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November

29th

Dear Diary (Forever A Cullen)

Charlie’s brand new Cullen crest is in the form of a ring, similar to Carlisle’s, yet different enough to be able to tell them apart. I think, somehow, the ring makes Charlie feel more whole. This entire change, and introduction into a world of mythical creatures, has taken it’s toll on him. It left him trying to find his place, forever, in this world.

I know he wonders what he’s going to do with himself for so long. He worries about finding someone to spend eternity with. Edward tells me, of course. He tries to stay out of Charlie’s head as much as he can, but sometimes, I ask him to check in to make sure everything is okay. Especially when Charlie is being quiet.

A sense of belonging washed over Charlie’s face when he opened the box that held his ring. His bright red eyes seemed warmer, despite their eerie color. One side of his mouth curled up as he examined the ring before putting it on and I could tell he way happy, peaceful. He had been alone for so long, and now, he’s surrounded by a family who will always be there for him. He will never have to be lonely, and he knows that.

For Renesmee, it made the most sense to get her a bracelet, just in case one day someone wants to add something to it. Her link-clasp bracelet is 18k white gold, and glistens like an icicle against her pale skin. We discovered that she really loves the snow, so along with her Cullen crest charm, Edward got her a snowflake charm with round brilliant diamonds on just the tips of the snowflake. The bracelet is sweet and subtle. Perfect for her age.

If you asked me if we should give Jacob a Cullen crest of some sort, I wouldn’t even have to think about it. Yes. I would give him one in a heart beat. It’s not up to me, though. I haven’t been part of this family for nearly as long as the rest of the Cullens, and I wouldn’t ever want to offend them. They have a lot of pride in how they live, and I understand that. It’s difficult living the way we do, as ‘vegetarians,’ always fighting an intense urge to tear peoples limbs apart and have them as a snack.

Jake hasn’t ever had to feel the moral struggle; the burning, blazing fire in his throat reminding him of how easily he could tear up any human and drain their aromatic blood without wasting even the smallest drop. He struggles with what he is, too, but it’s different, less of a moral struggle.

I kept my thoughts to myself and let the Cullens deliberate for as long as they needed to. When I suggested we include Jacob, Carlisle didn’t seem shocked—in fact his face was blank, almost as though he had been expecting my proposal. I asked nicely. Actually, it was more of a suggestion.

When Carlisle asked me to come into his office, I bit my lower lip, anticipating the worst. Although it’s not my decision, I really hoped, for Jake’s sake, that they agreed to officially make him part of the family. I told myself not to show my disappointment if they decided against giving Jacob a Cullen crest. I wouldn’t want them to feel bad for their decision.

When I walked into the office Carlisle was standing over his desk looking down, his statuesque body still, motionless. He didn’t look up at me, he just grabbed a black box off the desk and started speaking, still not making eye contact with me.

“Jacob, well . . . when he transforms into a wolf, all of his belongings get shredded. Esme and I picked out this Cullen crest charm for him to attach to the string he keeps around his ankle, that way it will stay with him.” He finally looked up at me and smiled, twisting the box in my direction to show me the charm.

It was perfect. The hook was large and looked durable. And the crest itself, it had more of a warm, golden-color over it–almost as though someone painted gold flecks onto it. I picked it up out of the box and noticed it was a lot heavier than everyone else’s. Jake would need something stronger, something that would stay together, even after a long trek through the woods.

Edward came into the office as I was looking over the crest, examining every little detail. His half grin made him look conflicted, and he probably was. Edward can’t help but find it somewhat unusual that a werewolf has become such a prominent part of this family full of vampires. He trusts Jacob, but he worries, too. He worries about what could happen if Renesmee decides one day that she doesn’t want Jake around. Or, if she decides to have a relationship with a different boy when she’s older. I worry about that too. I don’t want Jake to get hurt anymore. I think I did a good enough job of that myself.

For now, we are just taking everything day by day. But while Jacob is here, and while he’s making Nessie so happy every day, we all consider him part of the Cullen family. Rosalie might not be completely sold, but, well . . . we never exactly expect her to be the most cooperative to begin with.

We all filed into Jacob’s little house in the back, and I kept the small black box hidden to my side. Carlisle spoke up first and let Jake know how much we all appreciate his presence in our lives.

