“Lestat and Louie feel sorry for vampires that sparkle in the sun,” said Rice, referring to her popular characters (who were portrayed by Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt in the 1994 movie). “They would never hurt immortals who choose to spend eternity going to high school over and over again in a small town —- anymore than they would hurt the physically disabled or the mentally challenged. My vampires possess gravitas. They can afford to be merciful.”
Stay calm. Zůstaňte v klidu. Dr. Joseph Cole. He knows about us. What we are. He knows we’re dangerous, different.
We planned to confront him. Carlisle wanted to be as moral as possible about this. The Cullens have all been around for a long time. They have experience with keeping what they are a secret. They have had no choice. I, on the other hand, was worried… no, I was scared to death. What would it mean for my family if humans discovered what we are? What would it mean for the humans? It’s a battle I didn’t want to think about. I forced the thought from my mind, which left me with nothing but the painful awareness of my almost debilitating thirst.
At first, all I could think of was protecting my family. Edward. Renesmee. Charlie. Jake… all of them. Even Rosalie. My entire body felt like dry, scorching hot coals. My throat was a blazing, out of control fire, becoming wilder with each passing moment. A wildfire.
My thoughts drifted, painfully, to the memory of the burning version of myself that laid ablaze, scorching… silently. The memory of the day I was turned. Immortalized. I was bewildered by pain. The venom, Edward’s venom, and the morphine left me paralyzed while I was charred alive.
I had not hunted since meeting Dr. Joseph Cole and knew that in order to protect my family, I needed to hunt, and fast. I needed to be strong, but careful at the same time. In that very moment there wasn’t much holding me back from finding Dr. Joseph Cole and completely removing his knowledge of our kind, along with his life. The scorching in my dry throat had become impossibly painful. I lost a little more compassion with each passing, bloodless second.
“I’m going to spend some time with Dr. Joseph Cole during my night shift. Ask him a few questions.” Carlisle’s eyebrows knitted together, his face concerned.
He planned to play with Dr. Coles mind a little bit. Vampire as old as the Cullens can read people, very well. Even though Carlisle isn’t able to read minds, he is smart enough to get the information he needs through good old fashioned manipulation.
Before leaving for his night shift at the hospital, Carlisle promised he would call if he needed our help, or if anything went wrong. I could tell Esme was worried about Carlisle. At first she hesitated when he went in for a goodbye kiss, then her walls came down. Esme grabbed his head strongly, with her perfectly elegant porcelain hands, held him firmly in place and kissed him with more passion than I have ever witnessed in my life. She was inhaling him, breathing him in, and pressing her body into his as if wanted to disappear inside of him, become one with him.
“Ex… excuse us. There is a young one present you know.” Alice put her arm around Renesmee to remind Carlisle and Esme to cool off. Edward grinned, that impossibly perfect crooked grin, and I noticed his eyes were almost black. We needed to hunt.
As soon as Carlisle left, Edward and I went hunting. I wanted to bring Renesmee, she wanted to come, but until I knew what Dr. Cole’s intentions were, I really didn’t want her to leave the house.
I caught the scent of humans and my thoughts became malicious, untamed. My imagination went places I never wanted it to go. Just one drop of the sweet, aromatic human blood. My throat burned like a roaring fire, as the fragrant scent of human blood danced through my nostrils, teasing me. Challenging me. I knew that in just a few inhumanly quick seconds I could find the weak, mouthwatering humans and put out the dry, scorching flames in my throat. The innocent humans…
I lost all trust in myself for the first time. I didn’t know what I was capable of. My instincts were telling me to get it over with, to satisfy my thirst. My instincts were drowning out my compassion, my logic. There were many deers that I could have had already. I wasn’t craving their blood, though. In that moment, I felt weak, like I needed the strength that vampires get from human blood, not animal blood.
I could hear the humans laughing. It was a couple, a young couple. They probably went into the woods to get away, to have some alone time, like normal teenagers. They sounded so happy, so alive. For a half second I wondered what they looked like. I just wanted to see what they looked…
“Bella! No!” Edward’s roar sounded like thunder, especially to my heightened sense of sound. I was fast, but something stopped me from going as fast as I knew I could. I wanted Edward to stop me. I needed him to.
I felt a hand jerk me back and I smashed half into the ground and half into Edward’s granite body, which caused another thunderous sound. I felt raindrops now. They started off slowly, and I could hear them crashing into the leaves on the tress surrounding us. The rain sounds even more beautiful now that I have the ability to hear things so much more clearly, and from much farther away. Within seconds the rain was barreling down on us.
Edward did not release his hold on me. We didn’t talk for a good five minutes. We just laid there, in the dark forest, with the rain washing over us, soaking our clothing. Somehow, the rain began to tame my violent thirst, washing away my bloodlust. I felt too ashamed to look at Edward, and apologized without looking at him, still laying on my back with him under me.
“Edward, I… I don’t know exactly what happened. I caught the scent of those humans and my mind, it… no matter how hard I tried to shake the thought, I couldn’t. I’m so sorry Edward.” My voice was a whisper, too low for human ears to catch.
Edward pulled himself up off the now muddy ground, pulling me up with him, then rested his cheek against mine. “This will make Jasper feel a little bit better…” He grinned and it just touched his eyes. I could tell that he wasn’t mad. Edward, if anyone, understands the strength it takes for a vampire to fight their instincts, to control their thirst.
In one swift movement, Edward pulled me around so I was facing him now, my legs straddled over his, my arms around his neck. The rain got heavier and pounded into our granite-like bodies as our lips met, first softly, so softly. Then, as the guilt I was feeling began to wash away, I kissed Edward harder, pulling his face up and pressing his torso into mine. Consuming him. Breathing him in. I let him into my mind so that he knew what I wanted from him. He met the thought with his perfect smile and laid back down into the mud, pulling me down with him…
The rain let up after about an hour. We both hunted more than enough to extinguish the blaze that almost led me to do something I would forever regret. After I hunted, and was satisfied, it became painfully clear what had almost happened. I almost killed innocent people. It is going to take a long time for me to forgive myself, if I ever do.
Shortly after the sun had risen, Carlisle pulled up into the driveway. Edward read his mind as soon as he could hear his thoughts then his golden eyes widened while his face somehow remained expressionless, a look that confused me.
Before I had a chance to ask Edward what he heard, Carlisle was in the door, meeting all of our curious faces with a smile. “He knows we’re different.” Carlisle didn’t waste any time getting to his point. “Dr. Joseph Cole is a very wise, kindhearted man. His only mission in this world is to help people. He is also very ill.” Carlsile’s mouth pulled down into a frown and he looked at the ground before continuing. “He hasn’t told anyone of his illness yet because he doesn’t want to have to stop working at the hospital, helping people.”
