Dear Diary (Ruby Eyes)

Charlie’s eyes are still a startling crimson color. They haven’t faded, at all. Unusual. In fact, they seem to be becoming more bright with time. He only drinks the blood of animals, and hasn’t ever fed off a human, ever. Normally, only vampires who drink human blood – and, of course,  newborns – have such a frighteningly red eye color. Mine are now completely golden, and turn black when I’m extremely hungry.

Wearing contacts around all the time isn’t a realistic option for Charlie. He hates them. Sunglasses just look suspicious. It’s Forks after all. Always gloomy – no need for sunglasses. Although Charlie likes to joke that he’s “defected,” I’m actually worried. Unlike humans, our kind have not been studied so in depth. Even Carlise is uncertain as to why Charlie’s eyes are still the same burning shade of red they were the first day he became one of us, if not brighter.

We have to move, too. Carlisle doesn’t want to go to New Hampshire until we figure out what it is that’s keeping Charlie’s eyes from turning golden. He doesn’t see the point in causing suspicion about what we are in two different towns. If the good people of Hanover, New Hampshire were to somehow see Charlie’s eyes, we would have to leave immediately. We’re going to remain here, in Forks, until Carlisle can fully understand why Charlie is different from the rest of us.

As of right now, Carlise only has one theory. And so far, it’s nothing more than just a theory, either.  When Charlie was shot in the line of duty, Carlisle had to operate. Charlie was left with an infection in his chest, extremely close to his heart. Carlisle thinks that maybe – because part of Charlie’s heart was calloused from the wound – the venom couldn’t spread throughout his entire heart. Therefore Charlie could still have some blood flowing through his body. Not a lot, or enough to consider him “alive” – but enough to keep his eyes a flaming, almost liquid ruby color. Enough for him to still have a extraordinarily feeble heart beat.

Until Carlisle does some sort of test, we wont know for certain, though. It’s extremely confusing not only to Carlisle, but to all of us. Charlie only craves blood, and like any other vampire, he can’t stand the taste of food and describes it as tasting like “dirt” or “mud.” He’s strong, fast, cold-skinned and even has a gift. Everything else is the same, except his eyes.

I don’t mind that our move has been delayed. It wont be put off for too long, anyway. Carlisle will work fast to figure this out – and when he does, I’ll be sure to let you all know if his theory was indeed right – or if there’s some other hidden reason. Right now, I only care about Charlie’s safety. Carlisle is almost one hundred percent sure that Charlie is okay, but I know I’ll be a nervous wreck until I know for sure. Until something has been confirmed, proven.

In other news, Renee wants to come visit… without Phil. She called today and the tone of her voice was somewhat dreary. When I asked if everything was okay, she assured me that everything was “fine,” but I know Renee better than that. When I asked about Phil – and why he wasn’t coming – she danced around my questions and gave me quick, mindless responses.

I told her I would get back to her about a good time to visit. Told her I needed to talk to the family to make sure everyone agreed on a date. Really, I’m just buying some time to figure out how, exactly, we’re going to work her into a house full of vampires – and somehow keep it a secret, and keep her alive. We’ll probably have her visit at Charlie’s house in town, and just have Charlie, Edward, Renesmee and myself stay with her at the house, while Carlise, Esme, Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, Alice – and of course Jacob – stop in for a visit or two.

I know Renee will ask questions, and notice that we do things that normal humans don’t, but I’m prepared to handle anything she throws my way. I wont make the same mistake I did with Charlie, by telling him what we are. I wont risk our lives, or hers. She can suspect what she wants, but I’ll never admit to anything and will do whatever it takes to hide the truth. Anything. For her safety, and the safety of the rest of my family.

For now I’m going to go read the ending of my favorite book, Edward’s Diary. I’m almost completely through the second one. I have to say, if it were possible for me to cry – the pages of that diary would be nothing but wet, smeared ink. Sometimes I find myself re-reading certain lines that Edward wrote about me; trying to digest the emotion behind every word. Of course, I’ll eventually post more entries from Edward, too.

Will Write Again Soon,

-Bella Cullen

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Dear Diary (Edward’s Diary)

I couldn’t have prepared myself enough for how deeply consumed I would become with reading Edward’s Diary. It’s been absolutely heartbreaking reading the black book with the red ribbon wrapped around it. The one from before Edward met me.

I’m not ready to post one of his diary entries yet, but one quote from what I’ve read  has stood out more so than anything I’ve read so far in his diary -more than anything Edward has ever said.

