Bob the Builder, Can we fix it? Bob the Builder Yes, we can! Scoop, Muck and Dizzy and Roley too
Lofty and Wendy join the crew . . .
“What are you singing?” My eyes widened as if I could see him, even though I was a good twenty feet away from him in the kitchen.
“Well, Edward, you must have spent your childhood reading and gardening and being the stuck up guy that you are—and you must have loved it, but I did not. I spent my childhood with cows and playing with little pigs. And I’m reminiscing that,” Emmett said, in the typical bobbing his head back and forth way. What was worse, he had said this out loud, and now everybody, including Bella, who was standing at the stove (making Parmesan for Nessie), started laughing.
You did gardening?! Ha! Jasper taunted me.
“Yeah, yeah, laugh your southern ass off. The same one a horse kicked and dislocated when you were what . . . fourteen?” If he had been in the room, I would have grimaced. But that shut him up, so the comment obviously met its purpose.
“WHAT?! You fractured your ass?! Is that even possible?!” Emmett shouted and started guffawing.
What is this? Embarrassing-trivia-about-everyone-that-I-really-don’t-care-about-but-listen-to-anyway-because-they-are-fun day? Rosalie thought, tinkering with something in the garage. Nicknames were not her forte.
Keep ‘em coming, keep ‘em coming. Alice smiled slyly to herself.
“What are you smiling at?” I gave the stink eye, that I was pretty sure I had picked up somewhere along the way from Charlie, or Bella. “And Emmett, childhood was eighty years ago. It’s not my fault that you still have the brain matter of a six year old.”
“Very true,” I heard Renesmee’s voice chime from the garage as she drove up and parked her car. “Whatever we’re talking about.”
Why did we ever have kids? Carlisle shook his head at the clan of clowns that he and Esme had raised.
Bella greeted Renesmee with a hug. “Hey honey! How was school? Did they treat you okay?”
Today had officially been Renesmee’s first day of school. We had all decided that she was old enough to look pass as a freshman and could start school now. Up until now, her rapid growth had prevented us from sending her to school: it was just too risky. We couldn’t have people showing up at our door saying that our daughter looked nearly a year older each day.
But four years of home schooling had worn her out. We had all anticipated the arrival of the day when Nessie would finally put her foot down and ask to be sent to a ‘normal’ school, but it had still been debated by us.
After tens of hundreds of votes and precautions and bribing (by us) and even crying (mostly by Nessie), Bella and I had come to a decision: we would send Nessie to school for a ‘trial’ period, and would gauge how she did with people and the general atmosphere. Nessie was over the moon. I swear I had never heard that many ‘I love you, daddy’s!’ come out of her mouth in a day.
“Aside from the stares and the prom date parade, it was good.” Nessie hugged Bella back and then approached me.
“Hello honey.” I hugged and kissed her forehead, wishing she would never outgrow this stage. “What prom-date parade?”
Bella gave me a raised eyebrow, and all the other ladies rolled their eyes.
Here we go again, Rosalie thought.
Nessie would never date if Edward had his way, Esme smirked.
The men, however, sat up straighter. Thank God—at least somebody thought of keeping Nessie away from hormone crazed sex machines. Not to mention, Jacob would rip any guy who looked at Nessie apart. That was like an added bonus for me: an all time bodyguard.
“Oh come on, Dad!” Nessie rolled her eyes. “I just started school. They wanted to ask me to prom.”
“Don’t look at me like that! As if I’m ever going to let you go on a date with these boys.” I raised an eyebrow.
“Nessie, why don’t you go and change? I’ll get you something to eat. I’ve got chocolate chip cake, by the way,” Bella interrupted before we could duel any further, which was a bad sign for me.
“Oh yay! I’ll be right back.” Nessie grinned. “Where’s Jacob, by the way?”
“He’s gone over to Forks,” Bella told her. “He had to work out the perimeter with Sam. Plus he was running out of clothes. Wonder how that happened.”
Oh, I knew how that happened all right. It seemed Rosalie had still not gotten over her aversion to the dog smell. And that added to the fact that Jacob never missed an opportunity to annoy her had led to Jacob’s clothes being “inexplicably” set on fire. (We all knew who had done that—a certain blonde who was smirking right now as the events of the night came back to her—and who had helped—a certain dark-haired pixie who had grown immensely tired of a wolf’s fashion sense.) That in turn had led to Rosalie’s shampoo being replaced by a similar smelling hair dye (I may or may not have helped with that) that colored her hair a fiery orange. I was honestly baffled as to how her vampire senses had missed that. Maybe I was a genius.
