door open and didn’t need to turn around to know it was Jake and Renesmee.

Alice came to my side, her eyes narrowed in on me. “I’m so sorry Bella.”

“What!?” I shouted, moving myself into the comfort of denial. “What are you sorry about? He hasn’t said anything yet, he can’t get it out.”

I felt something in my stomach twist and I froze.

I felt hallow.

Numb.

Afraid.

Everyone was looking at me, their mouths turned down, like frowning statues. Edward was holding me tightly around the waist, his expression distraught, his liquid gold eyes saying more than words ever could.

I knew I’d have to deal with losing people I loved. I knew I’d have to say goodbye to every human I knew, every human I met, but I wasn’t ready.

It was too soon.

Charlie stood frozen, the receiver almost crushing in his hand.

I grabbed the phone. “Hello? Phil? It’s Bella. You there still?”

He took a deep breath that quivered through his throat. He sounded like he was gasping for air. “Hi Bella, it’s Phil. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry,” he cried into the receiver.

“WHAT, Phil?” My voice boomed louder than it ever had in my life. My eyes flickered to Renesmee who looked terrified. I mouthed the words ‘I’m sorry’ at her, then lowered my voice. Jake took Renesmee in his arms and she buried her head in his chest.

“Phil, is my Mother okay? Please Phil, please tell me what happened.”

“She’s gone, Bella. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry…”

I didn’t hear anything else.

I saw faces, statues. Beautiful statues surrounding me. Their voices sounded like humming; beautiful, peaceful humming. I looked out the window in the kitchen door and saw the icy snow dripping from the branches of the trees. I could see each tiny droplet of ice melt and detach itself from the rest then glide to the ground where it was met by a blanket of sparkly, white snow.

More humming.

The statues were so beautiful. Everyone looked perfect. Their faces perfectly symmetrical. Their voices like velvet; smooth, soft velvet. One of the statues took the receiver from my hand and it made me mad for a second, then I looked at the most beautiful one, the statue  standing next to me – the one with the bronze hair – and my anger dissipated. Just like the snow on the branches, it trickled away.

My eyes darted to the faucet. Water was slowly dripping from the tap.

Drip.

Drip.

Why was everything in the distance so clear to me, so vibrant, but everything up close was confusing?

My lips pulled back over my teeth and my hands balled in to fists. From the corner of my eye I saw a girl, she was young and the most beautiful of all the female statues surrounding me. She help hands with a boy; he was different. Something was off about him. I blinked hard and his eyes widened.

He was afraid. Of little ol’ me?

His fear enticed me, though.

I had control.

Things weren’t out of my control because I had control nestled right in the palm of my hand.

He pushed the beautiful statuesque girl behind him, protecting her. I didn’t want to hurt the girl though.

I wanted him…

The statues hummed at me some more. I couldn’t make out what they were saying, though. Too many of them were talking at once and so fast… it wasn’t normal.

My eyes scanned everyone’s face once more then landed again on the boy, the one who seemed different from the rest. I froze in a crouch and let out a malicious hiss. Two hands grabbed me on either side of my cheeks and I was brought face–to–face with the beautiful statue with the bronze hair. I focused just on him. I watched his lips and tried to make out what he was saying. His buttery golden eyes soothed me.

“Bella, it’s okay. We’re all here for you. It’s okay. You’re angry, you’re hurt. This is your first loss and you have the strength to hurt people, so please Bella, stay with me. I love you.”

He paused, then said something through his teeth –that wasn’t directed at me – without removing his eyes from mine. “Jake, take Renesmee and run with her. As fast and as far as you can. GO!”

I heard the door slam. I felt angry. I felt like if I just used my energy, the strength that surged through my body, that I’d feel better. But the statue’s words began to echo through my head: “This is your first loss and you have the strength to hurt people, so please Bella, stay with me. I love you.”

They repeated: “This is your first loss and you have the strength to hurt people, so please Bella, stay with me. I love you.”

Then, just the ending: “I love you.” “I love you.” “I love you.”

My body loosened up. I stood straight up and opened up my fists. I didn’t remove my eyes from Edward’s.

Edward.

-Bella

…To Be Continued

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Dear Diary (A Granted Wish)

Stay calm. Zůstaňte v klidu. Dr. Joseph Cole. He knows about us. What we are. He knows we’re dangerous, different.