One by one we all told Jacob how appreciative we were, and I think it confused him. While Alice was talking, Edward mumbled something under his breath about Jake’s thoughts. “He thinks we’re buttering him up to let him down softly. He thinks Carlisle and the rest of us have decided not to give him the crest.” Edward smiled and it seemed to light up the tiny living room we were all crammed into.

Finally it was my turn to talk and the words seemed to flow boundlessly from my lips. I covered everything I could remember about my human life, and of course, everything we’ve been through together since. I love Jacob, and he knows that. It’s not the kind of love you feel when you want to be with someone; it’s the kind of love you feel when you know you always want that person in your life, as a best friend.

After too much talking, I finally uncovered the black box I had been hiding to my side, wedged between Edward’s body, and mine, then tossed it over to Jacob.”It’s from all of us.” I couldn’t hide the excitement in my voice. I scanned the room quickly to catch everyone else’s expressions and noticed even Rosalie smiling.

Jacob popped the lid up and his eyes grew about twice their normal size when he saw what was inside. Time goes by quickly when you’re an immortal, but somehow, it seemed to take forever before Jacob finally said something. We all waited, without interrupting, for him to talk, but nothing. He just stared down at the charm in the box with his now gigantic eyes. Finally, Renesmee went over to him and sat down next to him, looking up with the most angelic smile I’ve ever seen.

Nessie brought Jacob out of his moment of silence, and as he snapped the box back shut, he let us know exactly what he was thinking. “I love it. I really do. I had to think for a minute, about what the rest of the my family would think. I still have to consider them, a little. But I guess after leaving them to move with a bunch of vampires, nothing else could really shock them anyway. Thanks, everyone.” Jake looked over at Edward and added a little jab. “Since I imprinted on your daughter, I guess I’ll be a permanent fixture in this family anyway.” His smile was warm, contrasting with Edward’s icy expression.

Edward still hears nothing but pure thoughts in Jake’s head, so he knows he doesn’t have to worry. Nessie is getting a lot taller now, and her features are maturing a lot, but Jacob still knows he has to wait until she is fully mature before he even thinks about seeing her as anything other than mine and Edward’s little girl. His intentions are pure, he doesn’t need to be reminded, and Edward and I like it that way.

Once we were back in the Cullen house, Carlisle explained to me that he didn’t have to think twice about giving Jacob a crest. His concern wasn’t ‘yes’ or ‘no,’ it was what they would get him that would be durable enough for Jake’s lifestyle.

I am blown away every day by the Cullen’s ability to be so accepting.

Alice made a good point, too. “He doesn’t eat humans, so he’s more than welcome in this family.” Her eye lashes flitted and she danced into the next room with Jasper. She does make a good point. Jacob isn’t harming humans. In fact, no one from his family is harming humans, they’re saving them.

Nothing feels different. It’s not like now that everyone has their Cullen crest some sort of huge change has occurred. But the family does feel more whole. The crest symbolizes devotion to this family, to the ‘vegetarian’ way of life, and I feel like now, we all have something to show for our continued restraint. It feels good.

-Bella

*Thank you to Debbie. D for the inspiration behind the crests!

 

November

9th

Dear Diary (A Third Charm)

I couldn’t help but feel somewhat suspicious when Edward asked me to remove my bracelet, the one that Jacob gave me with the wooden wolf—that was later accompanied by Edward’s diamond heart. His face was unreadable, blank. I half smiled and shifted my eyes from left to right, insinuating that I wanted an explanation. But he wasn’t about to give me one.

Edward’s request turned into more of a demand when he held his long, pale hand out for me to drop the bracelet into. This time he smiled and the smile just met his eyes. I could see that Edward was not about to give me any answers, but before I handed my bracelet over to him, I asked if I would at least get it back. He looked slightly shocked by my question, and his velvety voice shot back with a quick, “Of course you get it back, Bella.”

Before he took off up stairs, Edward grabbed my hand and pressed his perfect, smooth, lips onto the top of it, then assured me that he would be back soon with my bracelet. He was not even gone for a second before I began to run through a mental list of reasons why Edward would take my bracelet.