Rosalie interrupted, her patience wearing thin.”What does all this have to do with him knowing what we are, and what about our safety?”
“After much consideration, and hearing Dr. Cole’s pleas, I have agreed to change him, so he can continue doing what he loves to do. He’s a smart man and has been studying our kind for years. He knows the consequences of immortality. He knows the discipline required to feed only off animals. He knows about the pain, the burning.” Carlisle’s eyes shot in my direction, then Charlie’s. The memory of charring alive is still very clear for Charlie & I, the newborns.
“What about his family? Carlisle, you can’t just give out immortality like it’s Christmas and you’re the immortality Santa.” Emmett had a point, although he could have worded it better.
“This isn’t something I take lightly and I hope you all understand and respect my decision. He doesn’t have a family. He has chosen to devote his life to his work, instead. I cannot deny someone who could do so much for the world. Who is so intelligent and wants to help find cures for human illnesses.”
Carlisle took in a deep, but unnecessary breath, as if to brace himself for what he was about to say next. “The change will start tomorrow night, in our basement. It’s the only sound proof location I can think of. It is likely that the pain, the burning, will cause him to scream.”
For the longest moment, no one said anything. We all stood there, frozen like statues, trying to understand. But Carlisle made up his mind, and without another word, he took off up the stairs in a blur, Esme following behind.
The truth is, I get Dr. Joseph Cole more than anyone. I understand their doubts, but I don’t doubt that Dr. Cole knows what he wants. He may not being doing it for love, like me, but he’s doing it for passion. For his passion to continue saving lives. Who are we to deny him of that.
I, however, feel bad bout the pain he is about to feel…
June 4th, 2010:
I love the rain. Will write more when I have time…
June 5th, 2010:
“I loved Phoenix. I loved the sun and the blistering heat. I loved the vigorous, sprawling city.”
-Bella Swan, Twilight.
I love when it rains. I love overcast days, like today. I love the algid, biting winter, too. The cold. Not only for the reasons you’d think. Not because I have more freedom on overcast days, although that is an undeniable bonus. Not because I can’t actually feel the cold, which is admittedly a nice advantage to being what we are.
The best way for me to describe it is, you know that feeling that washes over you when you smell something that reminds you of a happy time from your childhood, or maybe it reminds you of someone you love? That’s what the cold and the rain does to me. If Forks wasn’t cold and rainy, then the Cullens would have never moved there – and I would have never found my perfect, beautiful Edward.
I owe the rain everything, my existence, for bringing my life to me. My Edward.
Dr. Joseph Cole is currently charring alive in our basement. Poor guy. I’ll write all about that in my next entry!
After this summer, Edward and I plan to go back to school. And to be honest, I’m more excited than I ever imagined I could be about attending boring, repetitive classes.
When you’re human your time is limited. You are only on Earth for a very short time, and as a human you have to sleep for about eight hours a night–so the last thing you want to do with the few short hours you’re awake in a day is sit in class after class listening to the teacher ramble about stuff you know you’re going to forget anyway.
When you’re an immortal, though, it seems as though you can’t find enough to do, enough to keep yourself busy, entertained. After I was changed, I seemed to become more patient by the day. I’m a hunter now, after all. An immortal. Patience is an inevitable quality for the undead.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t get bored. I do. In fact, the boredom is worse now because I have all this strength, power and energy. We could be doing so much more with what we are, but instead, because we are dangerous, not normal, we have to take every precaution possible to be sure no one suspects anything. Instead of using my new strength, I have to hide it. Act human. Alive. We have to fit in. Something that’s much easier said than done.
I’m worried mostly about drowning in my own lies. I can’t lie. I do lie . . . a lot, but I’m bad at it. To the town, Renesmee is known as my little sister. Adopted, like the rest of us, by Mr. and Mrs. Cullen. Charlie is known as my Uncle, and although I’m getting more used to the script and learning my lines for this play we put on daily for the public, I still have an almost unbearable urge to scream the truth about everything to the world.
I want to be able to adore and love my Nudger in public. I don’t want to have to check to make sure it won’t be sunny before I make any plans to venture outside because my skin will sparkle like thousands of embedded diamonds. What am I supposed to say to that? I took a glitter bath?
The hospital Carlisle is working at here in New Hampshire had a spring gala for all the employees and their families. They do four per year; one for every season. It was held inside a ballroom, at night–so we were safe to go. We had to go, for Carlisle. It is thought to be extremely rude not to attend these galas unless, of course, you’re scheduled to work.
Carlisle tried to get out of it by offering to stay at the hospital to work his usual night shift, however because Carlisle is new to the hospital, they insisted he attend. They wanted to get to know him more outside of work. They wanted to meet his family.
Renesmee didn’t come. I explained to Carlisle that I wasn’t ready to be around so many people at once while trying to pretend she was my sister. Jacob stayed back at the house with her. He didn’t want to come anyway, but asked that we bring him back some food.
“Well, on top of me getting some good food, you guys’ll look more human. They’d never suspect you’re a bunch of leec–vampires if you’re all smuggling food out of there.” Jacob grinned and I opened my mouth to say something, but laughed instead.
Charlie stuck in a pair of brown contacts and threw on his best dress up attire and came along. He wanted to see if there would be any single ladies there who he could lure in. I think his new enhanced exterior is getting to his head a little bit. Anytime we’re out in public women tend to gawk at him, their mouths hanging open. Charlie isn’t as awkward and quiet as he used to be, before he was turned. It’s funny watching him interact with Emmett especially. Emmett brings out a whole different side of Charlie that I never knew existed. I like it. Charlie is happy. He’s having fun with what he is.
Once we entered the large ballroom I began to feel more relaxed. The lighting was very dim with spotlights of red, blue and purple dancing over the ice sculptures on either end of the oversize buffet table.
There were literally mountains of food, and I was already dreading having to pretend to eat and enjoy it. Human food tastes like dirt to vampires, but we can pretend to eat it when we have to.
We all hunted before going to the gala, of course, but my throat still burned. There were hundreds of mouth watering humans all gathered in the hall, each one so fragrant, so sweet-smelling. I could almost taste them. My eyes swept from human to human, watching the veins pulse in their throats, the carotid arteries. I counted every pulse:
One…two…three…four. It was somehow lulling.
Each beat seemed louder than the last, scorching my throat deeper and deeper. I felt like someone was holding the barrel of a curling iron down my throat to torture me. I needed fresh air immediately, or something bad was about to happen.