We planned to confront him. Carlisle wanted to be as moral as possible about this. The Cullens have all been around for a long time. They have experience with keeping what they are a secret. They have had no choice. I, on the other hand, was worried… no, I was scared to death. What would it mean for my family if humans discovered what we are? What would it mean for the humans? It’s a battle I didn’t want to think about. I forced the thought from my mind, which left me with nothing but the painful awareness of my almost debilitating thirst.

At first, all I could think of was protecting my family. Edward. Renesmee. Charlie. Jake… all of them. Even Rosalie. My entire body felt like dry, scorching hot coals. My throat was a blazing, out of control fire, becoming wilder with each passing moment. A wildfire.

My thoughts drifted, painfully, to the memory of the burning version of myself that laid ablaze, scorching… silently. The memory of the day I was turned. Immortalized. I was bewildered by pain. The venom, Edward’s venom, and the morphine left me paralyzed while I was charred alive.

I had not hunted since meeting Dr. Joseph Cole and knew that in order to protect my family, I needed to hunt, and fast. I needed to be strong, but careful at the same time. In that very moment there wasn’t much holding me back from finding Dr. Joseph Cole and completely removing his knowledge of our kind, along with his life. The scorching in my dry throat had become impossibly painful. I lost a little more compassion with each passing, bloodless second.

“I’m going to spend some time with Dr. Joseph Cole during my night shift. Ask him a few questions.” Carlisle’s eyebrows knitted together, his face concerned.

He planned to play with Dr. Coles mind a little bit. Vampire as old as the Cullens can read people, very well. Even though Carlisle isn’t able to read minds, he is smart enough to get the information he needs through good old fashioned manipulation.

Before leaving for his night shift at the hospital, Carlisle promised he would call if he needed our help, or if anything went wrong. I could tell Esme was worried about Carlisle. At first she hesitated when he went in for a goodbye kiss, then her walls came down. Esme grabbed his head strongly, with her perfectly elegant porcelain hands, held him firmly in place and kissed him with more passion than I have ever witnessed in my life. She was inhaling him, breathing him in, and pressing her body into his as if wanted to disappear inside of him, become one with him.

“Ex… excuse us. There is a young one present you know.” Alice put her arm around Renesmee to remind Carlisle and Esme to cool off. Edward grinned, that impossibly perfect crooked grin, and I noticed his eyes were almost black. We needed to hunt.

As soon as Carlisle left, Edward and I went hunting. I wanted to bring Renesmee, she wanted to come, but until I knew what Dr. Cole’s intentions were, I really didn’t want her to leave the house.

I caught the scent of humans and my thoughts became malicious, untamed. My imagination went places I never wanted it to go. Just one drop of the sweet, aromatic human blood. My throat burned like a roaring fire, as the fragrant scent of  human blood danced through my nostrils, teasing me. Challenging me. I knew that in just a few inhumanly quick seconds I could find the weak, mouthwatering humans and put out the dry, scorching flames in my throat. The innocent humans…

I lost all trust in myself for the first time. I didn’t know what I was capable of. My instincts were telling me to get it over with, to satisfy my thirst. My instincts were drowning out my compassion, my logic. There were many deers that I could have had already. I wasn’t craving their blood, though. In that moment, I felt weak, like I needed the strength that vampires get from human blood, not animal blood.

I could hear the humans laughing. It was a couple, a young couple. They probably went into the woods to get away, to have some alone time, like normal teenagers. They sounded so happy, so alive. For a half second I wondered what they looked like. I just wanted to see what they looked…

“Bella! No!” Edward’s roar sounded like thunder, especially to my heightened sense of sound. I was fast, but something stopped me from going as fast as I knew I could. I wanted Edward to stop me. I needed him to.

I felt a hand jerk me back and I smashed half into the ground and half into Edward’s granite body, which caused another thunderous sound. I felt raindrops now. They started off slowly, and I could hear them crashing into the leaves on the tress surrounding us. The rain sounds even more beautiful now that I have the ability to hear things so much more clearly, and from much farther away. Within seconds the rain was barreling down on us.

Edward did not release his hold on me. We didn’t talk for a good five minutes. We just laid there, in the dark forest, with the rain washing over us, soaking our clothing. Somehow, the rain began to tame my violent thirst, washing away my bloodlust. I felt too ashamed to look at Edward, and apologized without looking at him, still laying on my back with him under me.

“Edward, I… I don’t know exactly what happened. I caught the scent of those humans and my mind, it… no matter how hard I tried to shake the thought, I couldn’t. I’m so sorry Edward.” My voice was a whisper, too low for human ears to catch.

