Dear Diary (Be Safe)

“There was a piece of white paper folded on my seat. I got in and closed the door before I unfolded it. Two words were written in his elegant script.”

‘Be Safe.’

I was visiting with Charlie today. This time alone. I figured that, since Sue wouldn’t be there today, we could spend some one-on-one time together, alone. I no longer worry about being alone around humans, either. Especially not my family. I could never hurt Charlie. Somehow, his scent isn’t the most appealing to me, anyway. Needless to say, though, I did go hunting with Edward yesterday as a precautionary measure.

Charlie is doing quite well now. He’s walking around, smiling and even cooking for himself. Sue left a few simple recipes on his fridge. She knows how easily he can lose his way around the kitchen.

My visit seemed extremely brief, to me. Though, in reality I stayed with Charlie for about three hours. Time really does go by expeditiously when you have all the time in the world. Literally, all the time in the world. I vaguely remember that, as a human, time would seem to crawl by; it almost seemed as though it were moving backwards some days. Those were usually the days I was looking forward to seeing Edward at school the next day, though. Time couldn’t go by fast enough when I knew I would be seeing his angelic face.

Before I left Charlie’s house, I went upstairs to the bedroom that was mine when I lived in that house. For some reason, a surge or unexplained energy came over me and, all alone in my old room, I couldn’t help but smile.

I carefully sat down on my bed and ran my fingers over the purple comforter that was neatly draped over the mattress. I looked around the room, slowly, taking everything in. I had never noticed the room badly needed a new paint job until now, of course. My old computer sat there on the work table I used to sit at, where I’d either study or compose emails for Renee – to keep her informed on my life in Forks. This usually consisted of me trying to make her believe I didn’t mind it here, though at the time I very much disliked Forks. I loathed Forks.

After sitting for a minute on my old bed, and taking in my old human scents, I decided to go into my closet to see what kind of memories I could dig up from in there. Not surprisingly, I found a shoebox that was full of things which had sentimental value to me. I had always been a bit of a hoarder.

Once I opened the box, nothing seemed familiar. My human memories were rather vague in that moment, and I couldn’t piece together who or what most of the items in the box came from. Trying to remember why I had a brown shoelace – with 3 knots tied in it –  stashed away in the shoe box was an impossibility.

Before I closed the shoe box, which was almost falling apart, I shifted everything on top over to the side in an attempt to steal a quick glimpse of what was in the very bottom of the box, still trying to recognize something, anything.

Folded, in the very bottom of the box, was a white piece of paper. My curiosity got the best of me and I snatched it up in one swift movement, then unfolded it quickly, though carefully. On the piece of paper read two words:

“Be Safe.”

For a moment I didn’t know why tears weren’t pouring down my face already. You’re a vampire now, an immortal, you don’t tear up, I told myself as I unnecessarily inhaled a large gulp of air. Inside, though, I was overwhelmed with numerous inexplicable emotions.

I remembered the day Edward left that sweet note in my truck. Alice had brought my truck to school for me because Edward was my ride that day, but he had to leave in the afternoon to go hunting because he was planning on taking me to the meadow; he was going to reveal himself to me the next day.

He wanted to make sure he hunted before being alone with me in the middle of the meadow.
I remember, though a fragile human, feeling so safe with Edward. I remember his note making me feel like someone would always be watching out for me. And, I remember how it felt to love him, as a human. Funny thing is, I always felt safer, stronger and almost invincible compared to other humans once Edward was in my life. It’s now scary to think of how unaware I was of my state of fragility. How unaware I was of his strength, what he was capable of.

Still crouched on the floor in my old bedroom, I closed the shoe box and kept the white paper in my hand. Almost instinctively, I brought the paper to my nose and breathed in the scent. I could smell Edward on it. Though only slight, it was enough to make a smile creep up on my face before I even noticed.

My smile quickly retracted once I began to remember how excited I would get when Edward would come through my window in the middle of the night to watch me sleep, or how each touch was an epic occurrence that would make my heart seem as though I were wearing it on the outside of my body. I remembered how he would be there waiting for me before school in the mornings, with that beautiful grin of his, as excited to see me as I was to see him. And, though extremely vague, I remember the first time his lips pressed against mine. So smooth, so hard, so sweet smelling. Again, I had to remind myself that vampires don’t tear up as the vague memories of my human life revisited me.

There are a lot of things I do miss about being in a relationship with Edward as a human. From what I recall, I got a rush from the danger and unpredictability of our relationship. I loved how gentle he had to be with me, though at the time it could get frustrating. Most of all, I miss the way the blood would rush into my cheeks when he gazed into my eyes, and my heart would pound once he spoke. These things are so foreign to me now. I will never feel my heart race again, or feel the warmth overcome my face from embarrassment.

I miss it.

In return, though, I got so much more. I gained a spot in the only world I know, a world with Edward. I always remind myself of that. I get an eternity with the very boy who made my heart race. I got to have a beautiful daughter with Edward. I get to be intimate with him, anytime I want. It was all definitely worth it.

I placed the paper in the chest pocket of the shirt I was wearing, shoved the box back into the closet, took one last look around at my room, then flew down the stairs to say goodbye to Charlie. It was getting late and I wanted him to get some rest. I also wanted to get back home, to hold Edward in my arms as tightly as possible. I missed him, more than I had in a long time. I felt the need to be in his arms for some reason. Finding the sweet note he had written me made me fall even deeper in love with him.

I didn’t know how deeply I could possibly fall, but I kept on falling.

For now, I’m going to go up to the Cullen house for a bit with Nessie, Edward and Jacob. Esme and Rosalie would like to spend some time with Renesmee.

I’ll write again soon, as I always do.

-Bella Cullen