“The days flow numbly into the nights. There is no separation between the two. I have nothing to live for – yet here I am, a blood-thirsty immortal. A vampire. I wish Carlisle would have let me slip away, let me die. I was only a few breaths away from resting in peace, forever. Instead, I’m stuck here, trying to figure out what the point of my existence is, exactly. Trying to fight my urges – wanting nothing more, yet nothing less than to be a masochistic monster. Although I know Carlisle had good intentions, I also know for certain that I have no intentions of living forever. My destruction wont be easy, but in the end, I know I cannot live in this dark, lonely world forever. Nothing will stop me from eventually abandoning this perplexing, abstruse existence of mine. Nothing.”

When I think of a world without Edward, all I see is a dark, black hole. Nothingness. It’s hard to digest the fact that Edward could have had himself destroyed, and that what we have could have so easily never existed. Renesmee… immortality… eternal love…none of this would have happened. If I never would have met Edward, I wouldn’t have ever known what unconditional love was. I would have never known what it’s like to love someone so much, that you’d give your life for them. To be with them, always.

Reading Edward’s diary, so far, has made me appreciate him more than ever – if that’s even possible. My understanding of the things he has had to ensure is becoming more and more clear with each page I read. Edward’s writings are so powerful, so profound. It was all written a long time ago, too – and it can be hard to understand at times, but Edward helps me with the parts that aren’t clear to me.

Earlier today, Jacob was visiting – spending time with Renesmee, of course. Edward and Alice went to go look at this years Porsche Turbo’s together, which meant I had some time alone to kill. In that time, I managed to read a rather large chunk of the black book that had the red ribbon on it – that I now use as a bookmark. I stumbled across one entry of his that I would like to share with you next time I write.

For now, I’m going to see what Charlie is up to. I think he was mentioning something about him and I hunting together. I have to admit, it’s odd when bonding with your Dad goes from sharing a pizza and running through the days events at the dinner table, to tackling wild animals and drinking their blood together.

-Bella

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Dear Diary (No Other Option)

The familiar downward slanting alley gave me vague flashbacks of a time when I was more fragile, human. Edward kept himself one pace ahead of me, protectively, holding my hand the entire time. He’s still just as protective of me as he was when I was a fragile, weak human. Feeling his hand sewn into mine was about the only thing at this point that was keeping me from plowing down the two cloaked men ahead of us and running to find Renesmee, destroying everyone in my path. I couldn’t do anything to put her fragile life in jeopardy, though.

We came to the hole at the end of the alley, and slid down it one by one while Felix and Demetri watched, their penetrating eyes mostly on Charlie, who was hesitant about ducking into the small, black hole that looked like a drain. He knew we didn’t have a choice, though, and ducked into the drain like opening right before me.

After walking deeper into the ground and following Felix, who assumed the position of leader, while Demetri walked behind all of us, we got to the brightly lit room. I remembered this part. Not so much the room, but the feeling of being reunited with Edward. I remembered feeling his protective embrace, being afraid that it would be the last time we saw each other after only being reunited for what seemed like a minute. I was so confused then. So scared. I wasn’t afraid this time, though. Not even after I saw Jane waiting for us in the elevator, looking at Edward – grinning her pain inducing grin. I had my shield stretched over my family, of course.

Edward froze just as Alice lifted two fingers to her temple. She was seeing something, and Edward was reading her thoughts. They couldn’t say anything, though, so they continued on as if nothing was happening. Edward could feel how frustrated I was becoming because I couldn’t see what him and Alice could, so he mumbled a quick explanation in a low, soft voice which was almost drowned out by all of our footsteps. “Nessie is with Aro. They don’t want to hurt her. Alice can only see Aro, but she said he’s decided not to hurt Nessie. He simply wants to try to get some of our family to join their coven.” He wanted to say more, but Demetri was just a couple of steps behind us, eyeing our overly conspicuous facial expressions. My shoulders relaxed slightly, and a small portion of the anger that was burning through me was extinguished with Edward’s words. I wondered, momentarily, if it was Jasper creating a more calm atmosphere, though.

Once we stepped out of the elevator, we were in what looked like a reception area. Behind the mahogany counter was the tall, dark skinned, greened eyed girl named Gianna. She nodded and smiled at each of us, individually, paying the most attention to Edward, her eyes lingering on his face just a little longer than the rest of us. I could tell she remembered me. Her big, green eyes grew and she half smiled as she realized I was different this time. She looked the same, from what I can remember.

Eventually we were met by Alec, who joined us as we were led through the door to the large, bright, cavernous room. Alec and Jane almost intuitively grabbed each others hands, smiling, their innocent faces so similar. Alec’s voice was animated, clashing with the mood I was in, which agitated me even more. I don’t think I even so much as looked at him when he greeted me.