Edward pulled himself up off the now muddy ground, pulling me up with him, then rested his cheek against mine. “This will make Jasper feel a little bit better…” He grinned and it just touched his eyes. I could tell that he wasn’t mad. Edward, if anyone, understands the strength it takes for a vampire to fight their instincts, to control their thirst.

In one swift movement, Edward pulled me around so I was facing him now, my legs straddled over his, my arms around his neck. The rain got heavier and pounded into our granite-like bodies as our lips met, first softly, so softly. Then, as the guilt I was feeling began to wash away, I kissed Edward harder, pulling his face up and pressing his torso into mine. Consuming him. Breathing him in. I let him into my mind so that he knew what I wanted from him. He met the thought with his perfect smile and laid back down into the mud, pulling me down with him…

The rain let up after about an hour. We both hunted more than enough to extinguish the blaze that almost led me to do something I would forever regret. After I hunted, and was satisfied, it became painfully clear what had almost happened. I almost killed innocent people. It is going to take a long time for me to forgive myself, if I ever do.

Shortly after the sun had risen, Carlisle pulled up into the driveway. Edward read his mind as soon as he could hear his thoughts then his golden eyes widened while his face somehow remained expressionless, a look that confused me.

Before I had a chance to ask Edward what he heard, Carlisle was in the door, meeting all of our curious faces with a smile. “He knows we’re different.” Carlisle didn’t waste any time getting to his point. “Dr. Joseph Cole is a very wise, kindhearted man. His only mission in this world is to help people. He is also very ill.” Carlsile’s mouth pulled down into a frown and he looked at the ground before continuing. “He hasn’t told anyone of his illness yet because he doesn’t want to have to stop working at the hospital, helping people.”

Rosalie interrupted, her patience wearing thin.”What does all this have to do with him knowing what we are, and what about our safety?”

“After much consideration, and hearing Dr. Cole’s pleas, I have agreed to change him, so he can continue doing what he loves to do. He’s a smart man and has been studying our kind for years. He knows the consequences of immortality. He knows the discipline required to feed only off animals. He knows about the pain, the burning.” Carlisle’s eyes shot in my direction, then Charlie’s. The memory of charring alive is still very clear for Charlie & I, the newborns.

“What about his family? Carlisle, you can’t just give out immortality like it’s Christmas and you’re the immortality Santa.” Emmett had a point, although he could have worded it better.

“This isn’t something I take lightly and I hope you all understand and respect my decision. He doesn’t have a family. He has chosen to devote his life to his work, instead. I cannot deny someone who could do so much for the world. Who is so intelligent and wants to help find cures for human illnesses.”

Carlisle took in a deep, but unnecessary breath, as if to brace himself for what he was about to say next. “The change will start tomorrow night, in our basement. It’s the only sound proof location I can think of. It is likely that the pain, the burning, will cause him to scream.”

For the longest moment, no one said anything. We all stood there, frozen like statues, trying to understand. But Carlisle made up his mind, and without another word, he took off up the stairs in a blur, Esme following behind.

The truth is, I get Dr. Joseph Cole more than anyone. I understand their doubts, but I don’t doubt that Dr. Cole knows what he wants. He may not being doing it for love, like me, but he’s doing it for passion. For his passion to continue saving lives. Who are we to deny him of that.

I, however, feel bad bout the pain he is about to feel…

-Bella

June 4th, 2010:

I love the rain. Will write more when I have time…

-Bella

June 5th, 2010:

“I loved Phoenix. I loved the sun and the blistering heat. I loved the vigorous, sprawling city.”

-Bella Swan, Twilight.

I love when it rains. I love overcast days, like today. I love the algid, biting winter, too. The cold. Not only for the reasons you’d think. Not because I have more freedom on overcast days, although that is an undeniable bonus. Not because I can’t actually feel the cold, which is admittedly a nice advantage to being what we are.

The best way for me to describe it is, you know that feeling that washes over you when you smell something that reminds you of a happy time from your childhood, or maybe it reminds you of someone you love? That’s what the cold and the rain does to me. If Forks wasn’t cold and rainy, then the Cullens would have never moved there – and I would have never found my perfect, beautiful Edward.

I owe the rain everything, my existence, for bringing my life to me. My Edward.

Dr. Joseph Cole is currently charring alive in our basement. Poor guy. I’ll write all about that in my next entry!

-Bella

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Making Peace

Dear Diary,

Bells really did come through for me. Well, as much as she could, anyway. Bella is very stubborn, but I’ve recently learned that so is Edward; on the subject of his daughter. Not that I wouldn’t be.

