Dear Diary (A Third Charm)

I couldn’t help but feel somewhat suspicious when Edward asked me to remove my bracelet, the one that Jacob gave me with the wooden wolf—that was later accompanied by Edward’s diamond heart. His face was unreadable, blank. I half smiled and shifted my eyes from left to right, insinuating that I wanted an explanation. But he wasn’t about to give me one.

Edward’s request turned into more of a demand when he held his long, pale hand out for me to drop the bracelet into. This time he smiled and the smile just met his eyes. I could see that Edward was not about to give me any answers, but before I handed my bracelet over to him, I asked if I would at least get it back. He looked slightly shocked by my question, and his velvety voice shot back with a quick, “Of course you get it back, Bella.”

Before he took off up stairs, Edward grabbed my hand and pressed his perfect, smooth, lips onto the top of it, then assured me that he would be back soon with my bracelet. He was not even gone for a second before I began to run through a mental list of reasons why Edward would take my bracelet.

When I couldn’t think of a single realistic idea, I asked Renesmee, who was sitting at the mini piano Edward bought for her. “Sweetheart, what you’re playing sounds great!” I was trying to butter her up, too, in case Edward asked her not to tell me. It was true, though, she was already such an amazing piano player. Renesmee smiled, that beautiful angelic smile, and I continued to pry. “Did Daddy mention anything about my bracelet to you? The one that Jacob gave me with the wolf on it?” I started to feel guilty at this point, realizing that if Edward didn’t tell me, there’s probably a good reason.

I was happy when Nessie’s answer didn’t give anything away. Her little fingers paused above the piano keys, and without looking up at me she softly spoke. “No Mommy, sorry.” She continued playing her piano, flooding the house with a beautiful melody.

Why would Edward have told Renesmee? I felt silly for even asking. If Edward didn’t want me to know, the last person he would tell is the first person I would go to. That didn’t stop me from asking Alice, though. When I went upstairs to where the rest of the Cullen’s live, Alice and Jasper were in one of the offices flipping through a sports car catalog, and I pretended to be interested. I didn’t get away with it for long before Alice asked what was up. She knew there was no way I was taking a sudden interest in anything automobile related.

I tried to seem casual. Again, Alice wasn’t having it. She knew exactly what information I was trying to get out of her, and made a comment about how, for an immortal, I was extremely impatient. She was right. I was letting my curiosity almost drive me insane. I told myself I would wait, pushed it out of my head and went back downstairs to listen to Renesmee play her piano.

About two hours went by before I heard Edward come down the stairs into our little home in the basement of the Cullens’ new house. Even though two hours is nothing to me now, because I am an immortal, any time away from Edward makes me miss him. The time doesn’t go by slow, but it has little to no substance without him. Needless to say, I was happy to see Edward, and it wasn’t only because I wanted my bracelet back.

Without even the slightest hesitation, or even a hello, Edward waved for me and Renesmee to follow him upstairs. When I got up there, everyone was standing in the front foyer and they all turned to face me. Rosalie shocked me with her welcoming smile, but even that didn’t stand out as much as Jacob, who was sitting on the floor with his arms wrapped around his knees. He seemed sad. Nessie walked over to him and sat down next to him, leaning on him as though she knew he wasn’t his usual sunny self.

Edward placed one arm around the small of my  back and with his other hand he gave me a plain, chocolate-brown, satin-covered box. For a second I couldn’t help but wonder why Edward was re-giving me my bracelet. I could tell it was the bracelet by the long, thin shape of the box. Everyone was watching, though, so I stopped wondering and gently flipped open the satiny brown box.

I felt everyone staring at me as I scanned my bracelet, that had a wooden wolf and diamond heart dangling from it. There was something else now, though. It was oval shaped, and made of metal. I took in a deep breath when I saw the Cullen Crest charm, with three shamrocks, a lion and a hand above the lion. Under the three shamrocks was the name ‘Cullen’ inscribed into the metal. My jaw dropped and somehow I felt warm, almost hot, inside.

I was hit, again, with the realization that I am really part of this family that once seemed so mysterious to me. To me, having this crest makes it even more official. . . as if being turned into a vampire wasn’t enough.

I ran my finger over the surface of the crest, and felt something slightly bumpy on the back of the charm. I glanced up at Edward before I flipped it over and he had the most beautiful, peaceful, smile slowly moving its way across his face. When I glanced back down at the other side of the charm I saw the words, You are my life now inscribed in Edward’s perfect, identifiable, handwriting. I thought I felt my heart thud, just once, then stop again.

The charm is beautiful. I can’t even put into words how grateful I am to be part of this family, officially. It was technically official when I married Edward, of course, but to me, this was the Cullens’ way of welcoming me into their family for eternity. We are immortals, vampires, and when someone new comes into this family. . . well, you’re stuck with them forever. I’m honored that the Cullen’s want me to be around forever.

I could tell by Jacob’s forced enthusiasm that he was feeling left out, especially after Emmett assured Charlie and Nessie that they were having something special made for them. They will both be getting a Cullen crest, but because Jacob isn’t one of us, a vampire, I assume he won’t be included. I wanted to change that. Sure, he’s not married to a Cullen, and he is a werewolf. . . the furthest thing  from a vampire, but he is still part of this family.

I made up my mind. I was going to talk to the Cullen’s. I had to at least ask, for Jake’s sake. Did they agree to make Jacob, my best friend who happens to be a werewolf, a Cullen crest? Come check out my diary next week to find out!


EDIT: Looking for a new love story to read? I have written a novella called, ‘My Darrling.’ (This is not the Willow series I’ve been working on, rather it’s a small side project. The first book in the Willow series will be up in the early portion of this year). For now, I’m so excited for you to check out the novella I’ve written:

You can read a preview and purchase ‘My Darrling’ HERE. I can’t thank you all enough for your endless support, and I promise to run contests to give back as soon as my books get off the ground!

For those of you who’d like to follow the progress of my Willow series, please ‘LIKE’ it on Facebook here. You can also read a tiny preview if you click ‘info’.

Feel free to stop by my personal blog here, where I post songs, pictures and will soon be giving more previews from ‘Willow.’ Thank you all so much for reading and for the support and encouragement you’ve all given. You have no idea how important your encouragement and kind words has been.