My body stiffened up when I saw the chalky looking, milky eyed man before me. Aro welcomed each of us with a soft nod, keeping a close eye on Charlie. I scanned the room over and over, looking for my angel. I didn’t see her anywhere. Aro began to speak, and it was relieving to hear his voice, oddly. He sounded pleasant, not angry enough to cause any harm to our gorgeous little girl. “I don’t believe I was given a proper introduction to your father, Bella.” He moved his translucent finger slowly in Charlie’s direction, glancing at him for a fraction of a second, then back at me. “If you don’t mind, I would love to meet the new member of your family.”

Charlie wasn’t up for the small talk. He was almost snappy in his response to Aro. “I don’t think that’s important right now. We’ll have a proper meeting once my granddaughter is returned, safe. And, I’m not a new member, I’ve always been Bells’ Father.” Charlie’s eyes, still a piercing red, didn’t leave Aro’s now shocked face.

“Well, then, I would like to welcome you regardless, Charlie,” Aro replied with his feathery voice. A few unfamiliar vampires almost rushed to Aro’s side, unsure of Charlie’s motives. It was clear to them that Charlie was a newborn, too. His eyes beamed brighter than theirs, oddly. They didn’t know whether or not Charlie had a gift and I could tell this made the Volturi members extremely uneasy. I didn’t mind, though.

I heard whispers and graceful footsteps coming in through the door behind us, but was too focused on Aro to turn to see who it was. I heard Alice softly call Carlisle’s name under her breath, then turned to see Esme, Emmett, Rosalie and Carlisle being guided in by Caius. I brought my stare back to Aro, who was welcoming them all with a genuine looking smile. I was more than thankful to see them.

I thought my heart was going to start beating again, somehow, when I saw Renesmee being carried into the room by a woman bodyguard. I wanted to run over to her and grab her, but I controlled myself, knowing that one wrong move could be fatal. We all instinctively balled our hands into fists and moved in a slight crouch, Edward and Rosalie letting out growls. Nessie reached out her little hand and called Jacob’s name. I smiled at her, hoping to relieve any fear she might have had, then mouthed the words “I love you” to her. She looked at all of us and said “I love you, too.” Rosalie reached her graceful hand out in Nessie’s direction and promised her that as soon as they were back home, she would teach her how to fix a car. Nessie smiled, then in her soft, innocent voice tols us that she misses all of us. Edward promised her that she would be back home with us, soon.

Aro assured us of what we already knew. “We wont hurt the precious little girl. That was never our intention. We were just hoping, that perhaps, instead of sacrificing the little girl, that you would be willing to sacrifice one of your most gifted family members.” His face seemed more serious than normal.

Edward’s voice was brash and toneless, making his response sound factual. “Actually, we wont be sacrificing anyone. What you’ve done, and what you’re doing is wrong. You are here to keep the peace, and we do not want any trouble with you – but if you do not leave my family alone, we will do whatever it takes to make sure we wont have to deal with you again.” Edward’s expression never changed.

The number of guards began to grow and were starting to build a half circle around Aro. They moved in closer once it became evident that we were becoming more and more impatient. I knew this wasn’t going in a good direction, and when Aro asked the guard to take Nessie away, I felt my jaw snap shut, and my upper lip lift exposing my top teeth. I only got to see her for what seemed like half a second, and watching her being taken away, by strangers, was unbearable.

Aro began again, speaking with confidence, knowing he found our one weakness. “I can see you are not willing to reason. We will keep the little girl hidden away, then. Perhaps you can return when you change your mind. Felix and Demetri will escort you back out. I am truly sorry for our last few meetings, they surely haven’t been on good terms. Lets hope the next meeting will be.” He nodded at Carlise, then motioned for Felix and Demetri to take us away.

We weren’t leaving without Nessie, though. I didn’t have any other option. I shot one quick glance at Edward, then at Charlie and lunged my teeth into Felix’s neck, twisting his head audaciously while tearing chunks out of other parts of his body. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Edward tossing Demetri into the stone ground. I could hear hisses and growls and thunder – like bangs, but didn’t have time to stop to look around me.

Chaos, again…

-Bella

Tags: Edward and Bella, Twilight Fan Site, Edward Cullen, Bella Cullen, CHarlie Swan, Jacob Black, Renesmee Cullen, Carlie Cullen, Alice Cullen, Rosalie Hale, Jasper Hale, Volturi

Dear Diary (Reveal)

Charlie didn’t take it so well.

In fact, he is pretty much in disbelief. It was expected, though. I had a difficult time actually saying what I am. Oddly, when I tried to say the word vampire to Charlie, it got caught in my throat, wouldn’t come out. Edward had to finish my sentence for me. Then, after Edward blurted it out, I actually considered denying it… until I realized how crazy that would have made Edward seem. It didn’t help that Charlie asked Edward to repeat himself, four times.

