Emmett and Rosalie enjoyed their hunt with Baylor today. They all seem to get along great. Emmett loves the early spring, when the bears are coming out of hibernation and are more irritable than ever. Though not a challenge for him, Emmett likes to hunt grizzly when they’re more vicious, moody.
Once they were finished hunting, they all came back to the Cullen house, where I was, along with Renesmee, Edward and Jacob. I was a little hesitant about Baylor meeting Jacob, but – aside from one small ‘bloodsucker’ comment under his breath – Jacob was relatively welcoming. Well, as welcoming as Jacob could be after finding out there was yet one more vampire residing in Forks now.
To my surprise, Baylor was extremely comfortable around Jacob, aside from his nose crinkling once or twice. We can’t help being repulsed by the smell of werewolves; similar to how the werewolves find our smell pungent.
Although at first Jacob was unnecessarily protective of Nessie around Baylor, he did become more relaxed as they conversed. It was nice to see everyone getting along, though. I have to admit, at first, I thought things would be really different with Baylor here, but really, it feels the same. He is almost like Edward’s replacement. Emmett likes to goof around with him a lot – they act like brothers already. The only issue between Emmett and Baylor is that Baylor loves grizzly, too. This could get competitive. Good thing Emmett likes a challenge.
Alice has already seen great things for Baylor. She had a vision of him finding love, even. For some reason this thought scares me – the thought of him potentially falling in love with a human. I wont worry about the future, though. For now, I want to enjoy each moment as it comes.I’ll leave the future to Alice to worry about.
Edward is a little bit moody today. Though he is trying to understand Jacob and Renesmee’s relationship, it’s still hard for him to watch Nessie grow closer and closer with Jacob. She is growing closer to Jacob than she is to Edward now, and naturally, this is making Edward become slightly unhinged. We’re both aware of the fact that the unavoidable is going to happen, eventually. Jacob will – one day soon – become Renesmee’s husband.
The funny thing is, I don’t think Edward would choose any other person in the world to take his daughter’s hand in marriage. It’s not Jacob that gets Edward upset. It’s just that he feels as though his daughter is slipping away, faster-and-faster as the days go on. Neither of us expected for her to grow up so fast. Her intelligence is astounding, her growth rate is shocking and her presence in our lives has been a blessing. Her presence will always be here, she will just be forever bonded with Jacob. Like Edward, I cannot think of another person who I would rather see my beautiful little angel with. I know Jacob will always keep her safe, keep her happy.
In order to ease Edward’s tension, I often remind him of the fact that Charlie had to watch me slip away from him and into Edward’s arms, indefinitely. Then, he had to deal with my suspicious, rather alarming appearance change.
“I know, Bella. You’re right. It’s just a different feeling from anything I’ve felt before. I’ve never been… a Dad. It takes some getting used to.” Edward leaned in towards me, his breath dancing on my lips, and softly pressed those perfectly sculpted lips of his to mine. Though cold, I felt like I was on fire, as I always do around Edward. He has a way of igniting a flame inside of me; different, of course, from the scorching flame in my throat that flames up when I’m near human blood.
For now I’m going to go spend time with Nessie, Jacob and my love, Edward.
I had a chance to spend some one–on–one time with Baylor. Edward also had his chance. Not surprisingly, Edward and I have different opinions about him. Maybe it’s my eternal optimism, but I really like Baylor. He seems genuine, interestingly complex, and quite gentle.
Edward questions his motives, of course. When Edward is unable to read someone’s thoughts, he becomes intrigued, yet annoyed. He isn’t used to having to work to understand people. It’s not that Edward thinks Baylor is bad, he is just being cautious.
When Baylor and I spent time together, he told me all about his mother, about how he was turned and the human memories he manages to recall from his past. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I already knew about his mother and how he was turned – from Edward, through Carlisle’s thoughts – so I listened to his story, again.
Baylor was very friendly, and seemed sincere. I told him my story, and of course couldn’t help but talk about Edward, my love. I even explained Renesmee to him. It took some convincing, but I think he finally understands. He had never heard of a half–human, half–vampire.
Now he has.
Nessie seems to like Baylor a lot, too. She showed him her thoughts. They were of her and Jacob, of course. This brought up some questions that I wasn’t ready to answer.
“Who is this boy she’s showing me, Bella?” Baylor asked, intrigued.
I wasn’t quite sure how to get him to understand this part. I began to tell him about the Volturi, and their attempt to attack us, and kill Nessie. From there, I explained that, prior to me becoming a vampire, I had a good friend who I loved dearly, named Jacob. I explained how Jacob helped me when Edward left, then just came out with it.
I sucked in a deep breath before I spoke, letting the words out with the air. “Jacob… is a wolf.”