I moved faster than any human could, and I was aware of my unnatural pace, but I didn’t care. I needed to get out, that’s all I knew. I pulled myself away from Edward’s grip and was out the door, deeply inhaling the fresh, crisp air, trying to shake the vision of the pulsing, fragrant necks in the banquet hall.
I felt overridden with guilt for seeing them as nothing more than a meal. They were human beings. People with families, loved ones . . . yet there I was, blinded by the pulsing, the scent, the desire that almost overtook me. I was a monster.
It only took a few short minutes for Edward to calm me down, to melt away the guilt. He placed one long, smooth hand on each one of my cheeks and stared intently into my eyes, that crooked grin creeping up on one side.
“Bella, love, it’s okay. I wouldn’t have let anything happen. You didn’t do anything wrong. You fought your instincts and there’s nothing harder than that, but you did it.” His eyes were liquid gold, his breath icy and sweet.
“Edward . . . I . . . ” I closed my eyes tightly, trying to find the words, the right words to emphasize how sorry I was for ever coming that close to potentially exposing what we are. “I… hunted before and I didn’t feel thirsty– until my eyes locked on their necks, and they were pulsing. There are so many people in there, I just–”
Edward interrupted, his grin now pulled down, his face grave. “Please Bella, don’t apologize for what you are. This is what you are now, what we are. We are hunters. Even though you weren’t thirsty initially, once your eyes locked on their necks, that was it. The hunt was on. You became fixated on it, and that’s why it was hard to look away, to prevent yourself from attacking.”
The door half opened and Alice poked her head out of the small opening, trying not to be too intrusive. “Is everything okay out here?” Her voice was musical, comforting.
“Yeah, except for the fact that the gala was almost turned into a slaughter house.” I wanted to suck the words back in as soon as they left my mouth. I was overreacting.
Alice slipped catlike through the small opening in the door and crouched down next to me on the ground. “Bella, before big events like this I try to always look and see if anything will go wrong. I didn’t see anything to worry about this evening. Of course my visions are subjective. Your birthday is a perfect example of that. You’ll be fine, though. I promise. Are you two coming back inside? The dinner is about to begin.” Alice’s eyes shifted furtively between Edward and I as she stood back up.
“We’ll come back in. Just give me a few more seconds in this fresh air.” I realized my eyes were closed tightly again and I opened them, now squinting, to glance in Alice’s direction, but she was already gone.
I knew I didn’t have a choice. I had to go back inside. This was Carlisle’s night and he doesn’t ask for much, if anything at all, from us. I opened my eyes fully to take in one last look at Edward, those warm golden eyes, then sprung to my feet and was back inside before I had a chance to think about it. Edward was right behind me, his hand wrapped lightly around my waist.
I scanned the room quickly, not actually looking at anyone, and found the table we belonged to. Edward and I sat down, his long fingers now laced through mine. Everyone was already sitting, pretending to eat.
At the exact same time, everyone at our table shot me a knowing glance, almost as though they’d rehearsed it. I bet they did, too. “Way to not make things awkward,” I mumbled under my breath as I loaded my plate up, pretending to look excited about the food.
Dinner went as smoothly as it could have. It felt like a real human family sitting down to eat dinner. It’s not often you see all of the Cullens gathered around a table eating. I actually liked it. We talked and caught up with each other how a regular family would at dinner time. I wished Jake and Renesmee could have been there, but pushed the thought out of my head.
We didn’t forget about Jacob’s request, either. I grabbed three of the takeaway containers they had, and loaded them up. I thought we were going to make a smooth exit, and we almost did, until Carlisle got stopped by one of his colleagues just as we were almost out the door.
The man was taller than Carlisle, with shaggy light brown hair and a very thin frame. He wore small, stylish reading glasses and looked extremely young. His smile was captivating, friendly, and he had a hint of an accent, though barely detectable. He introduced himself to everyone as Joseph, and threw in a quick, “but my patients call me Dr. Cole.”
Dr. Joseph Cole was about to throw Carlisle a curve ball. “I just wanted to stop you before you left and ask if you and your family would all like to participate in the blood drive we’re hosting tomorrow. It’s taking place right in the parking lot. You seem to have a large, healthy family here. Think you could come out? Donate some blood?” Jospeh’s face lit up in anticipation as he scanned all of our expressions. I felt my jaw drop and snapped it back shut, biting my lower lip to keep it from dropping again.
Vampires giving blood? Vampires don’t give blood . . . we take it. But how do you say no to donating blood to people who need it, without coming off as . . . well . . . a bunch of jerks.
They would know we are different, instantly, if they even got close enough to touch us. I could hardly even think of the fact that we would be surrounded by blood . . . do I even need to elaborate on what’s wrong with that? Plus, the drive was being held in the afternoon, outside in the parking lot, and it was supposed to be sunny.
Carlisle was still composed, his face graceful and calm. “I’m sorry but we have a very important previous engagement that we are unable to miss. We would love to participate in the blood drive, really, but won’t be able to attend this one. Please accept my apologies.”
“Well that’s okay. Maybe next time. We try to organize them as often as we can so I’ll let you know when we have our next one.” Joseph nodded his head and smiled, though it didn’t touch his eyes.
“That would be wonderful.” Carlisle’s smile was forced. “Have a great night, Joseph.”
“Thanks, you too. It was nice meeting all of you.” His eyes darted to each of us, then he walked away quickly and joined a large group of people who were lingering, finishing up their drinks and catching up on gossip.
Edward’s face was vacant, and I knew that something was bothering him. He waited until we were back in Carlisle’s car before he said anything, though. Esme was in the front seat, and Charlie was in the back with Edward and I. The others were in their own car.
As we pulled out of the parking lot, Edward’s eyes swept around in every direction. I had never seen him this nervous. He looked out the back window one more time before telling us what was bothering him.
“Dr. Joseph Cole knows I can read minds. He wouldn’t exactly let me into his head. He kept repeating the same thought over and over so that he wouldn’t think of anything else. It was in a different language, too. He kept repeating ‘Zůstaňte v klidu.’” Edward’s eyes were hard now, his skin glowing under the street lights and headlights of passing cars.
“Stay calm. He was saying ‘stay calm’ in Czech.” Carlisle was talking to himself, in deep thought. His lips began to move, but no other words came out.
“Carlisle, he knows what we are.” Edward hissed and I thought I felt my still, lifeless heart jump out of my chest.
I promised to give you glimpses into the two diaries that Edward gave me as a way to see into his mind. The one with the red ribbon is a diary he wrote from before he knew me, from a darker time, when he didn’t really even know himself.