The funny thing is, when I say that I’m a vampire out loud, I start to question my own sanity. All the myths and stereotypes I heard growing up left me with a distorted view of what a vampire really is. If I learn to let go of those preconceived notions, I think I will start to accept – and more readily believe – that I am, in fact, a vampire.

The whole time we were explaining ourselves to Charlie, Edward could, of course, read his thoughts. This was very frustrating for me because I wanted so badly to know what Charlie was really thinking. I didn’t want to make him scared or uncomfortable in anyway. Edward shot me the odd reassuring glance  to let me know everything was okay, thankfully.

Charlie spent the majority of the conversation with his hand wrapped tightly around his Rainier beer, his knuckles turning whiter than mine. A few beads of sweat drizzled down his face, and his chest heaved up and down as his heart rate sped up.

Once we finished talking, we asked him if we could step outside in the back yard, while the sun was still shining, to show him how our skin glistens. He said he’d “rather not.”

Typical.

We went outside anyway, though. His curiosity got the best of him, and he followed us. I was wearing a loose fitting, short–sleeved peach colored dress, cut just below my knee. As soon as I stepped out into the sun, Charlie’s eyes lit up and his face had so many inexplicable expressions.

I was petrified.

Again, Edwards mind–reading would have come in handy for me. I didn’t know if Charlie thought it was beautiful, or completely horrific. Then, he said it, he answered my question as though he could read my mind. “Bells, you’ve always been my beautiful little girl. This though, this is angelic. You… you’re gorgeous.”

Finally, relief.

Then Charlie collapsed.

Edward was on the phone to Carlisle, seemingly before Charlie even hit the ground. Later Edward explained he heard Charlie say he was feeling “extremely light–headed” in his thoughts.

I was extremely worried about Charlie, but I was more upset over the fact that I couldn’t do anything for him. I couldn’t risk getting that close to him. I still don’t know my own strength.

One wrong move, and I could kill Charlie.That thought scared me more than anything.

Edward and I hadn’t been hunting in a while, either. My throat felt like sandpaper that had been lit on fire. I knew I had control, for the most part, but I didn’t want to risk anything.

Luckily Carlisle arrived very shortly after Edward had called. Charlie was slipping in-and-out of consciousness the whole time, saying things that didn’t make sense. Carlisle worked his magic and had Charlie back in the house, in his bed, sipping some sort of fluid that had electrolytes in it.

For obvious reasons, I decided to hold off on telling Charlie about Nessie. One thing at a time. Before we left, though, we explained to Charlie that he couldn’t tell a soul. And, I gave him a brief description of the Volturi. He was half–listening to me and half glancing quickly from Edward to Nessie and back to me in disbelief. I told him to rest and figured I would tell him the rest once he recovered from the shock of everything.

I kissed him on the head, then left.

Carlisle stayed behind for a few hours to watch over Charlie, even though Charlie claimed to be “just fine.” Though all of this was very dramatic, the real drama didn’t start until Edward, Nessie and I returned to the Cullen house. I have a few things I need to take care of right now, but I will write again soon and let you know exactly what happened once we got back from out visit with Charlie.

-Bella

Dear Diary (Be Safe)

“There was a piece of white paper folded on my seat. I got in and closed the door before I unfolded it. Two words were written in his elegant script.”

‘Be Safe.’

I was visiting with Charlie today. This time alone. I figured that, since Sue wouldn’t be there today, we could spend some one-on-one time together, alone. I no longer worry about being alone around humans, either. Especially not my family. I could never hurt Charlie. Somehow, his scent isn’t the most appealing to me, anyway. Needless to say, though, I did go hunting with Edward yesterday as a precautionary measure.

Charlie is doing quite well now. He’s walking around, smiling and even cooking for himself. Sue left a few simple recipes on his fridge. She knows how easily he can lose his way around the kitchen.

My visit seemed extremely brief, to me. Though, in reality I stayed with Charlie for about three hours. Time really does go by expeditiously when you have all the time in the world. Literally, all the time in the world. I vaguely remember that, as a human, time would seem to crawl by; it almost seemed as though it were moving backwards some days. Those were usually the days I was looking forward to seeing Edward at school the next day, though. Time couldn’t go by fast enough when I knew I would be seeing his angelic face.

Before I left Charlie’s house, I went upstairs to the bedroom that was mine when I lived in that house. For some reason, a surge or unexplained energy came over me and, all alone in my old room, I couldn’t help but smile.