I slept easily that night, knowing that everything was almost at peace. Besides Edward hating the fact I imprinted on his daughter, that is. I mean, he can read my damn mind, can he not see that I love her? Or the fact that I would never hurt her. I know it sounds corny, but she completes me. I know that sounds like it would come off of a Hallmark card, but really. That’s pretty much the definition of the word imprint for us. Our soul mate. Nessie happens to be mine, and I want Edward to open his freaking eyes and see that.

When I went to the Cullens’ house today, I didn’t run into any of them, but I found Bella outside. She was playing around with this thing that you download books onto. She’s such a geek.

“Hey, Bells.” I said, easily taking a seat on one of their patio chairs.

“Hello, Jake. How are you? Did you heal up okay?” She asked, her brow slightly furrowing. I nodded.

“Yeah, it’s all better. How’s…Edward?” I whispered his name, wondering where he was. I wasn’t scared of him, but I wanted to ask Bella what happened after he left, without him overhearing. She rolled her eyes.

“He’s teaching Renesmee some song on the piano.” She told me. I breathed a quiet sigh.

“What’d he say?” I asked cautiously. She sighed.

“Well, of course he’s not happy about it, Jake.” She said.

“Duh, Bella. But…is he…okay with it?” I questioned. She thought for a moment, before nodding slowly.

“Yes, I guess you can say that. He doesn’t hate you right now. It’s been reduced to highly disliking you.” She stated.

“Like that’s new.” I muttered. She looked at me with sympathy.

“He’s going to let you have a relationship with her, but he needs time to adjust. I would advise to take it slow with her.” I sighed.

“Bells, you really think I wouldn’t? She’s practically only fifteen. I mean, really?” I asked, appalled.

“Don’t get mad. I know you wouldn’t do that. I was just saying.” She shrugged. I grimaced, and leaned back in the chair.

“Jake!” I heard a squeal, that sounded like a peal of bells. I glanced up, and saw Ness tackle me. I laughed, and wrapped my arms lightly around her for a second, and watched Edward walk outside stiffly, nodding in my direction. I nodded back, and he sat beside Bella; glaring at the ground. I let Ness move to a chair beside me, trying to make it more comfortable for Edward.

Edward, you know by now how much she means to me. I thought. Well, I screamed mentally. Edward winced, but then nodded.

Then why are you acting so upset? I thought, not so loudly. He shrugged.

“She’s almost everything to me.” I heard a soft whisper leave his mouth. I frowned, and willed him with my mind to look up.

“You don’t think I know this?” I asked him. He shrugged, and Bella got up, grabbing Nessie’s hand.

“Come on sweetheart, let’s go.” Bella said. Ness tried to protest, but Bella gave her stern a look. Ness stomped after Bella inside, and I turned my attention to Edward.

“Edward, I know you can read my thoughts, but I don’t think you get it. Nessie is my imprint. That means no matter what, I want her happy, healthy, and loved. I would do anything in my power to keep her safe, and protect her. She is the center of my universe, the only thing that truly matters to me. I love her with all of my being, and I would die for her. She is my one true love, or I guess you could say soul mate.” I said, without tripping over one word. Edward stared at me unwavering, and I stared back.

“I know, Jacob. But she is my little girl.” He whispered. I cleared my throat.

“I might not have kids, but I see that it is hard to let your child grow up. I know this is hard for you, but it had to happen sooner or later. Besides, she’s not completely grow up. She’s still your little girl, and I am positive she always will be.” I said, my voice clear, and strong. Edward sighed, and laid his head in his hands.

“It’s too hard for me too let go.” He murmured.

“Edward, I’m not asking for you to let go. You never have to let go. Just…loosen your hold a bit, and let her have room to grow.” I said. Edward looked at me through bleary eyes.

“You’re really thinking philosophically today, aren’t you?” he asked. I thought for a moment.

“No, I’m just saying what needs to be said.” I told him. Edward nodded.

“I never have actually hated you…I just hated the situations at the time. You’re actually a nice acquaintance.” He said. I rolled my eyes.

“Just say the word friend. And…ditto.” I answered. Edward chuckled, and it sounded slightly…relieved?

“Yes, Jacob. I feel relieved. I am relieved to have everything put behind us.” He said. I smiled.

“I’m glad too, Eddie.” I replied. He mock-glared at me.

“As long as you don’t call me ‘Eddie’.” He said, using finger quotations around the nickname. I laughed, and breathed deeply.