The one with the blue ribbon is full of entries that Edward wrote after we met. The contrast between the two diaries is distinct. There are, however, some entries in the book with the blue ribbon that carry more of a malicious tone. Particularly the ones about Jake, when Edward could hear his thoughts, and they were about me.
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
Robert Frost’s Fire and Ice was published in 1920, just two years after I was turned by Carlisle. The poem likens the elemental force of fire with the emotion of desire, and ice with hate. Over my years of existence, I have learned that humans are more prone to commit sins based on the emotion of desire, rather than hate. But vampires, we’re a different story. We don’t run based on emotion.
Jacob’s desire to be with Bella, to tear her away from me and exploit my one vulnerability—her safety—had me on the brink of sinning based on pure hate, ice. But he was keeping her warm. He was keeping her safe, and there was nothing more I could do, except keep my distance from her. I didn’t want to contribute to her discomfort from the cold in any way.
My body is like a brick of ice. Simply sitting too close to Bella caused her teeth to chatter more uncontrollably, louder. Jacob, on the other hand, has a body temperature of 108.9—enough to have Bella almost sweating on the oddly snowy June evening in the mountains.
Everything appeared almost in slow motion as the mongrel unzipped the sleeping bag, then slid in next to Bella, pressing his warm body to hers. It took everything I had to dampen the hate that surged through my body as he grinned, loving every minute of closeness he got with Bella, protecting her.
Then came his thoughts. The fantasies he began to have in his head while he was pressed against Bella; it sounded as though he were shouting them at me, as loud as he could. Jake knows I can hear his thoughts, after all. But I have years of practice when it comes to controlling my feelings, and so I did the best I could to keep my cool. No pun intended.
When Bella and Jake were both asleep, Bella began to whisper my name. She was dreaming of me, and I couldn’t help but smile. I started to feel incredibly humanized, with the ups and downs of each emotion. I went from wanting to strangle the dog—trying desperately to repress the urge to attack—to feeling elated by the sound of my name on her lips. The soft, gentle, whisper that proved she was dreaming of me.
Then, off those same soft, warm, lips came a displeasing, “Jacob, my Jacob.” There was pain in her voice now. Fear. She was worried about Jacob. She loved him. I had no right to try to change her feelings for him, either. He kept her safe while I was gone. When I stupidly left her, leaving her heart shattered, leaving her in a reckless state of mind that only Jake could pull her out of. He made her smile again. It was like I left her bleeding, and Jacob stitched her back up—and his stitches would leave their mark . . . never dissolve, just like her feelings for him never will.
I had no other choice but to come to terms with the fact that she could be better with Jacob. But I would never leave, not until she asked me to. I don’t think of this as selfish, either. After realizing how much, how deeply, my absence had hurt her, I understand that she needs me as much as I need her. I won’t ever leave unless she asks.
Maybe, in theory, Jacob is better for her . . . but the only one who knows who is best for Bella, is Bella. Her happiness is truly all I care about. It is what I exist for. I felt a slight pang of guilt when I began to talk about mine and Bella’s future together, knowing Jacob was listening. Bella and I were discussing our favorite nights together, and she asked me what topped my list, what was my most favorite night ever. I was honest with her and told her it was the night she finally agreed to marry me. But I could have told her we would discuss it another time—when Jake wasn’t listening. I needed some kind of pay back, though, because Jacob spent the entire night pressed against her, dreaming up delusional fantasies that made me want to rip his—
She kissed Jacob, and as much as I detested the thought of him so close to her, his lips pressed to her lips where mine belong, I know she is only human. He tricked her, too. He sure knows how to fight dirty. But so do I. The difference is that I instantly regret hurting Jake, because I know I’m hurting Bella in the process.
For now, I will make nice with the pup. He was hurt by one of the newborns, trying to protect Leah. But the real reason he was there to begin with was to protect Bella, from Victoria and her army of newborns. And for that, I respect Jake.
“He’s like a drug for you, Bella. I see that you can’t live without him now. It’s too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun.” – Jacob Black
Bella and I cannot live without each other. The air and the sun do not matter when we are apart. Living doesn’t matter when we aren’t living together.
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
“And then the fiery tangle of hair was no longer connected to the rest of her body. The shivering orange waves fell to the ground, and bounced once before rolling toward the trees. I forced my eyes – frozen wide open with shock- to move so that I could not examine too closely the oval object wrapped in tendrils of shivering, fiery hair.
Edward was in motion again. Swift and coolly businesslike, he dismembered the headless corpse.”
If I were still a human, looking at the vicious, red-haired vampire crouched before me, I would have believed she was Victoria. She was identical. Almost. My vision is sharp now that I’m a vampire, and I could easily see the very slight differences.
For one, the vampire standing in front of us was alive . . . as alive as a vampire could be. Victoria is dead. Being turned did not take my memory of Edward disassembling her body away—unfortunately. In fact, it’s one of my more prominent human memories. Again, unfortunately.
I stretched my shield over Edward and almost got to Charlie, but before I could, something entirely unexpected happened. Charlie turned toward me, his lips pulled up from his teeth, his piercing red eyes now vicious. He wanted to attack me, that much I could tell.
“Charlie, don’t. She has used her power on you. You don’t want to hurt Bella. This vampire has the ability to turn anyone she wants against whoever she chooses.” Edwards voice was steady, calm. He didn’t want to startle Charlie while he was in such a malevolent state, under the control of this vampire’s power.
The red-haired Victoria lookalike fastened her eyes on Edward as she spoke. “You know me quite well. I assume you can read minds. I guess I don’t have to explain to you why I’m here then.” She smirked and crouched even lower, ready to attack.
“I don’t read minds,” I hissed, shifting my eyes between her and Charlie. “What do you want with us? Are you related to Victoria?” It sound more like a demand than a question.
I could hear the pouncing of wolf paws growing louder and closer. She would be cornered, with no way out, which is why I couldn’t understand how she could still be crouched there, not running. So . . . brave.
The entire time I was struggling to blanket Charlie with my shield. For some reason I became extremely mentally drained trying to get it over him, but eventually I did. He snapped out of it and was no longer under her control. No longer trying to kill me.
“Actually, yes. I was related to Victoria. That is until your partner, Edward, killed her and her lover, James, trying to protect you.” She put heavy emphasis on the ‘you’ and snarled at me in complete disgust, then continued. “Victoria was my twin. We were turned together but went our separate ways overtime. I just got the news of her destruction, and you could say I’m not happy about it. Regardless of where we were in life, or what we were, we always had a connection. Now she is gone, forever, because of you.”