When I couldn’t think of a single realistic idea, I asked Renesmee, who was sitting at the mini piano Edward bought for her. “Sweetheart, what you’re playing sounds great!” I was trying to butter her up, too, in case Edward asked her not to tell me. It was true, though, she was already such an amazing piano player. Renesmee smiled, that beautiful angelic smile, and I continued to pry. “Did Daddy mention anything about my bracelet to you? The one that Jacob gave me with the wolf on it?” I started to feel guilty at this point, realizing that if Edward didn’t tell me, there’s probably a good reason.

I was happy when Nessie’s answer didn’t give anything away. Her little fingers paused above the piano keys, and without looking up at me she softly spoke. “No Mommy, sorry.” She continued playing her piano, flooding the house with a beautiful melody.

Why would Edward have told Renesmee? I felt silly for even asking. If Edward didn’t want me to know, the last person he would tell is the first person I would go to. That didn’t stop me from asking Alice, though. When I went upstairs to where the rest of the Cullen’s live, Alice and Jasper were in one of the offices flipping through a sports car catalog, and I pretended to be interested. I didn’t get away with it for long before Alice asked what was up. She knew there was no way I was taking a sudden interest in anything automobile related.

I tried to seem casual. Again, Alice wasn’t having it. She knew exactly what information I was trying to get out of her, and made a comment about how, for an immortal, I was extremely impatient. She was right. I was letting my curiosity almost drive me insane. I told myself I would wait, pushed it out of my head and went back downstairs to listen to Renesmee play her piano.

About two hours went by before I heard Edward come down the stairs into our little home in the basement of the Cullens’ new house. Even though two hours is nothing to me now, because I am an immortal, any time away from Edward makes me miss him. The time doesn’t go by slow, but it has little to no substance without him. Needless to say, I was happy to see Edward, and it wasn’t only because I wanted my bracelet back.

Without even the slightest hesitation, or even a hello, Edward waved for me and Renesmee to follow him upstairs. When I got up there, everyone was standing in the front foyer and they all turned to face me. Rosalie shocked me with her welcoming smile, but even that didn’t stand out as much as Jacob, who was sitting on the floor with his arms wrapped around his knees. He seemed sad. Nessie walked over to him and sat down next to him, leaning on him as though she knew he wasn’t his usual sunny self.

Edward placed one arm around the small of my  back and with his other hand he gave me a plain, chocolate-brown, satin-covered box. For a second I couldn’t help but wonder why Edward was re-giving me my bracelet. I could tell it was the bracelet by the long, thin shape of the box. Everyone was watching, though, so I stopped wondering and gently flipped open the satiny brown box.

I felt everyone staring at me as I scanned my bracelet, that had a wooden wolf and diamond heart dangling from it. There was something else now, though. It was oval shaped, and made of metal. I took in a deep breath when I saw the Cullen Crest charm, with three shamrocks, a lion and a hand above the lion. Under the three shamrocks was the name ‘Cullen’ inscribed into the metal. My jaw dropped and somehow I felt warm, almost hot, inside.

I was hit, again, with the realization that I am really part of this family that once seemed so mysterious to me. To me, having this crest makes it even more official. . . as if being turned into a vampire wasn’t enough.

I ran my finger over the surface of the crest, and felt something slightly bumpy on the back of the charm. I glanced up at Edward before I flipped it over and he had the most beautiful, peaceful, smile slowly moving its way across his face. When I glanced back down at the other side of the charm I saw the words, You are my life now inscribed in Edward’s perfect, identifiable, handwriting. I thought I felt my heart thud, just once, then stop again.

The charm is beautiful. I can’t even put into words how grateful I am to be part of this family, officially. It was technically official when I married Edward, of course, but to me, this was the Cullens’ way of welcoming me into their family for eternity. We are immortals, vampires, and when someone new comes into this family. . . well, you’re stuck with them forever. I’m honored that the Cullen’s want me to be around forever.

I could tell by Jacob’s forced enthusiasm that he was feeling left out, especially after Emmett assured Charlie and Nessie that they were having something special made for them. They will both be getting a Cullen crest, but because Jacob isn’t one of us, a vampire, I assume he won’t be included. I wanted to change that. Sure, he’s not married to a Cullen, and he is a werewolf. . . the furthest thing  from a vampire, but he is still part of this family.