I carefully sat down on my bed and ran my fingers over the purple comforter that was neatly draped over the mattress. I looked around the room, slowly, taking everything in. I had never noticed the room badly needed a new paint job until now, of course. My old computer sat there on the work table I used to sit at, where I’d either study or compose emails for Renee – to keep her informed on my life in Forks. This usually consisted of me trying to make her believe I didn’t mind it here, though at the time I very much disliked Forks. I loathed Forks.

After sitting for a minute on my old bed, and taking in my old human scents, I decided to go into my closet to see what kind of memories I could dig up from in there. Not surprisingly, I found a shoebox that was full of things which had sentimental value to me. I had always been a bit of a hoarder.

Once I opened the box, nothing seemed familiar. My human memories were rather vague in that moment, and I couldn’t piece together who or what most of the items in the box came from. Trying to remember why I had a brown shoelace – with 3 knots tied in it –  stashed away in the shoe box was an impossibility.

Before I closed the shoe box, which was almost falling apart, I shifted everything on top over to the side in an attempt to steal a quick glimpse of what was in the very bottom of the box, still trying to recognize something, anything.

Folded, in the very bottom of the box, was a white piece of paper. My curiosity got the best of me and I snatched it up in one swift movement, then unfolded it quickly, though carefully. On the piece of paper read two words:

“Be Safe.”

For a moment I didn’t know why tears weren’t pouring down my face already. You’re a vampire now, an immortal, you don’t tear up, I told myself as I unnecessarily inhaled a large gulp of air. Inside, though, I was overwhelmed with numerous inexplicable emotions.

I remembered the day Edward left that sweet note in my truck. Alice had brought my truck to school for me because Edward was my ride that day, but he had to leave in the afternoon to go hunting because he was planning on taking me to the meadow; he was going to reveal himself to me the next day.

He wanted to make sure he hunted before being alone with me in the middle of the meadow.
I remember, though a fragile human, feeling so safe with Edward. I remember his note making me feel like someone would always be watching out for me. And, I remember how it felt to love him, as a human. Funny thing is, I always felt safer, stronger and almost invincible compared to other humans once Edward was in my life. It’s now scary to think of how unaware I was of my state of fragility. How unaware I was of his strength, what he was capable of.

Still crouched on the floor in my old bedroom, I closed the shoe box and kept the white paper in my hand. Almost instinctively, I brought the paper to my nose and breathed in the scent. I could smell Edward on it. Though only slight, it was enough to make a smile creep up on my face before I even noticed.

My smile quickly retracted once I began to remember how excited I would get when Edward would come through my window in the middle of the night to watch me sleep, or how each touch was an epic occurrence that would make my heart seem as though I were wearing it on the outside of my body. I remembered how he would be there waiting for me before school in the mornings, with that beautiful grin of his, as excited to see me as I was to see him. And, though extremely vague, I remember the first time his lips pressed against mine. So smooth, so hard, so sweet smelling. Again, I had to remind myself that vampires don’t tear up as the vague memories of my human life revisited me.

There are a lot of things I do miss about being in a relationship with Edward as a human. From what I recall, I got a rush from the danger and unpredictability of our relationship. I loved how gentle he had to be with me, though at the time it could get frustrating. Most of all, I miss the way the blood would rush into my cheeks when he gazed into my eyes, and my heart would pound once he spoke. These things are so foreign to me now. I will never feel my heart race again, or feel the warmth overcome my face from embarrassment.

I miss it.

In return, though, I got so much more. I gained a spot in the only world I know, a world with Edward. I always remind myself of that. I get an eternity with the very boy who made my heart race. I got to have a beautiful daughter with Edward. I get to be intimate with him, anytime I want. It was all definitely worth it.

I placed the paper in the chest pocket of the shirt I was wearing, shoved the box back into the closet, took one last look around at my room, then flew down the stairs to say goodbye to Charlie. It was getting late and I wanted him to get some rest. I also wanted to get back home, to hold Edward in my arms as tightly as possible. I missed him, more than I had in a long time. I felt the need to be in his arms for some reason. Finding the sweet note he had written me made me fall even deeper in love with him.

I didn’t know how deeply I could possibly fall, but I kept on falling.

For now, I’m going to go up to the Cullen house for a bit with Nessie, Edward and Jacob. Esme and Rosalie would like to spend some time with Renesmee.

I’ll write again soon, as I always do.

-Bella Cullen

Dear Diary (Moody)

Emmett and Rosalie enjoyed their hunt with Baylor today. They all seem to get along great. Emmett loves the early spring, when the bears are coming out of hibernation and are more irritable than ever. Though not a challenge for him, Emmett likes to hunt grizzly when they’re more vicious, moody.