She lunged forward and placed both of her hands tightly around my neck, her teeth exposed, glistening. In a blur Edward yanked her off and had her pinned on the ground within seconds. Charlie and I crouched above her as the wolves came sliding in, creating a fog from the dirt and gravel being stirred up.
“It’s funny,” she hissed, “you’re giving me exactly what I want. I’m coming to you to be destroyed. Being alive, or whatever this is, gets old after a while. I’m tired of living, and now that I’m aware of Victoria’s destruction, I believe my time is up, too. My original plan was to kill Bella, to ensure her lover here”—she shot her red eyes at Edward—”would come after me and give me what I want. So go for it. Finish me off. After all, I did turn your friend Mike into a meal. He has lovely tasting blood, by the way.” Her eyes flickered between Edward and I, swimming with hatred.
I began to wonder if this was some kind of reverse psychology thing. I knew Edward could read her mind, though, and if she were bluffing, he would be the first to know.
“Maybe we should get more acquainted before we agree to follow through with your request to be destroyed,” Edward hissed. “First of all, what is your name?” His eyes narrowed, and he had a glint of empathy in his expression. I could tell he was thinking back to a time when he wanted to be destroyed because he felt like he had nothing to live for.
“It’s Lorena!” she spat. “Now that you know my name, will you please get this over with? I promise I won’t put up a fight. If you don’t do it, I’m sure these wolves would be more than happy to tear me apart.” She was getting more submissive with each passing second.
The wolves paced around Lorena’s body, which was still pinned to the ground by Edward. He didn’t need to use force, she really was giving up, but he did anyway, just to be safe. For a few seconds no one said anything, it was almost too quiet, but I knew we were all thinking the same thing.
Charlie broke the silence. “Well, should we deliberate or something? Come to some sort of decision?”
“You do not have an option, really,” Lorena began. “You see, you either destroy me now, or I will come after the child that these two have together.” She waved her hand between Edward and I. “Not before attacking Bella first, which would cause you all to protect her, and destroy me anyway. Do we really need to do this the hard way? I know an eternity is a long time to live, but are you so bored that you would rather battle over this?” She rolled her bright red eyes, then closed them tightly.
She would never open them again.
With one abrupt movement, Edward twisted Lorena’s head, removed it from her body just like he did with her twin, Victoria. His lips were pulled over his teeth and his eyes flooded over with an anger that I had never seen before. The wolves started to bite at the corpse, tearing her apart, piece by piece. Charlie helped, too. I didn’t join in . . . yet.
Everything seemed to be going in slow motion, despite their fast, seamless, movements. My sharp vision began to blur and my head started to overflow with flashbacks of when Edward dismantled Victoria. It was like watching it all over again. This time my father, Charlie, was helping.
Lorena‘s words echoed in my head, over and over: “You see, you either destroy me now, or I will come after the child that these two have together.”I closed my eyes and took in one, deep—but unnecessary, of course—breath. I exposed my teeth instinctively, and with one powerful spring, I leapt forward and landed smoothly on the grass right beside what was left of Victoria’s twin sister.
I pulled her torso apart so fast that it would look like nothing more than a blur to a human’s feeble eyes. When she was entirely dismantled, Charlie ran into our cabin and grabbed a pack of matches.
We lit a fire.
The smoke was thick, sweet-smelling. Edward kept his hand tightly around the small of my back as we watched the fire come to a radiant blaze, then eventually burn out as rain began to wash over us. That’s right: I almost forgot, it’s always raining in Forks. I miss it.
The smell of the rain was intoxicating and brought back so many memories that will forever be etched into my mind. The smell of the dirt turning into a squishy mud reminded me of the early morning, before school, when I was human. It was usually the first thing I spelled when I opened up the door in the morning and headed into my barely-running truck, and off to school to see the beautiful pale-faced boy with the golden eyes. The boy I thought hated me.
I snapped out of it when Edward kissed my cheek, keeping his lips pressed against me longer than normal. The wolves were still there, too, watching the blaze go out. The last flame flickered, then died out, and the sweet-smelling smoke cleared almost instantly after.
“Jake, we’re going to be heading back to New Hampshire tonight,” Edward began. “Charlie, Bella and I are going to head up to the house to get Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, and Jasper. Are you coming back with us?” Edward’s golden eyes focused on Jacob as he read his mind. He nodded. “Good, we’ll meet you at the house in an hour.” I assumed that was a ‘yes’ from Jacob. It didn’t take a mind reader to know that Jake missed Renesmee.
When we got back to the house in Forks, the big white house the Cullens used to live in, Edward briefly went over everything that happened. Alice saw it all coming, of course, but she also saw that we were in no danger. It happened too fast, within seconds, for her to have made it to us, to warn us. Not that we needed their help.
“Lets just hope they weren’t triplets,” Alice joked, her voice excited and musical. I half laughed, knowing that in my world, anything is possible.
Seth didn’t stay long. In fact, none of us did. We’re all in Forks right now—except for Carlisle, Esme, and Renesmee. They’re still in New Hampshire. We’ve been here for a while. I was more than excited about Seth’s visit. We all were, but we weren’t overly-enthused about the news he brought with him.
Seth can’t fake that huge, happy grin. I knew almost immediately that he was hiding something. He was worried. His eyes gave it away. They were obscure and overshadowed the innocent smile he was trying to fake. I saw the same dark concern clouding Jake’s eyes, too. His usual sunny face was becoming more of a dark, ebony sky. I was worried, but didn’t want to cross-examine them as soon as they arrived.
I waited for Edward to come home. I figured he would just listen in on Seth and Jacob’s thoughts and tell me what was bothering them if they didn’t speak up themselves. Edward and Jasper returned from hunting about twenty minutes after Seth and Jacob got to New Hampshire, to our over-sized house, fit for a family of thirty. Edward and Jasper were testing out a brand new hunting spot they found, about a twenty minute run north of our usual spot. Apparently it’s more discrete: no trails, and has an ample supply of deer.
Immediately after welcoming Jacob and Seth, Edward’s eyes grew cold, his eyebrows knitting together. I was anticipating this. For once, I was one step ahead of Edward. Now, I just had to wait. Being immortal doesn’t mean I don’t ever get impatient. Believe me, I do. The twenty minutes I had been waiting for Edward seemed . . . well, longer than twenty minutes. I get anxious when I’m worried, uncertain.
“I can’t stay long, unfortunately. I have to get back to La Push. There is something I need to tell all of you, though.” Seth’s eyes lingered on me longer than anyone else. He took in a full breath before continuing. “After you all left Forks, we stopped transforming pretty much right away. Recently, however, we’ve gotten ourselves a little visitor. We haven’t seen the vampire yet, but we’ve caught their scent and have been shape-shifting again. There have been three reported deaths due to ‘animal attacks’ in the past week.” His tone edged towards anger.