“Go on, Jacob. I know you’ve wanted to see her.” Edward said, gesturing to the door. I grinned, and made my way inside the house, and into the kitchen. It was vacant, which didn’t surprise me. With the only person who ate was Ness, it was rarely used. Esme knew better than to leave the fridge empty, though, and kept it fully stocked for my use. Esme rocked when it comes to food.

I grabbed a Coke, and some chips, and walked into the living room. Ness was in there with Bella, and they were watching some chick flick on the monstrous television that took up almost the whole wall. I sat at the end of the couch, and crunched on some chips, and gulped down some soda. Bella laughed at me, and excused her self, after giving me a knowing, but stern look. I rolled my eyes at her, and as soon as she left the room, Ness flashed over to my side, and cuddled into me.

“Mmm, I missed you.” She sighed. I smiled, my heart melting more and more as the seconds went by.

“I missed you too.” I whispered into her hair, smelling her pomegranate fragrance that I knew so well.

“Is my dad okay with…us?” She whispered. I grinned.

“He actually is.” I said. She turned to look at me, and smiled widely, her eyes sparkling. I lightly traced her jaw, and she leaned into me, softly touching my lips. This kiss was less rough, and erratic than our first. It was slow, and passionate, and I was glad that I was the one kissing her, instead of that tool. My skin tingled from wherever she touched, and I felt like I was slowly, melting into the sofa.

How in the hell did she get so good at kissing?

Pulling back for air, she gave me a wistful look, and kissed my nose.

“I love you.” She said breathlessly.

“I love you too, Renesmee.” She blushed, and I felt my heart skip a beat.

She caressed my cheek, and slowly turned around, so that she sat comfortably leaning against me.

Even now, writing this, my cheek is tingling from her touch, and my heart aches from being apart for the night.

That’s all for now. I’ll talk to you later,

-Jacob

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Edward’s Reaction

Dear Diary,

Well, I guess I can say Edward didn’t take it the best. I mean, he didn’t take it the worst either, thankfully.

He might’ve given me a black eye, and a couple of broken ribs, before Bells made him stop. The last time I saw that glint in his eye, it was an hour or so after I kissed Bella for the first time; around the time before we fought all of those newborns.

When he came to my house yesterday, he knocked lightly on the door instead of breaking it down, so I wasn’t too terrified of answering, expecting him to take it calmly, and maturely like you would expect a hundred year old mind reading vampire would. That is until he starting beating the living hell out of me. Thankfully, Bella, my savior, came shortly after, pulling him off of me.

“Stop!” She shrieked, her inhuman voice rising two octaves, and sounding like music. I easily got up, and wiped the blood from my mouth. She then started reprimanding him like a two year old, telling him violence wasn’t the answer. I also can recall the growl that rumbled from him after I thought that. So, I backed away a few steps.

“You will never kiss my daughter again!” He spat through his teeth, ignoring Bella’s intimidating glare.

“She’s my imprint! What else can I do?” I yelled back. Bella was practically the one between us, stopping the fight from progressing.

I couldn’t decide whether to laugh at, or loathe the leech keeping me from my girl. Why must things always suck for me?

I was shaking, but I kept it under control, ‘cause I didn’t need the pack coming over here and starting a commotion once I phased, letting them know I was getting beat up by a leech. I had already felt myself healing after a few seconds, and Edward wasn’t struggling to much to get out of Bella’s grip.

“Why did you tell her, you idiot?” Edward asked, venom lacing his voice, but it was calmer than before.

“I couldn’t just let her go off with another guy, Ed. She’s my imprint. It had to happen sooner or later, anyway.” I said, trying to make my voice seem even. Edward rolled his eyes.

“I know that she is your imprint” –as he gestured to his head– “but couldn’t you wait longer, until she was more mature, emotionally, and mature enough to be kissed?” Edward said, his voice still full of malice. I looked at him in disbelief.

“Says the guy who let her go on a date with a punk, who most likely has only one thing on his filthy mind!” I shot back. Edward glared.

“It is my responsibility to raise my daughter the right way, which means a normal life. If you live a normal life, you date. Simple as that.” I groaned.

“How can somebody live a normal life, in a house full of vampires? Especially vampires that sparkle!” I shouted. Edward rolled his eyes.

“My daughter, my decisions. I decide what’s best for her.” He stated patiently. I wasn’t so patient.

“Well, sorry Eddie. It’s too late for that now.” I said grinning. Edward growled, and crouched like a freaking lion. I tensed, but Bella slapped him on the back of the head.

“Oh, stop Edward. What’s done is done.” Edward mumbled something too low for even my superhuman hearing to hear, but I’m pretty sure it was him apologizing to Bella. She rolled her eyes when he glared at me again.