Once they were finished hunting, they all came back to the Cullen house, where I was, along with Renesmee, Edward and Jacob. I was a little hesitant about Baylor meeting Jacob, but – aside from one small ‘bloodsucker’ comment under his breath – Jacob was relatively welcoming. Well, as welcoming as Jacob could be after finding out there was yet one more vampire residing in Forks now.

To my surprise, Baylor was extremely comfortable around Jacob, aside from his nose crinkling once or twice. We can’t help being repulsed by the smell of werewolves; similar to how the werewolves find our smell pungent.

Although at first Jacob was unnecessarily protective of Nessie around Baylor, he did become more relaxed as they conversed. It was nice to see everyone getting along, though.
I have to admit, at first, I thought things would be really different with Baylor here, but really, it feels the same. He is almost like Edward’s replacement. Emmett likes to goof around with him a lot – they act like brothers already. The only issue between Emmett and Baylor is that Baylor loves grizzly, too. This could get competitive. Good thing Emmett likes a challenge.

Alice has already seen great things for Baylor. She had a vision of him finding love, even. For some reason this thought scares me – the thought of him potentially falling in love with a human. I wont worry about the future, though. For now, I want to enjoy each moment as it comes.I’ll leave the future to Alice to worry about.

Edward is a little bit moody today. Though he is trying to understand Jacob and Renesmee’s relationship, it’s still hard for him to watch Nessie grow closer and closer with Jacob. She is growing closer to Jacob than she is to Edward now, and naturally, this is making Edward become slightly unhinged. We’re both aware of the fact that the unavoidable is going to happen, eventually. Jacob will – one day soon – become Renesmee’s husband.

The funny thing is, I don’t think Edward would choose any other person in the world to take his daughter’s hand in marriage. It’s not Jacob that gets Edward upset. It’s just that he feels as though his daughter is slipping away, faster-and-faster as the days go on. Neither of us expected for her to grow up so fast. Her intelligence is astounding, her growth rate is shocking and her presence in our lives has been a blessing. Her presence will always be here, she will just be forever bonded with Jacob. Like Edward, I cannot think of another person who I would rather see my beautiful little angel with. I know Jacob will always keep her safe, keep her happy.

In order to ease Edward’s tension, I often remind him of the fact that Charlie had to watch me slip away from him and into Edward’s arms, indefinitely. Then, he had to deal with my suspicious, rather alarming appearance change.

“I know, Bella. You’re right. It’s just a different feeling from anything I’ve felt before. I’ve never been… a Dad. It takes some getting used to.” Edward leaned in towards me, his breath dancing on my lips, and softly pressed those perfectly sculpted lips of his to mine. Though cold, I felt like I was on fire, as I always do around Edward. He has a way of igniting a flame inside of me; different, of course, from the scorching flame in my throat that flames up when I’m near human blood.

For now I’m going to go spend time with Nessie, Jacob and my love, Edward.

Will write again soon.

-Bella

Dear Diary (Back From Isle Esme)

Having speed, strength, immortality… it’s great. However, the simple things – like being able to spend time at Isle Esme with Edward without him having to fear for my life, my safety – mean the most to me.

This was our real honeymoon. Our chance to be together, without fear, without questions and without the pain of a half-human, half-vampire child growing inside of me. It was the best honeymoon anyone could have asked for.

“I cannot live without my life! I cannot die without my soul.”
-Heathcliff (Wuthering Heights)

This was the quote Edward had inscribed onto the bracelet he had waiting for me at Isle Esme. He’s known for a long time about my inexplicable fascination with Wuthering Heights and, without my knowing, he re-read the entire novel and picked it apart in an attempt to understand me better. He said this quote meant a lot to him, and reminded him of when he thought he had lost me when Nessie was growing at incredible speeds inside of me. He felt guilty, as if he were my killer, much like how Heathcliff felt about Catherine Earnshaw.

This bracelet means a lot to me. So much thought was put into it, and the fact that it means a lot to Edward makes it even more special. I wear it on the opposite wrist of the silver bracelet Jacob gave me with the tiny wooden wolf – which later was accompanied by a small heart shaped crystal from Edward.

It is made of white gold, and feels smooth in texture against my cold, hard wrist. The quote is engraved along the front, and where it ends, the clasp for adjusting the bracelet begins. It’s really beautiful, almost as beautiful as Edward.

While at Isle Esme, Edward showed me how great it feels to be under the clear blue water with the ability to go without oxygen indefinitely. Everything under the water was so clear to me. Every grain of sand sparkled from a different direction as the sun beamed down  into the water. Every bubble vanished almost as fast at it came. Every creature had a different texture, clearly visible to me, even under the dark water.

It was incredible, breathtaking.