‘Animal attacks.’ Those two words brought back vague, yet haunting memories from my human life. When I was like all the others, believing that there really were vicious animals in Forks. That it was animals who killed Charlie’s friend, Waylon Forge. Whoever it is doesn’t seem concerned about the Volturi. If anyone else is killed, the town will become increasingly suspicious of these so-called animal attacks.
Jake kept his eyes fixated on Renesmee. He didn’t want to be apart from her, that much I knew. I didn’t know that he had something to tell me, though—until Edward gave it away. “Jake, are you going to tell her, or should I?” Edward spoke grimly.
“I’d prefer if you told her. I’m not good at this kind of thing. You have more experience than I do.” Jacob’s expression was submissive.
My eyes flickered nervously between Edward and Jacob, my patience tapering off with each passing second. “Will someone just tell me. I can handle it. Whatever it is couldn’t surprise me anymore than everything else I’ve witnessed in my short lifetime.” My lips involuntarily pulled down into a frown as I anticipated the worst.
“Mike Newton was one of the humans who was attacked in Forks, Bella. I’m sorry. I know he was a friend of yours since you moved to Forks. He was home for the Christmas holidays and picked up a few shifts at his family’s store.” Edward lowered his voice with each sentence. “He was closing the store alone, and—”
“He never made it back home.” I finished Edward’s sentence. It took me a few minutes to take everything in. My mind flickered to the memories I still had of Mike, tucked away in the back of my head. His smile. His innocent baby face. His many attempts to get me to date him. I thought about Jessica, too. This won’t be easy for her. Me, well . . . I’m going to have to get used to this type of thing now. This is the life I’ve chosen.
Now that I am different, cold, immortal, death will have to become something routine for me. Something I will deal with constantly. I knew that before I was turned. It’s not like I woke up one day and thought I think I’ll get Edward to turn me into a vampire for the fun of it. I knew the reality of it. The bad parts, and the good. I didn’t react to what Edward just told me, and I could see the confusion dominating everyone’s expressions. The truth is, I didn’t know exactly how to outlet my feelings. As a human, you just cry. It’s easy. Now, I just feel angry when I’m upset. Confused.
“Well, we aren’t going to let you go back alone. If there is a vampire in Forks, I think Charlie and I would be of use. We’re both still very strong. I want to help.” I bit my lower lip, catching Nessie’s worried expression out of the corner of my eye. She just heard Edward say that Mike was killed by this vampire, and here I was offering myself up on a silver platter. I don’t even know what we are facing. It could be an army of vampires. Newborns. Strong, vicious newborns. I reconsidered. Not out of fear for myself, but for Renesmee. If Jacob is gone to La Push, it’s just not fair for me to leave too.
Turns out, I didn’t have a choice. I had to go. Jacob had more to tell me, but he couldn’t say it in front of Nessie. He casually asked me to follow him up the winding staircase, keeping a fake smile plastered on his face so Renesmee wouldn’t sense anything. Edward followed, his porcelain hand brushing the small of my back as we quickly ran up the stairs. Edward already knew what Jacob was going to tell me, of course.
Without wasting even a second, Jake closed the door to Carlisle’s office and began. “This vampire is after you for some reason, Bella. We’re almost certain there’s only one. We found footsteps in the snow all around your cabin in Forks. The window was left open, too. They’ve been inside. At this point, we believe the only way to lure whoever it is out of hiding, is if you were in Forks.” Jake’s voice was filled with certainty.
I wasn’t afraid. I had no choice. If whoever was after me came at me blindsided I would stand less of a chance, so I might as well face this head on, and destroy them. I couldn’t figure out why someone would be out to get me, though. I hadn’t broken any rules—well, nothing I haven’t already suffered for. Edward was just as confused as me, and he refused to let me go back to Forks without him.
“Esme, Rosalie, Carlisle . . . I’m sure someone can stay back and watch Renesmee. She is safe here in New Hampshire. I can’t let you go alone, Bella. I won’t. I’ll be able to read their mind and we’ll be at a great advantage. Alice needs to come, too. She can help us figure out what path the attacker is on.” Edward was already half way back down the stairs before he finished his sentence. He was right, he needed to be there. We needed to be able to read the attackers mind and figure out what they were really after, and why.
Carlisle and Esme stayed back in New Hampshire with Renesmee. I hated leaving her, but I couldn’t let whoever was after me trace my scent to New Hampshire, putting Nessie in direct danger. I had to go to them.
As soon as we got back to Forks, Edward, Charlie and I went directly to our cabin, while Seth and Jacob headed back to La Push to check in with Leah to see if she had seen anything new. Rosalie, Emmett, Alice & Jasper went back to the big white Cullen house to see if anyone had been there.
Jake was right. The attacker was after me. The clothes that were left in my closet were now flung all over the floor, while Edward’s remained perfectly untouched. I dragged in a deep breath—a habit from my time as a human. I knew this vampire wasn’t afraid. I couldn’t perfectly decipher my emotions, but I knew I wasn’t afraid, either. More anxious. Curious, maybe. But I’m a predator now. I no longer feel fear the same way I used to.
I heard the crackle of sticks outside of the cabin and figured Jake, Paul, and Leah were coming by to make sure everything was okay. Edward crouched low, as if he were ready to spring, and his upper lip pulled over his teeth as he let out a loud growl. Instinctively, I went into the same position. I could see that there was no time for Edward to elaborate on what he had heard, and I sprung through the door after him, Charlie following right after me.
She stood there, cat-like, with her brilliant red hair blowing in the cold winter wind. Her teeth were exposed and she was in a crouch. She was barefoot. My eyes darted down at her shirt. It was my shirt. She was wearing my clothing and this angered me even more. Her eyes were bright red and I couldn’t help but think of the life draining from Mike’s innocent face between her deadly grip. I let out a loud growl that echoed through the forest. I could hear the wolves running, their paws racing toward us.
“You must do everything in your power. What others cannot do, that is what you must do for my Edward.”-Elizabeth Masen
Edward pulled two tickets out of his coat pocket with an unusually questionable grin on his face. I hadn’t seen this expression before. His eyes were bigger than normal, and black. I could see that he needed to hunt. His head tilted slightly downwards, and while one side of his lips curled up, the other side seemed to curl down. Edward looked as though he didn’t know if he wanted to smile, or frown.
“Are those plane tickets?” It sounded more eager out loud than it did in my head.
Edward shifted his dark gaze down at the two tickets he held between his long, porcelain-like fingers, his body stiff, statuesque. His smooth lips looked flat now, and his eyebrows knitted together like they always do when he’s thinking of the right thing to say.