Lots of love,




Dear Diary (Stupid Lamb)

They made me dress up for Halloween. Well, Alice did. Edward didn’t make any attempt at coming to my rescue, though. Instead he grinned, dazzling me, like I know he will for eternity. I was a little confused by everyone’s excitement over Halloween. The Cullen’s have been around for so many years that I assumed they would be bored of these types of occasions by now.

Was I ever wrong.

Alice decorated the entire inside and outside of our new home in New Hampshire. By the time she was finished, the house was unrecognizable. Emmett and Jasper helped, while Rosalie, Carlisle, Esme, Jacob and Nessie got their costumes and makeup ready. Alice didn’t have a costume yet, so she assured Edward and I that once she was done with decorating we would all go costume shopping together.

I had no idea what costume I would end up with, and to be honest, I didn’t care. My mind was being entertained by the thought of Edward dressed up. I pictured him dressed up in various different costumes and couldn’t help but smile at the thought of each one. But Edward could dress up as a garbage can and somehow still look beautiful, perfect.

We arrived at the giant costume warehouse where there were literally rows and rows of costumes. I didn’t know where to begin. Without even the slightest hesitation, Alice was already off rummaging through the extensive costume lineup. She had to pick one out for Jasper, too, which explained why we ran into her in the men’s section while we were looking for Edward’s costume.

The almost overly friendly sales lady – who was dressed up like a nurse that you’d find in an ‘adults only’ hospital – approached us, her eyes fixated on Edward. She made sure to swing her perfectly styled blonde ringlets fervently as she asked Edward if he needed any help. For someone so perfect and graceful, Edward seemed stiff and awkward. I knew he was reading the overly amiable girls mind, and I started to feel annoyed by her.


I hated feeling jealous. I tried to keep calm, but to be honest, the thought of tearing the girl apart crossed my mind more than once.

Without looking at her, Edward told the sales lady that we would not require her help, then wrapped his arm around my waist and continued browsing though costumes. I wrapped my arm around him, too, and kissed him softly on the shoulder. Without looking up, I knew the lady had disappeared. I appreciated Edward’s obvious lack of interest in her and was happy she finally took the hint. I wasn’t sure how much more of her hair flipping and giggles I could take.

Alice danced gracefully in front of me holding the most hideous bunch of material I had ever seen. It was green and blue with flimsy feathers all over it. I was about to ask her what on earth she had in her hand, but she answered before I got the words out.

“It’s a peacock. Look how pretty it is.” She gracefully unraveled the giant costume to show Edward and I exactly what it looked like, and we both nodded as I reached out to feel the feathers.

“Very… nice, Alice.” I tried to sound convincing.

Alice rolled her eyes at Edward and I, then dove back into the costume racks to find something for Jasper. My eyes followed Alice, then froze instantly when I saw the perfect costume for me hanging there, a few rows away from where Edward and I were standing. Right beside it I saw the perfect costume for Edward. My jaw dropped as I realized I had found the most amazing Halloween costumes for us. There they hung – side-by-side – as though they were meant to be together.

The white lamb costume was a full body piece that came with ears and foot coverings. The lion costume, which was hanging right next to the lamb, came with a full body piece, a tail and lion head covering. I didn’t even have to think about it. Edward was my masochistic lion, and I was his stupid lamb. Although I’m a strong, bloodthirsty vampire now, I will still always be Edward’s stupid lamb. Always.

Edward was just as excited about the costumes as I was. “They’re perfect, Bella.” His golden eyes lit up as he grabbed them off the rack. Alice didn’t understand why we chose the lion and lamb costumes, but she did agree that they were ‘cute.’ I half smiled at the giant heart costume Alice was holding, wondering why on earth she picked out a costume for Jasper that was more suitable for Valentine’s Day.

“Lovebird. I’m a bird, and he’s a heart. Get it?” Alice smirked and practically danced over to the cashier to pay. It was obvious that, after all these years they were running our of ideas. Poor Jasper.

When we got back home, Emmett, Rosalie, Carlisle and Esme already had their costumes on. Rosalie, who dressed up like Marilyn Monroe, couldn’t stop laughing at Emmett’s costume. I couldn’t figure out what his costume was supposed to be until Emmett whispered, “I’m an atomic wedgie” in my ear, then turned around to show me the very creative costume that was literally an atomic wedgie. I couldn’t help but laugh right along with Rosalie.

Carlisle and Esme were dressed as an old granny and old grandpa. They will never have the chance to look like elderly people, so they went all out with their costumes, comb overs and all. It was nice to see them having so much fun. Charlie was the least interested in this whole ‘dress up’ thing and simply put on his old cop uniform. His bright, eerie red eyes looked like they could be part of the costume, though.

Jacob asked if he could pick a costume out for Nessie, so we told him to go ahead, but I let him know that if we didn’t like it, we had a cute little princess costume waiting. When I asked Jacob what he was going to dress up as, he told me it was a surprise. When I saw him walking in the back door with a pale face, red lips, crimson contacts and fake blood all over his mouth and clothing I let out a quick laugh and sarcastically mentioned something about how creative he was. Unfortunately for Edward, nothing is a surprise and he already heard in Jacob’s thoughts earlier that he was dressing up as a vampire.

Edward also knew Nessie would be dressed up as a werewolf. Rosalie snorted when she saw Nessie’s costume and I shot a quick glare in her direction. I thought Renesmee looked perfectly cute. It was only a costume, after all. To my surprise, Rosalie got over it quickly and was all smiles again when the trick-or-treaters started to ring the doorbell.

Alice got loads of candy imported from all over the world to make sure we handed out the best candy in town. Everything was full size, and the kids’ eyes lit up when they saw all the unique candy we were giving out. The front yard was a haunted maze with scary Halloween music and mummies that had motion detectors and would jump out when the kids walked by. Alice did a great job designing that.

We kept Jasper as far away from the kids as possible, and Carlisle stayed hovered over the front door to make sure everything went smoothly. We all have great control over our thirst, of course, but we always play it as safe as possible. We are ruled by our thirst for blood and, no matter how hard we try to fight it, it’s in our nature to kill.

When everything was over we all took our costumes off, except Jacob. He kept his vampire costume on. He liked it, I could tell. Sometimes I worry that he wishes he could be like us. I know it’s hard being the only one who’s completely different. When I was human and spent most of my time at the large white house in Forks, I felt the same way. I wanted  so badly to be one of them. We do our best, with the exception of Rosalie, to make sure he doesn’t feel too different. Regardless of what Jacob is, he will always be a part of our family.