I made up my mind. I was going to talk to the Cullen’s. I had to at least ask, for Jake’s sake. Did they agree to make Jacob, my best friend who happens to be a werewolf, a Cullen crest? Come check out my diary next week to find out!

-Bella

EDIT: Looking for a new love story to read? I have written a novella called, ‘My Darrling.’ (This is not the Willow series I’ve been working on, rather it’s a small side project. The first book in the Willow series will be up in the early portion of this year). For now, I’m so excited for you to check out the novella I’ve written:

You can read a preview and purchase ‘My Darrling’ HERE. I can’t thank you all enough for your endless support, and I promise to run contests to give back as soon as my books get off the ground!

For those of you who’d like to follow the progress of my Willow series, please ‘LIKE’ it on Facebook here. You can also read a tiny preview if you click ‘info’.

Feel free to stop by my personal blog here, where I post songs, pictures and will soon be giving more previews from ‘Willow.’ Thank you all so much for reading and for the support and encouragement you’ve all given. You have no idea how important your encouragement and kind words has been.

Lots of love,

Krystal

November

3rd

Dear Diary (Stupid Lamb)

They made me dress up for Halloween. Well, Alice did. Edward didn’t make any attempt at coming to my rescue, though. Instead he grinned, dazzling me, like I know he will for eternity. I was a little confused by everyone’s excitement over Halloween. The Cullen’s have been around for so many years that I assumed they would be bored of these types of occasions by now.

Was I ever wrong.

Alice decorated the entire inside and outside of our new home in New Hampshire. By the time she was finished, the house was unrecognizable. Emmett and Jasper helped, while Rosalie, Carlisle, Esme, Jacob and Nessie got their costumes and makeup ready. Alice didn’t have a costume yet, so she assured Edward and I that once she was done with decorating we would all go costume shopping together.

I had no idea what costume I would end up with, and to be honest, I didn’t care. My mind was being entertained by the thought of Edward dressed up. I pictured him dressed up in various different costumes and couldn’t help but smile at the thought of each one. But Edward could dress up as a garbage can and somehow still look beautiful, perfect.

We arrived at the giant costume warehouse where there were literally rows and rows of costumes. I didn’t know where to begin. Without even the slightest hesitation, Alice was already off rummaging through the extensive costume lineup. She had to pick one out for Jasper, too, which explained why we ran into her in the men’s section while we were looking for Edward’s costume.

The almost overly friendly sales lady – who was dressed up like a nurse that you’d find in an ‘adults only’ hospital – approached us, her eyes fixated on Edward. She made sure to swing her perfectly styled blonde ringlets fervently as she asked Edward if he needed any help. For someone so perfect and graceful, Edward seemed stiff and awkward. I knew he was reading the overly amiable girls mind, and I started to feel annoyed by her.

Jealous.

I hated feeling jealous. I tried to keep calm, but to be honest, the thought of tearing the girl apart crossed my mind more than once.

Without looking at her, Edward told the sales lady that we would not require her help, then wrapped his arm around my waist and continued browsing though costumes. I wrapped my arm around him, too, and kissed him softly on the shoulder. Without looking up, I knew the lady had disappeared. I appreciated Edward’s obvious lack of interest in her and was happy she finally took the hint. I wasn’t sure how much more of her hair flipping and giggles I could take.

Alice danced gracefully in front of me holding the most hideous bunch of material I had ever seen. It was green and blue with flimsy feathers all over it. I was about to ask her what on earth she had in her hand, but she answered before I got the words out.

“It’s a peacock. Look how pretty it is.” She gracefully unraveled the giant costume to show Edward and I exactly what it looked like, and we both nodded as I reached out to feel the feathers.

“Very… nice, Alice.” I tried to sound convincing.

Alice rolled her eyes at Edward and I, then dove back into the costume racks to find something for Jasper. My eyes followed Alice, then froze instantly when I saw the perfect costume for me hanging there, a few rows away from where Edward and I were standing. Right beside it I saw the perfect costume for Edward. My jaw dropped as I realized I had found the most amazing Halloween costumes for us. There they hung – side-by-side – as though they were meant to be together.