“You,” Bella pointed a stern finger at me, “improve your manners. She’s almost fifteen, Edward.”
“Physically. Mentally, she’s still four.”
“No, she’s not. And you know it. Lay off the gun for a while, Edward.”
“She’s my baby girl. I’m not going to let her go off into the night with someone who doesn’t want anything else but to get into her pants.”
You know I can hear you, Dad, Nessie said to my thoughts. And that was gross. Ew.
“You know her, Edward. Plus, she’s dating Jacob. He’s a good guy.” Bella put the Parmesan on the plate and I moved away a little. Repulsive.
“A guy nonetheless, with guy parts that work,” I warned her in moderate terms.
Daddy! Gross! Ewww! And cue the gagging by Nessie.
Edward, I did not need that visual. Alice shook her head.
How do you know whether Jacob’s guy parts work? Emmett, obviously, went to dirty part.
“Please don’t tell me you’ve heard . . . that.” Bella shook her head and shuddered a little, but I not say anything as Nessie had come downstairs, still looking a little disgusted.
Even though Jacob had fervently promised me that he and Nessie would not have sex without our consent and until she was old enough, I had noticed him slyly ogling her a little more each day. On more than one occasion I had caught him thinking about kissing her, but Bella had stopped me from ripping him apart, saying that he could not have helped his thoughts, and reminding me that I had not been any better than him.
Of course I hadn’t. I might be a vampire, but I’m a guy.
But that’s my daughter.
But I guess that’s a field where every male is a hypocrite: they spend their prime thinking about women, but cannot bear it when other males do the same for their daughters.
“Oh my God! Aunt Alice, look! Tanya looks wonderful!” Nessie’s hyper, too-teenager-ish voice interrupted my thoughts, and I looked over to see her beaming into her laptop, which was open on the kitchen counter.
Alice wasted no time in joining Nessie, and soon both of them were saying, ‘ahh!’ and ‘ooh!’ about something on the screen. Bella and the other female populace of house huddled around the little gadget and started commenting on the color and style of a dress. I politely blocked them out of my mind, for the simple reason that I could not tell stilettos from wedges. However, their very verbal conversation could not be ignored.
“This looks amazing on her.” (Bella)
“She should make this her display pic.” (Nessie)
“Look at the color! Just wonderful.” (Esme)
“Oh my God! Look at Kate’s comment . . . this is Versace! Why didn’t I see this?” (Alice, obviously)
“I am going to like this.” (Rosalie)
“Emmett, what are you doing sending her that many smileys and thumbs ups?” (Rosalie)
Wait, what? I thought they were looking at an email.
“What are you looking at?” I asked, coming around to see what the commotion was.
“Tanya posted a picture of her on Facebook. We’re talking about that,” Nessie explained.
Five incredulous faces turned to look at me.
“What?” I asked.
“Are you saying you don’t know what Facebook is?” Alice mouthed each word slowly, as if somehow trying to grasp how in the world would somebody not know about this Facebook.
I shook my head, and raised an eyebrow, challenging them. “Is it important?”
“Edward, honey, I love you, but sometimes your lack of knowledge about the contemporary world is near paralyzing.” Bella held my face, coaxing me to look into her eyes to make me see that she was not joking.
“Oh my God, Dad . . . you really have no idea what Facebook is . . .” Nessie nodded slowly, only understanding now.
Suddenly the display on the screen moved, and everybody turned to see what had engendered that. I looked over Bella’s shoulder to see a white screen, with a blue masthead saying ‘Facebook’. But that was not what had caught everyone’s attention. It was a message on the screen.
Emmett Cullen updated his status:
Like if you think Edward Cullen just reached new heights of stupidity by not knowing what Facebook is.
Below, I saw a small toolbar saying:
Jasper Hale and Carlisle Cullen like this.
The ladies around me laughed, and Nessie clicked a small thumbs up option next to the comment.
Almost immediately, the information on the toolbar changed.
You, Jasper and Carlisle like this.
In the next moment, there was another notification on the screen.
Jacob Black likes this.
“What is this?” I widened my eyes, exasperated that they would debate my intelligence on the internet.