“We’ll discuss this more tomorrow.” He said, and stalked out of my house. Bella sighed deeply, and shook her head. After staring at the door for a couple more seconds, she turned to me, giving me an apologetic look before examining my wounds lightly.

“I’m glad you told her, truthfully. She’s felt…attracted to you lately, and she didn’t like it. She thought you would blow her off, considering her age. She didn’t understand the feelings she had for you, and it was so hard for me not to tell her. She has felt really insecure these past few months.” She whispered. I nodded.

“I’m glad too. I’m surprised how well Edward took it. I thought he would kill me for sure.” I laughed. Bella grimaced.

“I’m sorry I got here late…I didn’t even know he left the house until a minute after he did, and then I had to follow his scent here, and…” she trailed off, rolling her eyes. I nodded.

“It’s fine. I just…I want him to be okay with this…I really want to be accepted. I remember, that a few months after I imprinted on her, you finally accepted it…and I knew Edward sort of accepted it, but he’s being all protective dad now, probably not wanting his little girl to grow up, and all. I…I just want to be with her as comfortably as possible, with everyone accepting it.” I said, and looked at Bella. She was nodding.

“I understand, Jake, I do. I remember how bad I wanted you to accept my relationship with Edward…you were stubborn about that of course. I’ll talk to him, and he’ll come around. You don’t know how proud I am of you, and how amazing it is to know my best friend will always be in my life, even if it is as my son-in-law. Therefore, I will do everything in my power to help you with your relationship with my daughter.” She said, her voice sweet and soft. This is why Bella is my best friend. I grinned.

“Bells, you’re sounding all old on me now.” I teased lightly. She slapped my arm, laughing slightly, before wrapping her arms around me softly. I patted her head, and we both said goodbye. She left quietly, and I remember the relief I felt. I was completely healed now, and there was only a slight shadow under my eye, so all I felt was the high from telling Ness, and her returning those feelings.

My stomach felt like mushy Angel Soft toilet paper by the time I realized that I am practically in a relationship with Nessie now. I was finally with her. When I started thinking about it, I felt a scarcely familiar feeling boil up in me. Nervousness.

This feeling is definitely new, considering the only girl I had ever felt a fraction of this for was Bella, and I never had felt too nervous around her. With Ness, I felt comfortable, but I was nervous now, because I didn’t want to mess up. I want to be perfect, the man she deserves. It’s easy to see she’s way out of my league, and I want to make sure I am the best I can possibly be for her.

While I thought through everything thing that happened tonight, my outdated phone rang my text message alert.

J, I forgot to tell you something… I love you, too.

My heart had hammered in my chest, and I blew my hair out of my eyes, and sighed.

She loves me.

I really hope that Bella gets Edward to chill out, and maybe I’ll be able to have an open relationship with Ness.

I’ll talk to you later, hopefully this all works out.

- Jacob

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2 New/Old ‘New Moon’ Pics!

Here are two new/old New Moon stills. Enjoy

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Dear Diary (Stay Calm. Zůstaňte v klidu)

After this summer, Edward and I plan to go back to school. And to be honest, I’m more excited than I ever imagined I could be about attending boring, repetitive classes. When you’re human your time is limited. You are only on this earth for a very short time, and as a human you have to sleep for about eight hours a night – so the last thing you want to do with the few short hours you’re awake in a day is sit in class after class listening to the teacher ramble about stuff you know you’re going to forget anyway.

When you’re an immortal, though, it seems as though you can’t find enough to do – to keep yourself busy, entertained. After I was changed, I became more and more patient by the day. I’m a hunter now, after all. An immortal. Patience is an inevitable quality for the undead. That doesn’t mean I don’t get bored, however. I do. In fact, the boredom is worse now because I have all this strength, power and energy. We could be doing so much more with what we are – but instead, because what we are… vampires… is dangerous, not normal, we have to take every precaution possible to be sure no one suspects anything. Instead of using my new strength, I have to hide it. Act human. Alive. We have to fit in. It’s harder than you’d think, too.

I’m worried mostly about drowning in my own lies. I can’t lie. I do lie…  a lot, but I’m bad at it. To the town Renesmee is known as my little sister. Adopted, like the rest of us, by Mr. and Mrs. Cullen. Charlie is known as my Uncle, and although I’m getting more used to the script, and learning my lines for this play we put on daily for the public, I still have an almost unbearable urge to scream the truth about everything from top of my lungs. I want to be able to adore and love my Nudger in public. I don’t want to have to check to make sure it wont be sunny before I make any plans to venture outside because my skin will… well, sparkle like thousands of embedded diamonds. What am I supposed to say to that? I took a glitter bath?