Aside from swimming with the porpoises, we watched the sunset every single night and spent time in the small jungle. Everything was so vibrant. The colors on the parrots, the texture of their feathers, the green of the jungle, the suns rays beaming off the water. It was all so beautiful. I vaguely remember my first time at Isle Esme, and though it still seemed beautiful… it was nothing like this.

I somehow feel selfish for the amount of closeness I got with Edward during our visit. Laying on the sand watching the sun set, twisted around him and feeling his lips press against the top of my head was the best feeling in the world. We spent countless hours laughing together, exploring the island, watching sappy movies, discussing our future together – and of course, we took advantage of our ability to be fearlessly intimate.

Kaure was there. The cleaning lady who is quite frankly petrified of Edward; who Edward believes is onto something. When she first saw me, she hastily mumbled a bunch of words I couldn’t understand, looked me up-and-down, then again… and again, then she finally ran off after a single bead of sweat slowly began to drip down the side of her face. I suspect she sees that I am different now. She suspects I am one of them.

When Edward and I returned back to Forks, we couldn’t wait to see Nessie. For the first time in my life, I understood why Charlie would get so excited to see me every summer, and why it hurt him so much to see me go back home after my visits with him. We missed Nessie so much and it literally hurt to be away from her.

Aside from all of our fun, we are happy to be back with our family. Nessie updated us on her adventures with Jacob, while Emmett interrupted to updated Edward on the baseball scores. Not surprisingly, Nessie grew a little more and seems smarter than she was when we had left her. The rate at which she learns is astonishing to see.

Right now, Edward and I are growing more and more in love by the day. It’s funny how one day you truly believe you are as in love as you could possibly be. The thought of being more in love confuses you because you believe you’ve achieved the highest degree of love there is, only to discover the next day that you’ve fallen even deeper, somehow.

I’m going to go to the meadow with Jake, Renesmee and Edward now. We all love to go out there and watch Nessie roam around and be free. She always wants to be there… she feels safe in the meadow. I will write again soon to keep you updated on our lives!

-Bella

Dear Diary (Answers)

“Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars—points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.”
-Edward Cullen
New Moon Chapter 23, Page 514

Edward and I had a long talk last night. We do that a lot now. As I told you yesterday, Jacob had asked me some scary questions that made me think of things that I wasn’t quite ready to think about.

Last night after Nessie was asleep, I had asked Edward those same questions. “What would you do if I was ever destroyed?” and “What about Nessie?”

Edward has had to endure watching those he cared about destroyed in the past, but this is far more different.

As much as he also didn’t like the questions, he gave me my answers. Edward told me he loves Nessie and me more than anything he has ever loved, or will ever love. He also explained that he feels extremely grateful for Jacob. Jacob is always around, helping out with Nessie, spending time with her, watching her grow. Because Jacob has imprinted on Renesmee, he will protect her with everything he has in him, forever.

Edward summed up his response quite thoughtfully with a few sentences.
“Bella, I wouldn’t be alive if you were no longer with me. My pain would be unbearable. Renesmee would see that and it would cause her a great deal of pain as well. I never want to have to choose between my love and my child, and I am going to do everything in my power to make sure I never have to. Everything. I would, however, have to leave with you and trust that Nessie is in good hands with Jacob. I couldn’t be without you. I can’t exist without my Bella.”

Edward kissed me after, and I could feel how powerful each and every one of his words were. I understood, too. We sat in silence for a few moments thinking. Though this was a hard topic to speak of, it was pretty much the human–version of preparing a will. Not pleasant, but it has to be done.

I will never cause Edward’s life to become a moonless night. I will never lead my family in the path of destruction. I love them too much. At times, being a newborn vampire can be difficult. I’m so incredibly thankful that I have a gift with controlling my thirst. It still scares me though, to not know what I am fully capable of. I do believe, however, that as long as I keep my family in mind that it’s all I’ll ever need to fully control my thirst.

Love is the most powerful drug. As long as I have my shield, I will stretch it over my family, and keep them out of harms way. I’m no longer the klutzy, weak human I once complained of being. And, I’m no longer the weak human that had caused the Cullens to have to fight. First with James, then Victoria and her newborns, and lastly, the Volturi.

I still worry about our life in Forks. I am perpetually afraid of people becoming suspicious of my new appearance, or discovering Nessie. Until Nessie reaches full growth, we can’t let her be seen around much. She grows too fast. People would know that something was… different.

I’m happy though. Edward and I get to spend as much time together as we like. He doesn’t have to be gentle with me anymore, which is great for a lot of things. Lets just say, Nessie sleeps at Carlisle and Esme’s house some nights, so she doesn’t get woken up. She happens to be sleeping there now. She got sleepy tonight while we were visiting the family. She was watching the baseball game with Emmett, and fell asleep. I don’t blame her. Edward and I figured we could let her sleep there tonight and have our own “special” little night together.