After we put Nessie to sleep, Edward and I went hunting. My throat was burning more than usual after being around so many humans and I needed to soothe the pain, but I also wanted to spend some alone time with Edward. We had fun hunting, and looking up at the stars afterward. He confessed that he loved our costumes and I told him that no matter what, I would always be his stupid lamb. I did give up life for him, which was the stupidest, yet smartest thing I’d ever done.


EDIT: Looking for a new dark love story to read? I have written a novella called, ‘My Darrling.’ (This is not the Willow series I’ve been working on, rather it’s a small side project.). You can read a preview and purchase ‘My Darrling’ HERE.




Dear Diary (Unfinished)

Edward and I were in the middle of laughing about something when his face went blank, expressionless. After a couple of seconds his eyebrows knitted together and his lips pulled down on the sides. We were pulling into the driveway of our house, so I assumed he heard something in someones thoughts, but before I had the chance to ask, he was already inside. I followed quickly behind him and within a few seconds I understood exactly why Edward had such a rapid change in mood.

Nahuel was sitting shyly on the cream colored couch, his eyes darting expeditiously from Rosalie to Jacob and resting a few seconds longer on Renesmee. My jaw dropped and I let out a loud threatening hiss that I half startled myself with. My eyes were locked on the back of Rosalie’s head, and although I knew she was aware that Edward and I were standing there, she would not turn around.

As Edward approached Rosalie, I stood at the door, in my now half crouch, afraid to go near her. I was afraid of what I would do to her after she blatantly refused to respect our wishes. Jacob glanced over at me, then made his way over to let me know exactly what had happened. He kept his voice to a low whisper, which somehow made me relax my stone hard body. “I had no idea Rosalie was arranging this the whole time behind our backs. Nessie was with me out back in my place, then after about an hour Rosalie called her over to the house. I came over with Nessie and…”  Jacob paused, then glanced over at Nahuel and continued. “That hybrid child was standing in here. Rosalie keeps insisting she just wants a friend for Nessie. Someone who… who understands her.” He put his head down, almost as if he were ashamed of something.

I knew Jacob was going to start to actually believe that Nahuel was better for Renesmee. I remember a time when I felt like I wasn’t good enough for Edward, so I know exactly how he was feeling. I was disappointed in Jake, though. I thought after everything he witnessed between Edward and I that he would know, first hand, that it’s okay to be different. Edward taught me so much about myself, about life. I taught Edward a lot, too. We learned, and grew, from each others differences. We never gave up on each other, despite the seemingly impossible. I know there is no way Jacob could ever give up on Renesmee. I mean, he has imprinted. I just don’t want him to give up on himself. To actually believe that he’s not good enough for Renesmee. I can’t predict the future, that’s Alice’s job, but I know one day Nessie might fall in love with Jacob. I also know that I can’t think of a better person in this world that I would rather see her fall in love with.

I assured Jacob that there is no one better for Nessie. Jacob is her best friend. He protects her, makes her laugh and has helped her understand the meaning of unconditional love. We both agreed that it would be absolutely fine for Renesmee to be friends with Nahuel, but we weren’t going about it Rosalie’s way. It was almost as though she was trying to perform some sort of delusional arranged marriage. She wants things her way, regardless of if it makes Nessie happy, and I wont allow that to happen.

I could see Edward was trying to walk a line between furious and welcoming. He didn’t want to make Nahuel feel unwelcome. After all, this was not Nahuel’s fault, and we truly do not disapprove of Nessie being friends with him – we just don’t want Rosalie forcing them together, and shutting Jacob out while doing so. This isn’t her call to make.

Edward was mumbling, almost whispering something to Rosalie and she retorted in a loud, sarcastic sounding voice. “So Renesmee isn’t allowed to have friends other than Jacob? Because that’s really healthy for a child, to only have one friend.” She rolled her eyes and something in me snapped. I wasn’t afraid I would hurt her, I know I’m better than that. But, I was going to give her a piece of my mind.

I flew into the room where they were all standing awkwardly, yet still gracefully. I saw Carlisle’s eyes grow larger than normal out of my peripheral view as I stood there, face to face with Rosalie, my eyes locked on her seemingly confused eyes. For the first time since I have known Rosalie, I gave her an unabbreviated piece of my mind. “Listen, Rosalie. I like Nahuel. I love Renesmee. I love Jacob. This has nothing to do with Edward and I not wanting Nessie to have friends. That is completely ridiculous. I see what you are trying to do, and that is what makes me angry. You’re bothered by the fact that in this crazy world of vampires and werewolves, that Renesmee’s best friend happens to be a werewolf. Sure, imprinting might seem weird to you, and it seems weird to me, too. Craving human blood seems weird to Jacob, though, but it’s not something we can change. We can’t help the fact that we thirst for innocent humans, just like Jacob can’t help what he is.” I stopped for a moment, surprised by Rosalie’s expression. She was listening to everything I said. Her face looked softer, her features relaxed.

I lowered my voice once I knew that some of what I was saying was getting through to her, and continued. “Look, I understand that you were forced to do things in your life that… that you would not have chosen on your own. But that should have made you realize more than anyone that it’s not okay. It’s not okay to be forced to do something that you don’t feel in your heart. I don’t want Renesmee to feel obligated to like or dislike anyone. She can and will make her own decisions, and if you try to influence them anymore, I will have no choice but to leave – to take Nessie away from you so that you can’t do this to her anymore.” I felt Edward slip his hand around my waist, as though he was reinforcing everything I said.

Rosalie nodded her head, folded her hands together then walked out of the room. She didn’t say a word. She didn’t even say goodbye to Nahuel. I apologized to Nahuel for everything before he left and thankfully he understood. Alice walked him out and let him know that he was welcome to come back anytime. I half laughed to myself  as I thought of how dysfunctional Nahuel must think we all are, and that he probably would never take Alice up on her offer to come visit anytime soon.

A few minutes after Rosalie left the room, I followed after her. I didn’t want any hostility between us and I needed to know that she wouldn’t continue trying to control Nessie’s life. Everything felt so unfinished. So fragmented. Edward tried to follow behind, but I asked that he let me talk to her alone.