The hospital Carlisle is working at here in New Hampshire had a spring gala for all the employees and their family. They do four per year; one for every season. It was held inside a ballroom, at night – so we were safe to go. We had to go, for Carlisle. It is thought to be extremely rude not to attend these galas unless, of course, you’re scheduled to work. Carlisle tried to get out of it by offering to stay at the hospital to work his usual night shift -  however because Carlisle is new to the hospital, they insisted he attend the gala. They wanted to get to know him more outside of work. They wanted to meet his family.

Renesmee didn’t come. I explained to Carlisle that I wasn’t ready to be around so many people at once while trying to pretend she was my sister. Jacob stayed back at the house with her. He didn’t want to come anyway, but asked that we bring him back some food. “Well, on top of me getting some good food, you guys will look more human. They’d never suspect you’re a bunch of leec… er… vampires if you’re all smuggling food out of there.” Jacob grinned and I opened my mouth to say something, but laughed instead.

Charlie stuck in a pair of brown contacts and threw on his best dress up attire and came along. He wanted to see if there would be any single ladies there he could lure in. I think his new, enhanced exterior is getting to his head a little bit. Anytime we’re out in public women tend to gawk at him, their mouths dropping open slightly. Charlie isn’t as awkward and quiet as he used to be, before he was turned. It’s funny watching him interact with Emmett especially. Emmett brings out a whole different side of Charlie that I never knew existed. I like it. Charlie is happy. He’s having fun with what he is.

Once we entered the large ballroom I began to feel more relaxed. The lighting was very low-lit with spotlights of red, blue and purple dancing over the ice sculptures on either end of the over sized buffet table. There were literally mountains of food and I was dreading having to pretend to eat and enjoy it. Human food tastes like dirt to vampires, but we can pretend to eat it when we have to.

We all hunted before going to the gala, of course, but my throat still burned. There were hundreds of mouth watering humans all gathered in the hall, each one so fragrant, so sweet smelling. My eyes kept darting to the pulsing vein on their throats, the carotid artery, and I counted every pulse…one…two…three…four… each beat seemed louder than the last, scorching my throat deeper and deeper. I felt like someone was holding the barrel of a curling iron down my throat to torture me. I needed fresh air immediately – or something bad was about to happen.

I moved faster than any human could, and I was aware of my unnatural pace, but I didn’t care. I needed to get out, that’s all I knew. I pulled myself away from Edward’s grip and was out the door inhaling the fresh, crisp air as deeply as possible, trying to shake the vision of the pulsing, fragrant necks in the banquet hall. I felt overridden with guilt for seeing them as nothing more than a meal. They were human beings. People with families, loved ones… yet there I was, blinded by the pulsing, the scent, the desire that almost overtook me. I felt like a monster.

It only took a few short minutes for Edward to calm me down, to melt away the guilt. He placed one long, smooth hand on each one of my cheeks and stared intently into my eyes, that crooked grin creeping up on one side. “Bella, love, it’s okay. I wouldn’t have let anything happen. You didn’t do anything wrong. You fought your instinct and there’s nothing harder than that – but you did it.” His eyes were liquid gold, his breath icy and sweet smelling.

“Edward… I…” I closed my eyes tightly, trying to find the words, the right words to emphasize how sorry I was for ever coming that close to potentially exposing what we are. “I… hunted before and I didn’t feel thirsty – until my eyes locked on their necks, and they were pulsing. There are so many people in there, I just…”

Edward interrupted, his grin now pulled down, his face grave. “Please Bella, don’t apologize for what you are. This is what you are now, what we are. We are hunters. Even though you weren’t thirsty initially, once your eyes locked on their necks, that was it. The hunt was on. You became fixated on it, and that’s why it was hard to look away, to prevent yourself from attacking.”

The door half opened and Alice poked her head out of the small opening, trying not to be too intrusive. “Is everything okay out here?” Her voice was musical, comforting.

“Yeah, except for the fact that the gala was almost turned into a slaughter house…” I wanted to suck the words back in as soon as they left my mouth. I was overreacting.

Alice slipped catlike through the small opening in the door and crouched down next to me on the ground. “Bella, before big events like this I try to always look and see if anything will go wrong. I didn’t see anything to worry about this evening. Of course my visions are subjective. Your Birthday is a perfect example of that. You’ll be fine, though. I promise. Are you two coming back inside? The dinner is about to begin.” Alice’s eyes shifted furtively between Edward and I as she stood back up.