“Yes. One is for you, of course, Bella.” He reached his hand out and handed me one of the tickets, watching me intently. “I would like for you to take a trip to Chicago with me, if that’s okay.”
Edward reminded me of a boy asking a girl to be his date for a school dance. I thought about it for half a second—not because I didn’t want to go, but because I was waiting for the catch. I could tell by Edward’s expression that there was more than just taking a trip to Chicago involved.
“Well, you already got the plane tickets . . .” I bit my lower lip, stalling, in hopes that he would interrupt and give me a little more information. He didn’t. Instead he grinned, a more familiar looking grin this time, then placed his ticket back in his pocket and mumbled a quick, “Great. We leave soon.”
Our flight was in almost exactly three hours, and although Edward didn’t give me many details, he did let me know that I wouldn’t need to pack anything. It was Christmas Eve, and we would be back by early Christmas morning to celebrate with Renesmee and the rest of our family. The Denali’s were expected to come by during the evening on Christmas, too.
I went hunting with Edward before we left. My eyes were starting to darken, like Edward’s, and my throat was turning into a dry, blistering, fire every time I caught even the slightest scent of warm, sweet-smelling human blood. We were going to be on an airplane, too, and that is the last place thirsty vampires want to be. Accidents do happen.
The flight was short, just over an hour and a half, but seemed much quicker than that. Edward and I got caught up in a debate about Romeo and Juliet. He gets short with me when I compare our relationship to Romeo and Juliet. He doesn’t like being compared to “fickle” Romeo. I get that. But our relationship as a whole does have a few similarities.
Romeo attends the ball at the Capulet house in hopes of meeting Rosaline, but meets and falls in love with Juliet. Edward was supposed to be with Rosalie—and that didn’t work out, for obvious reasons. He then eventually met and fell in love with me.
During the “balcony scene” Romeo sneaks into the Capulet courtyard and overhears Juliet vowing her love to him, despite the fact that their families are feuding. Edward used to surreptitiously watch me sleep–and overheard me say his name as I dreamt of him.
Paris is like my Jacob; he tried to woo and attract Juliet—similar to how Jacob tried to attract me. Of course, I picked Edward, despite our differences and the fact that our love was almost forbidden . . . dangerous.
I couldn’t leave out how Romeo thought Juliet was dead, and killed himself—just like Edward was about to have himself killed when he thought that “arranging a funeral” meant my funeral. He thought I was dead and was about to have himself destroyed.
I could have debated for hours with Edward, but he’s stubborn, and unwilling to be compared to Romeo, who he believes thoroughly destroyed his own happiness by making countless mistakes.
Right before the plane landed, Edward looked at me with his beautiful golden eyes, and concluded our debate with words so smooth they stopped my train of thought completely. “Besides, Romeo and Juliet had a tragic ending. You and I are a forever thing. We’re eternal. There will be no tragedy, no ending. Romeo lost his Juliet, but I’ll never lose my Bella.” He looked down at me lovingly, and reiterated the word never in a factual tone.
I wondered for a second if a vampire’s cold, granite-like body could turn to mush and melt into the seat? I had to look down to make sure my body was intact, thanks to Edward and his ability to send my mind into a complete haze and make my body feel like melting snow.
When we got off the plane, we picked up the rental car—which surprisingly wasn’t fancy, shiny, or insanely expensive. It looked like the type of car you would see a busy mother driving her children to soccer practice in. I laughed to myself at the image of Edward behind the wheel of such an effeminate car.
We didn’t drive far, just outside the city limits on the north side of Chicago. Edward parked the car and we ran for a short time until we reached the most gorgeous cemetery I have ever seen. It was huge, and full of architectural masterpieces. The cemeteries I have seen were usually row-after-row of tomb stones, some larger than others—but these were capacious monuments.
Edward took my hand and we slowly, almost glidingly, walked over the perfectly landscaped grass. I knew exactly where we were, and what we were doing here, but I didn’t know what emotion to feel. I wasn’t sure how Edward felt, either. Mind reading would have come in handy right about now.
When we reached the gravestone of Elizabeth Masen, I felt honored to be this close to the woman who created the love of my life. And the woman responsible for demanding that Carlisle save him.
My memory is vague, but I do recall certain parts of Carlisle’s story. Elizabeth demanded that he do everything in his power to save Edward during the 1918 Spanish influenza pandemic. He described her eyes as, “hard, like stones, like emeralds.” Carlisle believes that Elizabeth knew that he was different, somehow. Edward’s life was slipping away with each tick of the clock, but because of his mother’s demand, he was here with me, standing beside me, looking down at the ground of her grave.
“I haven’t been here in a while,” Edward began, his face now expressionless. “I wanted you to come with me so I could have the chance to introduce you to my mother in the best way I can. I have never been more grateful for her telling Carlisle to save me than I am now. Because of her, I get to live an eternity with you, Bella. I get to be happy every day. The type of happiness that will never end.” His eyes darted back towards the beautiful gravestone.
I thanked Edward, countless times, for bringing me somewhere that meant so much to him. For letting me have the chance to get so close to a part of his life from before he became an immortal. He doesn’t remember Elizabeth very well, but he will forever have a connection to her. Although he may have resented the fact that he never got to make the choice to be turned, he is now gratified.
We didn’t stay long. It was just long enough to pay our respects. I left the cemetery feeling closer to Edward than I ever thought possible. Honored. Maybe even a little shocked. I didn’t see this coming. He really did surprise me this time.
The next day was Christmas and we couldn’t wait to give Renesmee her present. Edward picked it out. It wasn’t something she could actually use, but Edward didn’t care, he couldn’t wait to buy his daughter her first car. Although the 2011 Mercedes-Benz E-Class Cabriolet isn’t available to buy until May, 2010, Edward worked his magic and got one in ‘frosty blue’ for Renesmee. Her eyes lit up . . . with confusion. She loved the color, and the fact that it was sparkly, but in her sweet, soft voice she whispered, “I can’t use this. I don’t have a license, Daddy.” Luckily I stocked up on real presents. Things she can actually use. And Alice, of course, got her a lot of pretty things to wear.
We all called Jacob, who was in La Push with his family, and wished them all a Merry Christmas. We wanted Jake to know that, even though he was gone for the day, we were still thinking of him.
The Denali’s were fun. They adore Nessie, and although it’s gross for me to think about, Tanya had fun flirting with Charlie. They got along really well, and it’s great to see Charlie’s face light up. After all, he is a terminal bachelor . . . famous ladies man, as he calls himself.