I have to go now, Alice and I are going shopping for Halloween decorations. She wants to make the new house the spookiest house on the street. This should be interesting. I will write again next week and let you know how our talk and the Halloween decorating went.


EDIT: Looking for a new dark love story to read? I have written a novella called, ‘My Darrling.’ (This is not the Willow series I’ve been working on, rather it’s a small side project.). You can read a preview and purchase ‘My Darrling’ HERE.




Dear Diary (I Understand)

Renesmee asked me, for the first time, if I have ever killed a human. She asked Edward, too. Her chocolate brown eyes were rich with curiosity, which caught me off guard. I wasn’t expecting this question so soon. I could tell by her casual tone of voice that she didn’t care either way, she wouldn’t think of us any differently, she just wanted to know. But how do I tell my perfect little angel, my Nudger, that I haven’t just killed one human, but I’ve killed two? How was Edward going to explain his past?

I remember being in Nessie’s situation. Curious. Thirsting for answers. I remember needing to know about the beautiful boy with the pale skin who took over my dreams at night. I also remember knowing that no matter what, I wouldn’t have judged Edward. When he told me he had killed humans, I loved him just as much. I was almost certain Renesmee wouldn’t look at us differently if she knew.

I let Edward into my head briefly to show him that I wanted to tell Renesmee the truth. His golden eyes pierced into mine, making me lose my train of thought for half a second, then he nodded in agreeance. I opened my mouth slightly, contemplating how to start, and before I got anything out, to my relief, Edward began speaking.”Renesmee, your Mother and I have had to face certain situations in life, because we are different. Things we can’t control. I can assure you, though, that we have never taken the life of anyone who was a good person.” He paused, looking down as if he wished he could take the words back, then continued, trying to justify what he just said. “I know it is not our role to play God, to decide if someone should live, or die. I will never claim that we did the right thing, but we are flawed. We have had to work hard to obtain the control we have now. Once you are a bit older, I plan on explaining my history to you. I want you to know everything about what we are, and understand everything that comes with being different.” Edward wrapped his hand around Nessie’s head and pulled her in close to him. I didn’t have anything left to say. Edward said everything perfectly.

Renesmee lightly pulled herself back from Edward so she could see his face and in her soft, innocent voice said “I Understand.” Her face was angelic and I could tell she was satisfied with Edward’s answer. When she looked over at me, I smiled and opened my arms for her to come give me a hug. Jacob knocked on the door just as Nessie gave me a small kiss on the cheek and I wondered how his timing was so perfect. I assumed he was listening outside of the door.

Jacob wanted to take Nessie on her first official tour of parts of New Hampshire. He also wanted to borrow Edward’s car. We know Renesmee will always be safe if she’s with Jacob, so it’s never an issue with us when he wants to take her somewhere. I know he would die before he let something happen to her. When Edward reads Jacob’s mind, he can hear how fiercely protective he is of Renesmee, and that, of course, puts Edward at ease.

Without even the slightest hesitation, Edward threw his car keys at Jacob and suggested some spots to take Nessie that he thought she would like. Edward’s face turned serious and his eyebrows knitted together for half a second as he reminded Jake to have Nessie back by her bedtime. Jake reassured us he would have her back more than early enough for bedtime, then grabbed her by her little, perfect hand and they left.

Edward talked to Carlisle about Rosalie and her attempts to take Nessie to visit Nahuel without mine or Edward’s consent. Edward simply explained that he doesn’t want to have to move away from the rest of the Cullen’s, but if this continues, Edward and I might have to move into our own house, away from Rosalie, in order to protect Nessie. It’s not that I don’t want Nessie to know Nahuel, because eventually I’m sure they will be friends. It’s just that I know Jacob loves Nessie with everything he has in him and I don’t want to cause any hostility between Nahuel and Jacob. I know that anyone who tries to take Nessie away from Jake could get hurt. He has imprinted on her and he will be there, always. Right now I just feel as though she is too young to have to worry about anything. She will be mature enough to make her own decisions soon – and that’s all I want, is for her to make her own choices based on what she feels in her heart. Not based on what Rosalie thinks would be better for her.

Carlisle is going to have a talk with Rosalie when the time is right, and let her know that Edward and I would rather leave than have to worry, constantly, about Nessie being forced into something. I decided on Edward based on nothing but my heart – and I want the same for Renesmee. I love Edward more than I could ever put into words and I hope that one day Nessie will get to feel the same way about someone.

I will write again soon, and let you all know what happened following Rosalie’s talk with Carlisle. Things definitely got… interesting.


EDIT: Looking for a new dark love story to read? I have written a novella called, ‘My Darrling.’ (This is not the Willow series I’ve been working on, rather it’s a small side project.). You can read a preview and purchase ‘My Darrling’ HERE.




Dear Diary (Trying To Adapt)

I quit. I can’t do this school thing over and over for my entire lifetime. What is the point of living forever if you are living the same life repeatedly, only in a different part of the world? I don’t know how they all do it. Rosalie and Emmett, Jasper and Alice… they go to school everyday, enduring all the strange looks, the whispers, and on top of it all they are constantly fighting the urge to attack and kill people to soothe the almost overwhelming burning sensation in their throats. And Edward, he literally has to listen to all the voices, their sometimes not so pleasant thoughts.

It isn’t the burning, scorching pain in my throat that I can’t handle. That, is the least of my worries. What is hard, though, is lying. Every morsel of my existence is a lie. I’m not really in school to learn. I have a lifetime to do that. I’m not just ‘dating’ Edward, he is my husband. I am not really eating the slimy slice of pizza on my plate at lunch time. And, I’m not avoiding people because I’m shy, that is just what I want people to think. I’m avoiding them so that I don’t risk exposure. My biggest fear is that I will somehow cause our kind to be exposed. Last time I risked it my Father had to become a vampire to save me, and himself.

When Edward and I walked into our first class I noticed Edward’s eyes squint and he let out a low hiss, too low for human ears to catch, but it sent my mind into overdrive. What did he hear? I was curious about what everyone was thinking, but terrified to know at the same time. I didn’t ask.

Although I’ve become moderately used to the staring, I could never get used to walking into a classroom and having every head in the room turn to look at Edward and I. I could never get used to people whispering, nonstop, about how Edward and I seem ‘different.’ Edward has had to endure this for so long that he is desensitized to it all. He does get mad when he hears anything about me in people’s thoughts, though. Particularly boys thoughts. He refuses to tell me exactly what they’re thinking, and I don’t ask. I don’t really care to know.