“We’ll come back in. Just give me a few more seconds in this fresh air.” I realized my eyes were closed tightly again and I opened them, now squinting, to glance in Alice direction, but she was already gone.

I knew I didn’t have a choice. I had to go back inside. This was Carlisle’s night and he doesn’t ask for much, if anything, from us. I opened my eyes fully to take in one last look at Edward, those perfect golden eyes, then sprung to my feet and was back inside before I had a chance to think about it. Edward was right behind me, his hand wrapped lightly around my waist.

I scanned the room quickly, not actually looking at anyone, and found the table we belonged to. Edward and I sat down, his long fingers now laced through mine. Everyone was already sitting down, pretending to eat. At the exact same time, everyone at our table shot me a knowing glance, almost as though they’d rehearsed it. I bet they did, too. “Way to not make things awkward,” I mumbled under my breath as I loaded my plate up.

Dinner went as smoothly as it could have. It felt like a real human family sitting down to eat dinner. It’s not often you see all of the Cullens gathered around a table eating. I actually liked it. We talked and caught up with each other how a regular family would at dinner time. I wished Jake and Renesmee could have been there, but pushed the thought out of my head.

We didn’t forget about Jacob’s request, either. I grabbed three of the takeaway containers they had, and loaded them up. I thought we were going to make a smooth exit, and we almost did, until Carlisle got stopped by one of his colleagues just as we were almost out the door. The man was taller than Carlisle, with shaggy light brown hair and a very thin frame. He wore small, stylish reading glasses and looked extremely young. His smile was captivating, friendly and he had a hint of an accent, though barely detectable. He introduced himself to everyone as Joseph, and threw in a quick “but my patients call me Dr. Cole.” Dr. Joseph Cole was about to throw Carlisle a curve ball.

“I just wanted to stop you before you left and ask if you and your family would all like to participate in the blood drive we’re hosting tomorrow. It’s taking place right in the parking lot. You seem to have a large, healthy family here. Think you could come out? Donate some blood?” Jospeh’s face lit up in anticipation as  he scanned all of our expressions. I felt my jaw drop and snapped it back shut, biting my lower lip to keep it from dropping again.

Vampires giving blood? Vampires don’t give blood… we take it. But how do you say no to donating blood to people who need it, without coming off as … well… a bunch of jerks. They would know we are different, instantly, if they even got close enough to touch us. I could hardly even think of the fact that we would be surrounded by blood… do I even need to elaborate on what’s wrong with that? Plus, the drive was being held in the afternoon, outside in the parking lot and it was supposed to be sunny. Great.

Carlisle was still composed, his face graceful and calm. “I’m sorry but we have a very important previous engagement that we are unable to miss. We would love to participate in the blood drive, really, but wont be able to attend this one. Please accept my apologies.”

“Well that’s okay. Maybe next time. We try to organize them as often as we can so I’ll let you know when we have our next one.” Joseph nodded his head and smiled, though it didn’t touch his eyes.

“That would be wonderful.” Carlisle’s smile was forced. “Have a great night, Joseph.”

“Thanks, you too. It was nice meeting all of you.” His eyes darted to each of us, then he walked away quickly and joined a large group of people who were lingering, finishing up their drinks and catching up on gossip.

Edward’s face was vacant, and I knew that something was bothering him. He waited until we were back in Carlisle’s car before he said anything, though. Esme was in the front seat, and Charlie was in the back with Edward and I. The others were in their own car. As we pulled out of the parking lot, Edward’s eyes were darting around in every direction. I had never seen him this nervous. He looked out the back window one more time before telling us what was bothering him.

“Dr. Joseph Cole knows I can read minds. He wouldn’t exactly let me into his head. He kept repeating the same thought over and over and over so that he wouldn’t think of anything else. It was in a different language, too. He kept repeating ‘Zůstaňte v klidu.’” Edward’s eyes were hard now, his skin glowing under the street lights and headlights of passing cars.

“Stay calm. He was saying ‘stay calm’ in Czech.” Carlisle was talking to himself, in deep thought. His lips began to move, but no other words came out.

“Carlisle, he knows what we are.” Edward hissed and I thought I felt my still, lifeless heart jump out of my chest.

To Be Continued…

-Bella

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New ‘Eclipse’ still of Bella & Jacob!!!

Here is a new Eclipse still of Bella & Jacob:

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