Baylor’s expression was actually calm, almost knowing. One of his eyebrows raised out of interest, so I continued, feeling more confident this time. I explained to Baylor that Jacob has imprinted on Renesmee, and what that will entail. He asked a few questions, but didn’t seem shocked.
I thought about it for a moment, and realized that after everything he has been through, realistically, nothing should shock Baylor anymore. I mean, his mother got turned into a vampire, who then turned him into a vampire. Really, I think he’s used to this world of ‘mythical’ creatures.
I was really happy I had the chance to spend time with Baylor. He is part of our family now, after all. Emmett and Rosalie are going to take him hunting tomorrow, to get acquainted. Emmett should show him an interesting time. He has a way with opening people up and making them feel like family, almost instantly.
For tonight, Edward and I are going to be spending the night alone. Nessie is actually with Sue, at Charlie’s house. Sue said she thinks Nessie is contributing to Charlie’s healing process greatly, and wanted to have her there, to keep Charlie smiling. He adores Renesmee. So does Sue.
I’m off to spend all night long talking, laughing and cuddling with Edward. Sometimes I feel like so much is going on that we forget to take time for ourselves. He is my world, and I am so grateful to have found him. Everything between us still feels new and exciting. Edward does something everyday that makes me fall more in love with him. Right now, he’s looking at me with with the most mesmerizing look on his face. His eyes are a golden butterscotch and his grin is lovingly turned up on the right side. I’m going to go now, have some fun with my love. My life.
Edward could see how much I’d been hurting over the past while over Charlie’s shooting. He could see every emotion flow through me, from confusion, to anger. He could also tell how hard I was trying to conceal those emotions, to keep them hidden from Nessie. I never want to make her worry.
Earlier today, Nessie showed Edward and I her thoughts. When she touched us we saw her, Charlie, Jacob, Edward and myself gathered in Charlie’s living room. Charlie looked healthy and happy. We were all laughing and having a good time. It was a simple thought, but it brought a smile to my face. To see Charlie back to his normal self, to see us all together like that, it felt good.
Edward was very grateful for the thought, too. When I hurt, he hurts. I wish it wasn’t like that. I wish he didn’t feel my pain, but that is all part of giving yourself to another person. I gave all of me to him and he gave all of himself to me.
I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw Edward walk into the room with my old rocking chair. The one that used to sit in the corner of my bedroom at Charlie’s house.
It looked different.
He had the chair refinished, and the words, “From Mother To Daughter” carved into the back panel. It looked as if he used a machine to carve the words, but he had completely done the whole thing himself.
The writing was so perfect. So smooth. So… beautiful.
Edward didn’t take his eyes off me when he said, “From one angel, to another. I made this for you, Nessie. It was your Mother’s.”
My expression must have been animated, because Edward flashed that crooked grin at me and raised one eyebrow. He had a playful, yet curious expression on his face. I let him into my mind to show him how much this meant to me. He spoke again, in a voice that seemingly gets more musical with every word. “This chair brings back great memories of the nights I used to have to watch you in your sleep to get close to you, Bella. Though I am quite fine standing, I enjoyed sitting in this chair because it had your scent on it. I thought it would look great in Nessie’s room, and maybe –if Jacob can fit – he can sit in there and watch her, like I used to watch you.”
Nessie was already rocking in the chair, smiling and twisting her head back to examine the carved words on the back. She ran her little fingers over the words and smiled. This meant more to me than I could express. And, most importantly, it would hopefully distract Nessie from my roller coaster emotions for the time being.
I gave Edward three soft, slow kisses on his chin, then thanked him one more time before heading over to the hospital to visit with Charlie for the last time before he would be released.
Carlisle said Charlie’s infection was all cleared up, and his wounds were healing nicely. He had color back in his face, too. His arm was still a little bit numb from the bullet that hit him in the shoulder, but Carlisle said that, with time, the numbness would fade and he would regain full strength in that arm.
I will be picking Charlie up in the afternoon. I spent last night watching him sleep, and fighting the scorching hot knives that were stabbing my throat, or seemed to be. The scents that flow through the hospital are tortuous, but being by Charlie’s side was the most important thing to me. Besides, I always felt safe knowing I had Carlisle there to help me when temptation became too much.
I have to run now. Edward and I are going to go decorate Charlie’s house with a “Welcome Home” banner, balloons, cake and a new flat screen T.V. we bought for him. He will be resting up on the couch quite a bit, and his old flat screen wasn’t very big, plus it was becoming outdated. We want him to feel like he’s part of the baseball game when it’s on. I think he’s going to be happy.
I couldn’t see straight when Carlisle told me that Charlie had flat lined.
He only flat lined for a quarter of a second before Carlisle was able to bring him back, though. Dr. Cullen works wonders. He is the most amazing doctor around, and I am truly so thankful for him.