“How can you not know what Facebook is? This is like The thing right now. I am three hundred and sixty seven years old, Edward, and I am on Facebook.” Carlisle joined us at the kitchen table, laughing at me both mentally and physically.
“Well, I didn’t know. And it’s just a social networking site it seems. Why is it so necessary?”
“Dad, come here.” Nessie clutched my arm and made me sit next to her. “I am going to sign you up on Facebook.”
By that time I saw there were already three more notifications on Nessie’s screen.
Tanya Denali and Carmen Denali like Emmett Cullen’s status.
Eleazar commented on Emmett Cullen’s status:
“Welcome to the Stone Age . . . ”
In the living room, said Cullen guffawed, “Epic!”
Emmett Cullen likes Eleazar’s comment . “Welcome to the Stone Age . . . ”
“Stop it!” I frowned.
Every one laughed and dispersed almost immediately, while Nessie started teaching me the ropes of said ‘networking website.’
“Okay, name . . . email . . . password . . . What do I do for age? I can’t exactly put in hundred and eleven.” I grineed.
“Just put in the age you’re pretending to be, Dad,” Nessie rolled her eyes.
“Okay . . . oh! What the . . . what is this?” I frowned as a page requesting my likes and dislikes came up.
“This is to find people with similar likes, or maybe recommend pages to people. You put in your job interests, where you went to school—”
“I went to twenty-five high schools! Which one do I put in?”
Nessie chuckled a little. “Your most recent.”
I did as she had, and a list popped up showing many faces from Forks High School. Almost instantly, a friend request from Jessica Stanley appeared in the window.
“Wow . . . this is . . . wait.” I clicked on the link to her profile. “She married Mike. Huh, no surprise there. God, she was a—”
“Dad, I don’t want to know the who, what, how of your high school . . . can you move on?”
“Yeah, darling, okay . . . Oh! Family . . . I want to add them! What do I do?” I asked.
“Just proceed to the profile and click the Add Friend button.” I did as she had said and clicked the button on Emmett’s profile.
“No you just have to wait for him to accept it.”
“Apparently not.” I said as a notification popped up saying Emmett had accepted my friend request. “Okay, now what do I do?”
“Well, you can send friend requests to everyone we know, and you can probably start by changing your relationship status to In A Relationship With Bella Swan-Cullen.”
“But we’re married.”
“But people don’t know that.”
“Oh.” I went on to Bella’s profile and saw the button. “Why do I have to send her a friend request? It should be a Relationship Request right?”
“No, Dad, you can friend her and then you can change your relationship status.”
“Okay. Wait, why is your mother friends with Mike Newton?” I glued my eyes to the screen at his display picture. “What the . . . is he on steroids or something? And he liked every picture of your mom! Manwh—”
“Edward! It would have been rude not to accept his request,” Bella explained, appearing from the kitchen. She was now standing beside me.
“Well, look at him! He—”
“Dad! Can we please just . . . move on?” Nessie looked flustered, and her thoughts clearly showed that.
“Okay . . . yeah . . . what is this?” I saw an interesting icon and clicked just as Nessie started to say. “No, Dad, don’t!”
“Criminal Case? Huh. . . this looks interesting. . . you can solve cases on this thing? Huh . . . Oh, level up! Yeah!”
“Don’t worry, Nessie. . . he’s a goner,” Bella laughed. I heard the scrape of the chair as Nessie got up and left, mentally rolling her eyes.
Two Days Later
“You!” Emmett barged into my room at the main house as I was huddled around the computer. “I am going to break every single bone in your body!”
He stomped to where I was and towered over me.
“What did I do?” My Eyes widened.
He didn’t answer, and before I could even estimate his thoughts he had pulled the plug from the computer’s power supply.
“Why did you do that?! What the hell!!! I had an entire level sitting on it! You—”
“Stop it, all right? Stop everything! Go back to the Stone age! You’ve gone crazy! Do you how many Criminal Case requests you’ve sent me in the last two days? Zillions! Probably literally zillions! I hate you! My wall is full of requests and posts: ‘Edward Cullen won a bronze medal,’ ‘Edward Cullen got this,’ ‘Edward Cullen got that’. I don’t care. I don’t freaking care what Edward Cullen did, just keep it off of my news feed.”
And with that, he stormed off.
Finally, somebody did it. Carlisle thought.
I thought I heard a collective sigh of relief leave the entire family.
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