Tanya remembered Charlie from the wedding, and of course asked about his change. He told her the entire story and she nearly melted when he explained that he became a vampire to save me. Great. Now he’s using the story of how he became a vampire to save his vampire daughter from being killed by a coven of vampires to impress women. Vampire women. I still believe that there are things about my new life that I will never get used to.
I have to go for now; Seth is visiting and I want to spend as much time as possible with him before he goes back to La Push. I will write again soon, like I always do.
Tonight while grocery shopping, I picked up the February 2010 issue of Glamour magazine and found this cute/funny article inside. For the dare of the month, they had a regular guy dress up as a vampire and walk around to see what kind of responses he would get. Click Here to see this bigger and read what people thought of this regular guy walking around looking like an Edward wannabe!
The things I abhorred the most when I was a human, are the things I seem to miss the most now that I’m an immortal, a vampire. Oddly, I miss the feeling of snowflakes melting against my warm cheeks. I miss feeling my face go entirely numb from the sharp, frosty wind. When I first moved to Forks I wanted to move right back out because of the constant cold, and the lack of sunlight . I undoubtedly miss the contrast in temperature between mine and Edward’s skin, too.
Edward used to feel so cold to me, so icy. His body felt hard, like granite. It’s different when we touch now. Not bad, but different. I know there are things that Edward misses about me being human, too. I am selfish to think that the changes have only impacted me. I’m also feel selfish for wanting this life so badly, for forcing Edward to turn me, then having the nerve to miss parts of being how I used to be. Being human. I pretty much begged Edward to turn me, so I can learn to deal with the fact that for as long as I exist, I will never be human again.
Thankfully a lot of things are extremely vague. I have forgotten a lot about the people and events that were not that important to me, but I do still remember the things that really mattered. It’s almost like I have snap shots in my head, permanently, but they are partially unclear. Blurry. Almost as though whoever took the photos moved the camera too fast, making the photo cloudy. But I can still see them. I do still remember what Edward’s ice cold hand felt like in my warm, often clammy hand. I remember making up my mind that I was going to be with Edward, for forever, no matter what it took. My transformation did not blur any of the feelings I felt for Edward – if anything, they just got more intense, more clear.
It’s almost Christmas time, and the Cullen’s are going all out to make sure Charlie, Renesmee, Jacob and I have the time of our lives. Alice decorated the entire house, with a little bit of help from the rest of us. Alice is picky, though. Everything has to be done perfectly, so we only help when she asks for it. Emmett, Charlie and Jasper strung the lights all around the house. Alice almost forgot that it might look odd if she was on the icy, cold roof herself, stringing the lights despite the fact that we have a house full of men, or… I guess you could call them manpires. No need to draw attention to ourselves.
Carlisle and Esme have invited the Denali’s over to celebrate Christmas. They accepted the invite and are anxious to meet Charlie. It should be interesting trying to explain Charlie’s perpetually, almost eerie crimson eye color – unless, of course, he chooses to wear his contacts. Come to think of it, he probably will. He seems to get somewhat embarrassed by the color of his eyes. After all, they are similar to the color of a non-vegetarian’s eyes, only more disturbing.
Jacob and Renesmee have gotten closer than ever in the past few weeks. Their relationship is changing, maturing. Edward is pleased to see that Jacob’s thoughts about his future with Nessie are still completely pure. Although Renesmee is only three years old, she has the mind and body of a ten year old, so it is inevitable that her relationship with Jacob is maturing. They spend more time laughing and joking with each other and enjoy a lot of the same things. Jacob no longer reads to Nessie before she falls asleep. Instead, they stay awake and joke until she drifts off, then Jacob heads out back to his home to sleep.
One of Renesmee’s favorite things in the entire world is snow. We have had heaps of snow fall so far here and her and Jake spend hours outside every day playing in it. It’s funny to watch Renesmee so effortlessly beat Jake when they have snowball fights. He can be a sore loser sometimes. It’s especially funny when Jacob claims he ‘let her win’ because she’s a girl. Sure, Jake.
If you have ever wondered what a vampire snowball fight is like, I can tell you one thing – you’re missing out. I had my first vampire snowball fight a week ago. Due to the lack of snow in our usual clearing, the one we use for baseball, we had to scout out a new field. We ended up finding a perfect spot just outside of Hanover. Similar to the clearing where we play baseball, this field was sheltered by trees. There was a small, gravel road in the distance, so we did have to be a little more careful.
The most fun part about a vampire snowball fight is that the snowballs get thrown with such intense speed that they usually disintegrate before they reach their target – if you’re fast enough that is. The biggest competition usually ends up being between Edward and Emmett because Edward is fast, really fast – but Emmett is strong and can throw hard. I would say that Edward ended up getting hit about half time time. There is no winning and losing in a vampire style snowball fight, though. No one is keeping score.
The game ended a lot sooner than I thought it would have. We ended up using all the snow quite fast, leaving the field completely bare. I hope no one decided to visit the mysterious, snowless field after we were done. That would be just great. Our family moves into town and suddenly all the snow in random large fields goes missing. I wonder what everyone’s theory about us would be.
As excited as I am about our snowball fights, I am more excited about what Edward has planned for Christmas Eve. He told me that we are doing something special, alone, the day before Christmas. I don’t get as worried about surprises as I used to – not when they’re from Edward. I still don’t like when people make a fuss over me, but Edward has a way of making me feel as though he is somehow benefiting from the surprise too. He tells me all the time that his happiness comes entirely from seeing me smile. Seeing me happy. I let Edward in my head often to show him what, exactly, his smile does to me. Lets just say he knows the feeling is mutual. My happiness heavily relies on seeing Edward smile and knowing, that somehow, I’ve made his life better.
Jacob is going back to La Push for Christmas day to be with Billy and the rest of his family, but will be returning as soon as the Denali’s leave New Hampshire. He plans to bring Seth back home with him for a visit, too. I look forward to seeing Seth. He’s a great kid and I will be forever grateful for all of his help. I do plan to take a trip to La Push to visit everyone soon, too.
La Push was pretty much my second home when Edward left. Again, the memories are vague, but even thinking of that time, when Edward left, it makes me want to grab onto him and hold him so tight and never let him go. I know that he would never leave again. I’m no longer breakable to him, fragile. But I can’t help feeling hollow when I think back to when he was gone.
I have to go for now. Rosalie, Alice, Esme and I are going Christmas shopping for Emmett, Jasper, Carlisle and Edward. What do you get for the people who have, or could have anything they want?
I also want to say Happy Holidays to all those who celebrate from all of the Cullens! We hope you all have a safe and happy holiday season.