I was pleasantly surprised to see that Edward, and the rest of the Cullens, were not mad at me for my decision to no longer attend school here. They understood. Rosalie, surprisingly, was the most understanding and she made a few good points that helped melt my guilt away. “We lie about everything else as it is, Bella, it’s not like another lie about you choosing to be home schooled is going to make any difference. I think it’s safer this way. If you are not comfortable with this new life yet, it will show. No one is rushing you. Take your time and maybe you will be ready to go back to school the next time we relocate.” Her lips were stiff, her face expressionless, almost as though she was struggling to be nice. She had some good points, though.

I’m not ready. Time goes by so fast for me now that it seems like I was just turned. There is so much to adapt to still. Just because I am doing well with controlling my thirst doesn’t mean I will be good at fabricating stories about our lives and actually passing them off as real. I have never been a good liar.

Alice, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett are still attending school. They have fun with it. Alice and Jasper are juniors, while Rosalie and Emmett are seniors. Edward  has decided to stay back and pretend to be home schooled with me. Carlisle thinks it’s for the best, too. Edward would become miserable attending school, alone, without even one member of his family there. Understandable.

I’m still getting used to the new house. It’s so… ostentatious. I’m not complaining. We do need quite a lot of house to accommodate our large family – it’s just dissimilar. In an attempt to help me get used to New Hampshire, Edward took me on a scenic drive. We ended up in a town called Wolfeboro, ironically. What’s more ironic, though, is that afterwards Edward took me to Crescent Lake. The mere thought of that word, crescent, made me wrap my hand around my wrist and gave me vague flash backs of James. I will always have the memory of almost being taken away from Edward. It is now extremely vague, but it’s there.

Regardless of the memories, I had fun with Edward. We walked along the lake, watched the sunset and talked a lot. Edward is excited to start our new life and make new memories here, in New Hampshire. I know that no matter where I am in this world, as long as I’m with Edward, I’ll be fine. It doesn’t mean I will ever fully adapt to  continuously moving and living ceaselessly while every human around me passes away, but I’ll be fine. Edward is worth everything. I would, and did, give my life for him.

Once the sun set, we hunted in the forest nearby. The deer taste slightly different here. They aren’t quite as sweet as they are in Forks. Still good though. I started to miss Renesmee, and Edward could tell by the wandering expression on my face. He took my hand in his, and we ran back to my truck together, slowing to a walk as we got closer to the road we were parked on. Edward doesn’t mind driving my truck now. Since it has been redone, I noticed he actually wants to drive it… sometimes.

When we got back to the house, Jacob and Rosalie were arguing about something to do with Renesmee. Edward heard the argument in their heads and snorted at Rosalie, his lips curled down in disgust. “You do not have permission to take Renesmee anywhere, Rosalie. Argument over.” Edward glanced at Jacob, then back at Rosalie. “Jake, perhaps you could take Nessie back to your house for a bit. Bella and I will come grab her when it’s her bedtime.” Edward’s face was expressionless, his eyes were locked on Rosalie’s face even though he was speaking to Jacob. I instinctively grabbed Renesmee and placed her in Jacob’s arms.

When we went downstairs to our own little house, Edward explained that Rosalie was arguing with Jacob because she wanted to take Nessie on a trip, but, of course, Jacob wouldn’t let Rosalie take Nessie anywhere. She wanted him to keep it from Edward and I, too. Her plan was to take Nessie to see Nahuel, the other half vampire, half human. She asked Jacob to tell Edward and I that they simply went on a little trip, but thankfully, Jacob refused to let Nessie go anywhere. I don’t think Rosalie understands the impact that imprinting has on the wolves. Jacob would never let Renesmee go, ever.

I am so thankful that Jacob was there when Rosalie decided to attempt to take Renesmee. Edward is going to have a talk with Carlisle about Renesmee’s safety around Rosalie. I’m having a hard time trusting her right now, for obvious reasons. I just hope this doesn’t cause a rift in the family. I feel guilty, always. I understand that I was just this fragile human who came into this family after they already knew each other for years and years. I’m not trying to come between anyone, but I have to protect my daughter. Bottom line.

I will keep you all updated on everything here, so keep checking back to snoop through my diary.


EDIT: Looking for a new dark love story to read? I have written a novella called, ‘My Darrling.’ (This is not the Willow series I’ve been working on, rather it’s a small side project.). You can read a preview and purchase ‘My Darrling’ HERE.





Dear Diary (New Beginnings)

The house is impressive, but my enthusiasm stops there. The town itself is great, it just doesn’t feel like home. The rest of the Cullen’s, and even Charlie, are already somewhat settled in. Somehow, even though I loathed Forks when I first moved there, I loathed leaving even more.

Our new house is just outside of Hanover, New Hampshire in a a small community named Etna. With only 814 residents, Etna is smaller than Forks. Hanover is only a quick ten minute drive, and an even faster run from our house, though, which is where we go to school, at Dartmouth. Edward, ironically, found a place called Swan Lake Trail which is about a two hour drive from here. We plan on hunting there together tonight.

It is getting cold here already, which is a good thing for our kind. We get to cover up with jackets, hats and scarves, concealing our granite, bloodless skin. Although we don’t actually feel the cold, we have to pretend we do, of course. We have to pretend a lot of things.

Our moving trucks arrived at midnight like planned, and loading them up was almost as upsetting as packing was. Edward, Carlisle, Jasper and Emmett helped the movers load everything while trying to look as human as possible. Emmett slipped up once, though, and lifted the entire couch himself, effortlessly, right in front the youngest of the two movers. I noticed Edward’s eyes dart over to the man, who had his eyes locked on Emmett, and I knew he was reading his thoughts to see if the mover suspected anything. Emmett dropped the couch after he realized what he did and started mumbling something under his breath about how heavy the couch was. When we went back into the house to make sure we didn’t miss anything, Edward told me exactly what the man thought. “He didn’t suspect anything. I heard him earlier, thinking about how tall and muscular he thought Emmett looked. When Emmett lifted the couch, the man was simply blown away because he didn’t realize he would be quite that strong.” Edward grinned, and my cold body started to melt, every ounce of my existence felt like it was dripping onto the floor like a melted ice sculpture.