The bad news? Charlie has an infection where the bullet was lodged. He is taking antibiotics and Carlisle is keeping a very close eye on him.
We all are.
I am so grateful for Sue, too. She has been with Charlie the entire time, never leaving his side. When she thought no one was watching, she would begin to lightly cry while holding his hand.
Charlie sleeps most of the day, in his hospital bed. He has to stay there until the infection clears up. It’s important for him to relax and for his infection to be monitored closely.
I’m so grateful that my Dad is still alive. If he only knew what I did to the people that did this to him. If he only knew what I was. I wish I could tell him. I wish I could tell Charlie that I am his vampire daughter, and that Nessie is his half-vampire, half-human granddaughter. I’m a bad liar, always have been. I think if Charlie were to ever ask me about it, I would be honest. I know that no matter what, he would love me. Besides, Alice had a vision of him finding out in the near future. I know it’s forbidden, but Charlie wouldn’t ever reveal what he knew. Not if he knew it could hinder us in any way.
My Mother, Renee, went back to Phoenix this morning as soon as she found out that Charlie would be okay. She had obligations there, with Phil. During her visit, I avoided her as much as possible. I knew she would notice my changes. I knew she would question me.
And she did. “Bella, your face is somehow more pale than usual. And you look like you’ve been working out a lot. And what’s with your eyes?”
I really began to appreciate Charlies ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ motto. Basically, I just told Renee that I’d been working out with Edward, and mentioned that we had bigger things – like Charlie – to worry about. She could tell I didn’t want to talk about myself during this tough time, and quickly let it go.
Edward, Alice and I are due for a hunt soon. We’re going to go out tomorrow once Esme, Nessie and Jake come for their shift at the hospital. We’re all taking shifts, and pretending we have to go home to sleep. We have to try to remember to do human things, and fit in with normal human behavior.
Right now, though, I’m going to grab Nessie and Edward then head over to be with Charlie. Carlisle said his heart rate speeds up when he senses that I’m there. It makes him happy. I will keep you posted on Charlie’s progress, of course.
I have to run now. Edward is giving me that look that somehow instantly melts my granite-like body. The one that tells me he wants to kiss me really bad.
The amount of anger I am experiencing at this moment is unexplainable. I can’t write for long, as I have a lot happening right now. This is the first time I have felt the full potential of my vampire-strength, the first time since being turned that I have considered killing a human.
Charlie was shot in the line of duty yesterday.
A group of punks made their way to Forks from Seattle in an attempt the run from the police there. They were involved in a shooting in Seattle, and killed two people. Charlie was on duty and got a call regarding ‘suspicious behavior’ occurring about one kilometre from the diner. A witness stated that as soon as Charlie arrived on the scene, as soon as he stepped out of his cruiser, he was shot.
Once in the lung. Once in the right shoulder, and once in his chest – so close to his heart that Carlisle said if it shifted at all, it could stop his heart.
The criminals are still out there, too. Edward has been trying to read peoples thoughts all day to find out where they are. He wants to turn them in. I, however, want to kill them. Edward keeps reminding me of what could happen if I did anything to harm the humans, but I just don’t know if I can stop myself. This desire to kill, this anger, is overwhelming. It’s eating away at me. I cannot let them get away with what they have done to my Father. For nearly taking his life.
I don’t know what I’m going to do once we track them down. I can’t trust myself.
In the meantime, I’m heading back to the hospital to speak to Carlisle about Charlies progress, and to be by Charlies side. Nessie, Edward, Jacob, Alice, Rosalie, Emmett, Esme and Sue are there already. I came home for a few hours to gather myself… the smell of blood in the hospital became hard for me to handle. I’ll up date you on Charlie’s progress when I can.
Edward, Nessie and I spent the day with Charlie and Sue. Sue cooked a huge dinner for everyone. We had insisted on coming over after dinner, and insisted… and insisted. They didn’t seem to want to take “no” for an answer though. Once there, we had to play it off like we had forgotten she was cooking and said we already ate. That was odd. Something I’m getting somewhat used to though.
After dinner I helped Sue clean the table and dishes. She accidentally bumped into me and her eyes widened. I half smiled at her before she blurted out, “Wow Bella, your body feels rock hard. Have you been working out?”
I told her I had been frequenting the local gym and that it was something Edward and I do together. Edward chimed in and said something jokingly about how he’s my personal trainer. Luckily she didn’t question any further.
When we got home, I started packing for Isle Esme. Edward and I are leaving tomorrow afternoon (Valentines Day) to begin our second honeymoon. Not everyone can say they have had a honeymoon as a mortal, and an immortal.
I am more in love with Edward than ever before, and I never thought it was possible to be more in love, but somehow it deepens between each sunrise and sunset.