Edward is waiting for me, and I’m craving that beautiful stare from his golden eyes, the taste of his smooth lips and the feel of my fingers through his bronze hair. So, until tomorrow… goodnight!

-Bella Cullen

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Dear Diary (Scary Questions)

“As much as I struggled not to think of him, I did not struggle to forget. I worried—late in the night, when the exhaustion of sleep deprivation broke down my defenses—that it was all slipping away. That my mind was a sieve, and I would someday not be able to remember the precise color of his eyes, the feel of his cool skin, or the texture of his voice. I could not think of them, but I must remember them. Because there was just one thing that I had to believe to be able to live—I had to know that he existed. That was all. Everything else I could endure. So long as he existed.”

-Bella Swan: Chapter 4, Page 116 (New Moon)

There was a point in time when I thought I had lost Edward forever. Though my heart no longer beats, I somehow still feel it tighten and almost shatter every time I think of a life without him.

Jacob ended up coming along on our hunting trip, and while Edward, Emmett and Rosalie were hunting, he asked me a  question that caught me off guard. His question? “Bella, how would you deal with it if Edward were ever… destroyed?”

Jacob has a way with asking questions to things that I could never think of on my own. He makes me think of everything as a possibility. But this question was like no other.

When Edward had left me in the forest – because he felt he and his family were a danger to me – he took my life with him. He took my heart, he took everything except my body. That’s all he left, actually. A lifeless body. That’s all I became without him.

If Edward were destroyed, that would mean I would have to go on forever without him. It’s not the same as before. I am an immortal now. Unless I were also destroyed, I would have to face the world for eternity without my life, my world, my love.

Suddenly Victoria’s face clouded my mind. She lost her love, James, and had to exist thinking she would have to go on for eternity without him. I don’t pity Victoria, or James. I do, however, understand the excruciating pain that she would have had to endure forever if she hadn’t been destroyed. I think Edward did Victoria a favor when he destroyed her. He took away her eternal pain, emptiness.

I would have to be destroyed. I know I could not go on without Edward, especially now that I am an immortal. In fact, I might have second guessed my decision to be turned if I had thought about that when I was still a human. If I had thought of the fact that there is a possibility my love could be destroyed one day, and I would have to carry on without him. Losing Edward when I was human was more bearable than this thought. If I were human and he was destroyed, at least I wouldn’t have to exist  forever without him.

Jacob wasn’t overly shocked when I told him I would be destroyed. A little upset, I could tell, but not shocked. Then, he asked an even tougher question. Again, reminding me of possibilities that had not even occurred to me. “What about Nessie?”

That’s right. My little Nudger. If I were destroyed, she wouldn’t have a mother, and I would never get to see her again. I love her. I love her just as much as I love Edward, just differently. It would be too selfish of me, to have myself destroyed and leave her for eternity with no father or mother.

Selfish.

That, I wasn’t. Suddenly, although already strong, I felt stronger. I felt protective. It occurred to me that I would find a way. Edward would want me to be with Nessie. Edward would want me to be happy. That’s all he has ever wanted for me. Suddenly my thoughts felt like they were in the spin cycle.

Jacob was patiently waiting for my answer, and all I could mutter was, “no one will ever be destroyed. Ever.” And, I  believed it.

I feel relieved when I think of how strong of a family we are. I know that as Cullens, we would never give anyone a reason to want to destroy us. Jacob liked how confident I was. It seemed to put him at ease, knowing I was so sure that no one was going anywhere. I felt happy, too. Also, I was surprisingly glad that Jacob asked me. Although it’s hard to think about, I need to be prepared for anything now. I have a family. A love, and a child.

They are my life.

I could never let anything happen to any of my family. Jacob included. He is technically family now. Mortal enemy turned family. I like that.

When our hunting trip came to an end, I grabbed Edward and held onto him tighter than ever before. I needed to feel him close to me, especially after such heart–shattering thoughts had been washing through my head.

Edward kissed me softly on the top of my head and frowned a little. I showed him my thoughts. I wanted him to know about the questions Jacob asked. I wanted him to see how much it perturbed me to think such thoughts. Edward has had a longer time to think of these things. The thought had already occurred to him; I could tell by his knowing–expression. I plan to ask him later on, after Nessie goes to sleep, what his reaction would be if I were destroyed. I will let you know what he tells me.

For now, though, I am going to go watch Edward sing to Nessie again. He’s writing her a lullaby. It’s a surprise for her.

Thank you for reading.

-Bella Cullen

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