The flight was painful, to say the least. A little boy who was sitting in a seat directly behind us cut his finger open on a toy before boarding the plane. The wound was fresh and the smell was… aromatic, causing us all to feel the burning lava in our throats. We help each other, though. Jasper created an overall sense of calmness, while Charlie put his gift to good use by making us all feel almost overwhelmingly guilty. No one on that flight became a meal, thankfully.

When we arrived at the new house, I was blown away. Set deeply in about four different types of trees and tucked tightly away from the road, the house beamed with originality and Victorian Flair. Much different from the large white house in Forks. The huge off white wraparound porch stood out from the dark, reddish brick that covered the entire house. The “gingerbread trim” was the same color as the porch creating a beautiful overall contrast. The windows were huge and some were covered in vines. The leaves in the front yard were all different colors, from bright yellow to orange, and they covered the grass almost entirely.

The inside of the house was immaculate. Again, much different from the house in Forks. The front foyer was spacious and flowed into the rest of the house without walls separating the rooms. The huge winding staircase has a gold and dark-red runner going up the center of the dark truffle colored hardwood steps. The Ornamental brass railing on one side is anomalous and fits perfectly with the feel of the house.

Aside from the walls being pure white, the rest of the house has a lot more dark qualities than the Cullen’s last house – it is still very bright inside, just more vibrant. The kitchen looked like any kitchen that would come with an overpriced home like this one. Jacob was more concerned with that part of the house than we were. We wouldn’t get any use out of thekitchen, of course.

I couldn’t believe my eyes when I went downstairs and saw the private small home Carlisle promised  Edward and I. Esme had come down to New Hampshire earlier and completely recreated the raised basement to look like our cabin in Forks. Everything was the same. Identical. If it were possible for me to cry, tears would have been spilling out of my eyes and down my face. Edward already knew. Unfortunately when you can read minds, surprises lose all meaning. He was still blown away by how exact Esme managed to make everything and by the fact that she put so much thought into this for us.  I still don’t know how to thank her for everything. I will think of something, though.

Jacob fell in love with his small home in the backyard. It is his – something to call his own. Carlisle had a second room built in for Renesmee in Jacob’s small home. He figured she would be spending a lot of time there with Jacob. The inside of Jacob’s house is simple, the way he likes things. He has his own small kitchen, a bathroom, the two bedrooms and a stone fireplace – which I am assuming is for looks considering Jake is pretty much a heater himself.

Edward keeps telling me to give New Hampshire a chance. He thinks that with time I will grow to love it almost as much as Forks. It is hard for him to completely understand how significant Forks is to me, though. I haven’t lived very long, and for the short time I have lived, a lot of great things have happened. All of them took place in Forks. I am, however, more than happy that Esme recreated our cabin from Forks – sometimes I like to pretend we never left, that I am in our small home in Forks and that everything is back to normal.

In my next entry I will let you know how Edward’s and my hunting trip went, and of course let you know how our first day of school went. It was interesting – at least the looks people gave us were interesting.


EDIT: Looking for a new dark love story to read? I have written a novella called, ‘My Darrling.’ (This is not the Willow series I’ve been working on, rather it’s a small side project.). You can read a preview and purchase ‘My Darrling’ HERE.




Dear Diary (Goodbye Forks)

I took the beautiful, unique, oval ring from my left ring finger and without wanting to, I placed it on the pale, smooth ring finger on my right hand. Edward watched, his painful expression matching mine. This was about so much more than simply having to switch which hand my ring would be kept. This was the first step to a whole different life, a new identity. For someone who has never been good at lying, I was about to have to spend a lot of time doing it, or at least trying to.

Jacob is excited about our move to New Hampshire, oddly. Renesmee seems to be approaching the same maturity level as Jacob which has brought them closer together than ever. Once we, the Cullens… vampires, have left Forks, the wolves wont have to phase anymore, but Jake will be with us and continue to phase, which will allow him to stay with Nessie, always. This move is making him happy for more reasons than that, though. Jacob has always felt like he would be stuck in La Push forever, and he didn’t want that. I guess he sees this move to New Hampshire as a new beginning. I wish I could be so positive about it.

It’s fascinating, to see how used to this the rest of the Cullens are. They already have everything packed up and ready to go. No one sat around slowly packing boxes and reminiscing on old photos or souvenirs. It almost looked like routine. Their faces were expressionless, if not serene looking. I felt like I wanted to die inside. Everything I am, everything that means anything to me started in this town. I met Edward here. My life. Got reintroduced to Jacob, my best friend. I gave birth to my perfect angel in Forks and then so may things happened in between. I wanted to break down but everyone else was so calm, excited to start over.

I let Edward into my head in hopes that he could see how hard this is for me. I needed to talk about but, but I didn’t want to seem selfish. This is something that had to be done for our safety and all I could think was “I want to stay, forever.” Without even the slightest hesitation, Edward placed his smooth finger to my lips and in a low, silk like voice made it all better. “Bella, remember when you had a hard time leaving your Mother, in Phoenix? How you hated the thought of leaving behind everything you loved for this cold, gloomy town? It’s a normal reaction. You haven’t lived nearly as long as us, so this is all new to you. You’re not selfish, Bella. If anything we have been the selfish ones, for neglecting to take into consideration that this is all so new to you, and Charlie. I can promise you that once you’ve done this a number of times – you will get used to it. It will almost become second nature.” He half frowned, trying to match my mood.

I knew Edward was right, that my fear was a normal reaction that would pass with time. I had to stop and remind myself that he is the reason I’m here. I became what I am to be with Edward forever, and if that means moving all over the world, then that’s what I will do. Besides, I could be happy living in a tree as long as I had Edward and my family with me.

I have to admit, I am dreading school more than anyone could ever know. Not the school part so much, more so having to watch every single move I make to ensure I don’t slip up in any way that would let on that we are different. I’m not used to pretending. Not to this extreme, anyway. Carlisle told us to try to keep to ourselves as much as possible. It’s dangerous to make human friends for obvious reasons – but there’s so much more to it than that. We can’t make friends because even if we don’t slip up and have them as a meal, we could accidentally reveal that we are not human. It’s not hard to tell just by being near us for a few minutes as it is. There is simply no room for error.