The white lamb costume was a full body piece that came with ears and foot coverings. The lion costume, which was hanging right next to the lamb, came with a full body piece, a tail and lion head covering. I didn’t even have to think about it. Edward was my masochistic lion, and I was his stupid lamb. Although I’m a strong, bloodthirsty vampire now, I will still always be Edward’s stupid lamb. Always.

Edward was just as excited about the costumes as I was. “They’re perfect, Bella.” His golden eyes lit up as he grabbed them off the rack. Alice didn’t understand why we chose the lion and lamb costumes, but she did agree that they were ‘cute.’ I half smiled at the giant heart costume Alice was holding, wondering why on earth she picked out a costume for Jasper that was more suitable for Valentine’s Day.

“Lovebird. I’m a bird, and he’s a heart. Get it?” Alice smirked and practically danced over to the cashier to pay. It was obvious that, after all these years they were running our of ideas. Poor Jasper.

When we got back home, Emmett, Rosalie, Carlisle and Esme already had their costumes on. Rosalie, who dressed up like Marilyn Monroe, couldn’t stop laughing at Emmett’s costume. I couldn’t figure out what his costume was supposed to be until Emmett whispered, “I’m an atomic wedgie” in my ear, then turned around to show me the very creative costume that was literally an atomic wedgie. I couldn’t help but laugh right along with Rosalie.

Carlisle and Esme were dressed as an old granny and old grandpa. They will never have the chance to look like elderly people, so they went all out with their costumes, comb overs and all. It was nice to see them having so much fun. Charlie was the least interested in this whole ‘dress up’ thing and simply put on his old cop uniform. His bright, eerie red eyes looked like they could be part of the costume, though.

Jacob asked if he could pick a costume out for Nessie, so we told him to go ahead, but I let him know that if we didn’t like it, we had a cute little princess costume waiting. When I asked Jacob what he was going to dress up as, he told me it was a surprise. When I saw him walking in the back door with a pale face, red lips, crimson contacts and fake blood all over his mouth and clothing I let out a quick laugh and sarcastically mentioned something about how creative he was. Unfortunately for Edward, nothing is a surprise and he already heard in Jacob’s thoughts earlier that he was dressing up as a vampire.

Edward also knew Nessie would be dressed up as a werewolf. Rosalie snorted when she saw Nessie’s costume and I shot a quick glare in her direction. I thought Renesmee looked perfectly cute. It was only a costume, after all. To my surprise, Rosalie got over it quickly and was all smiles again when the trick-or-treaters started to ring the doorbell.

Alice got loads of candy imported from all over the world to make sure we handed out the best candy in town. Everything was full size, and the kids’ eyes lit up when they saw all the unique candy we were giving out. The front yard was a haunted maze with scary Halloween music and mummies that had motion detectors and would jump out when the kids walked by. Alice did a great job designing that.

We kept Jasper as far away from the kids as possible, and Carlisle stayed hovered over the front door to make sure everything went smoothly. We all have great control over our thirst, of course, but we always play it as safe as possible. We are ruled by our thirst for blood and, no matter how hard we try to fight it, it’s in our nature to kill.

When everything was over we all took our costumes off, except Jacob. He kept his vampire costume on. He liked it, I could tell. Sometimes I worry that he wishes he could be like us. I know it’s hard being the only one who’s completely different. When I was human and spent most of my time at the large white house in Forks, I felt the same way. I wanted  so badly to be one of them. We do our best, with the exception of Rosalie, to make sure he doesn’t feel too different. Regardless of what Jacob is, he will always be a part of our family.

After we put Nessie to sleep, Edward and I went hunting. My throat was burning more than usual after being around so many humans and I needed to soothe the pain, but I also wanted to spend some alone time with Edward. We had fun hunting, and looking up at the stars afterward. He confessed that he loved our costumes and I told him that no matter what, I would always be his stupid lamb. I did give up life for him, which was the stupidest, yet smartest thing I’d ever done.

-Bella

EDIT: Looking for a new dark love story to read? I have written a novella called, ‘My Darrling.’ (This is not the Willow series I’ve been working on, rather it’s a small side project.). You can read a preview and purchase ‘My Darrling’ HERE.

XO