This honeymoon is going to be surreal, kinda like everything in my life has been, I guess. We don’t have to hide from anyone, Edward doesn’t have to be careful and we get to enjoy the beautiful Isle Esme all over again. One thing I haven’t tried yet since being turned is swimming. I am more than excited to see how it feels. Watching Edward swim last time we were on the island made me a little envious. He was so carefree, so engrossed in the water and the dolphins.
I’m going to go finish packing with Edward now. Alice brought over a bunch of things for me to wear while I’m there. Most of it is extremely tiny and see–through, but I’m a little more confident with my new self. I don’t mind.
“As much as I struggled not to think of him, I did not struggle to forget. I worried—late in the night, when the exhaustion of sleep deprivation broke down my defences—that it was all slipping away. That my mind was a sieve, and I would someday not be able to remember the precise color of his eyes, the feel of his cool skin, or the texture of his voice. I could not think of them, but I must remember them. Because there was just one thing that I had to believe to be able to live—I had to know that he existed. That was all. Everything else I could endure. So long as he existed.“
-Bella Swan: Chapter 4, Page 116 (New Moon)
There was a point in time when I thought I had lost Edward forever. Though my heart no longer beats, I somehow still feel it tighten and almost shatter every time I think of a life without him.
Jacob ended up coming along on our hunting trip, and while Edward, Emmett, and Rosalie were hunting, he asked me a question that caught me off guard. His question?
“Bella, how would you deal with it if Edward were ever. . . destroyed?”
Jacob has a way with asking questions to things that I could never think of on my own. He makes me think of everything as a possibility. But this question was like no other.
When Edward had left me in the forest—because he felt he and his family were a danger to me —he took my life with him. He took my heart, he took everything except my body. That’s all he left, actually. A lifeless body. That’s all I became without him.
If Edward were destroyed, that would mean I would have to go on forever without him. It’s not the same as before; I’m an immortal now. Unless I were also destroyed, I would have to face the world for eternity without my life, my world, my true love.
Suddenly Victoria’s face clouded my mind. She lost her love, James, and had to exist thinking she would have to go on for eternity without him. I don’t pity Victoria, or James. I do, however, understand the excruciating pain that she would have had to endure forever if she hadn’t been destroyed. I think Edward did Victoria a favor when he destroyed her. He took away her eternal pain, emptiness.
I would have to be destroyed. I know I could not go on without Edward, especially now that I am an immortal. In fact, I might have second-guessed my decision to be turned if I had thought about that when I was still a human. If I had thought of the fact that there is a possibility my love could be destroyed one day, and I would have to carry on without him. Losing Edward when I was human was more bearable than this thought. If I were human and he were destroyed, at least I wouldn’t have to exist forever without him.
Jacob wasn’t overly shocked when I told him I would be destroyed. A little upset, I could tell, but not shocked. Then, he asked an even tougher question. Again, reminding me of possibilities that had not even occurred to me.
“What about Nessie?”
That’s right. My little nudger. If I were destroyed, she wouldn’t have a mother, and I would never get to see her again. I love her. I love her just as much as I love Edward, just differently. It would be too selfish of me, to have myself destroyed and leave her for eternity with no father or mother.
That, I wasn’t. Suddenly, although already strong, I felt stronger. I felt protective. It occurred to me that I would find a way. Edward would want me to be with Nessie. Edward would want me to be happy. That’s all he has ever wanted for me. Suddenly my thoughts felt like they were in the spin cycle.
Jacob was patiently waiting for my answer, and all I could mutter was, “No one will ever be destroyed. Ever.”
And, I believed it.
I feel relieved when I think of how strong of a family we are. I know that as Cullens, we would never give anyone a reason to want to destroy us.
Jacob liked how confident I was. It seemed to put him at ease, knowing I was so sure that no one was going anywhere. I felt happy, too. Also, I was surprisingly glad that Jacob asked me. Although it’s hard to think about, I need to be prepared for anything now. I have a family. A love, and a child.
They are my life.
I could never let anything happen to any of my family. Jacob included. He is technically family now. Mortal enemy turned family. I like that.
When our hunting trip came to an end, I grabbed Edward and held onto him tighter than ever before. I needed to feel him close to me, especially after such heart-shattering thoughts had been spinning through my head.
Edward kissed me softly on the top of my head and frowned a little. I showed him my thoughts. I wanted him to know about the questions Jacob asked. I wanted him to see how much it perturbed me to think such thoughts. Edward has had a longer time to think of these things. The thought had already occurred to him; I could tell by his knowing-expression. I plan to ask him later on, after Nessie goes to sleep, what his reaction would be if I were destroyed. I will let you know what he tells me.
For now, though, I am going to go watch Edward sing to Nessie again. He’s writing her a lullaby. It’s a surprise for her.