In an attempt to remain discreet, we will be leaving in the middle of the night. Sometimes people in small towns can be nosy – so it’s better this way. The moving trucks will be here at midnight and we will all catch a flight shortly after. I haven’t seen the new  house yet, but Carlisle showed us pictures, and it is definitely impressive from what I could tell. Like I mentioned before, we are keeping the Cullen house, Charlie’s house and the cabin. We want everything to be the same for when we move back to Forks. After everyone has passed on. It’s sad to think about it that way. Almost eerie. Of course, we will come back to Forks for visits. Our cabin is always there when we need it.

I will let you know how everything worked out next week. I know that as long as I have Edward, everything will be okay. I hope.


EDIT: Looking for a new dark love story to read? I have written a novella called, ‘My Darrling.’ (This is not the Willow series I’ve been working on, rather it’s a small side project.). You can read a preview and purchase ‘My Darrling’ HERE.




Dear Diary (Hope & Fear)

I made sure Edward and I were not on the same team—competition can be healthy, after all. Alice, Charlie, Carlisle and I played  against Edward, Esme, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett. We gave their team an extra member to make up for the fact that our team had two strong new vampires.

My team lost—by a long shot. We had fun, though. Charlie was strong, but Edward’s speed  is hard to beat. We regretted giving them an extra member about half way through, once we realized we weren’t going to win. To be honest, I wasn’t keeping track of the score—I was too fixated on Edward, watching him so flawlessly dart through the trees, his sanguine expression . . . he melts me.

I don’t know how I can be so dead, yet feel so alive. I always feel so alive around Edward. When he’s having fun, his smile beams. He can almost make me crumble, regardless of my newly acquired strength.

Jacob and Renesmee played in the soaking-wet outfield—mostly just watching in amazement as the ball flew over their heads and out of their sight—while the blurred images of vampires shot in and out of the trees. Nessie has the strength to keep up with us, and she’s actually grown so much. She’s actually taking after Edward height-wise, but she insisted on staying in the field with Jacob.

While we were playing, Edward overheard Jacob’s thoughts and for the first time ever, Jacob was envious of us. Of vampires. Edward heard him wondering what it would be like to be able to have the strength and abilities we have. He was also thinking about how seamless his relationship with Nessie would be if he were a vampire. I never thought Jacob would think this way. He always seems so happy with himself—he’s always been my own personal sun, so bright and happy. Even when Jacob felt rejected after I chose Edward over him, he still never thought about life as one of us. It’s odd, actually, how things can change. Opinions change, people change, life changes.

When I checked my email today there were three messages from Renee. All sent within a seven hour time frame. The first one outlined how everything in her life was going “okay,” and how she wanted to come to Forks soon to see everyone. The tone, though written, gave away her dreary mood.

The second was sent almost immediately after the first, just because she accidentally sent the first too fast, before mentioning that she was available to come this weekend. She sent the third about seven hours later, and it pretty much consisted of her questioning why I haven’t gotten back yet, and a few blurbs about how she’s worried and will call if she doesn’t hear back soon.

I responded right away.

Renee is good at worrying, and the last thing I want is for her to become suspicious of anything.

After talking it over with everyone, I told Renee she should come for a visit at the end of the week. We are going to stay at Charlie’s house, and everyone will visit, of course. Renee insisted on staying in a hotel, but I told her she should save her money and just take my room. It’s not like I’ll need it, after all.

As for Charlie’s eyes—although he’s not happy about it—we’ve gotten him what seems like a human’s lifetime supply of brown contact lenses. Charlie’s suggestion wasn’t the most clever: he thought we could get away with telling Renee that red contacts were the “new thing.” I assured him she would catch on once she realized no one else was wearing them. He tried.

I already know I’ll be a nervous wreck when Renee is visiting. She can’t find out what we are. Last time a family member found out, he ended up becoming one of us in order to stay alive. This is not the life I would want for Renee. I mean, she’s a little ‘out there,’ but this is too much. They would try to destroy me, too. If Renee ever found out, another battle would ensue. I refuse to let that happen. I could never do anything to put my perfect angel in danger, either.

Time flies when you’re an immortal, and I know Renee’s visit will be fast. She will only be here for two short days. I can handle that, I think. It’s odd, actually, that a group of vicious, talented, exceedingly-strong vampires don’t scare me as much as Renee, a human. Of course, I’m more worried about her than anything, but worried nonetheless.

I hope I have nothing but good news to write in my next entry. I will update you all on Renee’s visit. Here’s to hoping for the best and fearing the worst.


EDIT: Looking for a new dark love story to read? I have written a novella called, ‘My Darrling.’ (This is not the Willow series I’ve been working on, rather it’s a small side project.). You can read a preview and purchase ‘My Darrling’ here!




Fan Made Breaking Dawn Poster! How cool is this…!?!

This is definitely a neat looking Breaking Dawn poster! I actually cannot wait to see the official posters for Breaking Dawn. I know it’s FAR away, but I can’t wait to see pregnant Bella & scared Edward. LOL. The artist of this beaut’ of a poster is ~krisi932. & I found this at Twilight Guide!





Dear Diary (Venom & Blood)

Q: If the vampires don’t have blood, then where did it go?  Did it just dry up?  Evaporate?  Or were they nearly drained of it by the one who changed them?

Stephenie Meyer: The blood left in a newborn vampire’s body is used–burned like fuel, the same way the blood they drink from others is used for fuel.  Here’s an analogy: think of it as the fat stores in your body.  You’re still eating, but you use those fat stores up, too, over time (though not always; more’s the pity, so the analogy isn’t perfect unless you are successfully dieting).  That blood left in them is used slowly over about a year.

Quote from Twilight Lexicon’s personal correspondence with Stephenie Meyer.


Dear Diary,

We just had one of the largest thunderstorms in Forks history. It’s almost always rainy here, constantly pouring down like slop from a bucket, but this was louder and stronger than anything I’ve ever seen or heard, ever. The ominous black clouds lingered over the tiny town of Forks, making it feel like twilight, even in the middle of the afternoon. The lightening crashed and crackled—it could have easily drowned out the sound of even the most intense game of vampire baseball.

We plan on playing baseball tomorrow, in the clearing. My first game of vampire baseball since becoming one of them. I can’t wait.  The storm is supposed to last days, tapering off gradually at times. The streets are already flooded, delivering a lot of wet basements to the good people of Forks. I think we’re the only ones in this town who can truly appreciate a storm. It’s like freedom to us. Freedom to venture out without the fear of the sun causing our skin to sparkle like embedded diamonds, giving away that we are different.

It will be Charlie’s first game of vampire baseball. His bright, blood-red eyes lit up when the thunder started rolling. He had been waiting for a storm big and loud enough to conceal the intense cracking sounds of a baseball game played by a bunch of rock-like, exceedingly strong vampires. I have a feeling Charlie is going to be one of the best players. Baseball is in his blood, or was.

Carlisle is still struggling to understand Charlie’s eyes. Unlike humans, he can’t just cut Charlie open and do an experiment. He has, however, discovered something strange. Something he’s never seen or heard of before.

While Nessie was resting on Charlie’s chest the other day, she started to say something, that, at the time I thought was in a different language. “Thumpbump. Thumpbump.” The sound was calming her, causing her big eyes to slowly droop shut, though she tried to fight it. Charlie looked at Nessie like she was a crazy alien child, concern gradually flooding his face.

Edward picked Nessie up and placed her in her bed, then called Carlisle over to the cabin. Edward pressed his ear to Charlie’s chest and heard the same weak, feeble, almost imperceptible beat.

“What. You think I have a heart beat or something?” Charlie smiled, but it didn’t touch his eyes.

I could see the concern behind his expression, and didn’t want him to worry, so I quickly joked back. “Yeah Dad, looks like your heart was just so big there was no stopping it.”

Carlisle was at the cabin almost instantly, and had his ear pressed into Charlie’s chest before he even spoke a single word. Edward and I waited silently, my eyes dancing between Charlie and Carlisle. I didn’t understand the calm look on Carlisle’s face. I hoped his calmness meant that nothing was wrong with Charlie, or that Carlisle had a better understanding of what was happening.

Edward pulled me into his chest, cupping his hand onto the ball of my shoulder, then he kissed the top of my head softly, not taking his eyes off of Carlisle. I couldn’t take the silence anymore.

“Carlisle, is everything okay, or..?” It came out more bitter than I intended it to.

Carlisle looked up at me, then shot a knowing glance in Edward’s direction. He knew Edward could read his thoughts. I jerked away from Edward and demanded he tell me what Carlisle was thinking.

As Edward was about to speak, Carlisle interrupted. “I really don’t understand it. Every so often I hear a light, almost undetectable beat. Even with my heightened hearing, it’s still extremely vague. They aren’t timed, either. It almost seems as though you can hear each beat getting weaker and weaker, just slightly, though.” Carlisle was clearly confused, something I wasn’t used to.

In a very calculative fashion, Carlisle started theorizing. He thinks it’s a mix of things. Charlie’s heart could have been too weak to push the venom through his entire system, which would eventually cause it to completely burn the veins and stop the heart in a normal transformation. However, because of Charlie’s weak heart, due to the bullet wound which was followed by surgery, Charlie doesn’t seem to have had a normal transformation.

Carlisle thinks Charlie’s age is a factor, too. He’s in his forties, which could also be another reason his heart didn’t push the venom through his system properly. He was weaker than someone in their teens or twenties. Not everyone survives the change, either. Charlie is still considered lucky, we all are.

I don’t know a lot about medical stuff when it concerns vampires—they didn’t exactly teach us that in school, but Carlisle tried to explain it to me. I didn’t understand, at all, so Edward tried explaining it, too.

Basically, Carlisle concludes that Charlie had an aortic insufficiency. In aortic insufficiency, when the pressure in the left ventricle falls below the pressure in the aorta, the aortic valve is not able to completely close. This causes a leaking of blood from the aorta into the left ventricle. This means that some of the blood that was already ejected from the heart is regurgitating back into the heart. So when Charlie was bit, the venom couldn’t act effectively because his heart was regurgitating blood, and venom, not allowing the venom to flow through his veins at full pressure. If the venom was being regurgitated, it couldn’t flow throughout his body to completely kill it, like normal. When the venom would attack his heart, he would regurgitate more blood, not letting the venom to completely stop his heart or completely dry up his veins—which is also why his eyes are still so red.

Unlike most newborns, he isn’t burning his human blood as fast because his heart is still slowly, faintly pumping. His eyes will remain red, forever.

Otherwise, nothing else is different. Charlie is still inhumanly strong, he still craves blood, he’s fast, and there’s a chance his heart will eventually completely stop due to lack of activity. A small chance, but it could happen.

The small amount of blood in Charlie’s system won’t cause our throats to burn, either. Similarly to how we cannot smell human blood on non-vegetarian vampires, and how newborn vampires who still have some human blood flowing through them don’t cause us to become thirsty.

Carlisle assured me and Charlie that there’s nothing to worry about, except for maybe the fact that Charlie will always be a little stronger than the rest of us. I can live with that, though. We’re playing vampire baseball tomorrow, I already reserved a spot on my team for Charlie. I guess, technically, baseball is still in his blood.

I’ll let you know how the game went in my next entry.


Here is another description of the “conversion” process as described by Stephenie Meyer:

Q: If someone’s bitten with loads of venom right by the heart, how quick is the conversion and is it more painful than a regular conversion? Were some of the Cullen’s transformations worse than others?

A: About the conversion process… If there is a lot of venom in the human’s system, the pain is more intense to begin with. Like fire, the venom burns through the body. So, with fire in more places, there is more pain at the outset. When Bella was bitten by James, the fire was only in her hand. Painful enough, but not as bad as if she had several bites. Of course, this is only at the outset. If James’ venom had been allowed to spread through Bella, it would have over time made its way through her whole system, and the pain eventually would have been just as intense as if she’d been deliberately infected with multiple, well-placed bites (jugular, wrists, ankles, etc.). So, all that early pain as the venom wound through her system is extra–an added portion of pain that doesn’t in anyway cut down the time or the intensity of the greater pain. The greatest pain begins when the venom is all the way through the body, through the heart, and it starts meeting itself in the veins again and then burning them dry. It moves slower than blood because it’s thicker. Each beat of the heart can only push it so far. The changing/burning process is slow. The venom has to leak through to every cell before it ends. It took Carlisle a little more than three days because his bites were not deliberate or well-placed. It can be as short as two.

EDIT: Looking for a new dark love story to read? I have written a novella called, ‘My Darrling.’ (This is not the Willow series I’ve been working on, rather it’s a small side project.). You can read a preview and purchase ‘My Darrling’ here!


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